Healing After Divorce: Taking Care of Your Whole Self

Healing after divorce is a difficult process, one that needs focus and attention for it to really work. So what exactly are the things that you need to focus on and pay attention to?

People who go through difficult experiences think that to get through a difficult or trying crisis, you need to focus on healing your soul or emotional self, that you need to find a way to get over feeling all the things you are feeling. And when you do, that would be the end of that. But most tend to forget that it isn’t just your emotions that need attention, especially when it comes to healing after divorce. Your physical life and your physical body need it, too.

Your body does not just function as a unit that will represent you in the world. It is what holds all of who you are – your feelings, thoughts, habits, mannerisms, and everything else – together, and it is the one thing that knows who you are truly and completely.

It’s the reason you can feel joy and happiness, the reason you can enjoy a good moment in life and celebrate it. And it is also what makes you feel pain and suffering in situations that aren’t good, and allows you to grieve any kind of loss like if you are healing after divorce, be it physically or emotionally.

One of the most common and simple losses we suffer through these days is a break up with someone we’re in a relationship with or a divorce. Going through crises like these affects us both physically and emotionally, and it is only right that when we are healing after divorce, that we do so in both aspects.

There’s no question about how healing after divorce hurts us on the inside. Everyone knows how painful it can be to end a relationship with someone we spent so much time with and with whom we made future plans with. But then most of us have a tendency to ignore our concrete, physical world when this happens. We forget to eat properly or get some exercise done, we forget to make an effort with how we look or dress, we neglect our work and become unproductive, and sometimes we forget our other relationships – with our friends and family and children.

So if you are one of the many people who are healing after divorce, keep in mind that there are two sides that need to healed: your inner and outer lives. Understand the things you are feelings, where they are coming from and why, and figure out a way that will allow you to get over them. But remember to never neglect your outer world or your outer life when healing after divorce, especially your relationships with other people.

A Common Problem when Healing the Marriage

Couples who are trying to heal the marriage after an affair usually have so much problems and issues that they have to face.

There’s the affair itself, the trust and betrayal issues that come with the affair, and so many others.

One of the issues that couples have to address during this healing process is how their actions and words generate negativity within each other. This actually happens more than people think.

Most of the time, you may not see anything offending or bad about the things you say or do. But what you don’t know is that they may actually be affecting your husband or wife in a negative way. Your spouse could be insulted or hurt by something that will keep you from healing the marriage, and you may not even understand why that is so.

Here is an example:

During your affair, you made it a habit to your husband a present of some sort after every meeting you have with the other person, such as flowers or a new tie for example. Whether it is done consciously or unconsciously, this has become your practice. After your spouse discovers your affair, he or she realizes what those presents mean – a kind of guilty present for your affair. Your husband or wife will relate those presents with the betrayal of your affair from then on. So, even after you end your affair and begin to heal the marriage, whenever you give your husband or wife presents, he or she will look at a bouquet of flowers or a bottle of his favorite in a negative light.

That present, which is now a sign of your love and devotion to your spouse that you hope will help in healing the marriage, becomes a reminder of the pain and betrayal that he or she felt caused by your affair because he or she still sees it as the sign of guilt that it used to be.

What your spouse needs to do is to try to stop associating your giving of presents as a sign of guilt and accept them for what they are – as apologies. He or she needs to heal this part of him or her, and see how it is affecting your current relationship. Letting go of those feelings of betrayal, focusing on what you are trying to have now and accepting those presents will help more effectively in healing the marriage.

Of course, just forgetting about your affair won’t be easy at all for your husband or wife. What you can do, on your part, is to be a little more sensitive with regards to giving your spouse presents. If you know that he or she won’t have the response that you hope for, try to find other ways that you can express your love for him or her. Don’t force this kind of practice in your relationship because you know that it will only cause more harm than good. This way, you are helping each other heal the marriage.

Trust Building: Focusing on Your Needs and Not Your Partner’s

Trust building  in relationships is very tricky to do especially when something wrong has been done in the relationship by either of the partners. When this happens,  what do you do to earn trust back and make it stronger than before?

Do not be afraid to let your needs be known. This is especially true in situations where one person in the relationship feels the other backing or pulling away from him. Most of the  time, in cases like this, the person who doesn’t feel like his partner is paying attention to him or the marriage goes on an all out crusade to win his partner back.

He does everything he can, everything he thinks his partner wants from him, providing her every need, all in the hopes that she will come back to him. But what usually happens is that she starts to feel smothered by all the attention, or even resentful that he is only doing this now that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with him, and his efforts to try to win her back backfires. It doesn’t work. Because his motive, whether consciously done or not, of meeting her every need in the hopes that she will return the favor and meet his, doesn’t work. At the end of the day, this kind of tactic is still manipulation. And manipulation is not how you go about in trust building.

The thing is, she avoids or prevents herself from confronting him about this because he is being so nice and caring. And all this avoiding and pretending destroys the trust in the relationship.

So rather than focusing all the attention on your partner, focus on you instead and assess what your needs are that you want your partner to meet. This is one of the ways you can start re-developing the trust you lost in your marriage. Let your needs be known clearly and directly, but always be open to hear out your partner’s needs as well. Be self-centered, but not selfish.