Archives for June 2008

Infidelity Resource: A Personal Story

Writing can be cathartic and healing.

I recently received an e-mail from one of my readers stating that she had written about her experience with infidelity and put it into book form.

Here’s a segment from her book. If Nan’s style and content intrigues you, feel free to follow up…

“One Family’s Journey Through Emotional Infidelity.”

Worst Nightmare

When Ron finally went into the bedroom and turned the TV on after lashing out at Carol, Melissa asked her to go outside with her for a minute so they could talk. “Mom, something has to be done about him. I couldn’t believe he lost his temper like that. He hasn’t been the same since he started talking to that witch.” She grimaced.
Ron wanted his favorite salad dressing at dinner, which turned out to be behind something else in the refrigerator. Carol couldn’t see it and closing the door of the refrigerator went to look in the pantry. Ron rushed into the room and started yelling at her not to slam doors. She said she didn’t as she reached to open the pantry cupboard. He caught her off-guard when he tried to get her out of his way. By the time she and Melissa went outside, she had two lumps on her head, and the beginning of two black eyes. Ron had been in a bad mood since earlier in the day when Trish had caught up with him online. That was usually enough to put him in a foul mood for a couple of days. She knew how to push all the right buttons, and she wasn’t just doing it with Ron, but he couldn’t be convinced of that.
Things were quiet for the rest of the night, but Carol didn’t sleep. She sat up wondering what she was going to do. She was at a loss because she couldn’t talk to Ron about Trish. That usually ended up being disastrous. If he didn’t have anything to do with her for a while, she’d always find a way to start the contact again, and usually by guilt tripping him. He never discouraged her even though he knew how much it hurt Carol. The only person who seemed to be able to get through to him was Melissa. He’d never been close to his own daughter, and he and Melissa had always gotten along pretty well. She was one of the few people who could put him in his place without him losing his temper. At least until Trish came into the picture.

“One Family’s Journey Through Emotional Infidelity.”

Infidelity Discovery: Death Without Dying – Part 5

In this, part 5, my friend continues to describe his feelings and thoughts upon discovery of his wife’s betrayal.

He says…

Happiness seems such a distant goal. That celebration of gaining something valued. Can it come again? Will it ever warm this house again?That facing of the future full of hope, and aspirations and dreams. Something I valued is gone. Two remain. And steadfast, we must rebuild and redefine.

My sadness seems terminal. Acute. A desperate ache. Care in the face of loss. I’ve lost something I value. And sometimes it feels like everything I valued. I lost so much of me. I’m Paul and Claude´ and have been for over three decades. It’s the second question everyone asks of me. A question I was comfortable answering. And now I don’t know. So much that I don’t know. So much that I don’t understand. So much waiting, wanting.
Someone else, please take the question. Please! So grief is appropriate. Necessary. But I’m way too good at grieving. The river flows in torrents and scares me. When does the inner peace return? Can a past that big ever be closed? Can a wound this deep ever heal?
My God, I loved her. And I didn’t ever have a clue of just how much. Honor my love for what I lost even though it feels unjustly torn away from me. Even though it seems and feels like a grave injustice has been committed and my value, my soul was ripped from my chest. Just this bag of sand sitting where my heart once beat. I want this part over. I want a future. I want who I am to be and become. Give me a timeline. Blessed are they who mourn – Bullshit! Oh, for they shall be comforted – OK, I’ve found a true friend and have some family. This funeral has no body, however, and the acquaintances and their requisite comfort is forgone. Let’s move on. How long must this grieving go on? Will it, can it, ever end? What needs to happen for me to feel at peace?

I want enthusiasm and juice back in my life, a beating heart back in my chest. An idea and ideals that urge me on and excite me. I want to attain wholeness again. And I want to direct and star in the journey there.

“I’ve met somebody. I’m leaving you.” So many possible negative outcomes. A family divided and split. The past forever lost. The connections to the future frayed, wild and coiled and recoiled. A life of work and the physical rewards of that work squandered, split, shared, lost and given to those who divide it like spoils of war. So much fear.Fear of the known.Fear of the unknown. Fear of another bomb shell. Prepare, protect and mitigate risk – another balancing act to avoid scarcity mentality, to avoid bridges burned and forever losing things we value more than things.

Infidelity and Male Sexual Abuse

A component of Affair #6: “I Need to Prove My Desirability” is often a history of sexual abuse at the worst and/or sexual confusion at the best.

Infidelity of this nature often serves the unspoken and mostly unconscious desire to “check out” one’s sexual capacities. It’s as if the lid was kept on for years and now the pain and poison of his/her history begins seeping out and is played out in the form of infidelity or extramarital affairs.

This can be a powerful experience for him and terribly confusing for his spouse.

I say “his” because I want to call attention to male sexual abuse.

It’s believed that 1 out of 6 boys are molested before the age of 16.

I’m presenting a powerful video on male sexual abuse.

I invite those who have suffered abuse (male and female) to watch the video. If your husband is having an affair and has a degree of openness about it and it is a possibility he as suffered some form of sexual abuse, give him a special invitation. He might want to view it alone.