Infidelity in Marriages: Getting Out of Being Stuck in the Middle

The 7th type of affair from the e-book Break Free from the Affair focuses a lot on the confusion that your partner brings into the situation.

“I want to be close to Someone (which means I can’t stand intimacy)” usually is marked by the confusion that results from your partner’s lack of certainty about what he wants to do, or which relationship he wants to pursue. This usually leaves both you and the other person stuck until your partner makes a decision, which is probably not going to happen any time soon, if it ever happens at all.

Your partner is confused because he doesn’t want to have the stability and comfort he gets from your marriage, but on the other hand, he wants to explore the other relationship as well because it gives him a kind of freedom that he doesn’t get from you. or maybe he doesn’t want to let go of the marriage because he sees it as a real and significant part of his life, but sees the other relationship to have the potential to be that as well.

Just like you and other person, your partner is stuck and doesn’t know which direction to take, so he ends up not moving at all. So rather than make an effort to think of He chooses to not choose between you and the other person because it is easier for him to do so.

It is important that you avoid getting stuck with your partner, or in case you already are, to get out of being stuck. The best way to do this is by identifying the things you want for you, apart from your partner and what he wants, and try to pick it apart and be specific about why you want these things. By doing so, you will learn a lot more about yourself and where you see yourself going in the future.

Marital Infidelity: Confronting the other woman

This blog continues my series on confronting the other woman (or man.)

In confronting the other woman you may discover a reservoir of strength you never thought you had.

Case Study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

She was a family friend and his co-worker so I wanted to face her to make sure I got the point across that she needed to stop contacting him. He had told her several times to quit contacting him and she just kept it up. Told him if it happened again his butt was out the door and he would have no second chance.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She tried to give me excuses of why it happened but I knew she was lying. Then, she apologized, told me it was over and left. I told her to stay away from my husband and my family and if she EVER tried to contact him again I would make her life hell because she swore she told her husband about the affair and I never believed her. She has never contacted him again.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Yes I would but not differently. I learned that you cannot trust people who are getting buddy buddy with your husband and buying your children gifts. I also learned that I am ALOT stronger than I ever thought I was. It wasn’t me, it was him.

Coach’s Comments:

Fortunately, for this spouse of a cheating husband, her husband was on her side in ending the affair. I would guess that the man enjoyed the strength and aggressiveness of his wife. (Do you suppose he enjoyed, originally, the aggressiveness of the other woman? Maybe we have an interesting pattern here, that he might want to address! And, this could become interesting fodder for the rebuilding of their marriage.)

Looking back the wife was also aware of her intuition telling her that something was amiss with the behavior of the other woman. Pay attention to those inner inklings. It’s not that we enter into relationships highly suspicious, but when the inner signals come, they are usually on target.

You might want to read my blog on why good people have an extramarital affair.

The Marital Affair and Your Rage

What do you do with your anger/rage?

Do you feel it? Do you think it? Do you plot devious scenarios in your mind to “get even?”

Do you express it? Do you keep it buried deep within? Does it come out around the edges – short with children, loved ones, kick the dog, etc?

Are you fearful of expressing directly to your cheating husband or wife the intensity of your anger/rage? …Fearful that your anger/rage will only inflame the situation or drive him/her to the other person and away from you?

Does your anger/rage wear away at you, internally? Do you suffer physical symptoms of this internal churning? Have you noticed the tightness in your muscles, in your body? Do you feel the knot in your stomach? Do you experience other physical discomfort as if your body is crying out to you for some sort of relief?

What to do with the rage, the anger???

Well, watch this video and leave your comments. Do you approve of this means? Do you find it humorous? Do you find it cathartic? Do you wish it is something you could do? Do you think it’s harmful? or helpful? Have you done it? If so, what has happened.

I’m not suggesting you do this. However, watching it might enable you to touch that anger in you and decide how best to cope with it.

Or…. you might just get a good laugh out of it…