Surviving Infidelity: Do I Confront the OP?

Do I Confront the OP (Other Person)?

Some find the confrontation helpful and others would be better refraining from the confrontation.

I give tips on confronting the other person and also examine the ramifications of the confrontation for particular types of affairs.

Confronting the OP: Death of Trust

You must remember that confronting the other woman or man is just a part of the infidelity healing and restoration process.

Confrontation may be seen (as in the case study below) as an end – to stop the affair.

Stopping the affair may work (depending on the type of affair, the degree to which your spouse “truly” wants out of the affair and other factors) but after the confrontation healing of substance and trust building begins.

In this case study, the confrontation did stop the affair, but there was zilch left in the marital relationship.

Case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I found a txt message on my partners mobile phone” When are you coming back paul, I miss you. Love Lyn x I was furious. I wrote down the number then confronted my man. I was leaving for a trip in 3 hours. He cut up the sim card and said it was “done”. I called her number during a stop over. My heart was racing. I had proof , tangible proof finally that she was in contact with him. He is easily swayed, if I wanted this to stop I had to make her pull away. So began a tirade of calls, hang up, txts, emails etc.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Others who cared for me helped in the quest to bully her out of our lives. There was a duplicate page for her on Facebook, looked the same but hell was it full of truths and warnings to others – men and women- about psychos like her that use Facebook to prey on our men. It worked, she sent him an abusive email – derogatory toward not only myself but also him. Wishes she had never met him. Threatened him with the police. I want to be sure it has stopped but can not be certain. He is clever with the computer, I see his trail.(He doesnt think I know where to look) he has visited new public email sites and signed up. He doesnt access these when I am around. When I confronted him previously he denied everything – even with very tangible evidence, tried to lie his way into an explanation. He didnt have my advantage though… he didint know how much of the big picture I was seeing. make a list… see where the dots connect…keep following the path. its so easy.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I wouldn’t do it again. He is on his final warning. If he gets caught I walk – and he will find himself in mountains of trouble financially, I am the major wage earner! If I were to do anything differently – it would be to do nothing differently. I waited patiently to find this slags address or phone number – one cant intimidate by email, its too easy to be blocked. She was so damned cocky, figured he would choose her – even though the affair was electronic and conducted across state lines. I learned so much, and renewed a vow to myself never to give 100% ever again. I will never fully trust a man, even this one ever again – hurts too much when you get the kick inthe guts- right where the intuition was screaming at you to wisen up to things, face and confront!

Instinct and Confronting the Other Man

There is a small voice within (sometimes it’s more vocal!) that if one listens, holds many of the answers to life’s questions.

This small voice knows what we need and what we need to do.

Sounds easy.. but far from it. This instinctual knowing voice is often drowned by other prominent voices that tout cultural imperatives, the latest pop psychology or fear based thoughts.

Here’s a man that followed his instincts:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

We met in the hallway at work a few days after I discovered the affair. I could not walk past this guy without saying something so I asked him to come up to my office, I am his Boss
2. What happened? What was the outcome?

He came up eventually and I told him that he was in the process of dismantling my family and how difficult and painful it was.He appologized and left promptly. He still did not stop pursuing my wife. I had to threaten my wife with divorce and had him banned from the Admin office and had to stay away from me.I eventually spoke to his wife who knew something was going on but uncertain of what it was. She got to him and he finally called me back to say that he wanted his marriage intact as well and if he could take back the affair he would…he apologized again and this time he stayed away from my wife.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No.I learned to follow my heart andf my instincts in trying to sort out this most terrible experience of my life. My wife and I have relocated half way across the world and slowing piecing things back together.