My husband admitted to the affair, but yet he still continues to contact this person and has asked me to be patient. He said he will need to get her “out of his system” and to give him some time. How do you handle that?
My Response:
Ending the relationship with the OP is often a gradual process.
For example, in the 7th kind of affair I describe (I want to be close to someone…which means I can’t stand intimacy), ending the affair often takes time. Yes! No! On again! Off again is the scenario.
Affairs also lolly gag for those who are “in love”…and just love being “in love” or My Marriage Made me Do it.
So, in particular kinds of affairs, expect a roller coaster ride. You don’t have to like it. But be prepared. Breaking off an affair relationship, as in no more contact, may take weeks.
So, let’s assume this is your case. Here are a few things to do:
1. You are entitled to set some limits. Keep clarifying the limits, but don’t make them ultimatums. You don’t want to paint yourself into a corner, especially with this kind of affair. Experiment with phrases such as: “This is extremely difficult for me. I refuse to share you with another person. And, I know it is difficult for you. But, at some point I will draw a line in the sand.”
2. “Get at” the specific issues. Ask, “What does it mean to “get it out of your system?” What are a couple or three things you need to “get it out of your system?” (If he/she is open to this exploration, the prognosis is good.)
3. If he/she is reluctant to go there, throw out suggestions. “Is he/she controlling you?” (very often the case). “Does it feel good to be wanted by two people?” “Waffling like this seems to be theme in your life?” “Are you afraid to face the hurt? Are you afraid to lose something?” Allow your voice to trail at the end. Do not be dogmatic. Open the door for discussion.
4. See this as his/her problem. (I know! I know! Easier said than done!) Define your standards. Get your personal needs met. Begin to design the future for you. And tell him/her, “I would like to make it with you, but if not, I will certainly create something wonderful for me.”
5. Notice the changes in your relationship. Do you see a movement toward what you really want? Are patterns changing? Is their more effective, in-depth, heartfelt communication? Sometimes the larger picture is comforting.
6. Surround yourself with people who accept and listen to you. Friends/family often blurt out: Get rid of the #$%#$! They fail to understand the complexity and long-term process.
Remember, affairs are exceedingly complex and don’t go away easily. You will never forget, although the pain and memories fade over time. As well, it takes, on the average, 2-4 years for most couples to work through effectively the trauma.
My husband has been in an affair since I was 6 weeks pregnant with our first child. we have only the one and his affair is with a former friend of mine. She went after him although i blame them both equally. He confessed almost 3 months ago. The affair has been going on for almost 2 1/2 years. We tried for a few weeks but he contacted her again. I guess my upset and his missing her was too much for him. He lived here for a little over another month until 2 weeks ago and he packed a bag and left to stay with her. He says he needs to sort out his feelings for me. He thought he didn’t care about me and now realizes he does but he is still living there. We are still close friends with daily contact and are affectionate and intimate. I am in counseling but don’t know what to do on a daily basis. I want to give him the time but my pride and heart are hurting. I don’t know what to do.
Needs time to get her out of his system?……That’s simply a very old line which actually translates into: They need time to change their M.O. and better cover their tracks.
It more “importantly”, buys both of them more time to develop THEIR relationship while offering their respective marriages only superficial lies and
deceit. Then they both eventually claim the affair is over and the spouse believes them…..Till STD’s
emerge
Would rather see some constructive advice as to how to demonstrate trust while avoiding sexually transmitted diseases. If the innocent spouse requests condoms, he/she is accused of “not being forgiving/trusting” Not serious about working on the marriage or worse: perhaps being unfaithful.
Must an innocent spouse contract AIDS in order to prove something to the cheating spouse?
I’ve been living this roller coaster ride for almost a year now. We still live together, but my husband keeps his secret relationship with the OW.
Lately I’ve realized that I have never gotten a straight answer to my questions. It is as if he’s leading a double life- even to the point where I get the same present as the OW gets….
I’ve crossed a few dark valleys and I am prepared to cross a few more. About a week ago I decided not to fight it anymore. Things are the way things are. No use to pretend that there will be a solution any time soon. I decided to have my own “good-bye” party. I cried and mourned and drank some good wine and decided to let him go. Not that I want a divorce right now, but in my mind, in my heart and in my soul I need to let him go. There is life out there, there is support out there (I just have to find it)and I’m determined to reclaim some of it and become the best person I’m meant to be with or without him.
Hurting,
My heart breaks for you. I’ve been in the same position and no matter HOW you cut it – IT HURTS!
However, at some point in time you have to start taking care of yourself and your child and making decisons based on what it RIGHT for you!
Surround yourself with SUPPORTIVE friends and family who will allow you to just talk AND be honest with you. Once you’ve had a chance to try and get your feet on the ground again, listen to your support system and your heart. Sometimes people outside of the situation SEE things much more clearly and its VITAL that you listen to them with an open mind. Let them play “Devil’s Advocate” if you will.
For me there was no question that I would ever take him back (multiple affairs during our entire marriage and before…that I had no idea of) but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t times of exteme hurt and pain. A marriage has died and needs to be mourned just as you would mourn any death in your life.
What I have a little trouble understanding is that you still consider yourself “close friends” with him who have “daily contact and are affectionate and intimate”……this man has been having an affair w/a former friend of yours! Other than the contact you must have because you have a child together…WHY would you want to be friends with someone who has betrayed you and continues to betray you?
He says he needs to “sort out his feelings” for you?? Sort out YOUR own feelings…..USE your support system…and MOVE ON! Waiting for him to come back and resume whatever type of relationship you had (WHY would you want to do that??)is a precious waste of your life!! YOU DECIDE what is to happen! This is YOUR LIFE you are speaking about and YOU have the right to reach out and decide what is best for YOU!! Based on what is best for you and your child.
He ISN’T WORTH the agony you are putting yourself through! Take steps to get your life back on track! Stop waiting around for a loser to come back and take advantage of you again! He gave no thought to breaking your wedding vows and pleasing himself – while you were home taking care of his child and his home.
Stay in counseling (if you are comfortable w/the counselor..if not – FIND ANOTHER! bad counseling is worse than none at all!!) Go and see a lawyer and find out what your rights are! Find out EXACTLY what you should do NOW to protect yourself and your child. It will give you something constructive to do and will save you HOURS of hassle should you decide to proceed w/divorce.
I divorced my husband after nearly 29 years of marriage. I truely never thought it would come to that – and fought like a tiger to keep the marriage going. UNTIL I found out that he was cheating. For me there were two things that I would never tolerate – and could never forgive….cheating or abuse.
It was a long and difficult 2 1/2 years between seperation and divorce – and I made ALOT of mistakes along the way – in a legal sense – BUT it was the best decison I’ve made in 25 years! I know you may not believe it now…(I didn’t either in the throws of seperation and divorce) BUT you will be HAPPY again!! I am…and once I threw him out – I never looked back! I’m happier than I’ve been in years…and so are my kids!
HANG IN THERE! Best of luck…God Bless
I have been married for 19 years. I found out two years ago that my husband was secretly calling a friend of mine. He promised to stop calling and he did it again, then I got his phone records and he did it a third time. We split up and I took him back. After three months I found a different phone he was hiding that he used just to call her. He finally admitted to sleeping with her. I have since separated and he bought a condo because he refused to talk about divorce. We are still separated and I have found out that he still calls and sees her. You are so young. Get out while you can. I hate to say this but once a cheat, most likely always a cheat. Sorry.
My husband started up an affair with a woman he had a 2 night stand with in college. He left his college town to come back to me and we eventually got married. He has been in contact with this woman a few times during our marriage of 10 yrs then during the 11th year they began an affair. I have read the emails and she was very blunt about what she wanted, just to be his mistress when he was on the road traveling. Well it went on that way for 5 or 6 months then I had our 6th child and he took a new position inhis company that meant little or no travel. They however continues their affair and 6 months later I found a text on his phone, “Missing you”. That was 4 mos ago and they are still seeing eachother, texting everyday, emailing, calling, etc. He has spent 3 weekends with her since I found out. She lives on the east coast and we live in the midwest. Our relationship has gotten better but he is refusing to give her up and doesn’t want to leave our marriage either. I had not kept to the remaining the constant, remaining calm, and had just been getting angrier and angrier and now I have decided to take the high road and be more happy on a daily basis. I had been protecting him from my feelings by just getting angry instead, I have now let him in and told him and showed him how painful this is to me. I had been seeing a IC but felt I had done all I could with her until I made a decision about what I wanted to do, and I am not prepared for that. I have let go of the anger toward him, though some things he has said to me replay over and over in my head and they make me angry, but what I cannot get over is the anger and hatred toward her. I actually hope I never do.
Dear hurting
just move on and do your own thing, if you are pregnant and he is putting you through this now imagine what hell do when your not carrying his child. The best thing for you to do is move forward at least there is only one child what will happen if you take him back and there are more children down the road at least you have a chance to start fresh with someone. You are worth more than that and someone will see that, maybe if you showed and interest in someone else or something else you wont appear needy to him because you are giving him too much power by being affectionate with him and he prob is with her too so he has the best of both worlds dont give him that power he doesnt deserve it let her have him he willprob do the same to her one day too and you deserve better and now is your chance to do it for yourself. I was left with 6 so you dont want to end up in that position because chances are if you stay with him you will. Have faith in yourself that you are better than that. Chin up and move forward and fill your life with things that make you happy during this time and keep the power in your own backyard
Hurting, So sorry. My H says he realized when I was pregnant with our only child that “I didn’t love him like he loved me.” He shared that information on the day he told me “The passion is gone. I only want to wait until [son] is out of the house and then I plan to move out and live on my own.”
There was an other woman and there still is.
He wasn’t ready to break off all contact until after I served him divorce papers and he had paid a deposit on an apartment.
At that time, he had become so heartless and cold that I refused his offer to never see the OW or her family again.
It is painful now, we’re nearly divorced, but it isn’t as agonizing as when we lived in the same house and he was on the phone with her from 5:45 a.m. and through the day until midnight.
Your husband is fence sitting and cake eating. I know exactly the degree of pain. Wish I had something helpful for you.
I believe when someone is pursued, they only run faster. He knows he has you BOTH. I know it’s hard [I’ve been dealing with my husband having an affair for 4 years. I’ve moved out twice and couldn’t stop doing what you’re doing…daily contact, being available whenever he wants, intimacy, etc. – fear of pushing him away and him choosing the OP – WRONG!] So WHY would your husband HAVE to make a decision? He has both a wife and a girlfriend and is probably very happy having 2 women catering to his every need. My advice is to NOT do what I’ve done – the pain is only prolonged. Don’t answer his calls, don’t answer the door if he comes over, don’t be available … always have plans with a girlfriend, parents, etc. Don’t try to make him think You have found someone else – keep YOUR standards high. Don’t be mean – just DON’T BE AVAILABLE! A person always wants what he can’t have! Let him think that you CAN live without him – even if that’s not what you believe. Keep strong!
My husband also cheated on me after 9 years being together, I found out 3 months after he said he’s not happy in the relationship anymore. He denied having someone else, but I found out through his cell phone that he’d sent a lot of intimate messages. She knew that he was still married to me. He was planning to move in with her as her tenant in the basement suite, and he told me that she was only gonna be his landlord. But he couldn’t deny it once I told him that I read their messages to each other. He left that night and moved in with her 3 days later. I personally think that he is a very selfish man by leaving his wife and kids for another woman. For what? Being with someone else and raising her kids as his own, while his own kids are with his wife and only have his kids every second weekend? I don’t get it. I will not want to live with someone who is that selfish, so he did me a favour by leaving me. I know for fact that things happen for reasons. Whatever happened to me in the past, it made me a stronger person and good things always happened to me everytime, although at the time I felt miserable. So to women out there whose husbands cheated on them, don’t worry… things will be better and good things will happen to you. Please do not tolerate his behaviour and be strong.
As soon as I drew the line and said that he could do what he wants to do, but eventually, I am going to have enough and then I’m going to do what I need to do for me and for the kids the whole situation changed for the better.
The more that I catered to him and “tried” to understand him and be his friend and support him through HIS difficult emotions, feelings, and needs, the more he kept me at a distance and kept contact with OW.
When I changed that to making him responsible for his own actions and choices, and voiced that there will come a point that I will not tolerate it any longer and that I will make changes and decisions on my own, he gradually stopped talking to her altogether to include avoiding her on his own. (It was an emotional affair that had just started to become somewhat phsyical — kissing — through work.)
Once I let him know there will come a point, he wanted to know exactly what that point was. Why? So that he could do anything/everything UP TO that point and still have things go his way. I refused to tell him what that point was. I refused to give him a deadline, or to tell him what exactly was going to be the line in the sand, or what would end it for me. Honestly, I didn’t know myself. But, I did know myself enough to know that once I reached that point, I would know it and go forward with my life on my own.
He knew me enough to know that by not giving him an answer to his question, I was serious and he would lose me. Once he had to face the thought of losing me, his family, his comfortable atmosphere, his life as he knew it, then the prospect of a life unknown held much less appeal then it did while he was still safe in his own environment.
One year later … SHE still tries contact with him through work every few months, HE doesn’t allow it. There are times when he is in a situation with others around where she initiates conversation with him, he leaves it at business and takes himself away from the situation as soon as he can. He doesn’t understand why he even contemplated leaving, only that there were other things going on with him, and us (his health … young, active 35, and diagnosed with a lifetime illness that will get worse with time and having a young toddler that took up my time and energy), that we have since recognized so they are no longer an issue. Not only was I of the opinion that he would never have done something like that, but … so was he. However, neither of us was very educated on what a relationship was really about either. While we are both in our late 30s, we were pretty stupid on that end. Our relationship is much better and stronger now than it was not only before the EA, but before we got married, after we got married, etc. because now we know what we cannot do and things that we need to continue to do to ensure both of our EMOTIONAL NEEDS are always taken care of. Before affair, neither of us had any concept of what an emotional need was, or that both parties could have a total different need than the other.
If you are in this situation, you cannot allow yourself to be a doormat. Take pride in yourself, stand up for yourself. Doesn’t mean that you have to be a mean person to the one you love, or feel is your best friend, it just means that you have to allow them to see what life would be without you, or in a different environment from what they are comfortable in.
As long as you allow them to stay comfortable, they will never make a change and the situation will remain as is.
I need advice and support on how I can become detached from my husband while we continue to live together. And has anyone has success after her husband’s multiple backslides – meaning he finally did stop all contact with OW? If so, was there something you did or did not do that helped get him there? And how do you know he isn’t just getting better at covering his tracks?
For over 3 years my 63 year old husband has been involved in a mostly emotional long distance affair with a woman our daughter’s age who has bilked us of a lot of money, which of course we have to report on our income taxes, an additional pain for me. He has had a very limited amount of sex with her, but enough that he now has Genital Herpes. He sees my pain and he repeatedly promises he has ended all contact, but then just tries another method of deceit. My situation is further complicated because he has a very serious illness. In the last 2 years I have moved him out twice, each time within a few days he was asking me to take him back. Each time I refused for 6-8 weeks telling him to be very certain what/whom he wants. Please understand that I did not agree to take him back on a whim, we used a written contract for the terms of reconciliation, which he breached as soon as he moved back home. He plays off his back foot telling himself since he continues to call her then he must truly love her. Multiple counselors haven’t helped him because he lies to them too and then stops appointments when each has cornered him. I have tried every book and every professional’s theory to care for myself and to have my behavior impact his behavior – being patient; using tough love; setting boundaries; being unavailable…you name it. For the last few months I have told him he really should go be with her and let her take care of him. He insists he wants to stay with me and rebuild our relationship, but what he really wants is for me to ignore the affair while providing him everything I alway provide as an attractive, adoring and attentive spouse. I feel like “an enabler” to his fantasy life. My moving out is inadvisable for legal and financial reasons, which brings me back to seeking your advice on being detached while being present. Please send me your thoughts on how I can get there?
You want to stay with a man who abuses you like this? The reason he cannot stop is because the sex is so good with this other person. He is not going to go on the spiritual path when his physical lust overrules his ego.
Dump him. He is not going to stop until you throw him out and initial a divorce. He will come crying back and swear it is over, but a cheater always cheats. If he stays with you, he will dream of being with other women. Raise your self esteem, honey, and end this tragic painful trap that you are in.
When you close this door, new ones, in time will open for you.
I am sorry for this pain, but the more you listen to his excuses, and allow him to stay, the more he will continue to abuse you. This is abusive.
Lin
In my case, he claimed all he’d have to do is spend one day talking with her in some public place, he’d have his “closure” (whatever that means!) and that would be the end of their contact. One year later, they’re still exchanging syrupy emails & IM’s. Arrgghhh!!! He’s finally been issued an ultamatim: her or me. How this pans out remains to be seen. Prayers, thoughts & good energy are welcome!
It’s comforting to know I’m not the only person feeling this hurt. My wife has had an affair with an old high school friend for 18 months now. It’s been in the open for 8 months. We have been married 13 years and have 3 children together. I am not living at home right now.
It’s been difficult to say the least. I don’t and never have wanted a divorce and she say’s the same. I think the biggest problem for me isn’t the affair itself, that she is adamant is not being pursued for sex, but some other uncomprehendable and undefined reason, but rather the lies and dishonesty surrounding the affair.
I’m a good looking guy, if I do say so myself, I have a great job (cop), wonderful children and high self esteem. I do and have, ALWAYS, legitimately loved my wife. She is more then a person to me but a dream that I have that occupies my time on this earth until the end. The thought of passing from this world one day and not having her beautiful brown eyes looking down on me, troubles me to very depths of my soul.
That being said, my biggest problem is not the physical act of the affair, not that it is acceptable and doesn’t hurt me, but the level of disrespect a person must demonstrate in order to initiate, participate in and maintain an affair. She is a solid type #7,(can’t stand intimacy)and I would just like to be valued and respected enough for a decision to be made.
If her paramour is sufficiently valued enough to risk our family and home, then embrace it allready. Not doing so is unfair and makes it difficult for someone who is trying to believe in you. It’s just plain wrong as everyone reading this surely knows. Take a stab at making this relationship work with the O/P. Go be happy. Have fun.
Thats really what this is all about after all. Our marriage has leveled, as all mariages do, with responsibility and child raising, careers etc., and will have ups and downs. What the affair provides is a sence of excitement and chemical changes in the brain and body that come with new relationships.
Fine, go, do, live and enjoy. If you are to weak minded to be able to control these feelings and do what is needed to re-awaken them in your own marriage then so be it. Doesn’t mean I have to like it or embrace it.
You should at least, as the weak minded person you have shown yourself to be, have enough love and respect for your husband or wife to give them direction in their lives when they are trying so desperately to find it for themselves and are not able to get off center for themselves.
That’s my problem in a nutshell. I love her and keep trying to believe because I can’t get off center. I want my marriage and haven’t been able to let go. Show some pride in yourself women and you let me go. I will cry. I will mourn. I will stand up and live again.
If you don’t love me enough to stop this insanity then at least love me enough to let me go. Who do you think you are to continue to lie and cheat on someone who loves you so much and has for so long. I haven’t been able to let go of you because I love you. You haven’t been able to stop or let go of me, not because you don’t love me, but because you don’t respect me enough to make a decision.
What God has put together, let no man seperate. Both of you will surely have to answer for this one day on another level that is just to scary to contemplate.
What kind of a man is this anyway. He has been the O/P for 18 months knowing that you have a husband and children who will never embrace him. How could they. You have destroyed any chance of ever having a healthy family with this O/P as well with your lies so why prolong the inevitable.
The only issue before you is, Do You Want to Save Your Marriage. If NO, then let go. If you don’t know then care enough to go anyway. If YES, then what the heck are you waiting for.
Evan
I’ve been marrried 25 years, 4 years ago my hisband got in touch wit his old high school girlfriend and went as far as going cross to the west coast to see her and they became sexual active. he brought her a ring for Christmas and has lied to me about other times he has seen her. I am done. The thought of potentially exposing me to std’s and even aids. Suddenly there are people in my life that I don’t even know to me he has no value for my life. If he was to screw up his that’s one thing but when to take MY life and play rulette. I am not dealing with a caring , loving person.. I am dealing with a selfish, inconsiderate, mean individual who is not worth a any tear I may cry.. I trusted him and look where it got me. I never once went out of my marriage. I took my vows seriously. The only thing I got out of my marriage was 3 wonderful children. I hope he gets what he deserves.
After finding out about my husband’s affair 6 months ago — with a woman half his age, I have finally told him to just go. Don’t call me, don’t ask to see me. This affair has been going on for 1-year now. He does business out of our hometown where we have another house and that is where he meets her when she is on a break from University. I finally have closure and feel at peace with myself. I don’t know what my future holds, but I know it will not hold a future where I am being treated like garbage, lied to, deceived and betrayed. My counselor has suggested a book called, “Rebuilding.” I feel such a wonderful sense of relief that this is finally over for me. He asked if I would consider talking to him about “us” if he can bring closure to the affair. I will see what stage I am at in my life at that time — go guarantees, no promises. My heart goes out to everyone who is going through this right now. May peace be with you all.
Dear Evan,
I say “ditto” to every word of your remarks. So far as I know, my husband’s “emotional affair” began around this time last year, while I was pregnant with our first child. Your thoughts echo mine. I don’t wish to be strung along. I’ve tried a few of Dr. Bob’s strategies and feel a bit of progress has been made. Even if it doesn’t work out, I know I feel stronger and more in control. I will no longer mope! I’m strong and will get through this with or without him.
I’ve known about the OP for almost 6 months now and sex or not it’s hell. The lies and deceit are what kill me. Not knowing some of the details is still eating at me. I’m not sure I believe him that it hasn’t gone beyond kissing so I’m doing the responsible thing and will have myself checked.
I’ve been feeling close to saying “I’m done”. It’s nearing time to draw my line in the sand. I need to stand up for me because no one can do it for me. I want to be a mom my son can be proud of, not a doormat. Before, the thought of losing him was too scary to think about. Now, continuing my life as is, is scarier than starting over. Also, the thought of anyone finding out was too humiliating to imagine. Now, I could care less about keeping his dirty little secret away from ANYONE. When I tell him this, I know that it will shake him to his core – just like my discovery of this relationship shook me to mine.
Chin up everyone! May we all find more peace each day.
Elizabeth
I don’t know how you all have lasted so long! That is what scares me to death. Staying in this hell any longer than necessary. I ‘knew’ for 2 months (it turns out 1 month after the affair really hit its stride) before I truly knew. I confronted…my intuition was there…but that was it. No hard facts, and all easily reasoned away. I’ve known for over 2 months now. Told him to move out after 2 weeks. He did and moved in with her. She is almost 20 years younger and we have a 20 year relationship. I know her, and have met her since. There is no question in my mind that they will crash and burn, but so what? If they continue to hold on that means nothing to me and my kids. We have to move on.
He continues to be a true mess. Most of what he says and does borders on crazy. Noone is our lives can believe this has happened to us. Clearly we missed the signs. We are doing all that I can think of in hopes of the chance to work at our family, but he is totally driven by her. I’m contstantly moving toward being ‘done’. I have to for my own sanity and the sake of our kids. How can I be a role model if I allow myself to be treated this way? He is loving and caring in front of the kids (and otherwise), but that is equally confusing….let’s face it, actions speak the loudest and who is he spending his nights with?
The kids know the situation……turns out they ‘knew’ before I did. What gets me is not the trust (that is a real issue), but the lack of respect for me, our kids, and the bond we’ve had for 20 years. He is a true wreck, but is so afraid of being alone that I believe this will continue because he sees no out. There, of course, is so much more to the story. The bottom line is that if I don’t move on, I am allowing him not to either…….never mind the internal damage to myself and subsequent damage to our kids.
My current hell is how to break away from our relationship and the comfort of the friendship while allowing the kids to get what they need from him. I truly feel crazy myself at times. But as I said……..how have you all done it for so long? I can’t imagine and am afraid of living this way another 2 months from now…….never mind a year! Is there anyone out there who feels the ambivelence, but has taken the steps knowing that they must live? I know some of you have, but it seems it took longer and I wonder if I am being rash or smart. Feelings are feelings and we can’t barrel through them. However, we have to go through them..no getting around them, try as we might. I’ve been put in this situation and have no choice. I want to save the marriage if I can, but move on if I can’t……..and all without delay. I know. Two opposing views. HELP!!!! The misery is unbearable.
Evan, I understand perfectly. Your words are so well spoken and heartfelt. My situation is exactly the same. Husband on the fence, can’t make a decision, lies and deceit for so long I can’t remember when I was a happy and confident woman. After 20 years and 17 being married, 3 children, he is ready to throw his family away. The OP has already gotten a divorce and has two children. How can my husband throw his own children away and raise someone else’s? He has moved out to live with a friend and is seeing her more than us. My heart tells me to hang in there and he will come around. My head says file papers to protect us. I too, cannot imagine leaving this world without him. At some point, I know the hurt will be so bad it will be replaced with anger. Maybe that is a good thing as it will help push us forward. I pray he comes to his senses and gets over this midlife crisis. Says he loves me and is sorry. Not sorry enough to end the affair. We had such a good marriage before he met her. We are both in therapy. I hope some good comes out of this because the kids are really hurting and acting out. I am left with kids, bills, the house, no job while he has a career, girlfriend, no responsibilities. People that do this are so SELFISH.
My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 8 of those. We have 2 children 7 and 15. I recently found out about a women at his work he has been talking to on his cell phone. I never really worried about her because she was older and had been married for 20 years and goes to church every time the doors are open. What a fool I was! He wanted to seperate before I found out about all the calls and emails to see if he still was in love with me. He had fallen out of love with me, he said. This women works with him, right by his side, he says he’s not in love with her and they are just friends. It is just someone for him to talk to because he has no family or friends here to talk too. That is true, we live in TN and his family is from TX and he has no friends. He’s not really a nice guy. We have not had a great marriage but it’s not been all bad either. We both have out faults in the marriage, to have caused all of this but now it’s time to make a real decision. He does’nt know if he wants to work the marriage out or leave and he is still calling her, he says the friendship will die out on it’s own if I would just let it but I want him to stop all contact outside of work.
I have been thru the hurt and pain and I’m willing to forgive him and work on the marriage but he’s not sure if he wants to. I have kicked him out once but let him come back and I want him to leave know if he does’nt want to stop calling her but he says lets get thru the holidays and see where we stand then. I told him I wanted to start the new year off together or get on with my life. He says lets prepare for the worst and hope for the best. We have had alot of really good moments and have been more playful and have had more sex than since I can remember. It all just does’nt make a whole lot of sense. I just don’t know what to think sometimes but the one thing I do know is that I am to good for this and I deserve better than a husband that calls other women, like he has been calling her. I can handle friendships but this is rediculous.
Any advice, please leave it!
Tracy
My husband had an affair with a co-worker and it was going on almost 1-2 years from what I gather. We are still together but it was not easy. I was on an emotional rollercoaster. I didn’t like myself, who I was becoming, i felt like I was this poor little pathetic mother of three young children with no hope. He finally admitted to the affair(only after i caught him)and that he wanted his family. But, sad to say it did not go that easy. He still continued the affair at work because they were still co-workers and are still co-workers to this day. What bothers me the most is that I don’t have any way of knowing if it’s finally over or am I still being deceived. I can get past all that other stuff, but just don’t string me along and go to work and have your cake and ice cream and then come home and play daddy and husband. I don’t trust him again yet and that’s to be expected but the question still haunts me everyday of, “what’s going on at work”? I guess my question is can at work affairs truly end(even though you are seeing this person everyday) or are they just being more discrete and careful? I do know and believe that everything done in the dark shall come to light. Tring to stay strong!
Tammy, read as much as you can about affairs. READ, READ, READ. There is information out there about affairs and how they are like addictions. More likely, your husband has not ended the affair because he is still seeing her every day. As an addiction, he cannot get away from it without extreme measures. My husband is an addictive personality and he is addicted to the OP. Please don’t fool yourself about this. I was fooled for a year thinking everything was back to normal. However, he had just become an expert in deceit. He has now left. I know this is extremely hard. My heart goes out to you. But please don’t be fooled. Dig around and find out what you can because you will have to face it eventually anyway. I hate to be negative, I just don’t want to see another person duped like I was. We have each other to lean on including friends and family.
Thank you for all your words and support. I too have told him I’m done and asked him if he is ready to let go because I refuse to continue like this. He says he thought he was ready to move on and that moving out would be the answer. He now realizes he is more unsure than ever. But is not ready to move back in, in case he flips and does it to me again. He says things are not all happy and sappy at the girlfriend’s apartment but in my opinion, it’s not so bad that he’s left either. He says he is miserable and conflicted. Well, now so am I. I have a life and a lot to offer. He told his therapist that I am attractive and intelligent and a great catch. Which scares him even more because he knows I am confident enough to move on but I want to give this ample time before I leave my marriage. I do love him.
I have my own business which I run from my home, college educated, fit and attractive, I am involved in the community through voluneertism, I have many friends, I dance competitively and am family focused. The OW has no friends, no education, 9 to 5 job with no room for advancement and has left her family. What mothers walks out on her kids. She does nothing except visit her kids and sit around the apartment looking at my husband watch television. Of course he’s not that happy. But I am ready to let him live in his own misery. I know I can survive, I just didn’t want to leave the man who has been my friend for 20 years behind to make the biggest mistake of his life. He is suffering from a mild depression and is in therapy. Do I wait it out to see if the therapy continues to help him or get out and save myself? I change my mind daily…
Hurting,
My message above was my first. I didn’t know where to start. I could have written your note myself. The only difference is the OP in my case is single, in her 20s and can’t wait to have that family. I think I’m taking the road of moving forward for myself in hopes that therapy will work for him in the meantime. However, I do think it is an addiction of sorts and I don’t know if he is strong enough to move on. He is in tremendous pain, but I won’t let that pain continue to be inflicted on myself and my children. But what a great life we could have if we had the opportunity to go forward……….it is so hard to lose my best friend.
I was told by my older sona bout my husbands affair after he moved out. I was shocked when he told me she was a stripper half his age and she had a 6 yr old son and is still married. We have a 5 yr old daughter and they both go to the same school and I am forced to see her ugly face everyday I pick my dughter up or drop her off in the morning. He ahd been seeing her for 6 months before he moved out and he has since moved back home 3 months ago. I feel more hatred toward her then him which I suppose is easy to do since we are back together. She knew about me and my daughter before it all happened and she has a history of doing this even at her young age. I don’t know if the affair has stopped my instincts say no but I have yet to see proof of this maybe I’m just paranoid. We are going to counseling and we have had some signs of improvement in our relationship but it is still very hard and I’m not so sure I can feel comfortable with him not knowing if it is truly over or not. He worls nights and is home so would have a hard time planning or fitting in time to see her. Please if anyone has any words of wisdom enlighten me…
When the one having the affair continually comes back and says how much they love us, they can’t imagine a life without us, etc., etc., we all need to take a step back and realize that it is just another form of manipulation. Yes the future is scary. But do we really want to have a future with someone who continually treats us like garbage? They don’t need to continue a relationship with the OP to sort out their feelings … that’s a croc. See them for what they are which is nothing less then immature, selfish, self-centered and arrogant. Best friend? Is this what you would normally look for in a best friend? Mourn the loss of what you once had, but it’s a new day. Who cares if he is in pain … he owns it, not you.
Why do all the people that are willing to be loyal and faithful to their partners always end up with these cheaters? How did we get these jerks? I’m willing to move on and try to love again but how do I make sure I don’t end up with another cheater?
Elizabeth and Jean,
I find it profound how much having my comments responded to in this blog in a direct manner,use of my name, gives me a sence of belonging or membership.
I so appreciate your comments and draw strength from each knowing that I am not the only person in this world experiencing this chaos in my life. How sad that we have been forced to reach out to other human beings in this world to draw strength from since our hearts have been reduced to a status bordering upon non existence in our own marriages.
My hat is off to you both. You sound like strong minded and determined women and don’t forget, your not the one’s who are broken, they are. You love, you feel, you desire and you commit fully to something larger then your-selves. You care for the welbeing of your children and try to provide them with peace in the only world that they have known since their births. How lucky they are to have you.
There was life before this betrayal and there WILL be life after. Most of life is chance you know. From that first meeting to the traffic light that holds you an extra 5 minutes and completely changes your day.
Take a chance on yourselves. Live your lives day by day knowing that you will find happiness again. Just listening to your words assures me that there are women in this world who think as I do and if my spouse won’t get her butt off the fence I’m just going to have to stand up and go find one.
Children are strong. Much stronger then any of us. They take life one day at a time not thinking about tommorrow and I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from that.
So take a chance and lay down your pain for a minute. Stop thinking about tommorrow and see where life takes you. Who know’s, maybe life and Gods plan, in it’s so mysterios design will make our paths cross and we will find peace and harmony in our lives once again. We haven’t lost our spouses. We have lost ourselves and finding someone who reminds you daily that they love you not because of who you are together, but who you are as an individual, is the key to happiness.
These men are the losers not either of you. In the two minutes it took me to read your responses I was able to learn so much about you just because of your capacity to show empathy for another struggling human being.
Thank you. You have both made my day today much brighter knowing that there are women in this world with the capacity to love another person as much as I have loved my wife. Maybe it’s time for me to take my own advice.
Goodluck with all that you do and hope to do. You sound like wonderful women who deserve to have all their dreams come true.
Evan.
To Evan
I know just how you feel about feeling I couldnt spend my life with any other person. Just like you it was a classic #7 and I had 6 children. Not only will this person play on the fact that you love them so much eventually they will use it against you. I was kept on a roller coaster ride for a year hearing nothing but I love you and cant live without you but I am so confused. This OP is 23yrs younger and was in her senior year of high school when he got her pregnant. Even after she had the child he still claimed they were just friends can you imagine. I believed in his lies to me so much I would have even raised this child for him with our own. I like you dont believe in divorce but sometimes you have no control over it anyway like it or not.
It has been 4 yrs since and they recently got married Im not especially happy for them for all I thought was mine ended up not being anything at all. You can feel all the deep love for another person like you do and I did but they probably dont for if they did they would not have done this in the first place. Please dont let yourself be on the same roller coaster ride as I did I still did it with much caution but it hurts more in the end. He turned around and said none of it was true all the things he told me I must have imagined. My kids did not even see him for 3 yrs while he was developing this new found life only to have him return and blame me and act like it was my fault all the wile claiming he is not perfect etc. Do yourself a huge favor this #7 is typical of a them coming and going and your chances of saving the marriage is low. I know you want it to work but she obviously doesnt feel like you mine said they did but didnt. Move on and all you can hope to find is someone like yourself, when you meet someone new find out why they got separated and you will know if they were genuine to marriage if not keep looking you dont want to end up with what you just got rid of. If your not careful that is what will happen. I am being very choosey about that and probably will take me some time to find that someone if ever, because there are very few of them out there, I respect your morals mine are the same and sadly sometimes they do you no good except to know that you are a good person inside. Chin up and move on you are worth it Evan
To Terri Here here your message couldnt be truer it was right on the money
To Hurting I know what it is like to lose your best friend its like a death and it is. He will tell you he is not happy with the OP to keep you attached but that is not what he is telling the other person They confuse fact and fiction and they are weak and will keep you holding on with your love as long as they possibly can because they are weak and needy and greedy. They have little or no regard for you because it is all about them and will always be about them. Hang on to yourself it will be a tough ride if you keep the door open I did and it only prolonged my pain and has prevented me from healing properly . The truth besets the love you have I know it hurts but dont prolong what you know is true
I totally agree with Used to Hurt. I’m at that point of no turning back now. It’s been a good two years with my husband’s lies and I can’t take any more. I’m just waiting to finish school. Praying that I do well so I can leave. Mid-life changes for $$ are not fun, but once accomplished, you feel wonderful!! I do things for me now. I really don’t care about him or her or anyone else he may pick up. i do get sad sometimes still and cry. I remember being where #1 Hurting is. It’s awful. All I can say is that get that support system going and time will help you. Get that counselor and keep going. Stick up for yourself and your child.
To Shennie, you are right. He is not telling the OW anything. They have discussed nothing. She is just happy he is there so she is not rocking the boat and he is happy to have a place to go where he is accepted and doesn’t need to feel the anxiety he feels when with me. Of course, I have told him that if she knew all the things he was doing and saying with me when he’s here, then there would be tension with her as well. So I am in a no win situation. I told him I can not pretend to be happy and calm like she does just to make him calm and feel more in love with me. I won’t compete. He says he sees things differently. He feels he is spending most of his time here with us (which he is) and that will help him. I feel it is giving him the best of both worlds but again I am afraid to close the door too soon. He said he doesn’t know if he’s lying to her, me or himseld. I think his feelings truly change daily if not hourly. I told him that he screwed this up, not me and if feels more loyalty to OW who doesn’t hold a candle to the integrity and loyalty of me , then don’t let the door hit you. I ask him what he is doing and all he can ever answer is “I don’t know what I’m doing, I need time to sort it out. It’s only been 2 weeks”. How do you know exactly what works or what to do. I think I need to let him think I am moving on so he can feel the pain of truly losing me. He said he doesn’t want me to move on but he knows it is unfair to ask me to wait. I’ve told him I want my marriage but won’t let myself be disrespected by his actions anymore. I need to keep the door open but my heart closed. Easier said then done…
Well I have been married 13 years and after confronting my husband he admitted to having an affair for the last 3 years. I threw him out and he came back after a week. Trusted and believed that he would let the OW go and make a try at our marriage she called and said he will not leave her alone. I threw him out again and he went and lived with her for 1 month. Left and got his own apartment which I helped him with and furnish from our home. After about a week he was spending more and more time at her house and got to the point that he was pretty much living there for the last couple of months. He still continued to see me and spend time with me until about three weeks ago. Said he was going to move in with her. Well I made a phone call to her telling her that he was still seeing me and being intimate with me. She threw him out of her house and now is back to his apartment. He is still kissing her butt and doing what he can for her. He got a DUI about a month ago and is now going through bankrupcy. I told him I was done and to leave me alone which I have done a dozen of times but he knows how much I love him and how weak I am and said he just has to get her out of his mind. He knows that she is physco, has cheated on him, and does not feel that it will work with her. He keeps me hanging on and is so jelous when I try to see other men, which I really don’t want to do at this point but it gets so lonely being by myself. He just won’t let me cut the strings and constantly text and phone me. I just don’t deserve this but it is so hard because I love him so much and keep believing his lies. This has been going on for the last 4 months. I really need help.
Wow, I can’t believe this. It’s like reading my own story, over and over. I literally sat here and said my God that is me! I want to know how to believe that this time he says it’s over, that it is really over? He is here with me and he kids and we are talking and sharing and he is being extremely transparent. He leaves his phone on and in plain view. He never says anything if I look at it. He has not done anything that I can question lately. I just am wondering if he is just better at hiding it now, because he knows I am on to him or if it’s really over and I need to accept it. He works with her so I can’t be there all day watching, but my gut instinct tells me to wait for a day when I am seriously suspicious and spy. How sick is that? How sick am I to contemplate that? I am so angry that they have driven me to a state of mind that makes me this insecure, irrational person. I resent her. Does anyone feel like they need to have a conversation with the OP in order to have closure for themselves? I do. I need to hear it from her. Maybe I’m wrong, but I just feel like if I knew from her mouth that it was over, then I would be at peace. I know she could lie to me, but she didn’t before. Actually, she is the one who told me the truth. I am so confused. I am so sorry to all of you that we have to be put in these situations. No one deserves this hell. No one.
Dear Hurting
You are so right the Im moving on will work because your giving yourself back the power instead of giving it to him. I even tried to tell this girl the stuff he was saying to me about her and that he was leading me on she would not believe it or act on it because then she couldnt be his comforting factor and wasnt willing to lose by facing the truth. So she refused to believe anything and only what he told her which was a pack of lies constantly constradicting himself to both of us. She never saw herself that way but I know it was true. They are together to this day but I believe one day she will end up no where and will have sacrificed for a relationship built on truth. Just think of yourself because neither one of them will so only you can, I know its so easy to be tempted out of your love by chances are they are only stringing you along til they work it out and you dont want to be the goat because you will be hurt more , you deserve to be treated better.
I have just been through this – found out 9 months ago and he said he would stop the physical part of the relationship (and I was able to prove that he did) but that he needed to have her always in his life at some level – she was also married, since filed for divorce, husband supposedly abusive and had breast cancer – still not yet reached her five years – it was a horrible dilemma for me and he was clearly torn by divided loyalties -I can’t nail which type of affair it was because it had flavors of a few different ones – but he definitely saw himself as her knight in shining armor and she fed his ego big-time – when did things start to turn? as many have already said (so I won’t belabor the point) they changed when I started holding my ground and stating my case – I was not going to tolerate a triangle and he needed to see that I was really serious – and I would not have had an amicable split up and he believed me when I told him that – my statement was that he could certainly have her always in his life in any way that he wanted – but that would mean that he would never have me in it in any way – it took him 6 months to even say that what they did was wrong – just lately, he went back one more time, via email, to see how her health was, etc. because he felt he needed to know – that rapidly escalated into emails back and forth again although they were not really bad – but I found out and nailed him for not telling me, since he had told me he would do so when he contacted her – he was very remorseful for lying yet again and wrote her a final email explaining that he cannot communicate with her and will not in any way – needless to say, she got furious and wrote him the most hateful things that I have ever heard – this from the woman who was just so nice and wonderful and helpless, etc. – bottom line – someone ends up angry and unhappy because they didn’t get what they wanted – I had to face up to the fact that that could have been me -that he would never give her up and that I would need to end a 36 year marriage – when I faced that reality, I was more able to share it with him and he was able to believe it and to make a choice
good luck!! you will figure it out as long as you remember to be good to yourself
I need some advice, my husband and I are highschool sweethearts and have been married 6 years, and we have a son together. I recently became friends again with my maid of honor, who says she is happily married, low and behold I found out the two them have been secretly meeting and they ended up going to the Holiday Inn together. To make a long story short I comforted my husband and all HELL broke loose. He says he has broken things off with her, but how do you know if thats true? What is so hard is that my husband is not one to talk though his feelings and just wants to forget it and move on. How do you know if they truely are not contacting each other? I worry about this alot because my husband works on the railroad and is gone alot. I worry he has another phone that he uses just to contact her, but I’m not sure. He does get alot of text messages on his phone, but I don’t know if they are from her or not. How do I find these things out? If anybody knows how to track another phone or retrieve text messages, please let me know. If they are still contacting each other I want to know so I can move on with my life because I still LOVE HIM VERY MUCH. He is my HEART AND SOUL. I’m just very confused and unsure!
there are many ways to find out things that you want to know – I was lucky – his cell phone account was in my name so I could see calls – she lives in the same town and one of my friends had a friend who lived next door to her (a good example of why you don’t you-know-what where you eat) – he was careless about written stuff because he never thought I would stoop to snoop (PLEASE READ Dr. Bob’s comments about “should you spy?”)- and frankly, I know him well enough to have been able to find his tracks – don’t get me wrong – he could still be doing a major cover-up and the folks who say not to believe the cheater when he/she says they have ended it are correct – could be another major scam – and once you have been deceived so well, you don’t know what to think or whether or not to trust your instincts – but your gut tells you where to go and your brain tells you how to get proof, one way or another – someone in an earlier comment recommended reading – try the book called “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass – lots of helpful information – and by the way, one of the hints was that a good time to catch a cheater is a holiday, especially Valentine’s Day – that was exactly when I found out – another thing from this book – they (the cheaters) always see their affair as “unique” – when I read this book I was amazed that my husband’s very words were quoted over and over again – sad to say – as Dr. Bob does such a good job of pointing out – there are patterns of behaviors that people follow – knowing those patterns really helps – take a step back, breathe, and think – you will find a way to get some answers and whatever your decision ends up being, you will have made it with a lot of information to consider
Isn’t it funny how all of these stories are so similar? I think we all know happiness is in our futures, it just seems so damn far away doesn’t it?
That old proverb we have all heard from someone or another lately, If you love it, let it go, if it was meant to be it will return, is so true it’s scary.
I myself had a hard time embracing this message at first, not that I completely don’t now, but that is the truest proverb I have ever heard.
I’m struggling now but everything I have read about charging neutral and self care all seem to say the same thing. Live your life. If he/she wants you they will catch up. Then you will be in the drivers seat and can decide for yourselves if you want to allow them to grab on. And your dignity will be intact.
I think Lynda hit it right on the head in response #9. Hi Lynda if your reading this. If you chase them they will only run faster. Or I’ll add my own here, they will continue to use you. They have everything. The best of both worlds. It’s time they lost something don’t you think.
And believe me from the amount of feeling and character I’m picking up on reading your responses, each and everyone of you would be a great loss even if these knuckleheads can’t see it right now or never do.
It reminds me of an old high schools sweet heart of mine. When she found a new guy, I was a mess. As much of a mess as a 17 year old with no kids or responsibilities can be that is. To this day, the only thing that I can remember of that tumultuos time in my life, is all the senseless crying and grovelling I did. Not how much I cared or how sad I was.
Make no mistake, with vows of marriage having been broken and with common children it will take longer to get there but you WILL get there.
I feel like a fool for crying so hard for someone who didn’t deserve me in the first place. I can even remember making an audio tape pronouncing my love. What a sorry mistake that was. Forgive me everyone, I was 17. I bet she still pulls that thing out to this day at parties and get’s a good laugh at my expense.
How embarrassing. I put it right up there with the time my mom walked in on us. But we will save that one for another time.
I agree with myself I guess, since I said it, happiness just seems so far away right now. I concentrate on little things and try with all my might not to dwell on this betrayal as not to own it myself. I didn’t do it so why own it?
None of you did either. Don’t own the pain. Feel it and let it go. You have nowhere to go but up from here. They are the ones on the way down. Don’t let that drowning person pull you under with them.
It is possible to live with this hurt so none of you wonderful women consider anything crazy. Day by day it does decline and become more and more manageable.
If you own the pain and keep trying to believe in someone who is only dealing with your pain, which they caused and don’t truly want to take ownership of themselves, when they absolutely have t. You never get anywhere. We all want movement. Getting this movement in a direction we would rather not go is still a positive thing.
Your holding a pair of dueces, I’m from Vegas, and you want to draw a Royal Flush which in our minds is a happy marriage. Well drawing some new cards or making a move and settling for a full house is still a much better hand than what your looking at right now isn’t it? Maybe you will catch your Royal on the next deal.
I don’t know about you but I’m tired of owning this pain. I’m drawing some cards and well all just see how they fall.
Don’t misunderstand me. I do and will always love my wife. The sun has rissen and set with her for me for as long as I can remember. As well I completely believe in marriage.
That being said, reality can be like a huge church bell when it’s rung and try as we might to endure the ringing in our ears, there will come a time when you will need to hit the door and find yourselves some peace.
What totally inspiring and awesome women you all are. It’s her loss not mine because you all make me feel so strong I just can’t wait to find someone just like you. And who knows. Maybe she will decide to catch up. She won’t be able to step over me like a doormat to get in the house this time though.
Goodluck everyone even though with minds and hearts like yours, I really don’t think any of you are going to need it.
Let me throw a quick shout out to Elizabeth, Jean and Shennie.
Evan.
For all of us who have a partner who says he is staying because he loves us and that the affair is over and there is no longer any contact, we will have to someday trust them again, am I right? We can’t go on forever mistrusting and being suspicious. I know they have to earn it. I know it will take time and they have to prove themselves over and over. But how long do we search, how long do we let suspicions and doubts run our lives, especially when the partner who cheated gives us no indication that anything is going on? Our marriage counselor told us that we have to have hope. Hope for me that it’s over and he is telling me the truth and hope for him that I will trust him someday and that we both believe we will survive this. If either of us have no hope then we are dooming ourselves. This all rests on the cheating partner though. They have to be truely not having any contact with the OP and committed to the marriage. If they are still seeing the OP in anyway, the investment is not in the marriage. He also told my husband that if he is seeing the OP and living with me and staying in the marriage that neither relationship will be fulfilled. All the energy needs to be put in the relationship that he wants. So far, my husband has put the effort into our marriage I think. I haven’t found anything to validate suspicions, although I still have them. I am obsessed with everything he says. I read into everything he tells me and in my mind question every lunch, purchase, phone call, text message etc… Someday, I don’t know when, I need to get passed this and trust him again. I will not be able to live in this state of panic and suspicion forever. And it will eventually ruin whatever we have left. My question to you all who have spouses who you are suspicious of still, and worry they are still cheating is, When will you believe? Are we to never be at peace? What will make you feel like it’s really over? How will you know? I know there are many of us who are still living in the hell that the cheating partner(CP) has left to be with the OP or is somehow having contact with them so until that ends there can really be no healing the marriage, but for those that believe the CP is done with the affair and it’s truely over, when do we give up and be at peace? When do we have hope that we are done with all of this and just live. Learn from the mistakes of the past and just love them and trust them. Do any of these relationships really survive? Or are we just going through the motions to say we tried? I know for me, I can’t punish him forever. I can’t make him pay for his sins for the rest of his life. I have to get over this or it WILL ruin what we have left. I have read all your postings and I see so many similarities just different stages of healing. Some of you have moved on and some are still hoping the CP will see the light and some say they have and are working toward healing. I guess no one will be able to tell me when it’s really over but me. I wish you all well.
I saw Peggy Vaughn’s book mentioned previously. I just finished “The Monogamy Myth” and found it helpful. This book is written by someone who’s been there and made her marriage work. She is pro marriage, whereas some cconselors are not. Yet she also gives some info on when it most likely will not work out, too. She also has a web site askpeggy.com.
I agree, read, read, read. Educate yourself. Don’t rush to make a life altering decision when emotions are at their peak. Every affair and every relationship is different because they involve PEOPLE so what works for one may not work for another.
Also, the Today Show has had a lot of relationship segments – almost daily. Recently, they ran one about women who knowingly involve themselves with married men. Some of the reasons may surprise you such as fear of intimacy (get involved with half a man so you never have to fully commit), low self esteem (don’t feel they deserve a man so they see half a man), some are just competitive (this is the most sickening). Remember ladies & gents out there, these OP’s are SUBORDINATE to us!!! They have to totally abide by the schedule of the married spouse, They come SECOND. I know it doesn’t feel like it. Last minute cancellations, stuff with the kids, etc.
My husband told me if not this woman, it would have been another. Don’t blame her. I said if she had said no, then the next said no, etc etc these things wouldn’t happen unless the married person tricked the OP into thinking they were single. Of course I blame him too, but it feels better to blame the OP. After all we chose to marry our spouses so these affairs make us feel like we made a bad choice.
Another helpful book is “After the Affair”. I ordered both on Amazon.com. They are a different perspective from Dr Bob, but still full of helpful info.
Take care everyone!
Dear, MS:
There is nothing concrete in life. My suggestion is to just trust and enjoy your time with him, let it go. Why hold onto it? You should be grateful that you haven’t lost him and he is there trying to work it out with you. Reflect on the affair as a blimp in your time line, as a lesson to him and yourself. Being suspicious will not help you get closer, worrying will show in many forms mostly actions and it will wear down your health.
I don’t agree with it is easier said then done, just do it. Forget about the OP and move on with your life. He made a huge mistake and that mistake hurt you but hopefully both of you have learned. Both of you have the opportunity to improve your relationship, a chance many of us have lost. Many of us would have given anything for the opportunity that you have, my advice is to embrace it and enjoy your time together. Consider this second chance a blessing!!!
We are here today, but there is always the possibility that we will be gone tomorrow.
To Evan:
It sounds like you have your life together. I hope one day to get there. My problem is my husband and I have been to together for 14 years and married six of those and I have invested everything into our life and family. I feel I somewhat have wasted all that time and energy for nothing. But he is all I know, how do you start over? How do you know you gave your marriage enough time to heal? I feel my husband is trying, but I have so much hate and hurt inside of me that sometimes I think i read into it. What if he is telling the truth now, and I leave him I look like the bad guy. But I don’t want to leave I want my life back. I just don’t know how to get there. Sorry for sounding like a blabbing idiot.
To Evan
Thanks for your acknowledgement it really means alot, the sad part is that even though I know I am better off and one day things have to get better its discouraging that he is the one who found happiness and me who was stuck with all the responsibilities. We ran a farm together, my family invested thousands on our behalf it was my whole life for the last 4 yrs I have been doing it all by myself, I am only about 115 pounds it is a mans job but I have been going it alone on top of taking care of 6 kids and keeping them involved in activities that were a big part of their life. He lied about his income so we only get 700 a monthe for 7 people which doesnt even cover food. I have worked tirelessly not only do I not have time to look for a better life for myself it makes me sick that he walked away from all his resp and dumped it on me and has never looked back. He is married to a 21 yr old and they have 1 child together he does all the things with them he never did with us and spends 16 hrs a month with 3 of my kids thats it never offers to help with anything. Why does he deserve to be happy at my expense how does a person have anything to look forward to when those facts never change. I am so sick of being his dummy and that he acts like we never even had a life together for 26 yrs since I was 15 yrs old. I keep telling myself he is sick and that he is blinded to what he has really done and has blocked the truth of what he has done so he can live with himself. I just could never imagine treating anyone like that even if I wanted a divorce ever. Its soo sad that there is sometimes no wer to go. Thanks everyone for listening
Leopards don’t change their spots. My husband cheated on his first wife and now he has cheated on me, his second wife. He has been lying to me for over a year and still continues to do so, all the while professing that I am the “love of his life”. Nice to hear, but…GIVE ME A BREAK!
I hired an investigator and found out for sure. It was the best investment I have made, as it was an investment in the truth! I took my child and moved out…
I confronted him (he denied it), we tried counseling (he lied to the counselor), I tried ignoring him (he sent me text messages non-stop, which I sent to the OP), I tried being supportive of him (still continued to see the OP and lie). Enough is enough!
I also called the OP and she did not deny the affair. In fact, she was nasty and obnoxious. I also called her husband (they are separated) and he informed me that this has been going on for a long time and he left his 20 year marriage to her because of it!
Bottom line…the only person you can change is yourself. Don’t lose your self-respect and pride to this lying, self-centered individual. Be a role model to your children! He lies to me about the OP and I am sure he is lying when he tells me he loves me. The only person he loves is HIMSELF and I can’t compete with that! You are living with unhappiness and anxiety while he is out there having fun! Get rid of him and have some fun yourself!
Take it from someone who has been there…he WILL NOT change, no metter how hard you try, so CHANGE YOURSELF! It will be the best thing you ever did!!
I have been reading others stories and they sound like mine. Does it really work when you start showing then you can live without them and be on your own. I have known for about 2 months and just found out that she is in love with him, he says he’s not in love with her and just wants to be friends but he is still calling her. He says he will know if he wants to work the marriage out after the holidays and we need to go ahead and prepare for the worst and hope for the best. He wants us to get our cell bills seperated and me start paying some bills out of my own check so I can take more responsiblity. Right now he pays every bill and I never know how much money we have. I need so advice. Please help!
My story is like the majority and, I too, am comforted knowing that I’m not the only one suffering. My story has a twist of it’s own. My husband has been a part of my life for 16 years. We didn’t started dating seriously until 3 years in to knowing each other, and two years later we got married. We’ve now been married for 11 years and have a beautiful 9 year old daughter and a handsome almost 6 year old son. My twist is that I’m 21 years younger than my husband; I’m now 37 and he’s 58. He has two older children just about my age and we have a wonderful relationship. They actually accepted our relationship very quickly. We also have a granddaughter who is not quite 2 years older than our daughter. It’s been a wonderful union of two families and his first wife and I have a pretty good relationship as well. Under these circumstances what more could you ask for that works out perfectly for him? I guess, like others, our marriage got in to a lull. Kids, a business, a home ( which we’ve been in the process of designing and remodeling for 10 years ), successes and happiness, as well as turbulence along the way, and I thought we had it so great. Special vows written by him, promises made, and a loving relationship that was almost too good to be true, as well as, thinking this wouldn’t happen to us. His mother passed away in December 2004 and his father had passed on 9 years earlier. During this year we had some ups and downs, more so than usual. Within 3 months of his mother’s passing I just knew something wasn’t right. I had suspected another woman, but didn’t find out for sure something was going on for another 2 months. At that time, just serious phone conversations—–“Just Friends”. He made all the promises of stopping and making things right. A few weeks later I found out who she was. A divorced 4 times, now separated mother of 3, who is known in our small town as a gold digger (my husband is not from here), still attractive and a ” couldn’t make it in Nashville” talented singer who is 53 years old. Now I’m not making fun of the age, but isn’t it ironic that most men mess around on their wives with younger women and mine picks one much closer to his own age. He is an attractive, healthy 58 year old who works like crazy. Our business is successful. I’ve been going through his HUGE emotional affair for 20 months now. I’ve even played detective, having found enough evidence that says it’s still an Emotional Affair. My roller coaster ride has been horrible and it doesn’t looked like the ride is over yet. Even when it slowed down and looked like it was over, it took off again. He still can not break away from this woman and says that they did become very close and will probably always remain friends. He says he understands that he can not have us both, says he is terrified of losing me and the kids and that if he really wanted to be with her he would have crossed the physical line by now and would have left me, but he still won’t break that connection that keeps us from moving on or getting close again. She purchased cell phones last year for them to keep in touch and I’ve found it here there and everywhere off and on since last year. I’ve not destroyed it because I want him handle it, but I continue to find it. I know for certain that he’s tried to end things with her many times, even giving the phone back, but he always relapses due to whatever means she uses to contact him and pour out her dramatic tactics. He recently said that he will always have some love for her and is not sure if he will have regrets if he can manage ending their relationship. He says he wants to have back the life we had before this, but doesn’t make the moves to do it. I think he takes advantage of the love and continued support within our business I still have for and give him, as well as the comfort of the family he wants. Financially I can’t go anywhere else right now. We’ve been in the slow beginning stages remodeling our dream home since early this year. Last year he purchased a very small “fixer-upper” that he claimed WE would need to live in during the major remodeling of our home. Although we have not been legally separated, I kicked him out of our home last year when I “overheard” conversations of his so-called plans to leave me for her. This is what he was telling her, however he told me he never planned on going anywhere. He’s lived in this other place off and on for a year. He’s never moved back in with us, but has stayed for weeks at a time, then will suddenly go back out there for his so called solitude. I’ve now figured out this is what happens when he’s allowed her back in again. For months his plan has been for all of us to live in the other house and we are just about ready for the “have to” move. There’s no way we or I could handle rent somewhere else right now while already having 2 mortgages, utilities, etc. After all these months I also feel like I’m ready to draw the lines and live without him, although repairing our marriage is the only thing I really want. In some ways, I feel trapped and he still has me and his secret life. I just don’t know what to do or say anymore to force him to make a choice under these weird circumstances. How much longer should I hang in there wanting to work this out while he dances back and forth between me and his “so called friend”?
It is something hard to hear, but, if your husband is having an affair, there has been enough problems in your relationship for him to do so. Do not misunderstand me: what he is doing is wrong and it may be the case that he is responsible all alone, however, there is a great chance that you are a part of the problem too.
I myself have been cheated. The pain was enormous. I could not think clearly for months, became depressed and took medication for sometime. I am still on therapy. I know the pain. But it does not change the fact that I decided to act like her father (when the real one was extremely abusive), I spoiled her with no limits even when she hurt me before by allowing her to use my pity for her painful childhood, I became emotionally distant when she had difficulty having intimacy with me, I decided to put things on track by controlling everything without listening to her making her feel no liberty, I decided to be blind when everyone noticed that something was wrong. I know, there is no excuse for cheating, I know how much it has hurt me. But by looking for those things that she did wrong I lose the opportunity to look at me, improve myself, grow and make myself better for this or another relationship.
In the end, we all know this: we cannot change the past and we cannot change our husbands/wives. But we can change ourselves. We can learn to deal with all the suffering, to forgive, to solve our own problems, to look forward and live a better, more mature life. In the end, if you take it all as an opportunity to grow, you will find out, you will become a better person. Love will follow naturally.
Thank you Maria for your words of encouragement. I know you’re right and I am trying to concentrate on the fact that he is here and really trying to help me trust him. I know he loves me, I just don’t know if what I give him is enough. He found something in this OP that he wasn’t getting from me and I’m not sure what it was. We have two little kids 5 and 4 and the last 4 yrs have been all about them, really. Not alot of time or energy left over for caring for us as a couple. I was in denial. I thought they needed me and he was a grown man and he could see that they were the ones who needed my attention right now. How wrong I was. I know that doesn’t give him the right to go and have an affair, but I also know we weren’t “happy” for about a year while the pressures of parenting, work etc…. compiled.
I am going to start my own counseling (we go to a marriage counselor now)to help me stop obsessing, work out my anger and hurt and find a way to embrace this second chance. It’s good to know that there are others out there who can understand and relate, because the only support people I have told, while they are great, really don’t get it all.
To Evan, I know the majority of people on this blog are women, so to hear the story from a male perspective brings to light that everyone is vulnerable to this traumatic upheaval regardless of sex. I know that all the books I’ve read say women cheat too, and obviously they can form the other half of a cheating couple as well, since I see that some of the OW were married as well. In my case the OW was single and had no responsibilities to anyone or anything. She was available, fun and attentive, all of which I wasn’t. I was a mom, tired, responsible, just trying to raise decent human beings, pretty much alone, and when I look back, I see how unattractive this must have been from a man’s point of view. Although, my husband says that this very attribute of being a great mom is one of the reasons he loves me. Double edged sword, I guess. I really hope that because you love your wife and want to make your marriage work, that that’s what happens for you. I hope she sees that a good faithful man is hard to find.
If only the cheaters could read these blogs, maybe they would wake up and see what they are about to lose. We need to be strong though. Draw the line, let them go and live our lives. Show them we can be happy and that there is life without them for us out there. All of you who have said that in your blogs are right. The more you cry and fight it the further away they run. Tell them you accept it for what it is and move on. They won’t won’t know what hit em. Good luck to you all. Mari