Archives for November 2009

Just Leave the Bum

I came across again today a person struggling with whether to stay or go.

The affair had been going on (and off… and on) for a long time. Friends and family gave the advice: leave!

But, there is an investment. He’s a good father, good provider and an emotional attachment forged over the years.

But one tires and gets weary of the elephant in the room. Eventually, some day that weariness, that tension emerges with more power and it seems as if a decision is looming. More chips are thrown on the table.

Is this bad? Is this good? I prefer not to sit in judgment. It just is. And it IS common. People who care, people who are determined, people who become attached to relationships find it most difficult to make this life altering decision of whether to stay or go.

Tiger Woods Involved in Infidelity and Affair? Probably

I don’t intend to bash Tiger Woods. If, indeed it is true that he is “involved” with Rachel Uchitel, I can understand.

There is a pattern I’ve observed over and over again in my past 25 years as a therapist. Highly successful people, their family and friends call them “good” people, eventually must deal with the ugly side of their personal need for extreme achievement.

Remember Tiger on the Johnny Carson Show, without blinking his 4 year old eyes, “I’m going to be the best golfer in the world!” Everyone believed him.

From that point on Tiger filled more than one room with trophies.

And, he collected all those trophies because golf was his life. His practice routines from an early age are well documented.

Where was he in 9th grade? On the golf course, practicing and bringing home trophies. His focus was the golf ball and his ability to control the flight of that ball as well as his mental focus.

I bring up 9th grade because it is crucial time in psychosexual development. We “fall in love,” get dumped, “fall in love” again at a frightening pace.

We learn to differentiate between caring for someone and lust, between the mating urge and need for control of our impulses, between being genuine with someone or manipulating to get what we want and how to accept someone “loving us” and how to cope with someone saying no. For most it’s a time to experience embarrassment, the intensity of feelings, and for some to “sow their oats.”

If we don’t “get it right” in 9th grade, it will emerge again.

I believe high achievers often miss out on this important segment of their lives, since the ultimate achievement goal takes precedence. Their inner life and the richness experienced in relationships becomes dormant.

Instead of “letting go” every so often, the high achiever overdevelops strict control that serves his/her personal need to achieve.

Tiger has certainly attempted to control his life. His mental control on the golf course in unparalleled. He won a major by playing through the pain of a broken leg.

We know very little about Tiger. His personal life is hidden – under his control. And, he lives behind a walled fortress in Florida.

That ability to control and set boundaries, at some point for the high achiever, falls apart.

And, what we see then is a polarity response… behavior we never thought that person capable.

Family, friends, the media exclaim, “No way, that’s not like him/her! Never saw it coming!”

Just yesterday I coached a wife whose very successful business person, upstanding community leader – husband became entangled in a 13 month steamy affair with what I remember some calling a “barfly.” His life was tumbling down the tubes.

The effort it takes to control and focus on the external goal often meets an end, and sometimes, it’s not pretty.

I did research this morning and discovered that Rachel Uchitel some would describe as a “loose canon.”

She is bragging to others about her and Tiger’s explicit text messages (in 9th grade we used to secretly slip each other notes with drawn hearts and xoxoxs.) She’s been rumored to be with a number of men and has a pattern of seducing celebrities on a pretty regular basis.

I don’t think this is someone Tiger would bring home to mother.

But, she might fit nicely into Tiger’s need to “let loose?”

Just perhaps this is “unfinished business” for Tiger that he missed in 9th grade?

I’m not saying that Tiger IS having an affair with this woman. I’m saying it is possible – and why it is possible, not only for Tiger but for countless others in our culture attempting to meet their personal achievement needs.

But, more than that, I want you to understand the journey of life that we all must traverse, that brings us opportunities to grow, mature and evolve intrapersonally and in our relationships.

Sometimes we hit it well. Sometimes we triple bogey.

Learn the Best Way to Search Marriage Records

Do you want to learn more about the marital status of someone? With just a few moments work you can search marriage records online and find out everything you need to know. This is what you need to know about the situation.

If you need to check marriage license records, you’re not alone. These essential public records are frequently needed for everything from preparing a family tree, to confirming someone’s status in inheritance disputes, to being a required document in divorce proceedings. These days, with divorce and remarriage so common. more and more people are requesting these documents to check the marital status of a potential partner

Not so long ago, it was a major project to search marriage records. It required digging through paper files in musty courthouse basements and the like. Just being able to find your way through the various files required skill and experience that most of us simply don’t have. Consequently, searches were infrequent and they were expensive.

Today, marriage license records are available online. Each state has a web site that provides information about marriages within its boundaries. So if you know where a person was married, with a little work you can find the information you need.

But what if you don’t know where a person was married, how many times they’ve been married, or even if they’re still married? How can you be sure you’ve got all the information you need without putting in the time and effort to trace through all the records out there? If you really want to be sure that you have the most current and most complete information, you should use a commercial site to search marriage records.

Commercial sites search all the public record databases and other resources to gather all the marriage records available, regardless of location. They make all the information available through an easy to use web site. While they will charge you a small fee for the information they provide, these sites are fast, efficient, and are far more likely to gather all the information than you would be if you searched for it yourself.

Are you ready to search public record databases for marriage records? It’s easy and takes only minutes to get your results. For more information, go to