Archives for March 2009

Out of the Victim Role with the Confrontation

The discovery of infidelity often sends the wounded spouse into a tailspin thinking and believing s/he is a victim. And, beyond that, s/he often has a fantasy life of them having this perfect, hot, wonderfully romantic relationship. This exacerbates the victim beliefs.

Carrying these beliefs leads to what some people call depression. The fantasies grind and exist as an obsession about him/her and the other person. No release exists for the thoughts. They are internalized and demand energy.

The person below found that confronting the other woman lifted her “depression.” The confrontation served two purposes: 1. It externalized the energy; she felt emotional relief – the depression lifted. 2. The fantasies about the other person are derailed. Often putting a voice or picture to the person injects some reality and the obsessions of perfection and power cool.

Here is what she says:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I confronted the OP because my obsession with her was really out of control. When I spoke to her, I released a lot of negative feelings which were weighing me down to be honest.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

The outcome of the phone call I made, was that once I had spoken to her, and released a lot of negative feelings, it felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, the obsession ceased, and I have never felt the desire to speak to her again. While I was advised by many not to make the phone call, I am glad I did. It was a turning point for me, I could let go of the unhealthy obsession I had with her. That is not to say, that I don’t still have thoughts about her at all.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I don’t think I would do it differently, the call I made served a purpose for me, and I was able to channel my thoughts away from her, and back to where it should be, at my marriage. I do not feel that I empowered her, although I realise some may argue this point.

Coping with the Affair: Loss of Control

Coping with the affair often means dealing with the reality of losing some control… perhaps much control.

Your life is sent into a tailspin of confusion, fear, anger and pain.

Underneath this is often the thought that you no longer can control your present life or future.

Read how this reader responds to my survey:

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU? For example, how has is changed what you think about? how you spend your time? how you think of yourself? etc? Tell a story or give examples of how your life is now different.

I have no life. I can’t seem to take care of basic needs that were so easy before. I’m not sure if it’s his intention, but I feel he’s in control of my life. We can’t have a discussion without it turning into an argument. All I wanted was the truth from him. His story about what happen. What he did with her. There are things I know. (I found), there are things he’s told me, and there are things he says. His story doesn’t make sense. I feel like I have pieces to a puzzle, and I can’t put it together. I don’t want to love him anymore. I want to live a basic life again. I wanted a chance to forgive him, and trust him If only he trusted me with the truth.

Coping with Infidelity: Getting Out of the Triangle

Much of coping with infidelity, at least the initial rush of fear and panic, involves the capacity to stand back and assume a different perspective, a different way of thinking about your circumstance.

You see, we all have deeply ingrained assumptions about ourselves, about love, about marriage, about relationships that we have gathered along the way that are… well…. just plain inaccurate and distortions of reality. (Too much television, movies, gossip and grocery market tabloids, I suppose.)

Being slammed with infidelity means being slammed by our distortions and inaccuracies.

Once we stand back mentally and are capable of putting together a new way of thinking, the awful feelings subside, we react less and act more.

Here are a couple comments from those who are in the process of making that shift:

1. “As soon as I downloaded the E- Course and started reading it the initial ‘blind’ panic subsided and I started immedialtely to shift my concentration from the horrible negative and hopelessness I felt from my husbands affair. The immediate quote that gave me so much strength was the line – ‘The affair is NOT ABOUT YOU!”.- IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I some how separated myself from the turmoil I was in – it was a bit like leaving a room where two people are arguing I somehow managed to realize that the problem was their problem and this thought was the first positive and very powerful thought that got me thru those first couple of very painful days. Three weeks on we are talking, talking talking, some days are good and then there are the times that I feel angry and hurt, but I seem to handle these bad times much better and when I do have these down days I go back and re-read the E-Course book and keep reminding myself that it is not about me. This way I am able to disassociate myself from the triangle. I am able to become more rationale – talk more rationally and think more rationally. i am also thinking more about myself and where I am going – I am going to use this experience to get on top of my fears and I have told myself many times and now do really believe it that ‘I will be okay’ – believe me without this wonderful book there is no way that I would have every got to this stage. – Thank you so very much.”

2. “It (Killer Mistakes e-course) has given me a different perspective on things by helping me to deal with the hurt in a different way.”