I Want to be Close to Someone: A Confusing Type of Affair

“I want to be close to someone (which means I can’t stand intimacy)” is the seventh type of affair discussed in the ebook Break Free from the Affair.

In this type of affair, there is generally a lot of confusion. A lot of people who are going through this type of affair say, “I don’t know what to do. I’m really confused. One minute he says he doesn’t want me, and then the next minute he wants to work things out. What do I do?”

All the confusion from this type of affair comes from two things: the pain from discovering the affair, and the confusion he has about what he really wants.

Upon discovering your partner’s affair, you usually react by thinking that you want nothing to do with him, that you don’t deserve to be treated that way, and that you want out. But when your partner shows signs that he regrets what he did and he wants to try to work things out with you, you change your mind and think, “Maybe we can make this work.”

This is the hallmark of this type of affair. Because your partner is confused about what he wants, and about who he wants, it usually becomes a dragging kind of situation where both him and the other person are stuck because you don’t know what to do. A part of you pulls you in one direction – to leave him and start over – and another part of you pulls you in another – to stay and try again. And all the confusion comes from not knowing which part of you to follow.

Getting out of being stuck will take a lot of reflection and self-evaluation. You will have to decide on your own, without any regard to what your partner wants, what you want to do and where you want to go. It is the only way you will stop the confusion of this type of affair.


  1. I am married for 4 years. I fell in love with my colleague 3 years back ie. when I had completed just one year in my married life.
    The story is like I got married to a my longtime boyfriend which was a long distance affair ( after 7 years). We were in same college. He is a good leader, helpful good talker and his parents were also friendly then. But after marriage I realised that though he can be a really good friend helpful, leader, n responsible to others, he is not that responsible at home. When I used to come back from office he used to go n play squash or any sports for hours and I used to be alone then. I used to get irritated as he never took interest in homefront matters. I had come far away from my friends and parents so I used to feel all the more lonely that time. I wanted someone who could talk to me listen to me. At this point that is after 1 and half year I met this colleague who didn’t knew at that point that I was married. He started liking me. We became good friends and he came to know that I was married. Still we were very good friends texting after reaching hone having lunch together in office. He used make me feel happy n special. Though my husband loves me a lot he was never there when I needed the mist. As time passed we realised that e were in live and couldn’t control our feelings. We knew that we cannot come together as I was married n he was single and were prepared for distance tgat would come between us as we had to get transfered to diffrent places. Then I got transfered to other branch of my office and one day I asked him whether he is going to get married to any other girl. That time he said that he had proposed one girl and she was ready to get married. I was angry n crushed but he said that I was married and settled and so he wished to be and that he didn’t want my marriage to get over.
    Now after knowing my colleague for three years he got married recently. But a week before his marriage we met and I had made up my mind that I am going to loose him that moment he burst into tears and opened up that he loved me like anything and anybody in this world and will continue loving him and that he wants to be in touch with even after his marriage via texts. Again I fell for him and my love for him increased 200%. Now its been 4 months that he is married and not getting enuf time for me. I do understand. And I don’t want that poor girl to suffer becoz of me. But I can’t see him married to anyone. Every time think of not thinking of him but it doesn’t help. I have stopped texting him. He sends me some texts in a week. I don’t understand whether to wait for miracle that one day we will be together. I realllllly love him n I know he also feels the same but we don’t want to hurt anybody. But I waiting that one day everything will be right and we both will b together.
    My husband loves me a lot but I feel total stranger being with him. This is not now it was before my lover came into my life.
    Please help me out. I really can’t stay without this guy. I really want some miracle to happen . ( this may be like every other extra marital affair but I realllyyyy love him)

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