Archives for May 2010

Infidelity Q&A #16: What Is My Strategy?

After you calm and center yourself it’s time to explore the different types of

Knowing the types of affairs enable you to become familiar with the dynamics of the
relationship with your cheating husband or your cheating wife.

Different strategies exist for a particular kind of affair.

You may be looking at more than one type of affair, but choose the affair that seems
most fitting for your particular relationship.

Choose a strategy and begin experimenting.

Take small steps. Don’t throw out everything at once, but take very small steps and
wait for the response.

When you get feedback, take another step.

For example, let’s look at the affair, “I Want to Get Back at Him or Her.”

This affair usually exhibits a simmering resentment and anger that sometimes moves
to rage.

In that type of affair an often effective strategy is to make his or her anger right.

Now it may seem rather weird to make his or her resentment or anger right, but that
strategy is important for that type of affair.

The strategy helps him or her move through the resentment and/or rage and influences
the direction of the adultery or the affair.

Let’s look at “My Marriage Made Me Do It.”

In “My Marriage Made Me Do It” there’s also anger, but it’s a different type of anger.

Backing off is a recommended strategy.

In backing off you refuse to become the victim. You refuse to be the recipient of
his or her blame.

And then you make comments — or meta comments as I call them — about the situation
or about the relationship.

Break Free From the Affair gives examples of meta comments you can use. You can
modify the statements to fit your style or create you own.

Let’s look at another kind of affair, “I Want To Be Close To Someone, But Can’t
Stand Intimacy.”

In a stagnant marriage or relationship, the cheating partner will triangle in a
third party to balance the issue of distance and intimacy.

I recommend a strategy in this particular kind of affair is called “Leaping Your
Partner,” in which you break through the stagnation and the impasse between this
distance and intimacy wall by personally and professionally taking your own leap of

This often is highly disturbing to the cheating spouse and disturbs the relationship
and offers hope for reconciliation and growth.

The key is experimentation. Choose and experiment with different kinds of strategies
related to the kind of affair that faces you.

Infidelity Q&A #15: What Do I Think About in My Worst Moments?

Now that question may seem rather strange, because most of us don’t want to go there.

We don’t want to go there because it probably is exceedingly painful, and what we
try to do is we try to get rid of this pain or we try to alleviate this pain.

We may medicate ourselves because we don’t want to feel the pain. We may drink
ourselves into oblivion because we don’t want to feel the pain. We may shop till we
drop because we don’t want to feel the pain. We may try to escape to some island
because we don’t want to feel the pain. We will try to go somewhere so that we don’t
feel the pain.

It is very common to try to not feel the pain, not to think about our worst moments.

But I want you to think about your worst moment, and here’s why.

What is pain? Pain is a belief that I want something, and I’m not getting it. I
want something that’s extremely important for me, and it’s not happening.

Now let’s relate this to infidelity.

Infidelity may trigger thoughts like… I’ve always dreamt of having a family — of
having a loving, warm, beautiful family — and it’s in jeopardy right now. That’s
what I think about in one of my worst moments.

Or pain may mean I always thought that I was going to live with someone forever and
that we would have a happy life. I never dreamt, never thought that I would never
get divorced, and now it’s a possibility.

Pain may mean I’ve always wanted others to be proud of me, to be successful, and now
with this I feel like a failure. I feel extremely sad that I’ve failed.

Or it may mean that I have always put hope on being a sexually desirable person. I
wanted to be wanted, and now I’m cast aside. And, I’m sexually replaced by someone

So this is your pain. This may be part of your pain.

Enter into this pain. Face it.

And you ask yourself, “When I feel this pain in my worst moments, what are the
thoughts? What is it that’s really, really important to me?”

Your pain will lead you to that place in which you discover what is vitally
important for you.

So follow your pain, and your pain will lead you to your dreams, your hopes, and
your aspirations.

And if you have a difficult time facing the pain, ask yourself, “What does this
mean that I feel this pain? What does it mean that I’m thinking this?

Continue to ask yourself that question.

I’m in my pain. I must want something. What does it mean to me that I’m here? I use
this statement with people sometimes who are in pain. I say, “Gold is refined
through intense heat.”

Infidelity Q&A #14: What Gets Triggered in Me?

You may react strongly, powerful emotions may be triggered in you, when your
cheating spouse says or does something.

You are angered. You defend yourself. You explain. You give reasons. You defy. You
may shout, you may yell, you may scream. Or you may clam up, you may withdraw, you
may freeze, you may withhold.

You may get depressed, you may move away, you may begin to think, “Poor me.” You may
begin to feel as if you are a victim.

All of these are reactive modes – reacting to what he or she is saying or doing.

Reactivity gets you nowhere.

It perpetuates cycles. Do you ever feel like you’re going in circles? That you can
almost predict what he or she is going to say and you can predict how you’re going
to respond, and you know how he or she is going to respond to your response, and so
on and so forth? You know that cycle?

You find yourself being an unattractive person when you get in this consistent
reactive mode.

What I want for you is I want for you to act, and I want you to act with your power.
I want you to act with your words, with what’s valuable and important for you. I
want you to act, rather than react.

And you say, “OK, yeah, sure.” Easier said than done, isn’t it?

But here’s the beginning point, OK?

When he or she says something that tends to elicit a powerful response within you,
ask yourself, “What does this trigger in me?”

Instead of reacting, ask yourself, “What does this trigger in me? Where in my body
do I feel this trigger?”

Feelings are basically physiological, and when we begin reacting, we feel it in our

Shift the focal point from your reactivity to, “Where do I feel this uneasiness?
Where do I feel this in my body, in my head? My chest? My stomach? Where do I feel
it, and what does it feel like?”

Then rate it on a scale of one to ten, “OK this is a ten. This is as bad as it can
get,” or, “This is nine, it’s been worse,” or, “This is eight; it’s getting a little
bit better.”

Rate it on a scale of one to ten, and then be aware of the negative thoughts that
flow through your mind when you feel this awful feeling in your body .

Be aware of what you’re thinking. Be aware of the negative thoughts.

Now this may sound kind of weird or kind of simple, but it’s very, very powerful.
And it’s the beginning step, a basic beginning step for you to move from reactivity
to your own power.

And when you have your power, good things are going to happen.