Infidelity Testimonials: Focusing on Getting Better After Infidelity

The following is a recap of an actual coaching session between Dr. Huizenga and a client who is going through an extramarital affair crisis.

This is what the client had to say about her situation with her husband who had had an affair:

My husband said that he wanted a divorce after I’d found out about his affair. He didn’t even really talk to me about it. He never gave me details of how it began and why it happened in the first place. He just left one day and didn’t so much as see me for over a month. I was absolutely crushed, thinking that my family –with our two children, who are seven and 18 months old, and our nephew who we take care of – was destroyed, and I am all they have left. Or at least that’s what it felt like. I know the affair wasn’t my fault and I had nothing to do with why it happened to begin with, so I just try to always focus on the positive and think of ways that I can myself better.

His affair happened while he was on active duty to support the war. He became involved with a married woman after he’d told her that he was divorced and that his wife left him. I think that’s why it hurt more — that he lied about our family and our marriage. Our family and friends were very much surprised over what happened, and clearly I am as well, but I am grateful that they are here to support me and I have to say that am stronger for it.

After hearing her situation, she asked what she can do to help herself move forward with her life and become stronger as an individual. Here are some of the suggestions that Dr. Huizenga gave her to work on:

1. Keep on working on self-improvement goals. Get a pen and paper and make a list of the things you want to achieve for yourself. Writing it down helps to make it more of a commitment and you will be able to track which ones you’ve already achieved.

2. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of your marriage and the life you had with your husband. As important as it is for you to move forward with your life, there’s nothing wrong with taking a little break from time to time to remember that a relationship that was  once near and dear to your heart is no longer there.

3. Create a journal of your internal dialogue, focusing on the part of you that has negative thoughts and reflecting on what it is you think that this part of you wants. Understanding yourself — what you’re feeling and thinking — will be very helpful to you in making decisions for your future.

4. Continue leaning on your support system. The people around you will be the ones who will help pull you through this tough time in your life. Do not be afraid to depend on them every once in a while.

Going through an infidelity crisis is never easy, and you should be able to get all the help and support that you can. So do not be afraid to ask for it, especially when you are at a loss as to what to do next.

Infidelity Q&A #20: What Patterns Can I Break Free From?

Infidelity is an opportunity for you to evolve and become the kind of person you
really, truly want to be.

It’s also an opportunity for the relationship to move to another level of depth and
richness and intimacy and joy. And it really is, I believe. You may not believe it
right now, but believe me, it is.

I’ve seen hundreds; perhaps thousands of people move to that level and use
infidelity as an opportunity in a springboard for something better in their life.

So let’s take a minute then to reflect upon how you can break free from certain
patterns in your life.

Imagine yourself three months from now. Who do you want to be three months from now?

Imagine what that would feel like, for you to be who you truly want to be three
months from now. What would you be saying? What would you be doing?

Take some time with those questoins. Three months.

Now go a year.

Imagine yourself a year from now, being the person that you truly are, being the
person that you truly want to become. What would that feel like? What would that
look like? What would that be like?

Now let’s ramp it up a notch, and go five years from now.

What do you see for yourself five years from now, being the kind of person that you
truly want to be? Again, what would that feel like? What would that look like? Take
some time with those questions.

Now go to your relationships.

What kind of a relationship would you like to have three months from now? What would
it feel like? What would it be like? What would the interaction be like? Imagine
that; live in that. What would you be doing in that?

Who would you be in that relationship three months from now? What would that feel like?

And again, go ahead a year from now.

What would your relationship like to look like a year from now? What would be the
dynamics of that relationship? What would you be doing with each other; what would
you be doing in that relationship? What would he or she be doing with you?

Then again, take that ahead five years from now.

What would it be like, being who you really want to be, the relationship being what
it truly is meant to be? These are important questions to ask.

Again, what are the patterns that you would like to break free from so that you and
your relationship can become truly who you want to be and truly what it’s meant to

Infidelity Q&A #19: What Am I Learning About Myself?

Stuff happens. Did you ever see the bumper sticker that says “Stuff happens?” It
doesn’t really say stuff happens, but you get the idea.

Infidelity happens. It happens and it feels like the end of the world, doesn’t it?
It can be devastating. The feelings are indescribably intense. The images and the
negative thoughts consume a person for hours, for days, for weeks and sometimes for

The process takes two to four years for normal people to heal, to reconcile, to
forgive and move on.

For those who research, read and study and approach the infidelity intentionally, a
shorter period of time is the result.

There’s a huge investment that’s asked of us when we encounter this demon called
infidelity or an affair.

So let’s think about this a minute. Let’s think about the fact that infidelity is
given to you or happens to you.

Let’s put this in a theoretical framework.

This framework for me, at least, says that life is not problem-free.

Life is filled periodically with times of transitions, times of change, times of
trauma, times of death, times of crisis of various kinds.

We can’t escape it. We try. We work hard not to go there, but I believe that life
offers us and our relationships times of intense challenge, change, transition,
trauma and crisis. A child dies. A person gets sick, cancer, heart attack or is
disabled. Debilitating events pop up and emerge.

You can’t escape. You can’t get away from those kinds of events, and they always
continue until the point of our death.

So where does that leave you and leave you with the infidelity in your life? This is
a challenge to you.

I want you to see infidelity as a gift. That’s right.

Infidelity can be an impetus for you to evolve and develop into the kind of person
you are meant to be and that you truly want to become.

And as well, infidelity can help a relationship evolve and become fully what it’s
meant to be – a deeper, richer relationship.

Infidelity is a gift.

What are you learning about you?

What are you learning about relationships?

Give some thought to those questions.