The Third Person: Just How Special Is He/She?

It’s easy to see why most victims of infidelity point a lot of the blame and anger on the third person – most people would react his way. And while it’s easier to believe that the affair is all the third person’s fault, what you have to realize is that if it didn’t happen with that specific person, then it probably would have happened with someone else.

Most people believe that the other person is someone who is so special, someone who is way better than them, or someone is more beautiful in every way. But if the affair could have happened with anyone, does that still make the other person that special?

The appeal of extramarital affairs does not really depend on the specific person but on the role that person plays which is, in most cases, that of a lover. People who engage in extramarital affairs are drawn into the relationship because it gives them a chance to be the person they want to be, and not necessarily who they are. It becomes a channel for them to live a fantasy life where they have no responsibilities, no priorities other than themselves, and no obligations to anyone else.

Understanding that your partner did not engage in an affair because of a specific person will make it easier for you to get past his actions, and move on to deal with the reasons behind his actions.

Infidelity, Confrontation and Nonreactivity

What happens when you confront the other person?

How can you use it to your advantage.

In response to my survey:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I just wanted to know if my husband was telling the truth so I called her. Asked her if they are still seeing each other. Until now,I don’t think hubby knows that I called her.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Luckily,I had already read Dr. Huizenga’s Break-Free-From-The-Affair so I was charging neutral and it was a success.She confirmed what hubby said that he already ended it.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I learned and applied what I read from the e-book so I don’t think I’ll do it in any other way.

Coach’s comments:

Yes, charging neutral can be a powerful tool in maintaining one’s personal power in a confrontation.

Charging neutral is basically a refusal to react, internally and externally to the other person or your circumstances. You don’t flinch. You don’t react. You don’t give away your power. No one ruffles your feathers.

Easier said than done. But, when used, it often gets you exactly what you desire.

Infidelity, Curiosity and Protecting Your Spouse

Should you confront the other person? This scenario describes the husband attempting to protect his wife. What do you think? Leave a comment.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I thought they were just phoning each other but I wanted to know the inside story so I called him.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

He told me ” I did your wife.” He tried to create that wedge between us. It did not work. I knew it was he who sought after her due to the numerous incoming calls and the fact she called me several times afterwards due to guilt. Our relationship is stronger now. I am going to stop working away from home and stay home to watch for these predators. He wanted to move in and take over my home.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Yes. I would stay home and work in our area and pay more attention to her activities and callers. She was just curious and found out there are vast numbers of cheaters out their who prey on lonely women.

Coach’s Comments:

1. I wonder from where the curiosity emerged. What was behind that? My experience tells me that many who had little sexual experience before marriage at some point experience that curiosity. (I’m not condoning sexual experimentation before marriage!) That curiosity is fairly normal. However, it is one thing to have it and another to act on it.

2. His act of calling the OP seems to be an act of protection. He seemed to know that she was vulnerable and limited in her capacity to set boundaries. Does she somehow lack the internal mechanisms to set boundaries or is there a naivety regarding relationships, especially those with the opposite sex?

3. He seems to assume his role as protector and she also likes him protecting her. This balance and agreement in the relationship might work fairly well. However, it will be tested frequently. If the two of them have a conscious awareness of their roles, they could ward off future problems.