Archives for December 2008

Infidelity Chat Room

Have you been to the infidelity chat room? It may not be for everyone, but some find it a key component in recovering from infidelity.

Listen to what some chat room users say:

1. List 2-3 ways the Chat Room has played a significant part in your “recovery.”

>>>>I realize that I am not alone and unfortunately my husband has used the same lies and excuses that almost every other betrayed spouse has.

>>>>I no longer feel alone. When my husband is being nasty and distant I log on and chat to the others. The support is a God sent.

>>>>someone is always there to listen seeing that others have also gone through it helps

>>>>I am very new myself..not much for stories to tell, just that I appreciate the opportunity to hear others opinions…hearing from someone who has hurt the same as I means more to me than you will ever realize!

>>>>Sharing of the pain Realizing there’s worse off than yourself Getting things off my chest

2. What are a couple pieces of advice you would give a newbie to the Chat Room?

>>>>Just dive in and let people know your story. Everyone is really supportive and wants to help you through the pain

>>>>Wait – listen – take support and give support

>>>>dive right in – you will feel better check back often – there are different people on at different times

>>>>You’ll be surprised at the relief talking with people coming from the same situation does to make you not feel like you’re the only one going through this. Sadly it’s all too common :-( Our situation (blended family) had a lot of other sub issues which contributed to it all. Speaking to others on how they handle things, not just an affair is also very helpful & humanising.

Infidelity: Confronting and Spying on the Other Person

Some use confronting the other person to spy and gain information for the future, as in this case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

Called him in his far-away city. Purpose: Record conversation for an alienation of affection lawsuit. “Marriage Made Me Do It” type of affair. Asked what he thought was going to happen to my kids when I found out about the affair.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

He told me to “get over it, dude”. He insincerely apologized. He said it was his fault. He said they didn’t have sex. He said that because they didn’t have sex it wasn’t an affair.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I learned that he is a pompous narcissistic asshole who is willing to cheat on his wife, and my wife doesn’t see that. To do differently- probably nothing else. 20 minutes of him incriminating himself was enough along with the other evidence.

Coach’s Comments:

1. It is common for someone who blames their marriage for the infidelity to fall for a narcissist. The narcissist projects power and can adapt him/herself to fit the expectations of the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” person. This is the art of seduction. Once s/he scores, it’s usually over.

2. I’m not an expert on spying, but it seems that a direct confrontation with the other person is a risky way to obtain information, unless the attorney briefed him on what to do. A PI usually has more experience in such matters.

Infidelity: Stopping the Affair with Confrontation

This case study on confronting the other woman contains important principles in stopping an affair with confrontation:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I wanted the OP to hear, from me, that we’d both been fooled into believing his lies. When I discovered his affair I considered what I wanted, and decided that there was much I could learn about myself in how I handled my feelings about his betrayal. I also knew that making a decision to throw him out of my house would be understandable, but not wise. After weighing his plea for forgiveness and another chance, I agreed to work through the affair on 4 conditions: 1) he ended it immediately AND took me with him to give OP the news, 2) we went together to be tested for SDT’s, 3) no sex between us until I felt ready AND he use protection until we were retested in 3 months, and 4) he agreed to counseling with an infidelity professional. NO exceptions. I also went in for some counseling to process my anger, hurt, and confusion. I introduced myself to her and told her she was the OP. She jumped up from the table and ran out of the restaurant. She called me on my cell on the ride to the STD lab, crying inconsolably, and begged me not to tell her husband, and swore that she had never cheated on him before this. I told her that she should probably get tested herself since they hadn’t used protection and that I couldn’t know if the two of us were the only ones he was cheating with. I wished her well; I felt oddly compassionate towards her. I told her that I would tell her husband if they didn’t end their affair.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

What happened is the tests were negative, they ended their affair (as far as I know), we stayed together, and it’s been a little over 2 years now. While we eventually resumed our sex life, I admit that my attraction to him has never fully recovered. I haven’t cheated on him, nor do I want to put myself through that. I don’t know if I’ll stay with him; sometimes, I have to process forgiveness over and over. I think I’m waiting to see if that process ever really comes to an end. I’ve been honest with him about my conflicted thoughts and plans. I have good days with him, and some that are just plain empty. Nothing’s really wrong, and nothing’s ever been right since the day I confronted him. I’ve been mediating about what I want, who I am, and if life with him holds any new promise, for either of us.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

What I learned is how strong I am, that I can tolerate dozens of seemingly overwhelming emotions, and that I don’t have to be controlled or defined by my emotions. I learned that his affair was about his stuff, and that my own stuff needed my attention, so I took the spotlight off his affair and made myself the center of attention, to myself. Out of all this, I’ve found much new happiness in many areas of my life. His affair was a wake-up call and I “took the call”, for which I’m grateful. I learned that my instincts are sound and trustworthy; it’s hard to imagine that I would ever distrust them again. What would I do differently? nothing.

Coach’s Comments:

Important principles are followed by this woman in her confrontation:
1. Take a deep breath and think. Don’t react. Don’t impulsively confront the other person.
2. See the confrontation (and affair) as an opportunity to learn and expand your skills and good feelings of your self.
3. Let your spouse know exactly what you will and will not tolerate. (Set some clear boundaries.)

A word of caution: This confrontation seemed to work beautifully for this woman. Some of this was dependent upon the kind of affair her husband the the other person engaged in. It probably was a “I Want to be Close to someone… but can’t stand intimacy” or “I Need to Prove My desirability” types of affairs. With other affairs, the outcome may differ.