Archives for February 2009

Infidelity and Recession

Had a friend email me this this AM:

Domestic surveillance is off 75%. The people who do the surveillance say people can’t afford affairs. And, people are doing their own snooping by checking their blackberry’s, emails, etc. Fancy dinners out are off. Affairs happen in someone’s home, not the Ritz. the “no tell motel” and the car are more popular. Some go to the park. Divorce = 37% of divorce lawyers said divorce is down. “It is cheaper to keep her”

How to Recover From Infidelity

Below are a couple of examples of those who struggling to recover from infidelity dealing specifically with the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” type of affair. There are 6 other types of affairs, but this post focuses on the “Marriage Made Me Do It” type.

This type of affair is especially difficult to recover from since the cheating spouse assumes no or very little responsibility for his/her actions. In this type of affair the theme for him/her, “if only you would be different, my life would be different.”

Of, course most of this is a rationalization to get what s/he thinks s/he wants.

How to recover from infidelity of this affair type means at first, tolerating or at least devising a strategy to cope with the blame and disrespect.

Listen to the evolving strategies of these wounded people as they recover from infidelity:

Person #1:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

1. My husband is blaming me for spending money and wasting it, when in fact I have picked up more of the financial burden in the household that he used to share. 2. He goes out with other woman every Friday night and knows I know, he always invents a lie but he knows I know as I have told him, given him evidence and still he goes in spite of the hurt it causes our relationship. 3. He is now saying accept it, or leave. 4. He takes other woman to school dances, games and other school activities. He is an administrator. I know many of the people he works with and he works at my alma mater (high school). 4. Blames me for any and everything, even his work atmosphere; he seems to take all his frustrations out on me, saying I don’t know how tough he has it, with never asking how I am or what is going on with me. 5. My husband tells me after 4 1/2 years of the ongoing affair, I should be used to it by now. What’s the big deal!

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

1. What has stopped him lashing out at me is to distance myself from him when he starts the mouthing, blaming, not arguing or trying to convince him, but backing off and letting him deal with his frustration on his own. 2. Educating myself and learning what causes many of his behaviors, has helped me internalize many of his actions. Before I thought everything was directed at me and a statement about our relationship. I have learned that most of what he does has nothing to do with me. But the hurt is immense anyway. 3. Giving him more space and stopping working on the marriage and working on me instead has helped him “level out” with me and also has helped me put some of his actions into perspective. 4. Still with the affair ongoing, it is hard to deal with everyday; every instance of betrayal cuts like a knife.

Person #2:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

The mistakes I made in the relationship prior (getting angry, bickering, etc. (no cheating)) is the cause of the affair. If I wouldn’t have taken her for granted we wouldn’t be in this mess so I have to deal with it because of that.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

I continually stick to my guns on: 1. I freely admit my mistakes and take responsibility for them. 2. These mistakes are a separate issue from the affair. 3. The mistakes caused difficulty in our relationship but are not the cause of the affair. 4. The affair has made it much more difficult for us to move past both of our mistakes and heal. 5. Continually charge neutral in all these areas by stating: A. I know it’s difficult to see the difference between getting what you want out of our relationship and the OP. B. I can understand how difficult it is to get past your own guilt and conflict and why that would cause you to be angry with me and yourself. C. I understand that after 7 years with me how exciting it would be to have something new but that eventually all new things get old too. Which old do you think you’ll want in the end. 6. I listen to her upsets from the past and acknowledge them but I stay in the present. Just listening to her has made her less destructive and hurtful.

Dealing with Adultery

One looks for 3 movements when dealing with adultery:

1. In dealing with adultery the moments of pain, confusion and downright fear, over time, becomes less intense. When you as an individual or you as a couple are stuck in that emotional mire of infidelity blame and pain, each time you bump into it you feel a slight measure of relief.

2. In dealing with adultery, the times that you face the anger, guilt and infidelity blame becomes spaced out over time. Those awful moments don’t happen as often.

3. In dealing with adultery, you learn new personal and relational skills that take enable you to move through the blame, anger and guilt of infidelity more quickly.

Please note this scenario:

I had to accept (and did) the fact the he was not willing to to move from the past to the future and once I eliminated him from my future and began to live life again without him, it struck a nerve and made him face the realization that the past was eating him alive. For whatever reason he chose to hold on to the anger and/or guilt from the past not a healthy choice. What we both did to each other is inconceivable and broke every marriage vow and I know of no one that has overcome and have made a come back. It’s been 6 long years, and he has finally gotten past it. He still has bouts of anger, regret, and guilt but through communication we are able to talk through it and help ease each others pain. With time, these episodes are becoming increasing less.