Archives for March 2010

Infidelity Q&A #7: Should We Have Sex?

When I pose that question in light of the fact that both people are aware of the
affair and the affair is continuing.

It seems a dilemma especially for the wounded spouse: “Should I continue to have sex
with my partner that I know or suspect deeply is still involved with another

A person asks this question, because usually there is a very high level of sexual
intensity between husband and wife.

The affair stirs up sexual intensity and sexual feelings. Often both have a strong
desire to engage in sex, and some people say that sex is better now than it’s ever

This is especially true for particular types of affairs such as the
I-want-to-be-close-to-someone-but-can’t-stand-intimacy affair in which all the pent
up feelings are let loose and the result is more passion.

It’s also true, I believe, for I-fell-out-of-love-and-just-love-being-in-love
affair. Again, there is a strong sexual passion that seems to be released.

In the affair, I-want-to-get-back-at-him-or-her, there is a release from some of the
resentment, and the affair seems to bring a heightened sexual tension between
husband and wife.

If you enjoy sex, it’s mutual and you’re having a great time, then there’s nothing
wrong with sexual activity.

However, if you are the wounded spouse and you seek out sex from your partner who is
reluctant, and you need or seemingly need sex for affirmation but your spouse who is
having the affair is rather reluctant, then it is often best to back off.

Be aware of your own needs system at that level rather than trying to pursue your
cheating spouse by asking for sex or asking for that affirmation regularly.

There’s another kind of affair, I-need-to-prove-my-desire-or-ability, in which is
often inadvisable to engage in sex. Sex in that case is often tied to a history of
sexual abuse
and sexual manipulation.

The cheating spouse is at some level trying to confront this history, so sex becomes
very problematic.

Thirdly, if you feel like your integrity is being violated and if it seems your
cheating spouse wants it out of a sense of hostility, manipulation or control, which
sometimes are typical in I-can’t-say-no or I-don’t-want-to-say-no types of affairs,
then set some boundaries. Be able to say no, and don’t allow your integrity to be


Infidelity Q&A #6: How Do I Get Rid of the Images?

Let me start by saying, “that which you resist, usually persists.”

The more that you try to get rid of the images and thoughts, the more that you try
to fight those disturbing thoughts and images, in essence, you give them more power.

They probably will increase in intensity or at least, continue to be highly
disturbing to you.

Instead of trying to get rid of them or resist them, instead, begin to acknowledge
the thoughts and images.

What you have here, is a part of you sending a message. Saying to you, in essence,
“I am in need of healing.”

These disturbing images and thoughts point to a part of you, a core of you that is
struggling with something. It’s vitally important to pay attention and learn from
those thoughts and images.

And as you do that, the intensity and the frequency of these thoughts and images
will dissipate over time.

When you have an image, or when you have a disturbing thought, and it persists, ask
the question, “What is this image or what does this thought mean to me? What does it
mean to me that I’m having this image, this specific image, this specific thought?

You probably will discover, and most people discover, that it means that a part of
you is feeling inadequate. A part of you says something’s happening here that I
can’t do. When I imagine my spouse being with the other person, sexually or
otherwise, I imagine them being together in a way that I can’t be, or don’t want to
be. Perhaps, that’s an issue. Or I imagine them being together in a way that I would
like to be together with someone and so I’m blocking something.

A particular sexual image may mean that I feel terribly inadequate sexually at that
particular point in time. That’s why I’m having that image. I’m having an image or a
thought because I believe that something’s wrong with me.

This image, this thought, brings up the thought that something’s wrong with me. That
I’m inadequate in some way, or that I’m stuck in some way. So, pay attention to
these images and disturbing thoughts and you’ll probably learn a great deal.

Another trick that I sometimes use with people is to measure the intensity of the
images or the thoughts. Measure them on a scale of one to 10, 10 being as bad as it
can get. Over a period of time you’ll see the fluctuations in the intensity and
frequency of the images.

One final note: I was trained in a process called EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization
and Reprocessing, and it’s a powerful tool. I found it to be a powerful tool to help
people deal with images and thoughts that tend to traumatize them.

Seek out a therapist who is qualified, who’s had two levels of training in EMDR to
help you reprocess the disturbing images and related thoughts.


Judge Rules PI Not Stalking Cheating Wife

A judge in New York ruled in favor of the husband who hired a PI to follow his wife who was having an affair with their priest.

The woman petitioned for a court order to prevent her from being “stalked” by the PI.

The judge ruled against her, claiming her husband had a right to use the evidence in divorce proceedings.

See more the sordid details at