A Common Problem when Healing the Marriage

Couples who are trying to heal the marriage after an affair usually have so much problems and issues that they have to face.

There’s the affair itself, the trust and betrayal issues that come with the affair, and so many others.

One of the issues that couples have to address during this healing process is how their actions and words generate negativity within each other. This actually happens more than people think.

Most of the time, you may not see anything offending or bad about the things you say or do. But what you don’t know is that they may actually be affecting your husband or wife in a negative way. Your spouse could be insulted or hurt by something that will keep you from healing the marriage, and you may not even understand why that is so.

Here is an example:

During your affair, you made it a habit to your husband a present of some sort after every meeting you have with the other person, such as flowers or a new tie for example. Whether it is done consciously or unconsciously, this has become your practice. After your spouse discovers your affair, he or she realizes what those presents mean – a kind of guilty present for your affair. Your husband or wife will relate those presents with the betrayal of your affair from then on. So, even after you end your affair and begin to heal the marriage, whenever you give your husband or wife presents, he or she will look at a bouquet of flowers or a bottle of his favorite in a negative light.

That present, which is now a sign of your love and devotion to your spouse that you hope will help in healing the marriage, becomes a reminder of the pain and betrayal that he or she felt caused by your affair because he or she still sees it as the sign of guilt that it used to be.

What your spouse needs to do is to try to stop associating your giving of presents as a sign of guilt and accept them for what they are – as apologies. He or she needs to heal this part of him or her, and see how it is affecting your current relationship. Letting go of those feelings of betrayal, focusing on what you are trying to have now and accepting those presents will help more effectively in healing the marriage.

Of course, just forgetting about your affair won’t be easy at all for your husband or wife. What you can do, on your part, is to be a little more sensitive with regards to giving your spouse presents. If you know that he or she won’t have the response that you hope for, try to find other ways that you can express your love for him or her. Don’t force this kind of practice in your relationship because you know that it will only cause more harm than good. This way, you are helping each other heal the marriage.

How Does the Confrontation of the OP Serve Me

What will the confrontation of the other person do for you?

In confronting the other person, underlying and very pertinent questions are:

What will confronting the other person get for me?
What kind of person am I and how do I want to express that in the confrontation?
What kind of person do I want to become and how can I use the confrontation to expedite that?
How can the confrontation best serve me?
What personal needs do I have now that the confrontation may meet?

This case study illustrates a person concerned about how SHE wants to present herself in the confrontation – no consideration for outcome in terms of the op, but only in terms of how she wants to be.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I simply walked up to her and congratulated her on a job well done in a show she was in with my husband.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She looked at me like a scared little rabbit. I really thought she was expecting me to blow up in her face, but I did the exact opposite. I felt very powerful and full of energy. I had taken back control. I wanted her to know that I existed. I was hoping it would burst the fantasy bubble. Later, I found out from my husband that she had been scared as I was walking toward her expecting a big scene. I calmly complimented her and gave her a hug. Wow! Tough, but necessary to charge neutral.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would have done it the same exact way. Sometimes I wonder if I should have said something more sarcastic, but I always come back to being very pleased with how I did handle the situation.

My Marriage Made Me Do It – Affair #1

I put up a new page on squidoo today with an article on “Infidelity and My Failing Marriage: 14 Traits of the Offender”

I had a poll on the page asking people to rank the most prominant trait of their spouse who was having the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” affair.

Guess what? It was no suprise that the leader (so far) in the poll was: “fails to take responsiblity.”

That coincides with my belief that someone in that kind of affair places responsiblity on everything except self. It’s the marriage’s fault! This OP will make me utterly blissful and happy! etc.

Check out the poll and page if you would like: http://www.squidoo.com/failing_marriage

Remember, this too shall pass….