Archives for October 2008

Infidelity Resources for the Abusive Relationship

Abusive relationships are dangerous. Infidelity often exacerbates that danger. It adds another explosive element.

Here’s the question I posed for my readers and some responses:

1. What online or offline resources have you found helpful in dealing with abuse, criticism and blame from a cheating spouse and… how did you find them helpful?

I have a wonderful counselor who has helped me with the verbal abuse that my husband dishes out to me. She will tell me what to say then I put it into practice. I’m thankful for this email as well. The other source is listening to Joyce Myer every day and relying on God in lots of way. But I do stress be careful when in any of these situations.

Patricia Evans book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship.” Finding this resources was the triggering event for confronting my ex-husband’s behaviors and learning to disengage. Ironically, the first person with whom I shared what was really going on my my relationship, my then closest friend who is a physician’s assistant, dismissed my concerns telling me everyone had these issues. Luckily I continued to pursue information and actually had two email exchanges with Patricia Evans.

Susan Forward’s books, specifically, “When Your Lover is a Liar. Dr. Oakley and her book, “Evil Genes.” She and I have been communication.

Dr. Huizenga’s site.

The book, “The Sociopath Next Door.” My surgeon who performed my reconstruction following breast cancer. She is THE BEST physician I’ve ever known both in her incredible talent as a surgeon and her ability to empathize and demonstrate true compassion for others. She got me the medical attention I needed as I had gone from 150# to 114# and am 5’10”. My local docs did nothing so she referred me, the same day I saw her, to her personal physician. This physician was also thorough, compassionate and empathetic and prescribed me meds to help reduce my anxiety and depression.

The Psalms and daily meditations using books from the Center for Non Violent Communication.

Articles and books both on and off-line regarding sociopaths and sex addiction. Two authors in particular, Dr. Hare and Dr. Patrick Carnes.

My therapist and a few close friends. Luckily my dad, who is 87, was still here for me as the majority of my family and friends either didn’t believe me or did not want to hear about my situation.

Coping with Divorce seminar.

I wish there was a program for spouses of cheaters who exhibit either sociopathic or narcissistic PD. I think it is far more difficult to accept the end of a marriage when you finally realize you have been conned for 20+ years and your spouse just disappears.

Infidelity Issues Stirred by the Extramarital Affair

Consistent themes emerge as you struggle to cope with and survive infidelity.

One theme is: Why didn’t I see it coming? I Must be blind. This reader hints at that struggle:

1. I am struggling with the feelings of being a “doormat”…kicking myself for being so naive.
2. At the same time, I see myself as a morally good person.
3. I know that he is also “hurting”…..I believe that I am a better listener and care that what I say isn’t just chatter.
4. I believe that I am a stronger person. I am impressed with the effort that I have made towards healing our marriage. (I am also impressed with my husband’s untiring efforts). I am working on my self-esteem, but believe that I will survive this and become stronger.

And the most basic issue: I can’t trust. I can’t forget the lies. Another reader expresses:

After dealing with the sex issue, the impact left are the lies he told and continues to hold onto regarding the meaning of the relationship, which went on for a number of years. I feel manipulated. I don’t trust him not to lie to me or omit things. can’t stop thinking about the lies he told and whether or not I am justified because I need the truth.

I have no trust left in me for anyone. I am becoming bitter and absorbed with anger, feeling less attractive and worthy.

Infidelity: Clarity and Words

Infidelity: Getting clarity and Words

What is most helpful in moving through the pain and infidelity.

Two words come to mind: clarity and Words.

Once one begins to see the patterns and begins to make distinctions between different actions of self, spouse and the other person, the fog clears.

Also finding the powerful, on-target and relevant words to express at the right time is terribly empowering.

Listen to what some of my coaching clients say as they move through the agony of infidelity”

>>>>>The (coaching) session was helpful in that it did help me understand what I really want and need to say to my wife now. You also helped me accept that it is okay to shed my feelings of guilt for causing the affair. Thank you.

>>>>>Dr H is very able to quickly asses the situation and sum it up for you in clear language. I am sometimes mired in my situation and unable to see above or beyond my circumstances. His analysis helped me. He has enough experience with this topic to have developed a whole library of phrases that allow me to communicate to my partner concisely what I mean without threats or anger.

>>>>>Wonderful validation. Pointed out questions I could be asking at this point in our moving on process.

More more info on infidelity coaching is available if you are interested.