Archives for October 2009

More Comments on Healing from Infidelity

Here are some more comments by readers who found Break Free From the Affair to help them on their healing journey:

>>>>It made me feel less alone and less ashamed that I had somehow failed to meet my husband’s needs. He told me I “drove” him to it but I now also know that I didn’t and it was not my fault that he chose to go outside of our marriage to resolve whatever issues that bothered him. I also now know that his excuse was an afterthought to justify his action.

>>>>It let me know that I am alone and that I should not blame myself. That there are definite patterns and profiles to affairs and that the route I was taking was one of the least success when wanting to repair a relationship. It gave me advice and confidence in following thhrough with the suggestions.

>>>>I decided to start talking to him again. I had reached a point where I was so afraid to say the “wrong” thing that I had distanced to a dangerous point. He had visited an attorney, to get “some information”, so he could “move forward”. I was afraid to DO anything, but I had reached the point where I was more afraid NOT to. Your materials, coupled with my faith in God, have helped calm my fears. I do not believe that the “issues” lie primarily with me (I am not without issues, but I was actively improving myself PRIOR to the affair onset, and was in a fantastic place at the time it began. I was actually working to heal the issues of concern between us), but this gave me the courage to resume showing myself to him, revealing to him who I am and where I stand. I had ceased to do so also because I felt that he (my husband, who was historically such a private person) had become an informational pipeline to his “emotional affair” counterpart, and I did not want MY heart & soul revealed to HER, particularly if we do not reconcile. However, I have decided that I must be fearless…I believe in my faith, my vows, my marriage…I have to do this.

>>>>Situation is not quite like any of below. H has indicated that he wants divorce but despite months of saying that, has not yet moved forward (who knows, this could be it). Is in relationship that is now going on 9 months of living together. I am not going to resist if he files. Helped me calm down and recognize that I cannot get caught up in this drama. Helped with some actual verbiage in conversations w/H. I have, however, resisted discussing the situation w/him. Gave some hope (though that hope is waning).

>>>>Because of your advice to “charge neutral”, I was able to control my emotion when I was talking to my husband this afternoon. He told me things that answered some of my questions though I still have some doubts.

Healing From Infidelity

Healing from infidelity is a process. I ask my readers periodically what is important for them in the healing process.

In asking those who read “Break Free From the Affair” to respond, I received these comments:

>>>>I also appreciate the considerations about whether or not I want to save the relationship. There is definitely a common underlying tone between ALL the types of affairs that helped me understand the weaknesses of my spouse. The selfish behaviors, governed by my spouses internal issues helps me feel a little better about myself – I know her affair wasn’t my fault but now I have a better sense of “why”.

>>>>It helped with empathy for myself and my husband. It also made me realize that we both make our own choices and must suffer the consequences. The questions also helped me identify where I was stuck.

>>>>it helped clarify the type of affair my husband is having (seems like a mix of a few types) and gave some real examples of how to proceed, and not be stuck. It is also very clear now to me that I need to start working on myself, and understanding my needs.

>>>>It made me realize that the patterns and behaviors I am seeing and going through myself are normal and that I am not alone. It also gave me hope that my marriage can be saved.

>>>>Gained clarity as to what happened and why.Gained confidence and self-esteem.Assurance that I wasn’t crazy or responsible for the whole situation.

>>>>Gave an outline of what to expect, like a path.

Recovering from Infidelity

What does it take for a person to recover from infidelity and begin rebuilding one’s life and perhaps marriage or relationship?

This important question is answered by some of my readers who express what was helpful for them in recovering from infidelity:

>>>>I clearly identified what kind of “cheater” my husband is and feel a great sense of relief as well as strategies on how to approach him accordingly. I also am clear about how to take care of myself in a natural and strong way.

>>>>I learned what behaviors I should exhibit. I learned what behaviors I had been doing that were making things worse. I got a sense of what type of affair (in my wife’s case, just an emotional one thus far) my wife was having and what that meant for her psychologically.

>>>>My wife had a #6, she needed to prove her desirability. Your book, which I now suggest to everyone in my situation, really nailed her personality type and issues related to the affair.

>>>>I actually feel a little better because it seems like such a practical tool for how to deal with my husband on some of these issues.

>>>>I have some guidance to use. I have only just started using them but feel that the charging neutral is one of the best tips I have received.

>>>>It has helped me understand what is going on in my husband’s head.

>>>>Identifying the type of person my spouse is and applying the strategies was very helpful.

>>>>It helped me understand the odds of saving my marriage based on the type of affair my wife is having. As a result, it gave me the strength to move forward with my life without my wife and it also gave me pointers of what not to do. Finally, it helped me understand that there is a ~70% chance that my wife’s affair / relationship will end in failure.