Confronting the other Woman: Revenge affair

Another case study: Confronting the other woman when facing a Revenge affair.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

The OP had no idea my husband was married. He had told her he was divorced. He travels and she was living in the state he was working in during those months. My motivation was to verify if he had told me the truth about her and their relationship…he hadn’t, he had left out alot and tried to smooth over the details so I wouldn’t know just how involved they were and how much he had betrayed me. His was a revenge affair against me.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She was apologetic because she didn’t know, and felt horrible for hurting me unknowingly. And had alot of anger towards him as well. She assured me that if he contacted her in any way she would let me know. She also brought to light some of his lies he kept telling me for the next year AFTER the affair. She contacts me every once and awhile to see how I’m doing and vice versa. We formed an awkward friendship of sorts, trying to repair ourselves. Neither one of us hates the other in any way, and have leaned on each other for emotional support occasionally. She supported me when I decided to stay with my husband and work things out. It’s been a long road.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No I would not do it differently. Especially since he was lying to both of us, I felt responsible to clear the air as to my status with him (yes we were married, i was 9 months pregnant when i found out.) I learned that when the cheating spouse is found out, they want the discovery anger to be brief and the recovery to be quick. And they will deny details to ensure that happens (i.e. i only saw her once a week , when really, he saw her every night, etc.) I learned that I can be the bigger person, and even through the hurt I could forgive the OP in this situation and see the situation for what it was.

Coach’s Comments:

Let’s assume that her assessment is correct; that it is a revenge affair. (Affair type #5 in my E-book, Break Free From the Affair.)

If facing this type of affair, one is confronted with slippery slopes. By that I mean, it’s often very difficult to nail down exactly what is happening. It’s difficult to get a straight answer. One often wonders what the spouse is thinking. And, one picks up on this undercurrent of hostility that says, “leave me alone.”

Some refer to this as “passive aggressive” behavior. The husband was exhibiting the same behavior with the other person – withholding, passively controlling and in essence, limiting intimacy.

Confronting the other person brought clarity and the truth. When the husband was confronted with the truth the gig was up.

Please know that this revenge affair did not slide into a rage affair. Perhaps, over time, if the wife continues confronting the underlying resentment more intimacy might emerge in the marriage.

Confronting the Other Woman: Triggers Revenge

Here’s another case study on confronting the other woman, and my comments below:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My husband was hours late coming home and the kids were wondering if he was ok. So I went to her work to get him. She works as a security manager at a store so she could see me come in on the cameras and they took 15 minutes to get their stories together and come out to the store floor.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

My husbands introduced us as I noticed her bra was hanging out of her shirt. He said she and I should talk so she took me to the back of the store where she gave me the story that she was not a home wrecker. That they were soul mates. And she had tried to make him go back to me but it was futile because the attraction was so strong. A month later I asked him to move out because he was treating me poorly in front of the kids. She moved in with him and left her husband. He has lost his identity and she runs the show. He has given up much of his past times.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I needed to get my husband home but confronting her was like giving them open license to do whatever they wanted. He started flaunting his “needs” in front of me and becoming self-centered and cold. At least when they thought I didn’t know, he was more courteous and kind — especially with the kids and he actually lied less. This affair that he thought was so wonderful has compromised his whole being to the point where he is not even himself anymore.

Coach’s Comments:

Confronting the other person will bring about changes. It almost always changes the dynamic of the affair. Why? Because an affair is based on secrets and deception. Once this element is removed, change occurs.

I make the assumption in this case that the man has a tendency to give power to women. His wife seemed practical and assertive. As the wife explains, “she now runs the show.”

Those who give their personal power to others often experience anger which may turn to rage. This resentment is targeted away from self to others. (One is really angry with self… for giving power away so easily – but usually is unaware of or doesn’t want to be aware of that dynamic.)

With the other person now “in charge” he targets his resentment toward this wife, where perhaps, he needs to prove (to himself) he is not such a wimp.

The wife is now experiencing that part of him that was always there – hidden – but now expressing itself in her presence.

This dynamic is common in the “I Want to Get Back at Him/Her” affair.

Infidelity Revenge Affair – Betrayal of a Cheating Spouse

The revenge affair is very different from the rage affair. These sub-sets of affairs are outlined in affair #5 “I want to get back at him/her” in “Break Free From the Affair.”

This video is a taste: