Infidelity Truth? Once a Cheater… Always?

Some believe that once a cheat, always a cheat.

Well, for one kind of affair (“I Don’t Want to Say No“) this is largely true. There is a deeply ingrained long-standing pattern that belies a sense of entitlement and the personal need to exercise power and manipulation over others.

This type of affair is typified in the scenario below as the wounded spouse confronts the other woman (note: texting another man behind the back of another and her response to the confrontation.)

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My husband had been having a type of “emotional affair.” It was a case of “Just friends” with a work colleague, but at some point she went on vacation with her boyfriend. While in a different country, she emailed “I love you” messages to my husband, behind her boyfriends back. My husband wrote an over the top affectionate email to her, so he could tell her that the friendship had gone too far. When he spoke to her by phone when she got back, he told her that things had gone too far and things should resume to work friendliness only. She ignored him and called relentlessly, about 40 times in 2 weeks. He called casually twice. This whole “affair” thing came to light when he forgot to sign off on his computer and I saw her “ILY” emails right on the screen. He was “caught.” I was in such shock and pain, I asked husband to call here and tell her whatever it was, was over between them. He refused, left the house to call her and tell her it was over. In my immediate shock, I called her at work to simply tell her I knew about her and the emails she’d sent.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I called her office, she answered the phone and I told her who I was. There was a period of dead silence. I think she was very surprised, and couldn’t talk at first. Then, she said in a very obnoxious tone, “I don’t know you, I’ve never met you.” I said “No, but you know my husband, John Smith (fake name). She then said my marriage problems were between me and my husband. She said a few mean things, and then hung up on me. All I said was that I knew she’d been emailing my husband. She came up with the rest of it.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I don’t know that I learned anything, except perhaps that this woman was extremely cold, and sounded selfish. There was something ugly in the way that she could react with such spitefulness toward someone she knew would obviously be quite hurt and shocked. Even though emotions were going crazy inside me, when I spoke to her, only the sentences I wrote above, I said them calmly to her. I simply let her know I knew about her and I also said there was impropriety if nothing else, in her dealings with my husband. I did nothing undignified, and I’m ok with that. In retrospect, if I had it to do over I probably would not have called. Why even let them get the satisfaction of knowing they impacted you in any way. Postscript: Knowing how destructive and hurtful affairs are, personally, if I was single, I could never be involved with a married man. It just would not ever be right. There is always the woman who is in the background, the wife, and I just could not ever do that to someone else. Never did when I was single, never will. The idea of hurting someone else just isn’t something I could do.

Are we Raising a New Generation of Cheaters?

Saw an interesting article in USA Today a couple days ago. It was an interview with “Dr. Drew” – the TV self help guru.

He was talking about our tendency to focus on Celebrities as our role models.

Here’s part of the problem; however – many celebrities are internally fueled by their narcissism.. their need for attention, their need for excitement and chaos and their need to have others mirror back to them their greatness and stature.

This seemingly wonderful and exciting external behavior often masks a deep emptiness and barrenness of soul. The celebrity fears the day when s/he will be truly found out. As well, Dr. Drew points out that the “celebrity” often is attempting to cope with a history of profound childhood trauma.

The “Celebrity” often develops a sense of entitlement, as in others or the world “owing” him/her his self pleasure. Others are there to serve him/her.

The “celebrity” status is not confined to “Hollywood Stars.”

I think of the adulation we baseball fans heaped upon Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa in their home run duel, all the time cheating with their drugs.

I think of AIG CEO’s accepting their obscene bonus money probably without a whimper. After all, they are entitled, aren’t they?

I think of pampered athletes demanding new contracts… or they will hold out.

I think of politicians believing they can “get away with” sleeping around, hiring hookers or having an affair.

There is a theme or pattern in all of this: MY personal needs, desires or wants come first. Yes, I’m entitled to that. And, others ought in many ways at least close their eyes and allow me do what I want to do.

We watch this. Our young people watch their “celebrity role models.” And, so we focus externally, looking out there for our excitement, fun and “success.” Those who achieve this “success” become our models.

But we slide on a slippery slope, sliding towards that emptiness and barrenness of soul that “successful ones” desperately try to avoid. We cheat on others (and ultimately ourselves) because we lack the internal compass – the values learned in failure, dedication and discipline and from riding the uneven ground of life’s journey that includes heart break, loss, gain and joy… sprinkled together.

Marital Infidelity: His Lying Habit was Confirmed

Should you confront the other person?

Read on…

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I just needed “to know” – he kept telling me she and her husband were friends from his pool league. She confirmed his story at first but i found a few discrepancies and with further questions realized that he must have been telling her what to say and how to answer. This was done through email – we live in MD and she lives in PA. It all started when he forwarded a “joke” email to me that originally came from “her”. I know his friends and he has no female friends (he swears men & women cant just be “friends” – go figure). So of course I questioned who she was.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I was not mean to her at all. I emailed her just asking how she knew my husband. It took her HOURS to reply. I figured out later that it took so long because she was trying to get a hold of him to see what she should say back to me. Neither are good liars so it was pretty obvious what the true story was. I actually tried to explain (like an idiot) that she wasn’t the first one – and that I’d been through this with him before, so i just wanted to know the truth. I also honestly feel that women should stick together and respect each other. If u get a feeling from someone else’s husband that they are crossing the line or being too flirty – set them straight. IF they are doing these sneaky things with you – its pretty safe to assume u aren’t the only one!! So don’t even play into their game. Tell them to go home to their wife. We had just had a baby also – and my husband is in the Army and had just left for Germany for 2 years when I found all of this out. It was hard – and the outcome…. when I tried to explain to her that i just wanted to know the truth and i had a family to think about…. she told me to NEVER EMAIL HER AGAIN. Still to this day I wish she’d talk to me – but I know she wont and I don’t blame her. Apparently he lied to her about lots of things and had her believing she was “special”…. so …. there wasn’tIn much of an outcome. The whole thing just stinks.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would do it differently – I’d pack his crap up and drop it off on her and her husbands porch. She could then deal with his cheating, overbearing, selfish, lying, self-centered self. Then she’d realize why I just wanted TO KNOW……

Coach’s comments:

It seems as if this relationship was ready to self-destruct. There appeared to be little holding them together. The “offended” woman was keenly aware of his inappropriate behaviors and picked up on them rather quickly.

Perhaps contacting the other person validated what she thought… that her husband could not be trusted and had a propensity for flirting and covering the truth.