Archives for May 2012

Real-Life Infidelity Stories: Getting Over Feeling “Controlled”

This real-life situation is from a woman who feels controlled by her husband.

It’s been difficult for me ever since I found out about my husband’s affair, especially because I’ve been trying to get him to tell me the details of what happened between him and her but he just won’t talk to me about it. Now, every time we try to have a conversation about anything, it turns into an argument. We just don’t communicate the way we used to anymore. I’ve been trying to piece together all the things he said with the things I found out and nothing makes sense. His stories don’t match up. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I’m trying to understand and forgive him, but he won’t even tell me the truth. To be honest, I’m getting really fed up with what’s happening. I don’t want to be in love with him anymore. I don’t want to be with him anymore. I feel like he’s controlling me and I just want my life back.

Here are a few things that were suggested for her to focus on:

1. Why do you think that you need to know the details of his affair? Do you think that it will help you cope more or move on faster? Dig deep into the reasons behind your need to know.

2. Try to understand why your partner is so hesitant in telling you what you want to know. Is he doing it for any specific reason?

3. Acknowledge this feeling of powerlessness. When does it usually occur? Rate it on a scale of 1-10. When is it the strongest? What happens that makes you feel powerless? When is it the weakest? Try to pinpoint when it happens and when it isn’t there.

Real-Life Affair Situations: Changing Depression to Hope

There are plenty of different stories, situations and scenarios that are encountered during one-on-one coaching sessions. In one of them, a client spoke about her infidelity crisis where she says that she feels like her depressions caused her husband to have an affair because he was having a hard time living with it. Her depression was so strong that sometimes she wouldn’t go out of the house for days and days, and she would only focus on what her husband was feeling and how he was treating her. She has been trying to work through her depression and move past it, and trying to figure out what she wants for herself and her marriage but she still hasn’t decided whether or not she wants to stay in the marriage. She still lives with her husband in their home, but she hasn’t really committed to anything yet.

You will see that she’s come a long way from being depressed and having her world revolve around her husband. The affair has opened her eyes to a lot of opportunities. She views this experience as well as all her past experiences as her chance to help other people who are going through what she went through, and she is figuring out a way that she can do that. Her focus has changed from only her husband to a bigger picture, and although she sees that her husband is making changes in his life, it isn’t enough for her. She’s decided that if he isn’t ready or willing to give her what she needs from him, that it will be better for them to be apart, and she is ready to move forward with her life.

You see, even the seemingly worst situations can have good endings. And if you see yourself going through the same in your relationship, here are a few things you can do to help you:

1. If your partner isn’t making the changes you were hoping for, let him know what you want to happen and be specific about he changes you want from him. Which of your personal needs should he focus on?

2. If you find yourself having a hard time committing to a decision regarding your relationship, take some time to reflect on why you think that is happening. Are there any particular reasons why you don’t want to make a decision? Think of what you really want to happen in your life and in your relationship.

Infidelity Coaching Session: When Trust Becomes Difficult After Infidelity

Learn from this real-life infidelity coaching session with a client who finds herself having difficulty trusting her husband again after she discovers that he had an extramarital affair.

During this infidelity coaching session, she discusses some of the issues she is going through individually, as well as some of the issues that they are experiencing as a couple. Read on to see if you are in the same situation.

Ever since I found out about my husband’s affair, I’ve been having a hard time trusting him the way I used to. I know that maybe, with some time, I’d be able to do that again, but I’m pretty sure it will never be the same. This whole thing has taught me to put my needs first. I’ve learned to set up boundaries for myself and my husband within our marriage. I guess I just learned to protect myself more. But I want to learn or find out if there are ways that could help us get around the barriers that are keeping us from really reconnecting and making it work and last this time around. I think that at some level we’re basically just afraid, and I want to know about ways that we could get over our fears.

Another barrier we are facing is that we are having difficulty communicating. My husband always says that I have really bad timing when it comes to bringing up conversations like this, but I think he just says that because his idea of moving on is forgetting about what he did or pretending it never happened. I want to try maybe going to an infidelity coaching session as a couple, but I’m not sure how he is going to respond to that suggestion.

Our relationship has never been like this. We’re just so nice to each other all the time and it feels so fake. It was even better when he was having his affair – we talked more and there was a lot more passion in our relationship. Everything now just feels wrong. It’s like we’re so afraid of disappointing each other that we’ve become too cautious about everything we do. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Here are some of the things that were mentioned during the infidelity coaching session that she should focus on while she is going through her infidelity crisis.

1. Be specific about the fear you experience when interacting with your partner. What exactly is it that you or your partner is afraid of disappointing in each other? What other fears do you have regarding your partner and your relationship?

2. Ask your husband what he means by your “bad timing” and ask him when he thinks is the right time to talk to him about the things you want to talk about. You can also try introducing the topic to him before going any further into detail. Say something like “I want to talk about this and that right now. Do you think you’re up to it or would you rather talk about it another time?”

3. Try to identify what specific type of affair your partner was involved in. This will allow you to step back and think of a better plan to approach the issue of rebuilding your marriage.