Archives for October 2008

Infidelity Recovery from a Predator Affair

Eric’s wife succumbs to the seduction of a sexual predator and two times a year engaged in intense “kinky” sex with the man.

The “affair” is now over.

How do Eric and his wife recover?

How can Eric stop condemning himself for “missing it?”

How can Eric understand and accept her kinky sex with the other person when Eric never experienced that with her?

Learn about the 5 recovery areas for Eric.

Listen to my live coaching session and personal review of the session with Eric.

Also, read responses from listeners and readers, such as:

1. If Eric’s situation is/was similar to yours, list 2 things you said or did that were helpful.

My spouse also had a “sleazy” type of affair – his was more emotional though. I think that I would accept his blaming of me for a short while just to get him to keep talking. I knew that it was a way for him to justify what he did After awhile I then rebutted and let him know the way that I felt things really were and that with a few exceptions I was not going to take the blame.

2. From your personal experience and what you have learned about infidelity, what 2 suggestions would you give to Eric?

He is much further along than me, but I would suggest that he takes good care of himself. It is too easy to let yourself be last on the list when your mind is constantly on the situation. I might suggest that he keeps a diary or notes. Seemed like once I had everything down I did not feel the need to keep rerunning everything in my mind over and over again.

3. List a couple benefits you received from listening to this tape.

I realized that it is possible to be TOTALLY duped by a spouse – I do not feel so dumb for not having a clue.

For more information on Eric, please go to:

Confronting the Other Woman: Triggers Revenge

Here’s another case study on confronting the other woman, and my comments below:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My husband was hours late coming home and the kids were wondering if he was ok. So I went to her work to get him. She works as a security manager at a store so she could see me come in on the cameras and they took 15 minutes to get their stories together and come out to the store floor.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

My husbands introduced us as I noticed her bra was hanging out of her shirt. He said she and I should talk so she took me to the back of the store where she gave me the story that she was not a home wrecker. That they were soul mates. And she had tried to make him go back to me but it was futile because the attraction was so strong. A month later I asked him to move out because he was treating me poorly in front of the kids. She moved in with him and left her husband. He has lost his identity and she runs the show. He has given up much of his past times.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I needed to get my husband home but confronting her was like giving them open license to do whatever they wanted. He started flaunting his “needs” in front of me and becoming self-centered and cold. At least when they thought I didn’t know, he was more courteous and kind — especially with the kids and he actually lied less. This affair that he thought was so wonderful has compromised his whole being to the point where he is not even himself anymore.

Coach’s Comments:

Confronting the other person will bring about changes. It almost always changes the dynamic of the affair. Why? Because an affair is based on secrets and deception. Once this element is removed, change occurs.

I make the assumption in this case that the man has a tendency to give power to women. His wife seemed practical and assertive. As the wife explains, “she now runs the show.”

Those who give their personal power to others often experience anger which may turn to rage. This resentment is targeted away from self to others. (One is really angry with self… for giving power away so easily – but usually is unaware of or doesn’t want to be aware of that dynamic.)

With the other person now “in charge” he targets his resentment toward this wife, where perhaps, he needs to prove (to himself) he is not such a wimp.

The wife is now experiencing that part of him that was always there – hidden – but now expressing itself in her presence.

This dynamic is common in the “I Want to Get Back at Him/Her” affair.

Infidelity, Abuse and Boundaries

I asked my readers what resources were helpful in facing an abusive relationship. The second response below is a list of boundaries establish after reading a book on boundaries by Mary Johnson.

Two responses:

I am thankful for my friends who stuck with me over the years despite my husband’s abusive actions towards me. I was like the frog in the water where I did not notice the abuse at first but over several years, I found myself cut-off even from myself. It wasn’t until the affair and reading your mails that I realized how deep I was under and didn’t even know it.

Separate; then set specific boundaries, thus creating a bit of control from this chaos. I know this is really long, but is, thus far, working for me. Boundaries by mary johnson September 25, 2008
1. Please have my prior permission before coming onto this property for any reason; you are no longer welcome to just pop in anytime. A phone call is fine.
___ 2. When you have been invited to visit, please knock, and be invited in, before entering.
___ 3. If you wish to attend Church, you must attend a different worship service other than 9:30 a.m.
___ 4. As long as your paycheck continues to be deposited directly into our joint checking account, I agree to use the money you provide and be responsible for household expenses, including truck and loan payments, for the duration of this separation. You agree to limit your expenses to $500 per month. If your expenses exceed this amount, this may be negotiated and adjusted if you have proof of all receipts. I will anticipate $1100 left in our joint account every week.
___ 5. When you are in the presence of our children, particularly in public, you will speak and act like a man who is married to their mother. You will do whatever it takes to protect them from further embarrassment and to provide an environment in which they feel secure and unconditionally loved.
___ 6. We will both write out our personal goals for this separation and share these with each other by January 1, 2009.
___ 7. You will set a specific time period you expect or are willing for this separation to last. For myself, I need you to resolve this situation by reconciliation or divorce by April, 2009. If you feel you are ready to move back into our home before whatever date we agree upon, I am willing to consider that possibility. Let me know your anticipated time period.
___ 8. Any dates with each other during this time of separation need to be arranged in advance. If you wish to discuss our relationship during these private times, you must first ask permission to do so.
___ 9. I would ask for you to present, in writing, any decisions you make affecting the outcome of this separation before you just go ahead and make the change.
___ 10. Both of us agree to remain in counseling, at least twice per month, for at least the duration of this separation.
___ 11. I will not tolerate any violation of my privacy in any way. You will not ask the children anything about me and you will also not ask them to keep anything from me.
___ Please initial each item you agree to abide by, sign and date below.
Return one copy to me.

For more information – “Break Free From the Affair.”