My husband admitted to the affair, but yet he still continues to contact this person and has asked me to be patient. He said he will need to get her “out of his system” and to give him some time. How do you handle that?
My Response:
Ending the relationship with the OP is often a gradual process.
For example, in the 7th kind of affair I describe (I want to be close to someone…which means I can’t stand intimacy), ending the affair often takes time. Yes! No! On again! Off again is the scenario.
Affairs also lolly gag for those who are “in love”…and just love being “in love” or My Marriage Made me Do it.
So, in particular kinds of affairs, expect a roller coaster ride. You don’t have to like it. But be prepared. Breaking off an affair relationship, as in no more contact, may take weeks.
So, let’s assume this is your case. Here are a few things to do:
1. You are entitled to set some limits. Keep clarifying the limits, but don’t make them ultimatums. You don’t want to paint yourself into a corner, especially with this kind of affair. Experiment with phrases such as: “This is extremely difficult for me. I refuse to share you with another person. And, I know it is difficult for you. But, at some point I will draw a line in the sand.”
2. “Get at” the specific issues. Ask, “What does it mean to “get it out of your system?” What are a couple or three things you need to “get it out of your system?” (If he/she is open to this exploration, the prognosis is good.)
3. If he/she is reluctant to go there, throw out suggestions. “Is he/she controlling you?” (very often the case). “Does it feel good to be wanted by two people?” “Waffling like this seems to be theme in your life?” “Are you afraid to face the hurt? Are you afraid to lose something?” Allow your voice to trail at the end. Do not be dogmatic. Open the door for discussion.
4. See this as his/her problem. (I know! I know! Easier said than done!) Define your standards. Get your personal needs met. Begin to design the future for you. And tell him/her, “I would like to make it with you, but if not, I will certainly create something wonderful for me.”
5. Notice the changes in your relationship. Do you see a movement toward what you really want? Are patterns changing? Is their more effective, in-depth, heartfelt communication? Sometimes the larger picture is comforting.
6. Surround yourself with people who accept and listen to you. Friends/family often blurt out: Get rid of the #$%#$! They fail to understand the complexity and long-term process.
Remember, affairs are exceedingly complex and don’t go away easily. You will never forget, although the pain and memories fade over time. As well, it takes, on the average, 2-4 years for most couples to work through effectively the trauma.
Does the op ever realize that what the cheater is telling her maybe all lies, do they ever stop and think about what their doing to other families. In my case the op’s husband left her for another woman so she should know the hurt I’m feeling. Why do these people do it to another family. She says we had a failed marriage anyway but shes only going on what he has told her, we had our problems but what marriage does’nt. Now this has all been brought into my 7 year old sons life. How do I get this out of my head and actually focus on what is best for him?
JMC- I understand what you are trying to say, when saying that we need to also look to ourselves for ” forcing our spouses into an emotional affair”, but I will not take on any of the responsiblility of my spouse’s choice to cheat. He made that decision all on his own, regardless of what may had been the strain on our marriage at the time.
What I find extremely interesting is what I’m finding in many of the stories being written by everyone above is; in every relationship there seems to be a “caretaker” and as long as that caretaker is going along taking caring the dependant one everything seems to be just “dandy”. Just like in my marriage. When the “caretaker” who was me developed medical issues that directed the attention away from the “self centered dependant spouse” and I needed to be taken care of emotionally to get thru my difficult struggles, he wasn’t there for me, nor could he handle not being the center, thus he went elsewhere to find the attention he could get from whoever he could to continue to feed his self-centered needs. Now I sorry I’m having to say this, but I’m going to anyway, life isn’t always about everything you want to do, everyday Mothers and Wives ( and yes Fathers and Husbands too)do a million things they rather not be doing, but we do these things out of responsibility, a resposibility I took on when I entered into a union called a marriage, a responsibility I took on when I brought children into this world. I don’t have the luxury of turning these things on and off just because I feel like it and I’m “not having any fun”, if I wanted that luxury I should had stayed single and not had any children. When the cheating spouse steps out of their marriage they are stepping away from the responsibilities they themselve made the decision to undertake. If you can’t follow thru with your responsiblity 100%, get out and let the rest of your family get out of the “hell” they are in, so they can find some happiness in their lives with someone that truly loves them, respects and honors them, in sickness and in health till death do they part.
I’m in year three of my hell and if I take any responsibility for my spouses actions, the only one I’ll take is that I allowed him the freedoom to go out and socialize, alonging him a very long rope, this was called “trust”. I no longer trust him and he knows it. Altough he has asked me to trust him, his actions don’t warrant my trust. He thinks he’s being clever and more carefully with his lies and deceit, but he’s not. Today’s technology gives him every avenue to communicate with OP’s if he does, but today’s technology gives me every avenue to intercept, spy what ever you want to call it. The word of caution is, it’s not always fun intercepting what you do. And, for thoses of you that feel bad about resorting to the need to spy, don’t! I cried my eyes out in front of my priest feeling I was the bad, deceitful person for going as far as to spy on my husband, and you know what my priest said, he said I had the right to know and to validate my husbands behavior, but once we confronted the problem, that I should once again allow him his privacy. I did that for about 4 months and when his behavior again told me something different, I spot checked him and sure enough, he was back at it, just a different OP. My spouse is a classic # 4 and because he doesn’t want to accept that his behavior is not right, he will continue to be a repeat offender and since the environment he frequents (bars and alcohol) breeds this type of behavior he may never be able to change. The one thing he knows now more than ever is that he has taken away the trust and as he chips away at the only thing he has left with me, which is the love I have for him and have always had, eventually he’ll chip to far and there will be no turning back.
I’ll leave with these final words. I’m now know I’m strong enough to leave when I’ve had enough. I believe he see that in me and he knows it, I’ve communicated that with him. I’m a better communicator now as I’ve done alot of reading and if you want to know how to communicate your words better, pick up John Grays book on Men and Women and Relationships, you’ll be suprised. If you’ll find yourself applying the simple things he talks about when trying to communicate with the opposite sex, OMG, it will actually work. Another book that has been very helpful to me is Dr. Phil’s Relationship Rescue, you’ll find some very important advice in his book that will help you grow as a person. Dr. H., thank you for your book and this blog. It is not fair that any of us have to face the destruction that an affair creates, but it is very nice to know that we have a place to vent or offer advice to another at a different point in their “hell”. God Bless you all and I hope that you will all find the happiness that you rightfully deserve in a trusting, loving respectfully relationship.
I think it is wonderful tp have a place to share stories and thoughts. I have been reading some of the stories posted here for over an hour. So many of them have pulled at my heart because they are so similiar to my own situation. I’ve tried to talk to those close to me about my “problem” but I only get the familiar words, “leave him, you’re crazy if you don’t!” I thought I was the only person who would actually choose to stay in a relationship where her husband will not let go of the OW!!! He says he does but I always find evidence that he doesn’t. His affairs started a year ago this month the same month that we found out that we were expecting our fourth child. He had 5 lovers but 1 whom he developed “feelings” for. He’s left me twice to live with her both times it only lasted two weeks. Now he swears it’s over but I know it’s not
I’m lost and confused. I love him and I love this family and I want more than anything for us to work not just for our kids but for “us” too! Sometimes I think it would be easier to pack up and walk away but I can’t imagine life without him and our family together. I applaud all of you – a woman is a powerful force but in groups the possiblities are limitless.
The only responsibility for this mess that I am taking is that I didn’t protest enough before he crossed the line. This was a gradual process for my husband. He didn’t just jump in with both feet. I knew this girl wanted him for more than a friend and I begged him to not allow it. How stupid was I? I didn’t realize this was his cry for help to me that he needed more attention, more interest, more everything from me. I was just so tired from having two babies in 2 yrs with little or no help from him in the caretaking department. He has a great job that allowed me to stay home and I quit my job as a Nurse to be a mom. We had both agreed this was what we wanted. I now look back and think how I should have stayed working. If I would have, it would have forced him to take more responsibility with the kids and other household things. I wouldn’t have been able to take on all of the day to day things because I would have been working too. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so tired from kids needing me all day that I would have sought refuge in my husband instead of just wanting to be left alone and sleep.
He has told me that she felt alot of guilt about what they had done, but they couldn’t stay away from eachother. What crap! I have a theory about women who go after married men. They know exactly what they are doing. They see a successful, handsome, intellient man and see how great his life is and want that life. They don’t want to birth their own kids so they think they can have his with him and get their maternal fix every other weekend and then at other times they can have the man to themselves. They are coniving, cheating, amoral, lying thieves. I firmly believe that they have low self esteem and seek to find some kind of worthiness through dating a married man. They think that if a man would leave his wife and family for them then that makes them so special. The kicker is that most of these affair relationships don’t work. For one, the man doesn’t leave most of the time and for another, if he does, it doesn’t last because the problems the man had in the first marriage manifest in the second relationship and they see that aftet the “newness” wears off it’s just the old relationship with a different person. I have absolutely NO sympathy whatsoever for a person who dates a married man or woman. We all have choices. If they truely had morals and values, they would tell the married person to leave his family first and when he was sure it was over and the divorce was final then you can come to me. But until then I won’t be a party to anything.
My husband has ended it with this person, so he says. I have promised myself that if I find anything to the contrary or if she contacts him again, I will be contacting her father and brothers and let them know just what kind of a person they have as a daughter and sister. Paybacks are hell, they always say. Oops my horns are showing again. The evil streak in me gets out sometimes when I’m venting. ha ha I’ve tried turning the other cheek, but she keeps slapping me in the face, so my day will come and I’ll be the one doing the slapping, figuratively of course. I can only hope that it will never come to this, since he says it’s over and has shown me that he is trying to be trusted. I have drawn the line, I will not allow anymore deceit or lies. He knows this. The next time, it’s divorce and good-bye. I will leave and find someone else. I will not be made a fool of again. Fools are people who are stupid and I am alot of things, but not stupid. None of us are fools, we are people who were deceived and lied to and we are generous, loving, caring individuals who took our marriage vows seriously, for better or worse, right? No, we are not fools, just good decent people. At the end of the day, I can look myself in the mirror and sleep at night knowing I did all I could to save my marriage and that I treated my partner with respect and dignity. I’m not so sure that the cheaters and their affair partners can do the same.
My husband had anxiety attacks from all the lies and deceit and guilt. Finally, since it has been really over, he hasn’t had anymore. He says he hated the way he felt when he was lying to me. Yet when he was in the throws of it all, he once told me he liked the way he felt with her. She made him a better person, what a crock. I told him that if lying, cheating, deceiving, stealing from me and adultering made him a better person, then she could have him. He didn’t like that. Call it like you see it, tell them like it is. Charge neutral, but make sure you let them know you won’t tolerate any more crap. Be strong and know you all will survive with or without them.
I just wanted to say that I also read “After the Affair” and had one session with the therapist who wrote it because she lives in my county. I did not end up using her as a therapist because she point blank told me that I should not accept my husband’s intention to continue to see the OP just as a “friend.” I ended up with a male therapist who listened to me speak about my husband as a person and advised me not to engage in a power play but assured me that he would support me through whatever decision I made and whenever I made it – that is, if and when I came to the point when I felt I had had enough and needed to draw a line, he would simply advise me how to deal with that without imploding. As things started to turn better for me and my husband, basically when he began to realize his arrangement couldn’t go on forever because I would not tolerate it and she started to lose her grip on him, I asked him to read the book as well and he did – I felt that the book presented both points of view without judging the person who had cheated. As far as trusting him again – well, it will take a long time – a good friend of mine advised me to think of it this way – trusting him again is a choice you make and as with any choice, when you make it you need to be willing to take the consequences of that choice (the same way that the cheaters need to face up to the consequences of the choice they made to cheat)- I would say that you have to strike a balance somehow – you can’t let your guard down completely yet because you don’t even trust your own instinct anymore – but if you try to visualize how you want things to be and try not to over interpret everything you will at least end up driving yourself less crazy! I made it clear to my husband that all our improved communication has a “down side” in a way – now that I am more in tune with him it is easier for me to see when he is being evasive or keeping something from me – the funny thing is – this is true to some extent but, more importantly, he THINKS it’s true!
Don’t blame yourselves!!!
To say the OP is giving your spouse what you couldn’t is a bunch of BS most of the time. Affairs are about ILLUSION. It is not reality. Sometimes the problem goes back to childhood. There is often a deep emotional scar or anger that the cheaters are usually unaware of.
Affairs are exciting and based on fantasy. These people see each other looking their best and on their best behavior. Their time together is all about them and making each other feel good about themselves. They aren’t in REAL life together with bills, children, household chores, work schedules, etc.
Also remember, the OP is getting YOUR leftovers!! I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around. Anyone who leaves their spouse to continue a relationship based on lies is headed for doom. Because that’s what affairs are, they are based on lies. The cheaters lie to all around them to cover up what they’re doing. Now that I understand this, I can’t believe how some of these OP’s hang on and on to a false, phony illusion and waste precious time. Why? Because they are LOSERS with low self esteem. Some feel they don’t deserve better, and some just feel better if they “win” someone else’s spouse over! Sick isn’t it? So stop wasting time on thoughts of the OP. They don’t deserve it!
For those of you out there cheating – – wake up and grow up!!! If you get a divorce, your ex, children, bills, and problems don’t go away. Your expenses and your responsibilities will increase. All the affair does is complicate life for everyone. If you still love your spouse, get some help, take some time apart, whatever it takes and find your way back to each other. Do whatever it takes to earn back their trust. On your wedding day you didn’t promise to be perfect. What counts is getting back to each other and re-connecting.
Thanks, had to get that off my chest!
To Lucy
I feel badly for you and hope you can work things out but you are young enough to start with another person. You said you were 21 years apart so you must have been 21 when you met, curiously I am wondering since you were so young when you met him was he married when you both met, It sounds like what he doesnt want to let go of is not you but the materialistic things you 2 have acquired. Sounds like it has been going on for sometime and he may be on the back and forth for alot longer. You made a comment about the 53 yr old he likes and that it is usually younger woman, so how would you feel if this woman was 21 like when you met him instead of 53. I am suspecting that because you were so much younger that maybe through the years of your relationship he held the power because he was older because you were younger and lacked experience of likfe and maybe this person since she is his age is really more on his wave length. Has your age difference ever given you or his kids or ex problems dealing with it.Since I dont know if he was already divorced when you met him sometimes those things can lead you to some answers.
I hope things improve for you, chin up
To Shennie,
What do you mean nowhere to go? Sorry for being so blunt I really don’t mean to be. My job is up in the air. I spotted her knucklehead boyfriend who doesn’t even have a drivers license, driving my car a few weeks ago. I confronted him and he wouldn’t give me the keys and got obnoxious so he kinda got pushed down. I’m a cop and thats not allowed so well see how that turns out.
I lost my house. She didn’t make 4 morgage payments last year that I knew nothing about. She is an addicted gambler as well as an adultress.
Then she managed to get me sued for 3800 bucks. She didn’t pay for a couch 10 years ago and hid all the correspondence from me so I didn’t even know I was getting sued. My next two checks are history if I even get two checks with the other deal going on.
My credit is so messed up from similar situations that I couldn’t finance a snickers bar to save my life from starvation.
I worked 560 hours of overtime last year which was all dumped into her affair. That’s 30 grand by itself. With all the other expenses I can easily show 50 thousand plus last year alone. They clearly had a very good time at my and my childrens expense. She always came home with a smile on her face.
During this time frame I was rear ended on the interstate by a van going 100 miles per hour. Ouch. My truck was totalled. Lots of physical therapy. And then I had surgery on a hernia, that I have a wonderful phone record of her talking to her boyfriend for 45 minutes in the waiting room while I was under. All in 2006 by the way.
I could go on for days about all the damn lies and false promises. I am currently living out of the back bedroom of my brothers house. Thank God for that. Me and my 3 boys are bunking it and it’s actually been a great time. We are and have always been close.
Once the dust settles well figure something out from there. I have felt exactly like you for 19 months and all of a sudden one day I just snapped and said enough is enough.
She is still trying to string me along saying she loves me but girl, if she hasn’t dumped this clown in 19 months then who is she to wind up with a devoted guy like me, if she suddenly becomes a human being tommorrow and comes back. Why should she win in the end regaining everything.
I’m not saying I’m over her and even though I still hurt, I’m just done owning this pain. It will take some kind of miracle for me to turn around now. It just feels so different once you get above it.
We all have sad terrible stories. Not to discount your pain but where’s your self esteem girl. I don’t even know you and you sound pretty damn hot to me. You are clearly a strong determined women just to be able to take care of 6 kids on a daily basis.
I suggest that you stop thinking about today and the lonliness and betrayal you are feeling right now. Stop thinking about it was the wrong phrase. Everyone says that but it’s next to impossible to do. Let’s try stop dwelling on it. You are taking ownership of this pain instead of feeling it. You didn’t do this. Why own it?
Recognize it for what it is, a deep wound that WILL heal. Know it and live each day waiting anxiously for it to come. He clearly isn’t owning the pain. The sooner YOU stop the sooner YOU will feel normal again.
It sounds like you have a great amount of responsibility beyond the children as well with this farm and all. I hope some of your kids are old enough to help with that. I don’t have enough info to really make a suggestion without knowing what kind of farm, employees etc.
If it’s a family farm like many of the ones I know of in Iowa I would say it all comes down to what the kids want. If they are attached to the home and the area then it would be hard to uproot them. You on the other hand will be fine anywhere supermom. Trust me if you can handle 6 kids and a business the big cities got no chance of stopping you.
Maybe it’s time for a change of scenery. I know your family helped you and you probably would feel like you were running out but hey, maybe thats exactly what you need to do.
Is there anywhere else in this world where you would like to live and would be happy raising those kids who are so lucky to have you?
I say you need some new dreams. Thats what you feel like you lost here you know. This man is, at least in my opinion, from what you have written, a low class dog who cares about nothing but himself. You can’t really be that upset about losing that can you? No, of course not. I say you are saddened by the loss of a wonderful and purposeful dream that you once thought was your life.
Let’s consider finding a new dream. If it comes back together great. But let’s try to make him be the one catching up rather than the one returning to find you waiting with open arms like he is the conquering hero who finally slayed the beast inside himself.
Believe me I know what it’s like to feel like there is nowhere to go but that’s just not true. Think about selling that farm. Even at a loss if you have to. Sometimes we have to take a step backwards in order to step forwards.
Hold your head up. You are a courageous and worthwhile human being. Just because this fool can’t see that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Ask your kids what they think of you. I bet you will hear a bunch of words that will remind you of this.
Have you applied for any financial aid or food stamps? These programs are designed for struggling families like your own. Thats why we pay all those taxes. You as well. If you need it the money is yours. I know it feels like a hit but I can remember my mom using food stamps when I was a kid and you know what, I respect the hell out of her for doing it.
My dad bailed on us for another woman as well and she stood up and did what had to be done to take care of us. Man I have a great mom and thats all your kids are going to remember too. She hit the road, got us an apartment in the city and got a job waitressing. As fate would have it she had a new husband, that she’s been with ever since,(24 years) and has never looked back.
On a personal note I haven’t spoken with my real father since he left. My choice. Why? He just isn’t a man who warrants my attention.
It’s been very fun talking to you. I hope you didn’t think I was being mean or I don’t understand. Shennie life is way to short. I know your hurting but try to look at the big picture and not waste anymore time then you have to ok.
I’ll think of you often today,
Evan
Wow! Evan, you are so strong. Being able to be hurt…feel the pain…and give such succint advise. Who knows? None of us really do, but we are all trying. I don’t remember who said it earlier (I think it was you) but we are all at different stages of the same story. I saw someone today who was incredibly sympathetic and said that I don’t know the end of the story yet. She was right. However, I have made the statement that I am moving on. Can I uphold it? Do I want to right now??? It is all so confusing. It is not so black and white when someone goes so far over the deep end and my life has been taken in so many ways. Having said that I do believe I need to focus on me and the kids.
What I have found most helpful is focusing on today (or most often, the minute). Always easier said than done. I am really lucky to have great friends who help me do this. No family support at all. When I think about the past or tomorrow I can get myself into a total anxiety attack (for real). It is so horrible. If I focus on the now I am more strong. I still live in fear of this attitude crashing in on me. But is it so bad to ‘act as though’? I guess I’ll find out. In the meantime he can continue his messed up way of thinking, but it is a train wreck I don’t want to be on. I have no choice but to be attached, but maybe I am still able to jump before it hits the wall.
Here’s to hoping and living. What I’m hoping and living for remains to be seen. Congrats to those who have made it. For the rest of……we have to believe we will.
Does anyone other than myself think I talk to much? Sorry but I have found this to be a very constructive place to kinda just let it all out you know. You ladies are just great.
News flash; I have a date this week. A blind date at that can you believe it. I’m kinda scared but well just have to see how it goes. I dont know if it’s fate or what but she is 35 as am I. She has two kids around the same age as my kids and she grew up about 30 miles from me and went to a rival high school in Iowa. How we both wound up in Vegas is just weird.
The kicker is we are both still married and suffering from seperations. Her husband found another girl and moved back to Iowa and only pops in to see the kids a couple times a year now. She told her friend who is the wife of my friend/partner she is ready to start living again and is researching the divorce process. How weird is that? Maybe it’s the old closes a door, opens a window saying. Well see. I’ll let you know.
I do feel conflicted though because I completely believe in the sanctity of marriage. Am I doing something wrong? I haven’t lived with my wife for months and months now and am not being physically intimate with her. Neither of us are wearing wedding bands and she is till seeing the other guy.
I told her this was an all or nothing deal and she said no. I love her and want it to work but it’s been 19 months total now and I just dont want to wait anymore. At the same time I know myself. I won’t play her. If I like this woman I will tell her and end any future attempts to save my marriage until I have reached a resolution with this other woman. My wife dealt the cards I just don’t want to wind up feeling like a scoundrel.
I know I can look myself in the mirror now and forever knowing I did everything I could to save it. She expects me to hang on being faithful and paying her bills until she is done with her affair. Isn’t that crazy. Please tell me this won’t make me a cheater too.
Thanks,
Evan
To Shennie. I do appreciate your perspective and I have tried to imagine a role reversal with the ages. He had been divorced for quite a few years when he moved here and we met in our workplace. We developed a friendly sort of relationship and that went on for 3 years before we decided to go out on a date. Yes I was 21 when I first met him and I do remember seeing him being much different than the guys my age then and I found this extremely attractive. Honestly, neither of us thought in the beginning this would go anywhere as we were both having fun with each other and no one else was getting hurt. Over the years I have wondered if I was indeed his “Midlife Crisis”, but you can’t help who you fall in love with and even today he tells me I wasn’t. We both struggled openly with the age difference and the fact that I wanted children someday. He had much more to deal with in regards to his age, deciding if he wanted anymore children and if he wanted to keep up with a young woman in his later years, but he made this decision without my pushing him in to it. Our relationship as a whole hasn’t been without it’s ups and down, but up until early last year we worked together with everything. I’ve always had a really good relationship with his older children and eventually with his first wife. The other children even state that he has been a much better father to our children than they remember him being. I, like many others, have even made excuses for him (probably more for myself) as to why this happened. I just know all these years he seemed fine until his mother passed away. Looking at the age difference from my perspective along with what has happened, I’ve had the perfect opportunity to get everything I want and let go because I can start over again. Financially and materialistically I could have everything because he’s the one who messed up, but I would give everything except my children to have the marriage that I remember back. Not that I ever questioned my love for him, but if ever I had doubts about us, and I’m sure I have, I’ve realized just how much I still love him. I never considered that he was more afraid of letting go of our materialistic things verses letting go of me. I guess I still look back over what I remember and the over abundance of love he showered me with and I still want to believe that he hasn’t let go of me because the feelings still live within his heart. Have I been living in a dream world and it’s just time to wake up? It sure seemed real to me. I am so totally confused about the emotional connection he has with her and with me, but I also know that I can’t continue to live with this OP in the shadows any longer. I feel like I’ve said and done so much over the past year and a half to fight for what I believed in. I don’t know how to let go yet and our living circumstances now, as well as the business we run together, makes it harder for me to force him out of my daily life. He adores our kids as they adore him but in the same breath I can’t believe he’s done this to them. I’ll never understand how people can intentionally or not hurt the ones they say they love. Like Evan, I just wish my husband had enough respect and appreciation for all that I’ve been to either let her go and work 100% on the marriage or just let me go. I know we still struggle with why the ones we love did this in the first place. I’ve read everyone’s stories and in oddest way it’s comforting to know I’m not alone and as I read, I feel the strong emotions in everyone’s words. No matter how things work out, I hope everyone has great happiness in the end. Evan, you must be the epitome of the word husband. I wish there were millions of men like you.
Lucy
Evan, not sure if you are asking for advice or not, but as an objective opinion, I’d say you have done all you can and after 19 mos and moving out with your kids, paying her bills, allowing her to have her freedom and stay with the OP is more than enough. Beleive me, I am not an advocate of divorce, or I would have left my husband by now and cut my losses. I just hate to see you taken advantage of, even though I know all of us have been in some way through our own experiences.
I wouldn’t feel guilty for moving on. Go have fun and enjoy yourself on this date. You’re not marrying the person, just having some adult conversation and living again. Maybe that’s what your wife needs to see. That you are finally living your life again for yourself and not letting the world revolve around her. Stop paying her bills! Let her take responsibility for her actions. The only thing that woke my husband up was me telling him, I was done and he should go be happy and let me go. I was moving on. We all deserve better. We are good people and deserve to be happy and find love from someone who loves, respects and wants us. Affairs are total disrespect and disregard for the person being cheated on, but I’m sure this is nothing you don’t know. Sometimes you just need to hear that it’s ok to move on. It’s ok to feel like you deserve better. If she can’t see what a wonderful person you are after all this time then frankly, I don’t think she is going to. I don’t beleive in this waivering and sitting on the fence crap. Stand up to her. You are already half way to the point of divorce just by leaving and taking care of your kids. Don’t enable her to have the best of both worlds. She is stringing you along with the hopes of you waiting forever and paying her bills so she can have her fun and no responsibility. Show your kids, I don’t know how old they are, that you are strong and that you are taking the situation in hand and will no longer let her take advantage of you. They will respect you in the long run for taking care of them, just as you respect your mom. It’s always easier to let go when you have another love interest to confide in, so maybe this person you are going out with will turn out to be someone you will want to be committed to or even just a great friend. You are not cheating by going out and living your life. Remember, your wife did this, she made decisions for you and your marriage without your input. She is the one who cheated and now she is the one who should pay the price. Ultimately, it will be you she loses, her stability, her rock and the best thing that ever happened to her. You never know, maybe once she sees that you have given up on pursuing her, she’ll wake up and beg you to take her back. Once she sees you are done with her then she’ll think twice about what she is doing. But if she does, don’t take her back without some ground rules. Total and complete revelation of all cell phones, emails, credit cards etc…. until you trust her again. Remember she has to recommit to the marriage and if she wants to do this then she needs to do whatever it takes to gain your trust back. You’ll know if she is willing or not. If she’s not willing to hand all information over then she is still seeing him. Beleive, been there, done that over and over. Take care of yourself. I hope that what I have said wasn’t out of line. I apologize if it was. I just hate to see such a nice guy get taken advantage of. Best of luck to you. Mari
To Evan
Thanks so much for your words you really are one of a kind.
You are so right about it being the dream or plans I had for a future together with all my family growing old together etc. Just
so you know I would never ever take him back he doesnt deserve that. I could never be with someone who could treat me in the way he did in the months that followed. I guess the complicated part for me is the children and how it can hamper you from living your own life. If I had only 2 or 3 kids it would be a little different but 6 is a little much, not only do I have to be cautious of who I bring into their life, the demands on me of having that many leaves me little time to develop a new relationship and to top it off I have even had guys tell me good luck because no one will want someone with 6 kids, you have no idea how many people say that and if my ex had been a decent person and taken his share of reponsibility I may have had some flying chance. All of my 6 kids were born in 9 years because I wanted them close together instead of dragging it out and when he left my youngest was only 4 , because they were all so young made them more demanding upon my time. I have looked into some form of welfare but am unable as long as I am a homeowner unlike my ex who signed my home to apply for welfare and even messaged me once that he was threatening to file for bankruptcy for all would be lost because he was whining to me that him and his girlfriend needed money for food and were eating at food banks.
What kind of man has an affair and whines to his ex with 6 kids that he has not helped I laughed so hard and all the while they were taking trips to this resort and that really. If it wasnt for my kids not wanting to be uprooted i would have moved along time ago but since we were abandoned I was told to try and keep their lives as normanl as possible. At the time he left they were all involved in outside activities. We dropped a couple but I have managed to maintain some to keep their normalcy. he complained that i was spending too much money on them and they would never be anything. I should think he would have been grateful of the time I also invested of myself to do constructive things with them regardless of whether they made something of themselves or not . My youngest is a national gymnast now 8 yrs old and being geared to the Olympics. She s a gifted child and has routines equivalent to a 15yr old and put in less hours than the other kids their due to my limited funds.
I use to employ mexican offshore labour but they also took advantage of the situation and did not work to snuff and were alway trying to be sexual as I was a woman til one day one of them was eyeballin me and I loudly asked hime what the f he was lookn at and did he have a prob. after that they left me alone but by then they hadnt produced enough quality work. Then it became my six kids and I eventually my oldest resented the load and blamed me for the reason her life was like this after meeting up with her Dad after she hadnt seen him in over 2 yrs. He told he I had all these choices and made the wrong ones and how it was all my fault etc and she feel for it I guess thats the part I hate and now I rarely see her she left at 16 after she became involved with him and moved in with her boyfriend and his family. She is terribly weak emotionally and it is now out of my hands I know one day she will be in alot of trouble.
I have worked my butt of to survive this, 5 days before he left he and I signed a new loan of 200,000.00 together on top of our original mortgage to diversify the business from growing vegetables to flowers. I was dumped with both these mortgages which I am almost done paying one. They then proceeded to utilize our farm loan account debiting at their leisure for food perfume jewellery trips etc until one day I got a statement and saw all this money gone so I put a freeze on it. That account was run up to 150,000.00 If I were to sell the farm I would pay all off but end up with nothing so Ive decided to go it alone and fight for what I have worked my whole life for. I have stayed til now in the best interests of my kids. I have for the last 2 yrs struggled desperately to start a new business of some sort but have been unable to see one through because it would mean I could lose everything and until they are just a little older I do not want to take that risk. I guess I was just having a really bad day the day I wrote which i still do from time to time and it is usually when I take the 3 for their visitation with their Dad . I have to drop and pick up at his parents who I was part of their family for many years and put alot of myself into them as family only to be made to feel like an outsider. I guess thats really when I start having a bad time so when I can get someone else to do the drop and pick I grab it . They even had a visitation on mothers day and I had suggested to him it would have been nice if he had set a good example and taken the children to buy some flowers or make a nice card for me and the response I got was where did I get off thinking he owes me a gift can u imagine. I hate being part of anyones life that has such a bad overview. I am a very optomistic person by nature where he is a pessimist. When it was his bday and xmas I had the kids make cards and give him a little something because its the kind of person I am but I guess being genuine is not always returned.
I too feel that marraige is a lifetime committment and do blame myself that I shouldof couldof done something so things didnt end up this way but it probably would have only prolonged it anyway. As for you go out with this girl it does not make you a cheater you are a wonderful guy and deserve it your making me jealous lol. I do plan on moving somewhere else in this world so I can feel like I am starting over and put it all behind but I did have to put the kids first and I think that soon my time is coming. I live in Ontario now and it would be nice to live out west in not such a fast pace society or somewhere in the us where it is quiet. The sky is the limit for me right now
and have the freedom to go anywhere. I took over all the loans to get him off my back and be rid of him for good and am a sole owner now haleluia. I have started writing books I think I will write one called Murdered Alive lol. Thanks so much for all of your words they mean more to me than you could ever know. Just knowing that someone out there is thinking of me brings tears to my eyes and for that I am very grateful. Evan I wish you all the best and dont feel bad about meeting someone because I have a feeling your the catch of a lifetime and your ex is a stupid ass.Take care and thinking of you also.
To Lucy Hang on to youself and if he wont let this person go then you have to and fight for what you have. I asked the question of whether he was married when he met you as my husband met a girl when she was 18 23 yr younger than him and was very hard to deal with from alot of perspectives . She has been very arrogant toward me name calling etc and she doesnt even know me. I cant imagine someone 18 has the life experience to be so arrogant when she has clearly invade the family I once knew. anyway that is not your case but if you cant get him to let her go now he prob never will You are his second marriage and he has messed that up too. so chances are he was not ment to have the fortitude to committ to someone forever. You do have a great chance since you are still young and it sounds like you have commted a great deal to your life so fight for it and know in the end that you are the better person for it and he will see what he lost one day and hopefully by then you are past it all.
Thinking of you and hoping things work out
Evan
I also forgot to tell you that if she has ran u into so much debt cut all those ties asap before your buried. Even if you end up back together down the road you have taken on a huge responsibility on her behalf and she probably doesnt even see it.
Mine expected it so she may too. Neither deserve it if you choose to leave then lie in your own bed and dont expect us to lie there with you. You have let it go on for sometime and you need to give yourself a chance but letting her own her debts. I felt sorry for him at first and allowed it for a time but then it came down to him or my kids and I picked my kids because I had no control of them and he didnt even talk to me just took advantage and I finally put a stop to it to save ourselves and you should to. Even though the farm is a weight right now one day I will replace that life with a new one such as writing as i said. or acting I enrolled in Canadian Actors over a year ago and have tried to learn about that business because anyone who has been through this has suffered enough adversity to be an actor.Something I always had a passion for. Since I was with him so young(15)I forewent my own dreams and ambitions I guess thats why the loss of the dreams I made with him hit so hard. At least she couldnt take away your profession when she left. As he tried to take away mine but I just couldnt let him without a fight. Anyway forgot to say that part hope it helps
To Evan, There are four stages when dealing with grief whether it be a death or the death of a relationship: denial, sadness, anger and acceptance. A person can vacilate between them but for the most part a person has to get through the stages to come out healthy and move on. If you read your earlier entries and your last, I can see you are healing and that is a good thing. My opinion, go on your date. You have been through enough and deserve to start being happy again. Make it a platonic relationship, not physical until you decide your marriage is over. I know, I know, more difficult said than done. You will then respect yourself knowing you tried everything possible to save your marriage. Be realistic though, this date may have to be the first of many before you find someone right for you. Try not to fantasize. Don’t involve your children with another person until you know it is a serious relationship. Your wife does not deserve you and you are too good a man for her to continue bringing you down. Get up, set your goals, and move on for yourself and your kids. Your wife has done nothing but destroy the family and make a mess. Let her carry on alone. You know in your heart you have done everything possible.
To Shennie,
Would you be interested in trying to find a way to trade email addresses? Can’t think of any other way to ask other than calling every first name Shennie and first intial S in the Ontario phone book. Kinda crazy but this just seemed easier. I’m not looking for a love connection or anything right now but I am really enjoying talking to you. Any thoughts or ideas?
The heck with it. Lifes to short. Here’s mine. I have spam blocker. Might need to upgrade it now though. EVANC268@yahoo.com
Evan
Evan,
Just wanted to send a note to say that I’ve had a really bad 24 hours and was at a low point yet again. You made me laugh and I sooo appreciate it. I love your attitude. I need to take some of it myself!
Sue,
What can I say, I’m a funny guy. Actually I feel so awkward these days I just can’t help but laugh at myself and this whole crazy, should be on a daily soap opera, insanity that has become my life.
Can’t you just see it. The supportive wife telling me not to be scared as I walk into pre-op with a nurse, the lights fade out, the lights fade back on, you see me on a hospital bed having surgery, the scene cuts to the waiting room and there’s the concerned wife, on the phone with her boyfriend.
Just think of all the white knuckled viewers muttering explicits under their breath. Could be a good book or show. maybe I can get Shennie to write it or better yet act it when she makes it in theater. She’s certainly got the drive and the research for the role.
Sorry to hear you were having a bad day. We can all relate. Glad my clown self was able to help. Really I mean that.
I have to tell you, if I was your husband right now, I would be scared to death. You sound as though you are holding the high ground bigtime if you divorce this guy. If he’s not acting scared then he is way taking for granted that he can have you anytime he wants.
Half of everything or more, child support and spousal support. Hell don’t forget to keep the DVD’s and matching potholders. And why not? You have given this man a wonderful gift in your love.
You carried and bore these priceless children and helped him to realize and accomplish these huge dreams in your business and dream home.
Move on kitten. If he catches up great. If not he can hang out with the washed up singer who hasn’t been strong enough or determined enough to make a marriage last yet. I find it hard to believe that she got hosed over three times. Clearly she’s not playing with a full deck. I think she’s got her eye on the house myself. DON’T LET HER HAVE IT! What kind of a person is intimate with someone who is married with children anyway. Believe me, if he keeps her he hasn’t won a thing.
If that’s what he wants, then what are you going to do? I would stop trying to figure it out though because there is no rhyme or reason to it. Some people have problems that are beyond any comprehension and are just lessor people. Second class human beings if you will.
Sometimes they are able to fake it and land a classy chick like yourself but in the long run it’s to much for them and they ultimatly drop the ball and wind up with what they deserve. Stop trying to give him the ball back. Its your’s now and if he plays his cards right, you might feel generous enough to let him look at it every once in awhile.
Our love for these dysfunctional people is clearly all of our weaknesses. We all have this dream we thought was our lives and need to wake up.
I said it before, we need to find people who love us for who we are as individuals rather than who we are together with them. Guess it only makes sence that we should also love ourselves for who we are as individuals. If he saw you as a strong minded independant woman he wouldn’t be spending so much time on that fence.
It sounds to me like it’s time to tell him to get off the fence or your going to knock him off and keep the fence.
I picked my 5 year old up from kindergarden today and when we were driving he asks me if I wanted to hear a joke. He say’s, “your momma’s so fat, she jumped in the air and got stuck.” My mom isnt of course and he wasn’t actually talking about her but for some reason it just caught me of guard.
Life does go on Sue. I laughed so hard I had to pull my Escalade over and laughed myself to tears. Life does go on.
I haven’t laughed like that for 6 months now and I am sure that talking to all of you has been instrumental in my healing enough to experience it again.
Thanks to you all,
Evan
Wow! Evan have you ever considered being a counselor. I look forward to coming to this site to see whats happening next with you. For that little bit I don’t think about poor little me. I really enjoy your words of encouragement. Now if we all could be as strong as you we would all be fine. I’ve lost alot of confidence and self-esteem during this phase of my life and hope to someday get my ducks in a row. Until then thanks for that little ray of hope. You sound like a wonderful man whose love his kids. Thanks again and best of luck in everything you do, you desire it?
Sorry Evan thats supposed to be a ! after desire it!, not a ?.
Evan
You hit the nail on the head when you said for people to love us for who we are as individuals thather than who we are together with them. Wow that is sooo true. Some people base who they are by the relationship they are in and it defines them as people and that is so not as it should be. Even though all this stuff has happened and feel like their is no end in sight I know deep down
I had alot to offer that just wasnt appreciated and I like the person that I am and what I stand for in life if I defined myself through him I would have grovelled to get him back and I never did
that. I told him that his actions would speak louder than his words and if the stuff he said was true then time would show it.
Turned out to be just words and I thank my instincts that I dealt with it cautiously. I later found out that when he was begging to come back and left the girl it was only because he didnt want her to get caught with welfare fraud and she was getting mothers allowance while with him and that he could come back to our home and take what he wanted that he forgot to the first time. I guess I was lucky in that it never came to be. When I didnt let him just walk back in he ran and because he never contacted us for so long and for 6 solid months could absolutely not be reached the court awarded my family a summary trial. When a person wont respond to the law and file back I guess this is what they do. It puts them in default and the court can proceed to do what is necessary without them present.
But even so all I really got from it was a chance to keep my life . When he realized what happened he was furious that he lucked out and of course blamed me for all. Doesnt matter I had little choice but to abide by the court system something he doesnt want to accept. He went through 3 lawyers before one would even stand behind him and he was a real winner if you know what i mean . I hope that part is ok for you, The legal system is slow and tedious and lawyers have 2 speeds slow and stopped lol and how much money do you want to put out. Anyway your comments are so enlightening and Im so glad your finding it in your heart to allow yourself to find some lightheartedness through all of this and ps I did message you
Evan,
THANK YOU!!!! I have to figure out how to download your note to read when I’m down again. Hit a new low tonight as I am taking the kids away for Thanksgiving (which he originally thought was a good idea) because it is too painful to be here. He decided that meant it was a good time to take her on vacation. He won’t tell me where he’ll be and I’ve decided we are done. If he gets to walk out on his responsibilities whenever and however he likes, what am I waiting for? I hope I can stick to it. I hope that after 6 days in the sun we’ll feel better about ‘doing it on our own’.
His reaction has been mixed. Telling me every detail of him messing up this week is my fault and then apologizing and crying. I have screamed like I’ve never screamed before….actually hurt my voice. So much for charge neutral. I’ve done the neutral things for so long I think all the anger and pain came out at once. His bright comment to that is “This isn’t helping.”
There’s a lot of complication to the pending ‘next step’ as he has been seeing the kids here and they don’t want to go there. I don’t know how that will find its way through. We are still in counseling for the next couple of weeks to figure that out. Even their counselor doesn’t want them to go there as he thinks it will be too traumatic for them. The problem is that this is getting so bad that we need to make the move sometime. Too much to figure out.
I’m going to spend the next week trying to simply enjoy my children and myself. BTW….my husband is the one with the 27 year old……..he’s 45. Age doesn’t always matter but there is so much baggage here I would go on for many paragraphs explaining it. So what? He’s doing what he is doing and saying what he is saying does not have much impact anymore. Actions are everything……even if he doesn’t get that.
I’ve been writing for hours because I am lucky enough to have friends to call to interupt me. I’m now too tired to be so angry. Maybe that is good. Hopefully I can sleep..something so hard to come by these days.
In the end. You are right. Move on. Laughter helps tremendously. I have very sharp kids who keep me laughing with their wit and ability to find humor in the dire. I will enjoy my vacation with them and know that it is the ‘next step’ to us being ‘us’. So sad and so empowering all at the same time.
Congrats to you and your motion. May I follow your footsteps. The cheesy novel is more real than I ever could believe and I’m horrified that I’ve been playing a part. Maybe someday I’ll make some real money on a ‘Desperate Housewives’ show. I have several episodes in back log!
never thought I’d be writing on a blog!
Sue
To Evan
I think you’re great, it’s rare to see ‘commitment’ and responsibility in men these days, or maybe it’s just my luck.
I too believe very much in my marriage vow – through good and bad times right? True, there may have been something, some lapses in moment in the marriage that caused him to look ‘outside’. Realities of life set in, after the honeymoon, the great in-love feeling of ‘now you are my husband, I’m your wife’. Kids, career, domestic issues, lack of emotional support, etc. Been there, done that.
He said he would give the marriage another try and ‘let’s forget about the divorce’, that he would just ‘be friends’ with the op, that i need to be patient becos he needs to ‘settle’ it.
Then when he comes home from seeing the op, he will behave differently again.
He said he’s afraid what if he really thinks he’s not in love with me anymore, that he doesn’t think there’s anything left in the marriage? He said he doesn’t want to be ‘stuck’ with me for the next 40 years, just becos it’s a marriage, that he thinks he should begin a new life (with the op, right?)
I have moved past the phase of being angry with his infidelity, the betrayal. This is his second affair- well, almost. After the 1st one ended 5 years ago, he confessed there was something going on with someone, but it didn’t work out.
We’ve been married for 13 years, I’m 38, he’s 39.We have 2 kids, 9 and 7 of age. I’ve been to counselling, I read, I pray.
I’ve seen a priest; i’m told divorce is not a sin.
I know I still love him, I think of ways to rebuild the marriage, to bring back the love, joy, the laughter and happiness that we had.I’ve forgiven, and am prepared to move on to move forward, with him.
But I feel like a fool, an idiot, deceiving myself. Do you still hold on to the love and marriage, for a spouse who thinks he is not in love with you anymore, who thinks he’s in love with this op and should begin his life with this op?
There is nothing I want more than to have his love again, for our marriage to work out, for him to be there for the children.
What happened to the marriage vow that we took? Does one simply stop loving the spouse that he/she is married to and begin to ‘look’ for love outside the marriage?
I tell myself I have to be strong, to be able to ‘let go’ and move on. Yet in me somewhere there’s hope, there’s love.
It’s breaking my heart into pieces – I wish I too could just move on, to ‘begin a new life’ just like him.
Any advice please, anyone?
What does a man mean when he says he feels love now ? Is he saying he feels he’s being loved by the op, which I can’t make him feel?
First he said he wanted to try with me again. Next moment he said he wonders if he chooses to be with me, will he ever ‘find love again, will he be capable of loving me as he feels love now’.
He knows I love him.
Gosh, I’m so confused now – do i give up or do i hang on?
Chan, I feel the same way. My husband said he felt dead in our marriage and the OW made him feel something for the first time in a long time. He thought it was real and that his feelings for me were gone, so he left to live with her. But since he’s been gone, we are growing closer and he says he now feels confused and feels sadness for leaving and love when with me. But I think he is afraid it is a temporary feeling so he is taking the time to see what “his heart says”. Maybe our warm and loving feels towards each other are nostalgia, maybe they are the way we’ve always felt for each other but became buried and numbed out by life’s trials. My therapist said that sometimes people need to part in order to come back together. But how long do I hold on, he cries when he leaves me to go back to their apartment. He is spending more time here with me and our daughter than he is there. Is this normal??? He has been moved out for a little over 3 weeks. we’ve decided to give it 2 months which will bring us to Christmas. I now feel like the other woman… but it is nice because I am getting the attention and love and yearning. Is that vengeful of me to acknowledge that and to feel satisfaction in the fact that she is the one he is lying to and pulling away from. I don’t know…
Here’s a funny email i received recently that I thought I’d share with you all. Please read and have a good laugh – I did!!! It’s entitled “The Jilted Wife” and she’s a genius.
She spent the first day packing her belongings
into boxes, crates and
suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers
come and collect her
things. On the third day, she sat down for the
last time at their
beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some
soft background music, and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,
and a bottle of
Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and
every room and stuffed
half eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into
the hollow of all of the
curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and
left.
When the husband returned with his new
girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house began to
smell. They tried
everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the
place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam
cleaned. Air fresheners
were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas
canisters, during which
they had to move out for a few days, and in the
end they even paid to
replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked. People stopped
coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work
in the house. The maid
quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any
longer and decided to
move. A month later, even though they had cut
their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local
realtors refused to return
their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge
sum of money from the
bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called
the man, and asked how
things were going. He told her the saga of the
rotting house. She
listened politely, and said that she missed her
old home terribly, and
would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement
in exchange for
getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell
was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had
been worth, but only
if she were to sign the papers that very day. She
agreed, and within the
hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week
later the man and his
girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
moving company pack
everything to take to their new home, including
the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU????
To Chan,
You are giving this man way to much power. He doesn’t even have to dicide what he wants becaue he has everything. Your love is total and he knows he can come home anytime he wants. I am being blunt and I am sorry. I have opened a new chapter in a blank book that is my life and started to write.
Hearing you and others still being abused, and make no mistake this is abuse, just ticks me off to no end. This isn’t a game. People’s hopes and dreams are riding in the balance and these cheaters are so childish it’s just mean.
Sounds to me like your standing in a burning house and your trying to see how much smoke you can suck down before the walls fall in on you.
You will only take so much of this you know. Deciding when enough is enough is the tricky part. All I can say for sure is, standing there letting him throw wood on the fire either through action or inaction does absolutely nothing.
I know you want him back. I know you love him. If you didn’t you would never even consider taking him back after him being with someone else.
Until he see’s the writing on the wall he doesn’t have to make anykind of decision girl. If you start over one day at a time, stop owning the pain you didn’t create and live your life for your children and yourself, this will come to a conclusion one way or the other much much faster.
That is what you want isn’t it? An end to this pain and drama. So what if he doesn’t come back. You have still moved forward and are closer to being normal and happy again. You have lived for him long enough.
Live for you and if he comes back or when you find someone else, still live for you. He’s taking for granted how much you love him and until you stop taking your own self worth for granted, it will never end. Why would it. You going to stick it out until he gets bored with her?
Why do we all have so much love to give but seem to forget to keep any of it inside for ourselves? We have to learn to be fully functioning, free thinking and self loving human beings. Why would anyone else love us if we don’t even love ourselves.
Chan, you need to get out of that speeding car before it hits the wall. I don’t care how much you love that car. Get out!!! Let it hit the wall and if you want to give it another go, take it to the body shop and throw some paint on it. If not buy youself a new car and keep driving down the street. Sitting in the passenger seat with no control, just waiting to see if you survive the crash you know is sure to come, is just crazy.
I hope that helped and I didn’t seem to mean. I’m on a different level then I was a few weeks ago and I’m the guy standing on the side walk watching you screaming towards that wall, yelling for you to jump from the car.
I am not over my wife, I still hurt, I still cry but I’m not sitting in an out of control car or sucking on fumes anymore.
You will get there to but I assure you, loving yourself will get you there so much faster. Please Chan, you are worth it.
Evan
To Chan: I read all these heartfelt messages and I am comforted knowing we are not alone because so much of our stories are similar. Spouse is on the fence, loves both you and the op, can’t make up their mind meanwhile stringing us along. They are afraid of PAYING THE PRICE of making a decision. Chan if your husband has cheated like this before and more than once in such a short time of marriage, do you think he will ever be faithful? Don’t you deserve someone who is true to you and your child? It is so discouraging to see there are so many cheating people out there who are selfish and only concerned about themselves and their wants. My husband is the same. Waiting for either me or the op to make a decision because he doesn’t have the ba–s to do what he wants and face the music of disrespect from family and friends. Let’s worry about ourselves, do what we want, think about our future and make lives of our own. Forget him. At least for the time being and concentrate on yourself. The future can be bright if we would only let it. Get busy and do for ourselves and I think everything will turn out okay. There is a reason for crap like this to happen. I am tired of being depressed and thinking of him with his op. I deserve better and so do you.
To Evan I was just wondering how your date went? If you don’t want to tell I understand.
Wow! Reading the messages from all of you wonderful, caring individuals has really opened my eyes. There are SO many of us out there with unfaithful spouses who have put us in this bottomless pit, making us feel helpless, hurt, and humiliated…while they’re having a good time!
Their excuses of: (1.)”finding themselves”, (2.)seeking “relief” from stress and/or boredom and/or getting older, and (3.)trying to find an “escape” from the responsibilities in their lives, are all tired old excuses for (1.) wanting to have sex with someone else, (2.) wanting to have sex with someone else, and (3.) wanting to have sex with someone else.
There may be other things going on, but in most cases, I believe sexual adventure or sexual excitement is what they crave, to make themselves conjure up a more attractive image of themselves.
Meanwhile, the faithful partner is the one who suffers, who worries about the family, and feels crummy…but we’re not the ones who committed the wrongdoing!
I’m almost 60, and my H is in his mid-60’s, and he’s had two lengthy affairs within the last 3 years with younger women, and it’s still going on.
We’ve been married for over 30 years and our children are grown, well-educated and well-adjusted…and they will have nothing to do with their dad. I’m grateful to still have very loving and close relationships with our children in spite of their father’s actions. They all knew about the affairs before I did. They understand that I’m still living with H because of my age and health problems, and a subsequent need for financial & other types of security he provides. H does not want a divorce, and I don’t either because I don’t think I could live thru that strain.
I think what’s happened over time, my friends, is that although it still hurts that H is “seeing” (getting it on with) someone else, H and most unfaithful spouses do it mainly because having sex with someone else makes them feel cool & important, and that’s about as shallow as a person can be. It doesn’t have a lot to do with us, or anything we “could/would/should” have done.
I came to this conclusion because look what kind of company we’re in (!): Jackie Kennedy Onassis, Ethel Kennedy, Hilary Clinton, Mrs. Coretta Scott King, Princess Diana, Mrs. Jesse Jackson, and more recently, beauties Halle Barry and Christie Brinkley, and SO many others…these are beautiful, accomplished women in their own right…and all their husbands cheated. (I’m sure there are many famous female spouses who have cheated, too!) Historicaly, we’ve all dealt, or are still dealing, with the pain.
I think each of us here should receive a badge of courage for dealing with the “challenges” that infidelity created for us. It seems to me there’s an infidelity epidemic going on, but it also appears there always has been! That’s what we’re all up against. We all really are in this together, connected by an invisible bond, but I feel that it is there just the same. After reading your insightful messages, I believe sharing our questions, experiences, suffering, wisdom, and hope helps us all, and helps lead us to the right road for each of us. Thank you for giving so much of yourself. You’ve encouraged me more than you could ever know.
I love you all, and I mean it.
To Unsure,
I didn’t go. I just wasn’t ready. Sorry if I took the easy way out. They say all good things come to those who wait. Sounds pretty corny really. I am still married after all. Think I might do something about that soon though. I’m not wearing my wedding band anymore and sleeping well.
If there is one thing that I can suggest to you that is distance. If you talk to him often and see him often, feels weird saying him because I’m a guy, you will find it much harder to get along alone then if you make it less often between contacts. And try to keep those contacts short. Hard at first believe me but will get easier.
He won’t have as much power and I assure you that day by day you will feel stronger and stronger standing alone as the powerful, independant, purposeful individual you will become and who someone will recognize you as and love you for.
Who knows, maybe he will catch up. Who knows maybe my wife will catch up as well. And who knows, maybe when or if she does my wants won’t be the same. Everything changes with time. You know happiness is in your future as do I. It just feels so very far away right now doesn’t it? Be strong. I know you can be.
I have to tell you something. At first I thought life was just over. I mean who the heck was I if not her husband. Now though, I still wish it could be the way it was on one hand, but also somewhere deep down inside me, I don’t ever want her back and just want to know that she gets the opportunity to hurt as badly inside as I have. Funny how a little time and distance can change the way you see the world.
I’ve actually been kinda hoping that her paramour would just get hit by a bus or something but I think thats just a male perspective. With girls I think the thoughts involve more hands on approaches and knives.Just kidding. Well not really I guess. That will pass to trust me. Somebody said something earlier in the blog about leftovers and that kinda stuck with me.
Have faith, if in nothing else, in yourself. Most of the greatest rewards in life are found at the end of surviving the most chaotic of circumstances. You know like all that girly stuff about storms and rainbows and stuff. You have to smile now at least a little because I’m sounding like a total dork.
Evan
Let me give some ladies and gents a little advise. I went and purchased a digital voice recorder and put it in his car and heard all I needed to hear. Some of you, who are still wondering if h/s is still talking to the other person and if in your heart thats all you need to kick him out or move on. I suggest that you buy one too. It really works.
To Evan and Jean
Thanks for your advices. Saw a psychiatrist today, who basically said the same thing – that cheaters like him are narcissistic, selfish and irresponsible. In short, he is not worth it!
Thanks for the encouragement! Feeling better now; will pick myself up.
Glad to hear you are feeling better Chan. It seems like every day is different. Saw my spouse yesterday and will again over the next few days. AAHHHHHHHHH! Evan, you are so right. I think seeing him less might be helpful because it hurts so much to be constantly rejected and knowing he is seeing op. Yet, he is staying in contact with me more than he has in the past. Meanwhile, as independent as I thought I was, I need to hang a ceiling fan and replace my car filter. Both I do not know how to do and hate to have to rely on him yet there is no one else to help. I hate that. It is nice to know I am not the only one who dreams of the op meeting an accident. I sooooooooo think of that. How can so much of us be hurting yet, all of us feel so alone? I keep thinking I need to get out more and meet people but where? And I need sex. Where the hell do I get my needs met? I know many of you feel the same. I keep thinking of the future; bright, possibilities, options, then alone at night I fall apart. The kids suffer because they are being ignored. What a mess. It has to get better, please. Evan, you sound like a great catch, not a dork. Hope everything turns out well for everyonel. This blog has been great therapy.
Just wanted to tell all of you Happy Thanksgiving! For some it will be a hard day, holidays can be, and like Evan mentioned, Holidays with craving knives..hmmm kidding(laughter is important sometimes).
Evan, I didn’t want to write earlier when you where asking about it being okay to go on a date, but I think you did more right by following your gut and not going. Here is why I feel that way, which is opposite of what many others may feel, but maybe when a person thinks about it, it won’t seem so ridicules. You are still married and I’m glad you recognize that, even though you have been “wronged” and the boundries of your marriage have been violated by your spouse. You need to finish your relationship with your spouse before you start another. Now I’m not saying you need to necessarily have the divorce papers in hand and finalized, but I truly believe the whole thing needs to be in process and fully communicated to your spouse that it is over. “Fully communicated” is the key to what I’m saying. Today’s bad situations are often made worse because the situation ends up being complicated by “our” actions that we certainly have earned the right to do because of our spouses behavior. Your spouse could turn a “new relationship” that you develop with someone against you, especially if it became physical, making the courts now view you as no different than her. Take the higher road, get the word communicated, file the papers and then you truly can move on and be happy! Does that make sense??? God Bless you! By the way did you all see the new blog article? I’m going to check it out.
Oh and Tracy, the digital recorders confirm the erased cell phone call logs, the use of ON Star and so goes the story. I’ve always tried to be carefully about disclosing my monitoring devices as I know my spouse could find this blog if he wanted too. Unlike him, my e-mails, cell bills, computer history and “life” is an open book, not “password protected”.
God Bless all of you.
Too Dee
I wasnt going to respond to your entry but couldnt help myself. Regarding your advice to Evan and about waiting til its over. Well I dont know how much of a door mat people think they should be for others but something Dr. Bob said that is so true. ITS NEVER OVER. And frankly if someone doesnt have the guts to be their own person and give someone back a little of what they giving then maybe thats why they get treated that way. because their character pussy foots around these people grovelling like the sun wont shine without them in it. Well its been 4 yrs for me and it never going to be over I will tell you that. And the sun does shine once in a while and sometimes we have to be smart enough also to catch one of those rays and keep it for ourselves.
Sometimes its difficult to fully communicate anything to your spouse when their heads are in the gutter so to apeak another thing I learned from Dr Bob. I am not sure what high road you speak of just putting up with crap like this means you are already on the higher road. And why are you so worried if he knows what your doing and who you talk to , maybe he should know in fact you deserve him to know. why would you hide it that shows shame. dont be ashamed of your feelings if you cant share them with him also there is little point to anything. I am not trying to upset you. The courts dont give a dam about who you are seeing its only about whats yours and mine and settling things with the kids the rest is totally irrelevant .
Hes lucky you hung in for three years and I hope for your soul that youve thrown him to the dogs. Just because someone entered a marraige committment doesnt mean they should punish themselves if they cant change it. A date probably would have done him some good. No he doesnt have to drop his pants becausse he went out with her and just because she is the opposite sex doesnt mean she couldnt have just been a good friend just like a guy as without those people in our lives we could never get through these things. Theres a reason for the saying what goes around comes around if there wasnt it wouldnt be a saying Take care Dee
Oh Shennie you so miss what I was saying. I know communication is not always easy…I’m still there fighting it. What I was telling Evan was to tell her he’s moving on and is going to finalize his marriage. You need to tell your spouse that when it is clear you have made your decision to move on. Evan seems to be ready to move on. And, I fully agree with you that it’s never really over when there are children involved. But the marriage can be over and he can enter into a relationship with someone that will love him equally. Dr. Phil would even tell you not to jump into another relationship until you have finished the one you’re in. And, what I meant by him taking the High Road, is the road he is already on, he is not going to let his spouse strip him of his happiness, he see that and wants to move on. Putting up with it is not what any of us should ever settle for, trying to work it out is one thing and helping them thru it until they “get it” is sometimes what we need to do, but we should never settle for it.
As for being afraid of my spouse knowing what I’m doing, I’m not afraid of that, I told you my life is an open book. My advice to Tracy was that of one given to me by an attorney. How can your monitoring systems work, if they know about them and when to avoid them. As for the courts caring about “what you are doing” it does make a difference if you are before the courts and your spouse is trying to turn the tables on you and deem you as unfit. Pretty hard for that to ever occur if you haven’t put yourself out there for someone to make something more of something than it really was. And as far as changing it, we all have that choice to change our committment, we can do it the right way by filing for divorce or we can do it the wrong way as our spouses have done by stepping out of the committment with lies and deception while letting the other person in the committment believe that everything is fine.
I’m truly sorry that you feel that I implied that there would be any pants dropping, I was just trying to say that if the relationship materialized…on a future date things could become physical.
I’m not the least upset with your reply, I just think you mis-interrupted it and if anything I’m sorry that you did, it was not my intentions to make you or anyone feel bad, we all feel bad enough just going through what we are. Again, I’m sorry my words weren’t written very well, hopefully this reply will help clarify things.
To Dee
I am sorry I guess I did misinterpret some of what you said and I do also appreciate that you clarified it for me and thank you for that. I just know that I loved my spouse so completely also that I was willing to forgive him not just for the affair, or that it was with someone over 20 yrs younger, I was willing to forgive him also for the humiliation he put me through, the neglect, the abuse, the lack of returned love, respect , consideration, what it had done to my kids to live it etc etc. I was willing to raise the child for him that they had together, i was willing to forgive him for everything and anything. I put my heart out on the line and it was lied to cheated some more, promised to love again, there was no end to it really. Eventually I realized that if I was the only one willing to give this one sided undonditional love then what did it really mean. If I had only realized earlier that if he had felt the way I did then we wouldnt have ben in this position in the first place and by me living on hope and dreams of something that didnt exist I hurt myself even more than he did and I will never forgive myself for that. For believing in something I wanted but wasnt there in reality for if it were he would have known when it first happend and not put my life through the hell . Its never over and the hell never ends.I just think if maybe I hadnt hung onto nothing for soooo long that just maybe I could feel like a normal person somehow. Maybe i am wrong about that too. I just dont know anymore I just dont know. What I do know is that i am just so sad and my life , well I guess I just hate it and I have his unconditional love to thank for it. Thanks Dee for not being upset and for your reply.
To Tracy
Oh, my goodness … I hope that you’re stll reading this board … A digital voice recorder in his car … That’s GENIUS!! My H is on his cell phone before he gets out of the driveway, and stays in the car up to 20 minutes (on his cell) before coming in the house. He says that he’s “listening to the radio”. But I know better!
My questions are – what type of recorder did you use? Where in the world did you put it in the vehicle so that he didn’t see or hear it? Did you have any trouble hearing recordings when the radio/CD player was on? And didn’t the radio trigger the device and cause the batteries to run down and/or run out of recordable space?
I ask these questions because my H’s car is like his ‘rolling safe deposit box’. Although, unbeknowst to him, I have a set of keys, when he’s home it’s difficult for me to get in there without arousing suspicion. However, it CAN be done! :-)
I’ve been trying to squirrel away enough money to purchase one of those GPS devices that you hide under the car to track his coming and goings. But in the meantime, the voice recorder would help determine whether or not he’s still lying to me about not talking to the OW “as much as he used to”.
Trust is a big issue for me now, and I can not/will believe anything he tells me as long as he continues to have a “friendship” (sure!) with her. It really would be nice if I could confirm what my gut is telling me.
I’d truly appreciate any information you can pass along.
Thanks!
To Alone
Just go into any electronic shop and tell them your needs, like the future shop and they will direct you. Surely there is another way to find confirmation of what your gut is telling you. Do you really want to hear him pouring his heart out to the OP, will you be haunted by it for the rest of your life the things you hear.There is some merit to the less you know the better as long as you knnow enough it might be to your best interests and your mind to leave it at that. there are a ton of ways to tell if he is still lying just look back to all of Dr. bob info, I think the prob is most of us just dont want to believe its true so we keep looking for more info when we prob have enough. I only say this because something that happen to me will stick with me forever, When he left to be with this OP my kids and I were at a dance comp away for the weekend, he was mad he didnt know where we were because he was too busy tending to her and so in his madness they left a message of the two of them making love on my answering machine from beginning to end. I wish I never listened to that message because it will haunt me forever and to know how vindictive our spouses can be when they are the ones dishing it out in the first place makes me sick the total lack of everything they have come to possess to do such cruel things to others . He certainly proved himself to be not the person I knew but someone else. sometimes thats what involvement with the OP does to them it changes who they are and their values and will justify them any way they can. Hope you get confirmation for yourself so you dont have to be in limbo. Limbo does strange things to our minds and souls and causes us to question ourselves when we probably shouldnt
To Sue
I just went over all your entries and your situation is much like my own. Its been almost 4 yrs the worst of my life and I am on this blog not to save a marraige that both people were obviously not committed to but to help others to maybe save them some time and unecessary heartache that I didnt have the opportunity of. I never found these blogs when I needed them. I know you love him and will probably continue to be drawn back even if you say your done. One thing I have learned from these blogs is that everyone here has the greatest advice for others but I think that they rarely take their own advice sadly. Anyway try to detach yourself as Dr. Bob says they will drag you through it with them. They are selfish and only think of themselves as much as we wish they think of us too they will not. they will tell us they do they will keep us strung along as long as we let them because they can use our deep love for them to do this. But if you allow it I have come to learn through my own experience you will only hurt more in the end . The longer we drag it out the less chance there is for recovery. I believe recovery is only possible if it is done right away. Yeah I suppose there are some who wait a long time and think its going to happen but the longer the time the more total recovery is not possible but merely a hope that does not really exist. Look to your own words of advice to others and in that you should take your own advice that is the hardest thing for people to do, because often they give it but cannot do it themselves. Sue dont let this person keep you hanging on forever I did and I paid a bigger price for it. Dont let them squash your soul and smash your heart I did, I believed when I shouldnt have and I fell for the false words and promises. Find a purpose for your life and go headstrong into it because it may be the only thing that saves you because he will not, he is only concerned with saving himself. And you are rite you set the example for your kids. Its kinda funny how kids have more insight than we give credit for. One of my children made a comment to me when this happened. I told them he wanted to come back and that I was considering letting him but needed their input. My daughter said “dont you dare take him back just like that” I just looked at her dumbfounded like dont you want your parents back together and she said not this way and that I should sit back and not be a beggar. Looking back her words were so right because I think she must have seen or known more than I gave her credit for. I didnt really take her advice initially because I just thought she was a kid and didnt know what was best, Looking back she was smarter than her years .
You will never be the person in life you were meant to be if you go back and it will always interfere with your relationship and in the end you will have wasted so much of lifes precious time. Time that alot of people do not have the opportunity to waste. Take care of your kids but mostly take care of yourself because NO ONE else will, Kids grow up and move on with their own lives and if you hang on to your life with them too much you will end up empty. You deserve to be with someone who is more like you in the end your children wont respect you if you cant respect yourself enough to find someone to love you like they do. We cant live for them if we cant live for ourselves and if we dont we have taught them nothing in the end.
I so hope you save yourself time and see it all for what it really is . Be selfish for you for once
To MS I hope to share something with you that for either way your life goes. I am a male and over 20 yrs ago my partner cheated on me with someone, she said she was genuinely sorry, it was only one night stand stuff and she did not get emotionally involved it was just for the sex. Anyhow when I found out she told me to leave and that she was sorry, I didnt want to leave as she was my love and life. She told me that she learned a valuable lesson from hurting someone so much and it was something she would never do again. She told me if I wanted to stay and move forward that I had to forgive her to really start over so I told her I would and not hold it against her. Through the years I was always suspicious checking this and that and its something I dont think a person can truly stop doing as much as they would like to. I would question her every phone call , time he departures, call to see where she was etc. we went on to have children and continued our lives. Eventually my suspicions turned to abuse meaning emotional abuse of her how she looked the way she dressed who her friends were etc. I couldnt stop no matter what, she never stepped out again for the over 20 yrs that followed, she was faithful and gave me many children, was a great mother and devoted to our family, but no matter what or how wonderful she was I couldnt let it go and allow her the chance to finally not have it held against her. She took it like a pro and took it insideof herself. She only complained when my anger got really bad. She would lash back, and I would apologize realizing what I was doing. 26 yrs later I cheated. I am not sure why but even though she was faithful I could never stop . You can never really let it go and completely forgive someone, I spent over 20 yrs of my life trying only for us both to end up apart. It never really goes away and if you cannot completely accept what happened even if you think you can. It never goes back like it used to be even if the person is 100% faithful, and somehow thats just not enough. We should have realized to find new relationships that really have new beginings because you can never really begin again. The crutch will always be there for both people forever question is do you want to carry it for life I wish I hadnt. For her sake and mine.Letting it go would have shown real love. , if you love someone set them free free not to come back but to have real love again because infidelety causes tainted real love
Shennie,
Thanks so much for the message. It is Thanksgiving night and I’ve just returned from a trip I was fortunate enough to take my kids on to take us away from this mess for the week. We all learned what I had hoped we would, but was not sure we would……..we have gained confidence and are stronger. Of course, stronger is a relative term. I’m leaving again tomorrow for my high school reunion and he is coming to stay with the kids. He decided to use our time away as a vacation (went ‘out of the country’…..won’t tell us where) with the OP. Despite many promises, did not call the kids the whole week. Mind you, he agreed to our trip saying that he hoped he could ‘figure it out’ and join us when we planned it.
They are very hurt and angry. I’m trying to detach and let the chips fall where they may. So hard. How can this happen???? You are so right. I’m trying to take my own advice and feel like I am acting, but it is so hard. I hope that time will heal and I will get there sooner. Bitterness is not something I want to hang on to, but the continual abuse of feelings is hard.
You’ve all been amazing in your advice and sharing of experiences. I am continuing to try to stay in the day and not get knotted up in the past or future. I’m praying it works in the end. I don’t want to bury my feelings under the couch, but I need to move on at the same time.
Will he figure it out??? I think he’s too scared to do so. I think he’ll try harder to make the OP work for fear of being alone. So be it. I can’t be abused and be able to make it work at the same time.
My kids have told me as much…….very clearly…..this week as well. I find it amazing that they continue to come to the same place without me saying anything. No wonder he things I’m feeding them info. Kids do know. They live with it the same as we do…..not the same, but they live with it. I just keep saying “What a shame.”
As I said before, good luck to all of us. We need the luck on top of the incredible work this emotional toll brings. If we managed to raise well adjusted kids……..wow! I pray for that more than anything else.
Have thanks for what we do have. It’s hard to see some days, but is very real.
To Sue
You are right about the alone part, my ex even said that to me once she was gone to visit her mother and left him there and he couldnt handle it for a week he said well you have the kids , sorry not the same thing dude. They have no backbone to stand alone. There neediness drives them, and its really all about them. You are right dont get knotted in the past it is exactly that the past and in reality means nothing today or tomorrow. But do relish today and look to a future somehow its hard for me to even take my own advice to because my responsibilies here are so overwhelming that it can really get me down and often.
If you really think about it in the long run, do you really want to be with someone who could do this to you. They have already broken the marraige by commiting adultery. Its like breaking a bone yes it can be repaired but will always be terribly weak and may break easily again or be susceptible to infection, disease, swelling ,arthritis.etc.
I have made some more of my own realizations lately. I have learned in life that everyone is full of words and words can sometimes mean absolutely nothing. 2 yrs ago I was talking with someone and they text me a message on my phone. I havent used this phone in a year but always remembered the message, I pulled my old phone out last night to read it , I guess I kept it for a reason. The message reads this,
“WELL SOMETIMES PEOPLE WILL SAY OR DO THINGS THEY DONT REALLY MEAN OR FEEL TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OR MAKE THE OTHER PERSON FEEL A CERTAIN WAY”
Ive never really took that message to heart but now I think I should. Life in general is full of these people and it is such crap. People think and feel something one day and another the next that to me is as wishy washy as it gets, how can anyone know what to feel when our emotions and feelings are being pushed and pulled by others mostly to their own advantage.Our ex’s are not the only people in life who are fencesitters.
This weekend is my birthday and Im hoping its not another empty holiday for me in fact because of this message I have decided to change the kind of person I am. I have begun to hate being a nice person people take advantage of your kindness, they use you till its no longer advantageous to them, nice people finish last. People are full of empty words and im not listening or taking to heart peoples words any longer, its the actions I will listen to. Even when you move on life is full of them and can be tough to weed them out. Its surprising how many people really play games with your heart , they just dont stop and think about what they are saying before they say it because you are nice enough to listen and be helpful. I dont want to be that nice person no more , Ive never been a fence sitter but this time I am jumping over to the other side, I am not going to wear my heart on my sleeve any longer and am done being nice it just doesnt pay or have any benefits at all. It will be hard to be selfish and self serving but I am determined to change who I am so others cannot constantly use my kindness and then throw it away. I would bet my last dollar you are the same think about it now dont wait it only prolongs it
I will be thinking of you and praying for you Sue. Make yourself number one not your kids there number 2, I made that mistake too and am in the middle of switching fence sides with them, one day they will be gone and I will be back to just me so it is important . Its not wrong. My aunt is a phychologist and i have had many conversations with her about this stuff, she had 8 kids and thats the way she plays the game and I am slowly learning to take my ques from her, because i see it has worked well for her and she hasnt lost who she is because her life is about her and thats how it should be, She is a more selfish, self centred person and no one takes advantage of her and thats how she has survivied and gone on to be happy. Everyone loves her and no one judges her for being this way in fact they respect her. You will make it Sue but whatever you do. do it for you not for him or the kids , they will learn from watching you and respect yoou in the long run for loving yourself and you will have taught them to love themself by example. try to keep that in mind and hold that message close to your heart as you can. Shes down for a visit and time for me to catch up with her and steal some of her strength lol
to Shennie,
(CA)
You are right actions do speak louder than words. Love is give and take not give, give give. At the same time though if your not willing to give first then you soemtimes never get the opportunity to take or be given what you need for yourself.
It’s been four years for you and it seems like you are still judging others by the actions of the one and not affording yourself the opportunity to grow past this betrayal.
There is someone out there that will love you and your children exactly as you have longed for. Don’t fear to risk that which is so golden inside of you, your heart.
Otherwise when that person becomes known you just might make the mistake of cutting them off at the knees before they are able to invest enough of themselves in you to fully appreciate all of those special qualities that are inside.
You have loved completely before. Don’t let the fear of that failure stop you from doing it again. Your values are high. Nothing wrong with that. Don’t give them the appearance of a brick wall with barbed wire at the top because no one will ever try to climb over and then who is the loser then?
I can’t and have never pretended like I don’t love my wife or don’t want us to succeed. If I have to let go of that dream then it is my sincere hope that I am able to forgive her, thus freeing myself from the burden of holding a grudge and being linked to her through my anger, and go out into the world again and find someone with values as grand as yours.
I can’t do that though until the time is right for me and hopefully I wont have that wall around my heart keeping anyone from looking at what’s inside. I will be careful as well when this time comes as should you but if you don’t take the risks you won’t ever find any gains.
Evan
He keeps saying to me he wants a divorce, he wants to buy me out of our house and he will help me with the rent when I move out. He says “he wants to be alone” and the OP is not coming to live in our house. He says he is still ringing her but not seeing her (as if I can believe that after all his lies)I have stopped ringing him during the week but he rings me up to see if I am OK. He is only home at weekends, but doesn’t pursue his hobby (motorbikes), just sits about watching what I am doing. We are in separate bedrooms, and he hides his wallet, phone etc in his room and shuts the door. I am losing patience with all this, I seem to have no life at weekend as most friends and relations steer clear, but to leave the house that we chose together and all the dreams we had have just gone down the pan will really break my heart. I am not frightened going it alone, as I nearly live on my own now, but my brain is mushy and I can’t understand why he comes home at weekends, rings me up when he wants rid of me. Any ideas anyone? One minute I think he is starting to think about getting together again and then the next he doesn’t. I’m going nuts with this situation.
Well hello everyone,
I am so happy that i finally took a chance and read through the blogs. Wow !!!! So many people are experiencing the same things that i am and while I know its hard — I feel a little relieved as I can read your entries and take a little advice. Its a little lonely sometimes, you can’t tell everyone what you are experiencing — but somehow, everyone else seems to be doing better than you are. My H has been involved with a younger w for almost four years now. We separated for @ one year before that because of his depressions & my early menopause (I couldn’t have sex early on). This also came after nine years of my tolerating various affairs, however, once we married — he remained monogamous for the first five years of it. Once I decided to leave him – he decided to get another person (younger & same birth day). During that period I have been harrassed by her and he has even answered his cell phone in my face when she called.
Fast forward to today — I had to press charges on the op who verbally harrassed me and even stalked me.
Long and short of it is that I want out. He wont go. We have a son (10yrs old). We own the home together. For @ one year now he stays at the op every other nite. Some days are torture and the nites are hell, however, I am finding strength and believe that it will be over very soon. I’m glad I read about ‘detaching yourself’ because that is what I have been trying to do. Its very hard sometimes though — when he is adament about returning every other day. Sometimes I feel like driving until I cant drive anymore, however, I know that there is another more beautiful life for me after this. I love my son and my career. Throwing my energies into each does help sometimes, but, believe me — sometime I seethe & can’t soothe the pain.
We get along sometimes, then other times are very bad. I have become physically abusive to him when arguments happen.
Please pray for me. I know that this is not the way my life should be.
Shennie or any one else that is still listening………
I have gotten so much stength from this blog. However, I’ve just gotten home from my 25th high school reuion……great in so many ways, but so sad too. And my husband was with the kids in my house. I say my house because that is what is has become. He insisted on having dinner and I was too weak to deny. I was strong enough to say what needed to be said, but am left feeling very hurt.
Seeing him again is not OK. I know this web site is set up for how to make it work for us………whatever that means. However, the in between is so painful. He’s trying to string me along all the while not believing he is doing so. I’m fighting it, but all the while wondering what it is that I really want. He is crying and I am strong. He leaves and I am crying. What does all this mean??? No one really knows, but I am left in misery.
And what will my son say to his sleep over friend who doesn’t know? No dad in the AM. Too much to deal with.
I guess I’m serving papers as soon as possible, but not feeling good about it. How could this happen to a ‘happy family’…….things were not rosy, but not so bad either. Is she worth it??? I guess so. I will never understand that. Espescially when he doesn’t either. Maybe that is the answer. He is so driven by her that the rest doesn’t really matter.
So sad. I hope someone reads this, but if not still so good to write it out.
Again………..good luck to us all.
Evan
He says although he has forgiven me for all those times that we quarrelled and fought, he cannot forget. He said I and all those quarrels and fights had driven him to ‘bitterness’ and he can never be the same again with me.
Evan, are men so unforgiving in heart ? Or has he really found an op who has no temper in her, who will not quarrel and fight with him ?
Guess that means ‘the end’ doesn’t it ?
It’s so heartbreaking, I was hoping and praying that we could start all over…
Any advice, anyone please ?