Archives for November 2008

9 Signs of Infidelity and an Extramarital Affair

I asked my readers when they first began to suspect infidelity or an extramarital affair. Here are 9 responses to first discerning the signs of infidelity:

1. Said she loved me but was not in love with me!

2. I first noticed signs when my oldest child, a son was about to graduate from high school. He became more aloof towards me, began losing weight, wearing cologne to work, passwording his e-mail and telephone, etc…classic symptoms that I tried to pass off as empty nest signs.

3. The 60 minute appointment (masseuse) once a week became twice weekly ritual. Phone records showed he was calling her obsessively. Caller ID showed me she was calling him but she’d hang up when I answered. Friends reported him helping her at her shop (hanging pictures, assembling furniture)…trust me, he isn’t handy at home

4. Aloofness when at home. Distant. Stopped having sex with me. Lying about where he was or was going or just leaving without saying anything.

5. He became cold, hostile, argumentative, picked fights,was on his computer late at night, accused me of spying on him. Annoyed if I tried to have a conversation. Told me not to ask him any questions. Just before I found out, he said he didn’t want sex anymore unless I would do certain things he wanted that he knew I found offensive.

6. his appearance and staying late at work

7. regular going out, irritability

8. He was still coming home from work (he owns the business) at his “normal” time – always “works” late – but smelled of booze- was sometimes to the point of being glassy eyed and wobbly – had a smug look on his face – like he was proud of himself for blatantly disrespecting my wishes – I had agreed to marry him only after several years of him not drinking (he frequently drank to excess when we were first dating). I looked in his day timer and found notes that he was keeping about how he went back to the bar every day for several days – just in case she was working – and then about his daily meetings with this waitress.

9. 3 months after it started. Talking on the phone alot (CELL). Then caught in the motel by her husband.

Confronting the other Woman: Revenge affair

Another case study: Confronting the other woman when facing a Revenge affair.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

The OP had no idea my husband was married. He had told her he was divorced. He travels and she was living in the state he was working in during those months. My motivation was to verify if he had told me the truth about her and their relationship…he hadn’t, he had left out alot and tried to smooth over the details so I wouldn’t know just how involved they were and how much he had betrayed me. His was a revenge affair against me.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She was apologetic because she didn’t know, and felt horrible for hurting me unknowingly. And had alot of anger towards him as well. She assured me that if he contacted her in any way she would let me know. She also brought to light some of his lies he kept telling me for the next year AFTER the affair. She contacts me every once and awhile to see how I’m doing and vice versa. We formed an awkward friendship of sorts, trying to repair ourselves. Neither one of us hates the other in any way, and have leaned on each other for emotional support occasionally. She supported me when I decided to stay with my husband and work things out. It’s been a long road.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No I would not do it differently. Especially since he was lying to both of us, I felt responsible to clear the air as to my status with him (yes we were married, i was 9 months pregnant when i found out.) I learned that when the cheating spouse is found out, they want the discovery anger to be brief and the recovery to be quick. And they will deny details to ensure that happens (i.e. i only saw her once a week , when really, he saw her every night, etc.) I learned that I can be the bigger person, and even through the hurt I could forgive the OP in this situation and see the situation for what it was.

Coach’s Comments:

Let’s assume that her assessment is correct; that it is a revenge affair. (Affair type #5 in my E-book, Break Free From the Affair.)

If facing this type of affair, one is confronted with slippery slopes. By that I mean, it’s often very difficult to nail down exactly what is happening. It’s difficult to get a straight answer. One often wonders what the spouse is thinking. And, one picks up on this undercurrent of hostility that says, “leave me alone.”

Some refer to this as “passive aggressive” behavior. The husband was exhibiting the same behavior with the other person – withholding, passively controlling and in essence, limiting intimacy.

Confronting the other person brought clarity and the truth. When the husband was confronted with the truth the gig was up.

Please know that this revenge affair did not slide into a rage affair. Perhaps, over time, if the wife continues confronting the underlying resentment more intimacy might emerge in the marriage.

Infidelity, Fear and Thanksgiving

It’s Thanksgiving time in the USA.

Time to eat, be with family, eat, be with family and give thanks.

Maybe this is a sad time for you.

Maybe it’s a confusing time for you.

It’s probably a painful time for you.

And, where does the pain come from?

Most of the time, it’s my experience in working with thousands over the past two plus decades, that fear resides under your pain.

You are afraid of losing; of losing your family, losing your home, losing your spouse, losing your pride, losing your dignity, losing your respect, losing what you have worked so hard for, losing your dreams, losing your hopes, losing your health, losing sleep, losing your job, losing to another person….

The list could go on. You perhaps can fill in more of the blanks.

And, if you’ve been through infidelity you know that the list of fears is long… very long. It seems as if EVERYTHING is at stake with infidelity. You feel like you stand on the edge of losing it all.

How do you get through this? How do others get through this? (And yes, they do… all the time. They emerge on the other side better, brighter, richer, more peaceful, more confident, more able to handle life.)

How are you able to use the mantra “This too Shall Pass” so that it sticks in your soul and gives hope?

What gets you there? Where do you start?

Can you give thanks on this day?

Please know this: Underneath all the fears, all the pain, all the confusion all the garbage you wade through at this moment is YOU.

Yes, YOU are there. YOU, with your beauty, (although you may not think it.) YOU with your strength (some days you wonder.) You with your power to love and give (maybe not feeling like that now.) YOU with your capacity to dream (although is seems the dream fades.) YOU with your warmth to touch others (although you may not feel like touching.)

Yes, there is YOU. And no one can EVER take that YOU away. That YOU will NEVER be lost!

Do you know that YOU now? Can you welcome beneath your anguish and fear that YOU? Can you reach out and welcome that YOU that resides at the core of your being? Can you feel that power of that YOU? Yes, feel it now! Can you sense the overwhelming capacity of that YOU to love? Can you feel the peace of that YOU? Can that YOU express to you his/her fearlessness? His/her power? His/her everlastingness?

I want that for you! I want that for me! I want everyone who reads my material, who talks to me, who intersects my life to feel IT, to know IT, to embrace IT.

Can you know YOU this day? Can you give thanks for YOU today?

Have no fear, you are on the way. Infidelity and the challenges of life awaken the YOU in you and you come to know how badly you want YOU.

Thanksgiving peace!