Archives for May 2009

Finding Infidelity Help with Abuse and Criticism

Finding support and help is important in facing infidelity. It is crucial in facing the “I Can’t Say No” type of affair which frequently includes some form of substance abuse.

So, I posed this questions to my readers:

What online or offline resources have you found helpful in dealing with abuse, criticism and blame from a cheating spouse and… how did you find them helpful?


****I quickly got in touch with a local divorce group from a non-denominational church who offered varied support groups, and I am a Roman Catholic. Then, got in touch with both a psychiatrist for medication to help me thru the depression and rage, and a therapist to help me work thru my horrible feelings caused by the betrayal. Both offered support. But most of all, I didn’t HIDE what happened to me. I shared with everyone I could, even strangers, that this bastard had a secret/double life. I needed to hear over and over again that HIS DECISION WASN’T MY FAULT!!!! It was his choice and way of dealing with the personal crisis in our lives at the time, whatever it be. I allowed myself periodic pity parties to vent the emotional turmoil I was feeling, either alone, or on others shoulders. Whatever it took.

****Counseling and a same sex support group of friends. He has no support group but his counselor who he sees only when convenient. Divorce Care meetings at a local church even when separated. They have a daily GREAT email too. has a great daily email too.

****You always wonder if how you were thinking was right and knowing how the triangle situation works and how the partys will react etc Now knowing some of this makes me wish I had more insight previously it would have saved me a lot of agony and also been able to handle the situation better instead of buying into the manipulation that was happening and my nature being as it is created more of a problem because i am an enabler …very insightful ..thank you

****Chatting to others in similar situations…

****My husband has been having an emotional, escalated to a physical affair with his barmaid for 4 years now. He refuses to give her up and is a classic #4. Along with the blame and anger he projected at me he began to be physically violent ( something that NEVER happened in 17 years of marriage). The incidents were rare and not extreme.( a slap, a shove, etc..). I warned him that If he ever touched me again that I would call the police. He came home and was intimidating me. I tried to lock him out of the bedroom and he slammed me behind the door. Well my foot is fractured and now has a screw in it and I am in a cast. I called the police and filed a PFA against him the next day. They went to his place of work ( he is the boss-owner) to serve him. He is not allowed anywhere near me. He is sorry now and wants to seek counseling. I don’t know what I will do yet. But I know that he will NEVER touch me in anger EVER again. He is a prominent business man who thinks he is invincible. I do not know if he is sincere or if I care, but take my advice. Next time …CALL THE COPS.

Infidelity: Steps in the Healing Journey

What does it take to heal from infidelity?

I asked my readers, in terms of what is helpful about some of my information. Here are some responses:

***I am learning how to control my mood and my feelings about my self. I just I could get my husband to think and open his eyes when it comes to the OP. I know that he will only see what he wants to see and I have to stay strong in my direction and continue working on myself. I am emotionally ready for whatever comes next. I know I will make it.

***I find some comfort in knowing i am not the only one. It has also helped prevent me to continue from doing some of the things (I love you’s, counseling)it said not to do.

***I have somewhat of a better understanding of why my husband’s affair happened.

***Acknowledging how I am feeling, knowing that my feelings are natural.

***I learned that I had to back off and let my husband come back to me on his own time–but he knew he was welcome to come back. I had to work on me–not my hubby–abut my problems that I knew had to change. I had to work on self-esteem so I wouldn’t be so needy.While talking things out my hubby is now willing to change jobs–his idea–his decision!!I learned how to listen to him and just be supportive–it worked he opened up more from the heart than he has in a long time!

***i have come to realize that the affair he is into is not my fault and that i can become a better person if only i stop feeling sorry for myself and be more realistic.

***It helped me getting a different perspective on what is happening in my marriage and in myself. I also helped me avoiding some things that I impulsively felt like doing that could actually jeopardize my goal. It gave me insight that I didn’t have and that made things somewhat more understandable.

Confronting the Other Person is Not Confronting an Adult

An unfortunate assumption is that two adults have affairs.

Actually, this is far from the truth. Infidelity is not about a relationship of two adults.

Adults live their lives with joy, passion, according to internalized standards, with respect and acceptance of others, by the values that give and sustain life, transparent to themselves and others, with predictability and consistency and with an overarching concern for the welfare and well-being of others, as well as themselves.

Infidelity is more about a parent-child relationship bound by deceit, strong unresolved personal needs that are consistently sought after, a confusion about standards and values and a desire to live life in the shadows.

Or, infidelity follows the triangle pattern which states that a person is bound (unconsciously) by strictly held roles of either rescuer, persecutor or victim. Much drama and pain in those roles.

So, when confronting the other person, do not expect adult-like responses.

This case illustrates the point:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

10 months after my husband claimed all contact had ended, he gave me access to his business phone bill and saw that they had constant contact during our reconciliation. I wanted to know what they talked about, but he refuses to tell me. I called her cell phone to see if she still had the same number and left a calm message inviting her to call me back. I figured we are all adults who were supposedly hurt and could now talk in a calm manner about the two most devastating years of my life. She was supposedly trying to attain a degree in family counseling and had said all the “right” things during the crazy days of first discovery: “Be kind to yourself and to your wife;” “You obviously love her. Go and make it right with her;” and “I miss you too (to him, in a text I discovered initially) but having been in the same situation I could never inflict the pain on others I experienced in my first marriage.”

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She did NOT Call me back, but rather tracked my husband to his new office and said flatly, “Your wife called my cell phone. She was also parked in my driveway once.” THAT NEVER happened. So much for my thinking that she was a mature adult who could handle a mature, calm conversation, many, many months after the affair ended and all contact stopped.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No, I don’t think so. It reformed my opinion of her. Initially, I felt only empathy towards her, a lonely single mom. Now, I realize she was an immature drama queen, who spoke a good game whether it be for money, gifts, or weekends away she could not afford on her own. I now have some compassion for my husband. I think in a low time in our lives and our marriage, he was played for the price of admiration and flattery. How sad it all is, not only for me and my children, but for him as well. We still have so much more work to do.