Archives for December 2007

How to Heal from a Past Affair?? In the Present

If you and your partner are working to heal yourselves and your marriage after an affair, you may have experienced this?? Words or actions happen that immediately trigger negativity within you. The words or actions may not seem like such a big deal to others but, for you, there is something about them that is upsetting. You may not even understand why you feel this way, you just do.

Consider this scenario??

Chuck brought his wife, Elaine, a beautiful bouquet of flowers following all of the rendezvous he had with the woman he was having an affair with. In the course of his infidelity being discovered, Elaine realized this pattern and came to associate Chuck’s action of giving her flowers with the pain of the affair. Now, 10 years since Chuck ended his relationship with the other woman, Elaine always bristles when he gives her flowers. She is unable to enjoy what is now Chuck’s way of expressing love for Elaine?”not, as was his previous motivation, his guilt.

Being given flowers by her husband, fires off a negative anchor that instantly transports Elaine back to the past and the painful feelings around the affair. It is these past feelings of hurt and betrayal that Elaine needs to heal. In the present, Elaine can tune in to herself and realize she is experiencing the baggage of an unhealed experience. She can choose to let go of those old feelings, live in the present moment, and perhaps even allow herself to enjoy Chuck’s gift for what it is.

For his part, Chuck can be sensitive to this association and choose different ways to express his love for Elaine that don’t always involve flowers. Together, they can heal from the past and create a new future for themselves.

Stephen Covey refers to situations like this scenario when he says, “Old resentments never die. They just get buried alive and come up later in uglier ways.?? When we hold on to unresolved resentments, they tend to come up again in different circumstances and even with different people. They may be similar to the original trauma?”as was the case with Chuck and Elaine. Or, they may appear quite different but share similarities that are more subtle.

To begin to heal past resentments, take a moment when you first feel yourself being triggered. Examine where the negativity is coming from. Being aware of what you do, is an important first step to changing patterns. From within, take a look at the previous situation or relationship. Where did these feelings come from? Who and what was involved in the situation? Differentiating between what happened in the past and what’s happening right now is vital.

When it comes down to it, opening up to forgiving the person who may have caused you pain is part of the process. Honoring how that experience helped create who you are right now is another part. Once you are able to release the past, you will be freer to experience emotional freedom and the life you want for yourself.


Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of “Should You Stay or Should You Go?” “Relationship Trust” and “No More Jealousy” are experts at helping people get more of the love they really want. Learn how you can create more trust by visiting

After an Affair, Can You Trust Again?

By Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches

When it comes to your marriage or intimate relationship, trust is sometimes taken for granted. If you or your partner has an affair, however, trust very quickly moves from ignored in the background to very prominent at the forefront. Marriages and intimate relationships are usually based on agreements we make with our partner. These often include staying faithful to one another, though what that means can vary. We trust that these agreements will be honored. Unfortunately, after an affair, trust that agreements will be kept is seriously weakened and can even feel destroyed.

If you are in a relationship in which one, or both, of you have been unfaithful, you may wonder if it is possible to regain trust. We’re here to tell you that if you choose to stay in your relationship, building healthy trust again IS possible.

Trust may be weakened to varying degrees. You might feel doubt that you are lovable?”particularly if you let your true self show. Especially if you and your partner are trying to come back together after an affair, fears that he or she is cheating on you may come up. However subtle or intense, any weakened or lacking trust will stand in the way of you having the close intimate relationship you want.

Consider this example??..

The sport of wall climbing involves a climber ascending a wall (which may be 50 ft. more or less high) held up by only a harness linked in with a rope which the climbing partner (belayer) is responsible for managing. It is up to the belayer to pay attention to whether the climber is moving up, ready to come down, or has popped off the wall (hands or feet slipped off the holds). An irresponsible belayer can mean discomfort and even danger for the climber.

At the same time, the climber must trust his or her belayer. If the climber cannot trust the belayer, the climber may become frozen and end up clinging to the wall holds afraid to move up or down. No fun at all! Climber and belayer must share a sense of trust that each will keep the climbing agreements they’ve made. If they work together, stay present, and communicate clearly the result will more likely be enjoyable for both.

People make mistakes when wall climbing, just as in relationships. Let’s say the belayer’s attention is momentarily distracted and at that moment, the rope becomes slack and the climber pops off the hold. Chances are the belayer will immediately re-focus and the climber will not fall far. But the jolt of the semi-fall may stick in the climber’s mind and affect trust.

In both of these cases, this wall climbing scenario and a couple trying to heal after an affair, regaining trust is key. Both relationships will not grow or flourish without trust.


Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of “Should You Stay or Should You Go?” “Relationship Trust” and “No More Jealousy” are experts at helping people get more of the love they really want. Learn how you can rebuild trust by visiting

Infidelity Help: People are Making it!

It’s good to know there is an end, is it not?

And, to reach the end, we need a beginning point.

Change can happen! Change does happen! Infidelity does not mean your world is forever crashed. Just the opposite.

A new world is being created for you.

Don’t take my word for it. Read these comments from those who began to feel the change and shift after reading “Break Free From the Affair.”

>>>My husband would not talk to me at all. I identified the type(s) of affair, used the suggested guidelines and he has started to communicate with me (slowly, but the wall is coming down).

>>>I began to feel more confident and more in control. I was able to really see how the affair is not my fault. I was also able to identify a pattern in my spouse which helps me to better deal with the situation. The book also gave me some hope that perhaps my spouse will come back and if not I know that I will be a better and stronger person regardless.

>>>Only just read it but feel slightly more hopeful. I can see that I am acting in a needy way and will now try to back off. I realise this is going to take time to come to terms with.

>>>Has reiterated what I have know for years. I know that he will never accept accountability for his actions. So I really need to learn how I can take care of me without the guilt

>>>Gave me validation & understanding of what was occurring.

>>>I was able to use the information to better understand how my husband avoided intimacy by having an affair

>>>It gave me the tools I needed to help me deal with the frustration and wide range of emotions that I was going through.

>>>Breaking Free helped me see that my situation was not hopeless! In fact, I now feel empowered to deal with my situation rather than feeling that situation was dealing with me! It has been a life saver.

>>>It gave me a good guide in what not to say or do when he comes around me. I was getting there on my own but the book gave me a few additional ideas to use.

>>>Charging neutral and understanding that it is not my fault has been very helpful.

>>>It encouraged & validated me. Also helped me understand that what I was experiencing was normal. It really explained what was occurring. Last gave me tools to cope. Thank you!