Archives for September 2010

Confronting the Other Person Webinar

I want to talk briefly about my upcoming webinar, C.O.P, which means “Confronting the Other Person.” Sometimes, don’t you feel like a C.O.P or a detective, trying to figure our what the other person is doing, thinking, their focal point being? This all demands a tremendous amount of energy.

My first C.O.P. webinar will be tomorrow, Thursday, 9/30/2010 at 5:00 EST. Throughout the course of this webinar I’m going to introduce some ideas I have on confronting the OP as they relate to the seven types of affairs that are outlined in my e-book, Break Free From the Affair.

It was always a question of mine, “Should a person confront or not confront the other person in the affair?” I really didn’t have a strong feeling about that. I guess my major thought was, “No, that probably isn’t a good idea…it’s probably just going to stir up a hornets nest.”

However, I didn’t have much material or enough information to back up this thought. I didn’t find much research on the subject, mainly because it’s something that’s hard for people to talk about.

So, I sent out a survey to my readers on C.O.P. and I asked them to relay their experiences. I got 400-500 stories back from people about either confronting or not confronting the other person, what happened, the disasters and the successes. It was a tremendous resource for me to go over those stories and look at people’s experiences.

For some, the experience was very positive and rewarding. For others, confronting the other person was a complete disaster. I took all the stories and began to organize and think through those stories and underlying reasons.

What I want to do in my first workshop is look at the 7 types of affairs, and whether or not it would be a good idea or problematic to confront the other person.

Go ahead and sign up for my webinar. It’s free, and I will have some goodies to share with you for signing up.

Wounded Husband’s 1st Email: Confronting the Other Person

I’m offering a free webinar on 9/30 on C.O.P Confronting the Other Person Considering the 7 Types of Affairs.
If you haven’t already, you can sign up now.

One of those who signed up for the webinar emailed me two emails he sent to the other person. He is more than willing to share these emails with you, with names omitted.

The wife reconnected with someone she was engaged to and continued to email, text and Facebook.
This is the husband’s first letter to the OP.

Please leave your comments below. Give your impressions, what you learned, questions or concerns. Refrain from harsh criticism or effusive praise. We are here to learn from each other.

The first email:
(Name of OP….)

We have never met but by now you know everything about me and my life with (wife’s name) and the kids. As you know we are going to counseling starting today. It has been a tough 10 days for me as I search myself and ponder everything that has brought us to this point. (Wife’s name) does give you credit for speaking up and saying something to me about our relationship. For that I thank you.

However, I am asking that you now step back if you can from (wife’s name) as we try to heal our relationship. I love her more than I have ever shared. I have never been unfaithful to her and yes….I have had some episodes where I have said some mean and inappropriate things to her and the family. I cannot make excuses but I know that I need to re-program my mind to live in the moment, seek some stress counseling, and become a better husband.

(Wife’s name) has shared some devastating news with me in regards to her feelings towards me and in order for us to move forward I cannot have her emotions clouded with feelings or thoughts towards you and your past relationship. I know you and (wife’s name) were very close and I frankly do not have a problem with you being friends or even having lunch together in the near future….but only after our situation is healed.

(OP’s name)….from what (wife’s name) has told me it appears that you do not have any design on her. However, I fear that she has become emotionally attached to what could have been and I cannot believe that it is healthy for you and her to continue such in-depth phone conversations…..over 35 hours in 2 months. When I saw that today I was devastated and in trying to get (wife’s name) to open up with me all week I had a hunch there was more to this entire situation.

I write this email taking a chance that if and when (wife’s name) finds out, she will not feel I have overstepped my bounds. However I feel compelled to contact you and give you my perspective because you are such a large part of this situation.

I have no idea what will happen with the counselor. I do know that (wife’s name) has focused on much of the negative, yet there is so much more to our previous 22 years together as we have built our family. I can only hope and pray that she begins to focus on some of those times too.

(OP’s name)….I thank you for your time and I hope at some time we do meet. I believe we would get along well, at least (wife’s name) has always said that.

Thank you again.

(huband’s name)

Wounded Husband’s 2nd Email: Confronting the Other Person

This husband’s wife reconnected with an old boyfriend (someone she was engaged to) after 20 + years of marriage.

You can find his first letter here.

Please leave your comments, questions, insights and concerns below. Remember, we are hear to learn not to be dogmatic. BTW, for those of you who have read Break Free From the Affair, which of the 7 types of affairs do you suppose this is?

Second email:
Hi (OP’s name) ….hope you are well.

It has been almost 4 months since I last communicated with you. However, as a husband, father, and man….I am touching base with you one more time in order to clarify my thoughts, requests and intentions.

I am asking that you keep this between you and me.

As you know (wife’s name) and I have challenges which we are still working through. However, they were complicated by her reconnection with you. The original communications between you and (wife’s name)…even you would have to admit that 37 hours of phone calls, 2200 text messages (30 – 40 a day?), and numerous other emails, etc. in a 9 week time period was more than excessive. If you don’t believe my stats, let me know, I can send you the phone records. I don’t know how (op’s wife’s name) your wife would feel about that, but from any vantage point it was not even close to appropriate. If you think that your connection with (wife’s name) was “just friends”, feel free to Google the term Emotional Affair or Emotional Infidelity for an eye opening experience.

The bottom line…..I am asking you to please do yourself justice and focus on YOUR relationship with YOUR wife and children without involving my wife and family any further. Your personal problems with your job and wife should be dealt with by you and you alone. “Forever and Always” needs to stay in the past….not further tag lines on emails to my wife. Sure….I get it….fond memories of an old flame are normal….but they need to stay in the past as memories. You “let her go” once before and I’m sure that you can do it again.

(OP’s name)… my hope is that you respectfully decline or at the very least severely limit any future communications or pre-planned and “accidental” meetings with my wife. You can do it in a kind, compassionate, yet respectful manner. Keeping things professional and above board. But…further contact with (wife’s name), the sharing of intimate relationship details/problems, and other interactions is not healthy for ANY of us. Focus on your family and their future….they need you now more than ever and I will focus on mine. I respectfully advise you to do this in the hope that (wife’s name) and I can regain trust in one another and recover what any dignity is left in our marriage. I do not know your current relationship with (op’s wife’s name)….but I cannot believe she would not be hurt, upset, and betrayed by your actions, conversations, and involvement with my wife.

This should not be some sort of Romeo and Juliet situation with the allure of forbidden contact. We are not teenagers or college students…..this is real life and the decisions we make….actions we take ….all affect our families and children. It is not a harmless game.

Please take the high road on this.

I ask again that you respect my position on keeping this between us and I will respect the same position with you.

I wish you well with your life. Should you want to respond I will be receptive.

Thank you.

(husband’s name)

P.S. I asked my reader, the wounded husband, to fill me in on what happens. Might be interesting!