Jealousy in Marriage: Healing After An Affair

How do you let go of jealousy in marriage after an affair? Is it even possible to let your suspicions when  infidelity is involved?

Jealousy in marriage is very common when you decide to stay in a marriage to restore it when you discover that your partner is having an affair. And even for couples who had no problems regarding jealousy before the affair, it is very likely that it will be after an affair is discovered.

A lot of damage can be done in a relationship where jealousy is involved, especially one that’s still going through the process of healing after an affair. But it is difficult not to be paranoid regarding the people that your partner spends a lot of time with. So what can you do to if you are experiencing jealousy in marriage?

The first things you need to do is to reflect on the various things that you have gone through by allowing jealousy in marriage get the better of you. Surely there are a lot of painful and negative effects, mostly on your marriage, but thinking of these effects is the most effective first step to stop letting jealousy in marriage prevent you from healing your relationship after an affair.

Also, you might start thinking that you’ve earned the right to be jealous when your husband or wife started being involved in an affair, but you must let go of that pain and really look at what jealousy in marriage is doing to you and your partner’s bond.

Every time you start to feel jealous of someone in your partner’s life, try to see how it affects your emotional as well as your physical body. You will see that jealousy in marriage only makes that pain you are feeling after an affair hurt that much more, and make you that much angrier about what your partner did.


  1. antonio correia says

    hi, im married for 7 years, lately iv discoverd my wife is having an affair, i found out on her secret mobile phone that i didnt know about it was shocking for me and i love her alot and we have 2 daughters . i dont whant to dirvoce my wife it whas very dusturbing wen i red the messages on her phone, im worried what should i do please help

  2. Jealousy, rage, anger, sadness: all the normal stages of grief when we learn of infidelity. Sometimes we don’t need to “do” anything….we just need to hold on to the present moment and wait.

    Healing takes time. We can’t just “get over it” the way everyone keeps telling us; rather, we must go through it, we must experience the emotions, we must believe that it wasn’t our fault (or the fault of the marriage), we must strengthen ourselves regardless of whether the marriage ends or mends.

    Executive Director
    Infidelity Counseling Network

  3. Kathryn Smith says

    I caught my husband having a one night stand that culminated after a lengthy friendship with the director of his mothers assisted living home. So, the bottom line is every time he went there (out of state) to visit his mother he was also seeing this other woman. At first I was devastated because I’d actually also busted him 4 years prior for lying for years about going to strip clubs every time he left town. So, I have gone through many stages with him declaring his love for me and in the beginning I desperately wanted to save my marriage. Now two years later I find myself numb to him and thinking I’ve fallen out of love with him. I never have regained trust even though he seems to be doing right by me. He deceived me for so long and so many times that I don’t trust my own judgment of him any longer. So, I’m facing age 60 shortly and have put 23 years into this marriage. The sad part is he is 12 years older than me, so he’ll need help in his old age soon. I don’t think I want to be the person to do that for him anymore. Not sure what I want…..
    at the time of the affair I ordered your ebooks, but that was when I felt certain that I wanted to save my marriage. This is a completely different feeling I have now.

  4. How to go to sleep tonight how do I get her off my mind how do I forget her how can I forget the baths we took the showers we had the love we made how can I move on how can I move on from my soulmate I think she found out too late that you love me I think she wanted to hurt me before I hurt her but there’s one problem I never hurt her I never planned to hurt her I plan to love her cherish her this sickness and in health till death do us part

  5. It is really hard especially when kids are involved, I have a year old daughter and pregnant again… he constantly stays later after work makes up excuses that don’t sound believeable. He constantly lies about stupid stuff, spends money he shouldn’t, drinks everyday, and smokes a ton and is not very connected and it hurts because he begs me to stay and cries when we have a serious talk, he says over and over I’m sorry I’ll change please trust me… but how can you when he’s cheated and does all those things and gives no attention to me :( I feel unloved and alone.

  6. Erica Prewett says

    My husband paid for happy endings several times, made out with people in bars in front of my friends, slept with my best friend , let supposed friends give him a pole dance and runs and jumps into his arms when ever they see each other, and tells me to stop causing issues if I say anything, will defend another woman if I start to ask questions and tell me I’m drama and tells me I’m just starting a fight, goes to strip clubs and bars and lies and says he was at work, slept with his best friends sister and tried to do it again with me in the next room, when I walked in she ran away and he got angry with me and wouldn’t talk to me, had sex with 2 sister and their mom and so every time he and I argue he runs to them. Has told me he has to think of his past sexual partners to get off. Tries to hide he watches porn and does live video feed and chats 24/7. He has been abusive and negative and makes me feel like it’s my fault he did all this to me. Sets no boundaries for any female in his life(my friends, his cousins wife’s sisters, coworkers,people he calls his sisters or family, tried committing suicide twice in our marriage because I told him I was leaving him and couldn’t deal with his behavior and I deserved better and told me and his family it’s all my fault. Doesn’t validate my feelings! Has lights me when I talk to him or try talking about what he has been doing and why. Lies very well it’s disturbing over everything. Takes off in the middle of the night when I’m sleeping at 2-4am and won’t tell me why and says prove it. Makes me feel worthless and like nothing more then I’d like to admit. Has several accounts for media’s and phone number and instant messages. Has security better then NASA in his phone. I could keep going on but I won’t. I’m still with him hopeful,praying,trying desperately to make things work. I love him and I know our relationship is not what love is but I’ve tried leaving several times and I always come back before he realizes I’m gone. It takes 2 to tango in a real iOS hip so I’m no angel. I accuse him constantly of cheating, have 0 trust in him, I’m short with him and have said some awe full things to him. I don’t know what to do anymore or how to get past what he has done to me and my self esteem. Please no hard judgements , I’m only human

  7. I had suspicions of my wife having an affair when she started taking multiple trips with my kids to go “visit” her mom in another state, which was just 3 hours away, but the time away was for 2 weeks at a time for roughly 3 months. I had a hunch when passwords were changed for the credit card, social media which we shared, and even locking me out of my own cell phone account. After countless arguments and questioning if there was another person, crying for hours on end, not eating for weeks, she finally admitted she was having an affair with an ex-boyfriend, who she also filled in my personal insecurities to, current financial status and lack of sexual motivation. I was broken, especially because she always spoken poorly about couples that are involved with infidelity and this man happened to go in her phone log, find my contact and send me multiple texts regarding the affair. I was disgusted with her and wanted to end my suffering so bad. I felt so much guilt because she expressed, like many do, that I wasn’t there for her, but after 12 years of marriage she found that my absence from sexual behavior being inconsistent for 5 months was enough to have an affair. The trust factor is still tough because my wife told many of her “single friends” about the affair and they were cheerleading the situation including her very single sister. It’s now that she finally eliminated the 3rd, 4th and 5th party from our marriage and we are now focusing on rebuilding trust. It’s a difficult process because we have children together and I don’t want this to affect the kids at all. So I myself try to focus on the positive in our relationship and the negative as well to relearn when we were up or down, what steps we took to maintain strength. Although this is a new obstacle…I know time can heal but it’s only harder now because of trust. I honesty love my wife and hope we can find a new happiness.

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