Infidelity, Abuse and Boundaries

I asked my readers what resources were helpful in facing an abusive relationship. The second response below is a list of boundaries establish after reading a book on boundaries by Mary Johnson.

Two responses:

I am thankful for my friends who stuck with me over the years despite my husband’s abusive actions towards me. I was like the frog in the water where I did not notice the abuse at first but over several years, I found myself cut-off even from myself. It wasn’t until the affair and reading your mails that I realized how deep I was under and didn’t even know it.

Separate; then set specific boundaries, thus creating a bit of control from this chaos. I know this is really long, but is, thus far, working for me. Boundaries by mary johnson September 25, 2008
1. Please have my prior permission before coming onto this property for any reason; you are no longer welcome to just pop in anytime. A phone call is fine.
___ 2. When you have been invited to visit, please knock, and be invited in, before entering.
___ 3. If you wish to attend Church, you must attend a different worship service other than 9:30 a.m.
___ 4. As long as your paycheck continues to be deposited directly into our joint checking account, I agree to use the money you provide and be responsible for household expenses, including truck and loan payments, for the duration of this separation. You agree to limit your expenses to $500 per month. If your expenses exceed this amount, this may be negotiated and adjusted if you have proof of all receipts. I will anticipate $1100 left in our joint account every week.
___ 5. When you are in the presence of our children, particularly in public, you will speak and act like a man who is married to their mother. You will do whatever it takes to protect them from further embarrassment and to provide an environment in which they feel secure and unconditionally loved.
___ 6. We will both write out our personal goals for this separation and share these with each other by January 1, 2009.
___ 7. You will set a specific time period you expect or are willing for this separation to last. For myself, I need you to resolve this situation by reconciliation or divorce by April, 2009. If you feel you are ready to move back into our home before whatever date we agree upon, I am willing to consider that possibility. Let me know your anticipated time period.
___ 8. Any dates with each other during this time of separation need to be arranged in advance. If you wish to discuss our relationship during these private times, you must first ask permission to do so.
___ 9. I would ask for you to present, in writing, any decisions you make affecting the outcome of this separation before you just go ahead and make the change.
___ 10. Both of us agree to remain in counseling, at least twice per month, for at least the duration of this separation.
___ 11. I will not tolerate any violation of my privacy in any way. You will not ask the children anything about me and you will also not ask them to keep anything from me.
___ Please initial each item you agree to abide by, sign and date below.
Return one copy to me.

For more information – “Break Free From the Affair.”