Archives for March 2008

Emotional Infidelity: First Signs

I’ve been busy collating from a survey on emotional affairs (Affair #4: “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love”)

I’m doing research on emotional affairs and hundreds of you are helping me.

I asked the questions: “What are the signs? When did you begin to suspect?

Here are some of the answers:

Some of the things I noticed were that he was trying to loose weight and started going out alot more.

my sons told me they’d been e-mailing secretly

My husband told me about it once he saw it was beginning to get out of control, although he didn’t tell me that was happening. He told me he had spoken on the phone with a girl he met on his chat room. He wanted me to know so it would never go too far (it already had, though both he and I did not know it).

Change of character – secretive especially re his computer use, calls from her, started being critical of our relationship.

When he was gone all the time, lying about where he’d been and caught over there, lying as to why he was there

first he accused me of cheating. private name and number on his cell phone and his office phone ( he owns his own business). working long days when his company had down time. said he was going to do an estimate at a house ( he was going to be doing work on) but never did it. I found receipt for a very expensive lunch the same day he was doing the estimate including drinks. my husband does not have drinks for lunch with clients. he refused to spend mothers day, my birthday, his birthday and fathers day with me and our children. he was calling me a lot during the day ( big tip off there, maybe calls once a day) and asking what i was doing, planning to do. the day I cought my husband at his office with the other woman he knew I was on my way to his office…..

She said she wasn’t sure of feelings for me and wanted to stop intimacy of all kinds.

After an overseas business trip. SMS contact in secret

The telephone bill has increased and I saw numerous calls to the same phone number lasting for hours. He stayed in his office longer talking to the girl.

out driving with my work and saw them together in a car when they were suppose to also be at at their own jobs

Bad temper, rudness, no sex, working late, no affection, Always looking for arguments to leave the hourse.He bought need cloths, lost weight, he was a total different person

Noticed at a social gathering that he seemed intriqued with her, then noticed other body language signs. She was engaged and continued two months after she married.

staying out late, sex changed, was not interested only did it for doing sake

sneaky, lying, crying, acting different, trying to start fights with me

Her signs were emotional detachment, suddenly changing her grooming habits, going places and doing things she normally didn’t, and “going shopping” for hours on end and HARDLY EVER coming home with any goods. Also, as I do some of the laundry, I would occasionally find “soiled” panties the morning after her getaways(and we hadn’t had sex the night before).

Distant, Sex was few and far in between and when it was, She wanted to introduce new things which I don’t mind but was unusual for her. She began to change her looks of 8 years( I mean drastically change) Hair cuts and styles/coloring, different styles of clothing. Spemt alot of time shopping for new clothing and who knows what else!

After the first affair with her he came home and told me about it.

calling each other at inappropriate times

Working late. On the internet excessively. Stayng up late to be on the internet. A distant look. Being preoccupied in thoughts, not responding when spoken to. Wanting to ‘go out’ with friends. Takinf cell phones with them at all times.

I noticed when he was gone and would call home, he never called from his room like he used to. He never seemed to excited to be home or talk about the trip or work for that matter.

Where Do You Bump Into Emotional Affairs and What are the Signs?

I’ve been busy collating from a survey on emotional affairs (Affair #4: “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love”) It’s taken a chunk of my time going over the literally hundreds of responses I received. But, that is great!

Where do Emotional Affairs typically begin?

Surprise, surprise. The work place comes out as number one, by a large margin.

I thought there was a fairly large group who connected with that old flame. And, that can be powerful – lot of unfinished adolescent business.

Check this out:

Where Emotional Affairs Begin
Place/With Whom
Percentage of total Emotional Affairs (Research by Dr. Huizenga)
In the workplace: co-worker, subordinate, boss 45.2%
Frequented place: bar, restaurant, coffee shop, store, etc. 12.3%
Common activity: Gym (workout), school, social or organizational activities, Classes, Sports, volunteer work 12.3%
Old friend, classmate, old flame 9.5%
Business travel, conferences, events 8.3%
Internet, chat rooms 7.5%
Introduced by a mutual friend 6.7%
Neighbor 2.0%
Introduced by relative 1.6%

Helper relationship (rescue the damsel, out on his luck man)


Infidelity: 3 Key Points in the Emotional Affair

Ah, the word “love.” What a loaded word.

Have you noticed how frequently and almost reverently the word “love” is thrown around when a couple bumps into their extramarital affair?

The wayward spouse often states, “I fell out of love. I no longer feel for you what I think I should feel. You are more like a friend than a wife/husband. I love you but am not ‘in love’ with you.”

The offended spouse often hangs on to the marriage with the proclamation that, even though his/her partner has forsaken him/her for someone else, s/he (the offended spouse) still very much “loves” his/her spouse and wants him/her back.

There is one kind of affair (I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love) where the perceived FEELING of being “in love” is paramount. This feeling means everything.

Typically the husband or wife describes “falling out of love” and is anxious about this development.

The “loving” or “romantic” feelings once passionately lived, for unknown reasons vanished or were transformed in the marriage.

S/he (please know that men also struggle with this issue!) wants to “recapture” those feelings. It is thought that those “in love/romantic feelings” comprise the essence of a marital or highly invested relationship and if absent indicate a dysfunctional marriage or a marriage doomed to the boredom heap for the rest of one’s life.

The infidelity often is initiated when someone comes along who triggers the latent personal need to feel that “in love” feeling.S/he is insistent and tenacious in attaining and maintaining this ideal (or intensely “loving” relationship.

Before we strategize on how to intervene in the emotional affair, I have three points about this “love” phenomenon I want you to consider:

1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches that “being in love” is how it’s supposed to be.

“Falling in love” is the norm – the implication being, that if “love” doesn’t happen, or if “love” goes away, something is wrong – with you, your spouse or the marriage.

The odds are stacked against any couple attempting to navigate a marriage when bombarded by movies, TV, novels, advertising and grocery check out magazines that point to the power (gosh, don’t you envy some of those hip couples?) of finding and losing “love.”

To create a lasting, intimate and wonderfully joyful marriage in our Western Culture we first must unlearn a great deal.

2. S/he desperately searching for “that loving feeling” (remember the Righteous Brothers)…typically is conflicted with a signficant dose of guilt.

Unlike some of the other 7 kinds of affairs I describe in “Break Free From the Affair,’ “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love” is marked, for the most part, by the absence of anger.

He/she is often married to a “good” person and the desire to “find that loving feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is).

A little voice within (an s/he is typically aware of this quiet but persistent voice) whispers consistently that s/he is moving down a perilous path.

3. Someone with a personal need for that “loving feeling” often has a personal need for thrills and stimulation.

The aura around relationships casts a shadow of being a soap opera. The intrigue of 2 meeting secretly to the exclsion of another is the norm.

that feeling of being in “love” is tied closely to the personal need for excitement and plotting. The secret and clandestine nature of extramarital affairs lends itself nicely to seemingly meet these two powerful needs of feeling ‘in love’ and living an exciting life.

The razzle dazzle and drama of pursuing the “feeling in love” relationship takes center stage rather than a life lived with a certain knowledge of who one is.

If emotional infidelity of this form confronts you, please know you are in for the ride of your life. The power of your negative thoughts and feelings will will demand that you respond with fortitude and courage.