Extramarital Affair – He Won’t Stop Seeing the OP (Other Person): Says I Need “Patience”

My husband admitted to the affair, but yet he still continues to contact this person and has asked me to be patient. He said he will need to get her “out of his system” and to give him some time. How do you handle that?

My Response:

Ending the relationship with the OP is often a gradual process.

For example, in the 7th kind of affair I describe (I want to be close to someone…which means I can’t stand intimacy), ending the affair often takes time. Yes! No! On again! Off again is the scenario.

Affairs also lolly gag for those who are “in love”…and just love being “in love” or My Marriage Made me Do it.

So, in particular kinds of affairs, expect a roller coaster ride. You don’t have to like it. But be prepared. Breaking off an affair relationship, as in no more contact, may take weeks.

So, let’s assume this is your case. Here are a few things to do:

1. You are entitled to set some limits. Keep clarifying the limits, but don’t make them ultimatums. You don’t want to paint yourself into a corner, especially with this kind of affair. Experiment with phrases such as: “This is extremely difficult for me. I refuse to share you with another person. And, I know it is difficult for you. But, at some point I will draw a line in the sand.”

2. “Get at” the specific issues. Ask, “What does it mean to “get it out of your system?” What are a couple or three things you need to “get it out of your system?” (If he/she is open to this exploration, the prognosis is good.)

3. If he/she is reluctant to go there, throw out suggestions. “Is he/she controlling you?” (very often the case). “Does it feel good to be wanted by two people?” “Waffling like this seems to be theme in your life?” “Are you afraid to face the hurt? Are you afraid to lose something?” Allow your voice to trail at the end. Do not be dogmatic. Open the door for discussion.

4. See this as his/her problem. (I know! I know! Easier said than done!) Define your standards. Get your personal needs met. Begin to design the future for you. And tell him/her, “I would like to make it with you, but if not, I will certainly create something wonderful for me.”

5. Notice the changes in your relationship. Do you see a movement toward what you really want? Are patterns changing? Is their more effective, in-depth, heartfelt communication? Sometimes the larger picture is comforting.

6. Surround yourself with people who accept and listen to you. Friends/family often blurt out: Get rid of the #$%#$! They fail to understand the complexity and long-term process.

Remember, affairs are exceedingly complex and don’t go away easily. You will never forget, although the pain and memories fade over time. As well, it takes, on the average, 2-4 years for most couples to work through effectively the trauma.

Comments

  1. To Evan
    I do appreciate your insight into my life, but until you know all the details you cannot judge people. I feel like you are accusing me of judging others based on my experience and in that you are also judging me without knowing all. There are alot of times where people give and it does not come back. In a perfect world that should probably stand true. This is far from a perfect world and it is possible to give and first and not get back. I have never been one to pass judgement on anyone without first learning about them. There have been times where I have heard rumors about people and not based my own opinion until I know first hand. I always give the benefit of the doubt until proven wrong. It is possible that sometimes you give too much and others just come to expect it because they know you will keep on. Anyway I appreciate your comments but there really is no set stone in life to say if you do this that should definately happen because we all have so many other factors that affect us to take into consideration Just because I still have my own moments of despair means I am only human . You say you have completely fogiven but you would only be human also to still have moments of anger or resentment for the pain you have had to live through. I hope this doesnt offend you as it is not intended that way

  2. To Sue

    If you are serving papers you will find out soon enough exactly where you stand because often it forces them to make a move either way. Only then will you truly know what is going on. Things like this are never fair, its just the way it is. If they were fair we wouldnt need this blog. Just take care of you because he wont even if he says he will beware. It can take years if ever for some of these people to face the truth about themselves, whatever you do dont stand around waiting for it to happen They are not living by the rules of rhyme or reason and if they really saw what they were doing they would likely have a total breakdown. It is often easier for these types to go the other way so they dont have to face that part, I think its the minds way of protecting themselves from this total breakdown.
    Just try hard to keep your life full of things that make you feel good. I am thinking of you and hope the third party goes away so you two can sort it out. Its the only way you can, if the third party isnt gone be prepared for it to just keep dragging out. All my best to you Sue

  3. Chan,

    I’m confused. What does he have to forgive you for? I’m sure you said things out of anger, hurt frustration, maybe you even knocked him up side the head a couple times. I’m sure you weren’t always right.

    The circumstances were dictated by him not you. Your reactions, right or wrong, were a result of having to deal with a scenario beyond your control. He chose to go outside the marriage not you.

    It sounds to me like he is trying to stay on the fence and justify his actions or inactions from your reactions and this simply is not fair. You must understand this.

    Forgiveness is key. Your forgiveness of him as well as his forgiveness of himself. His forgiveness of you should be automatic and unconditional if not something he should forgive himself, for putting you in the position in the first place.

    When he forgives himself he opens himself up to criticism and healing for himself and you. When you forgive him you open yourself up to recieve his love and be fair to him as well as let go of the toxic weight that having a grudge against someone brings.

    Your getting played. He’s using your guilt and lack of self esteem against you to meet his needs. One of which is to free himself of culpability and that just is not the answer Chan.

    This guilt is not yours to own. Leave it where it belongs, squarely on his shoulders, and if he can’t accept this then yes pure hearted girl, it sounds like it’s over.

    Ouch, that hurt me just to say to you. What other option do you have? If you are so emotionally attached to him that you can’t let go, then wait it out and settle for what happens Chan. Is that the right thing to do? No way. But it’s your life Chan. You must make the decisions that are right for you from day to day and live with the consequences.

    Accepting any kind of fault though is self destructive and unneccassary. Don’t punish yourself for his shortcomings as a man, husband and father. Don’t let him abuse you by trying to throw blame on you. What he has done is an offense so heinous that clearly he can’t accept or take responsibility for it.

    The attempt to get you to accept any responsibility for this is just further abuse and you don’t have to choose to accept it. Be good to yourself. Your heart is in the right place, it’s your mind that’s screwing you up.

    Reality really is a brutal thing sometimes. You already know the answers to all of the questions you are asking. Your not asking the right questions.

    Those questions are, is it worth it to me to accept this behavior and take what’s given in the hopes of reconcilliation or not? Is the possible fruits of this labor worth being abused any longer and how much of this BS can I take before cutting loose?

    Choosing to accept fault or guilt from sometimes poorly acted out reactions or accepting guilt for not being the person he wanted you to be, are not options with any possible positive gains.

    He failed to communicate his needs and chose to look for them somewhere else instead of working with you to make them realities in his own marriage. He swore to do this to you and to God and failed to keep his word. You have no fault, no guilt that you do not choose to make your own.

    Be good to yourself Chan, please. I’m worried about you and hope that you can come to understand what a wonderful person you are and live each day being good to yourself and your children, secure in the knowledge that you DID NOT make this happen.

    Accept, don’t accept. Forgive, don’t forgive. Stay, go. Only you can take or not take these actions. It’s your life Chan. Sucks but there it is.

    But DON’T EVER think for one second that there is anything wrong with you other than wanting to save your dream so badly, that you would be willing to be knocked around emotionally to do it. This is a weakness and it appears that just about every one of us has it. I’m mad at my-self for this weakness inside of my-self as should you be because I should have dropped my wifes ass a long time ago.

    Look at the big picture, ask the right questions and be good to yourself Chan. You didn’t deserve to be betrayed, don’t deserve to be emotionally abused like this and by all means shouldn’t on any level abuse yourself by taking any responsibility what so ever for his actions.

    Do something fun today OK. Take your kids to a movie. Eat to many nachos and know you are a rare and good person.

    Evan

  4. To Shennie,

    I’m not judging anyone. You have been taken on a roller coaster ride from hell and you have all the empathy I have to give.

    You clearly are a very strong minded and pasionate woman and deserve all the happiness life has to offer you.

    Every betrayal talked about in this blog have very close similarities but at the same time, human nature is a very unpredictable thing.

    Your incites are invaluable and the sharing of your experiences pure.

    I pray for your happiness.

    Evan.

  5. To Sue,

    I am very proud of you for standing up for yourself and drawing your line in the sand. You asked how this can happen to a good family.

    I just don’t know. There is no rhyme or reason to it Sue. just one of those cosmic questions I guess.

    You sound like a woman worth loving. Just don’t forget to love yourself and one day you will be reflecting on this time in your life instead of living it. Guaranteed. Time doesn’t stop for any of us. It’s what you do with the time that’s important.

    Be selfish, you deserve it.

    Evan

  6. To Evan
    You are so right. Thank you so much for all your kind words. Your compassion and understanding of others and their feelings make you truly a blessing.
    You have such valuable insight and I thank you so kindly for all of your support.

    Without wonderful people like you people like me would be hit by a train im sure.

    Thanks again so much for making my life just a little easier and helping me cope with things that are hard to accept and understand.

    Things like this have a way of creating such turmiol in our lives it can become so very difficult to sort through.

    You truly are a gift from god to all of us here

    I wish nothing but the best for all of us whose lives have been thrown the curve of a lifetime.

    Maybe just maybe in our consideration and understanding of one anothers difficulties and challenging feelings we can find a path to a new life somehow .

    I hope we can all truly find a way to work through these confusing times we are all faced with by sharing as we all have and understanding one another through our clouded thoughts.

    God knows these are our most difficult moments and in them we can trust and rely on one anothers complete support as we have shown each other in this blog.

    To everyone, we will all make mistakes and hopefully there will be someone to understand why as everyone on this blog has.
    Thanks for listening I will be thinking of you all and taking everything so valuably said straight to my heart.

  7. To all..

    Thanks so much. I know this blog has to end sometime, as does the pain. I can’t get to it (the blog…..the pain is constant) during the day, so it’s the last thing I do before I go to bed. Hence the delay.

    I wanted to share a peaceful moment that might help others in my turmoil of the last few days. I was staying with old family friends (the high school reunion…..my longest friend’s parents) who had lost their granddaughter to an OD (at age 25) this past week. My friend’s mom said to me that she hoped my situation would work out and that she was praying for me. I replied…..with peace…that it would, somehow. The pain is in living through it to that point, whatever that means.

    Even though I am doing my best to live the moment, the knowledge that the future will hold something that works out keeps me going. If only I knew what that meant. May we all find some peace in knowing that it will work out. We need to focus on ourselves and our children, if we have them, and know that if we do that whatever is best will happen even if we can’t see it right now.

    Easy words….or maybe not. It’s just hard. But we can do it. So many have before us. We can hope to do it the best we can and rid ourselves of the bitterness in the meantime. They have to live with what they’ve done. So do we. So let’s do it with faith that it will work out for US! Whatever that means. Have faith in the process.

    Did I convince anyone out there? I am trying so hard to believe it myself. I know it’s true, just so hard to live by.

  8. Hey Chan
    Dont give up on yourself, please I know its hard to keep our emotions in the proper perspective when we are being put through the meat grinder. Dont feel that just because they are not quarrelling and fighting now that its not in the future for them. That is how people work through their differences ,its normal, fight and make up and each time grow stronger. I am sure he loves you but he is so lost in his own obseesion that often they cannot see through it and in that has reflected the worst pain on you. You cant give up hope, I mean hope on yourself mostly, if he cant come around and face it then you have to stand up for yourself and be brave. It has been said already forgiveness is the key. It applies to everything in life and all too often is overlooked even by the best of us. If he had truly forgiven you as you said then he would have been able to deal with forgetting through that forgiveness. Its another excuse to put it on your shoulders instead of stepping up to the plate himself. Dont let that happen Chan. Just keep being honest and have faith in yourself and be true to your feelings they are yours and are important whether he sees them or not,they need to be acknowledge whether right or wrong because they are yours and you are entitled to them. We are all imperfect that is the way God made us it is not the mistakes that we make that are really important but how we deal with them , If you are angered or have a temper , right or wrong it is your feelings and until they are acknowledged and accepted it will feel like torture. You are only reacting to a wave of emotions that are all over the board and you have good reason for them to be. Dont be so hard on yourself, we all know what you are going through and we are all here for you. In the end it matters not who is right or who is wrong, it is not wrong to quarrel it is a part of life and hopefully from those quarrels we can accept one anothers differences and respect them for them. I hope for you that you can lift that pain from your chest somehow by taking what our hearts here have to offer you. We may not always be right in our advice or interpretations but nonetheless we are here for you to be heard and acknowledge whatever way you need us to be. And are here to help each other through for as long as we need. Dr Bob said its never over so if we can expect it maybe we can deal with it. Just know that no matter what gloom may come to your life through all of lifes misunderstandings that god loves us for that because that is how he made us.So in that learn to love yourself a little more everyday and you will find a way to make it.

  9. I can’t believe that I am still in so much pain. A year ago, I found out that my husband was having an affair with a beautiful, flamboyant, exciting woman who adored him. He said that I was a fat cow and he just wanted to be with a really hot chick. In the last year, I have lost 70 pounds (not in a healthy way, I lost the weight because I was so depressed that I could not eat or sleep). Now I have a great body, I look like a model and my husband of ten years has decided that he wants to date his girlfriend and me at the same time. In the meantime, I moved out of our house nine months ago with our two children and I bought a dog (that I had always wanted and he always forbid me to have). He has spent so much money on his girlfriend buying her jewelry and big screen tv’s and vacations to Chicago and Cancun that our personal finances are completely devastated. We will have to declare bankruptcy. I tried to file for divorce during the summer but I could not because of the mess with our personal finances. He calls me everyday. He wants to see me all of the time. He still wants to sleep with me. He tells me that he loves me, he just fell out of love with me for awhile but he is falling back in love with me. He tells me that he will break up with the girlfriend and make things right with me but just last night, his car and his girlfriend’s car were parked in a hotel parking lot. (I had slept with him the night before because he had promised me that it was going to be over with her and he and I would be a family again) I feel so used and lied to and manipulated. I read his e-mails yesterday. While he has been telling me that he wants to be with me and he loves me again, he has been e-mailing her that He loves only her. I have no support system whatsoever, no one that I can turn to. I am in so much pain at this point, I just want to die. And the crazy thing is that I have always loved this man. I still do. Why? I don’t know how to just walk away. I don’t know how to start a new life. I want to move to Denver and go to law school. I am taking the LSAT in December and I have told him that the girls and I are moving to Denver, but then he begs me to not go because he wants to be close to his daughters and he wants to be a good husband and he wants to be a good father and he begs me not to leave him.

  10. Evan, Shennie

    Thank you for your insights and advices.

    Evan, just to give you a better picture, he said he ‘forgives’ me for those fights and quarrels that we had which led to his 1st affair (5 years ago). You know – the hurtful words, me throwing objects around in anger and hurt,… you get the picture. i was not working then, stayed at home with 2 young toddlers, and was saddled with housework, lack of understanding and attention, etc.
    Todate, there has been NO further of such fighting episodes. Occasional petty quarrels or ‘yelling’ at the kids, things like that, yes. But who doesn’t right ? Like what Shennie says, it’s not about who’s right or wrong, but about accepting each other, and forget the hurt and grow – if he can Love me the way I love him, that is.
    Even Today, now, he still brings back the past, and about how he can’t forget, the bitterness, etc.
    He said it was my ‘devilish anger’ (his words) which ruined his marriage life, and caused him to seek comfort and solace elsewhere.
    Now you understand why I’m feeling dead guilty, dread? That somehow I was the cause of this whole mess and thus the divorce.
    I told him about how I thought a marriage means to love, honour and cherish through good and bad times; and that my anger or temper is just anger management, and how like Shennie puts it, we should accept each other’s differences and grow, right ? I also told him it’s not like if you see the slightest imperfection in your spouse you run away and enter into affairs.
    He says in that case, why don’t I just file the papers on him instead, citing adultery. that will save both money and time.
    I think he’s insensitive to my or anyone’s feelings, except his own. He does not realise the effect of his words on me, the effect of his emotional abuse and neglect.
    I thank all of you for your insights, your invaluable advices.
    Thank goodness for this blog!

  11. To Gillian
    How awful for you,it does take a long time for the pain to go away and somehow it always surfaces but just take from it what you need to and grow from it. Go to law school, pursue yourself and your other dreams and soon enough everything will fall into place. If the other person is not completely out of the picture then do not look back especially if he continues to lie like this. I know you love him but if he cant come to terms with what he is doing you will only hurt yourself more in the end. I dont know if this other person knows that he is still sleeping with you and if she did she would likely dump him in a minute but you dont really want him that way anyway . I know that horrible feeling of wanting to die but your kids need you. Dont let his feelings run your life let your love for yourself do the work. If he is continuing to do this he does not deserve this love you have to give. And just so you know being overweight is no reason for someone that loves you to call you ridiculous names. You are a person of value regardless of your looks. The problem with looking good is that often it brings attention that has little value as you have experienced this with him since you are now in great shape. People should love us for who we are and not what we look like. All too often women are used because of their looks I suppose society provides the feeding ground for this and there is little we as women can do about it except learn from it. Use the experience to find yourself you may find things about yourself that you never even knew. Have you been to any counselling, maybe that will help, just be sure he is being honest in counselling or nothing will be accomplished.If he wont go get some for yourself. Please dont say you want to die, you are more worthy than you are giving yourself credit for. I was left in no mans land I wanted to die also and the only thing that stopped me was the love I had for my children in that I could never leave that burden on their shoulders, they would have blamed him for it and I didnt want that either for them or him. For them to go through life with no one that they could find self worth through. So you just stop thinking that way , it wont help you or them. Look deep inside yourself and find the strength to do whatever you need to to get through this either way .
    I know how hard it is to always have your heart on your sleeve, even to this day its so easy to be hurt by the most simple things and react in a way that you wouldnt normally if your life wasnt under such pressure. I am through this and moving on but my life always seems under such pressure still from the responsibility of children, earning a living , and fighting through the ongoing battles we face daily as a result. It makes us so vulnerable because its never really over,we just have to find the best ways of dealing with things . They wont always be right but hopefully we will learn and grow through them. Let him prove by his actions he is deserving of what he is asking not by his words and only them you will see the truth. Make a plan for yourself and give yourself direction to follow and it will help guide you through. Take care of yourself Gillian I will be thinking of you.

  12. Hey Chan
    Im glad some of my words are helping you to sort through this. Dont blame yourself, Not only did my ex blame me also for the flaws in our relationship like yours is, but little did he know I blamed myself also, what could I have done different etc but I soon came to see that blame serves no purpose except to set the grounds to work through it by dealing with those things that appear to be the issues. It sounds to me as though he is being somewhat childish. All you can do sometimes is keep your own peace of mind in knowing that you are trying your best to work through it and that what we do will not always be right but that our intentions are good in that. If he chooses to take it the wrong way and turn it around on you then it becomes his problem not yours so dont carry the weight for it . Let him carry the weight for it and through his own ignorance of neglect for your acknowledgement of your feelings maybe he will learn a valuable lesson at some point in time. Be strong Chan you cant beat yourself up just because you need and deserve to be heard. If he is incapable of forgiving your flaws which we all have that he doesnt see that he also has then it isnt any wonder why he hasnt gotten through this.His ego perhaps will not allow him to hear you in the way you want him too. Maybe its the selfishness part of these things that have moved him to that. But you are trying to do the right thing and its all any of us can do Glad my words helped in whatever small way.

  13. Hi Evan,

    I have read a few of your replies to others and have found them so inspiring. I posted the other day (11/25/06) and did not know how to get responses to my issues however, reading your posts have helped. So much so that I believe that after these past few years of pure hell, I have finally decided to let go. I chose to tell him to give me the space I need to heal, that I forgive him & that he is truly a tormented soul that needs prayer and yes, I will pray for him – but for now, leave me alone. I proved my seriousness by refusing his advances he made today and left without feeling guilty.
    Hopefully, he will continue to give me space – divorce is eminent, for now — I just want peace of mind.

    Pray for my strength.

  14. Thank you Shennie,
    Yes, I know what you say is true. Many times I have sat in my bathtub contemplating slitting my wrists and I have not done it because I do love my daughters so much. I have been such a poor example for them, though about the strength and power that a woman has in her own life. I have forfeited all of my power and energy to a man who is a lier. I have sinned so deeply against my daughters by showing them weakness. I have taken this man back so many times based on his empty promises that he never had any intention of keeping. My daughters have seen me allow him back into my bed knowing that he will be spending the very next night in his girlfriend’s arms. I have been a horrible role model.I have also sinned against myself. I have not drawn the line in the sand that I should have. I have not demanded my own boundaries. I have not demanded respect. I have accepted mediocrity and I have accepted the blame that he puts on me for this whole mess. Yes, he thinks it is my fault and I have believed him. It is my fault that he was thrown naked into the arms of a beautiful woman because I was not pretty enough. I was not a good enough housekeeper. I was not a good enough cook. I did not earn enough money. What is really my fault is that I did not stand up for myself and call B/S.

  15. Gillian

    Stop blaming yourself and learn from what you have seen and feel. You can start now and make the changes you need to to become what you know is right. You said it yourself so I know you know what you should be so just do it. Its been so long for me too and I still have rebounded thoughts of the same and I just keep pushing through it , I dont even know how I do but just know I have to until I can figure it out.
    I too have no strength left it all gets used in sorting all the feelings through and then you wondered why you bothered. Its up and down I know. You are not horrible role model you are human and your children know that and they will love you just the same and that will guide you to find some way. I will pray for you Gillian just write down some things and attack them only one by one. It will help I promise just try. Give yourself the break you need from the blame, it doesnt matter what matters is where you go from here so give yourself a new chance at happiness. Just believe and god will give you strength enough to take it one step at a time

  16. What do you do when the OP suddenly dies? She wouldn’t stop seeing him, then he died. She’s mourning him terribly. How do I handle this? Does anyone have any advice?

  17. To Stephen,

    Wow what a question. Sometimes I really think that I don’t want my marriage to come back together and only really want to know that my wife feels the same pain inside that she has put me through.

    Other times I want to forgive her and everyone involved so I can let go of the terribly toxic feelings that go hand in hand with holding a grudge.

    Truth be told I would probably be inwardly happy if her paramour suddenly died and maybe even a little disappointed that I didn’t have something to do with it.

    We are possessive creatures after all and these spouses have promised themselves to us thus creating a sort of ownership for lack of a better word. Not ownership of them as a person but ownership of the dream that was us together forever.

    If you want to save your marriage then the answer is simple. Make yourself available to her and empathize whenever possible. I don’t think that you would be a lessor person though if you found some inner satisfaction in the demise of your spouses paramour though. I really think I would.

    Being a civilized and morale society prevents us from creating this circumstance with our own hands but taking some sort of satisfaction just in the irony I don’t think would be unhealthy.

    In some societies in the world even today it is still legal and morally acceptable to have done him in yourself you know.

    Not much of an answer, but man, I think that I just might wish I had your problems.

    Evan

  18. Thanks, Evan.
    It’s only been slightly over two months since his death. He was married also and he had a heart attack and died while meeting my wife in another city, ostensibly, on a business trip for both of them. She administered CPR unsuccessfully, and essentially watched him die.

    We’ve been separated since February. We’ve been talking since his death, but as you can imagine, the conversation is timid and cautious on both sides. I’ve asked her to have dinner with me, and she says she’d like to, but won’t commit to a date at this time.

    I have been empathizing so much it’s ridiculous. I have avoided being angry, accusatory, judgemental and the like. I guess that’s kept her and I talking.

    Has anyone else dealt with this scenario? I would love to hear anyone’s advice. I know she is in mourning and depression. She’s lost a lot of weight. She has cried over the situation during our recent conversations.

    Given that she failed to resuscitate him, how does that exacerbate the depression and mourning? How long can I expect her to feel this way? How can I rekindle the love that we once shared? It’s only been two months. Is it too soon for me to try to take steps — baby steps — to reconcile? Or, even reiterate how I feel about her?

    I would appreciate hearing from anyone who’s experienced this.

  19. My story is like many others but with a different twist.

    My wife is an addict. She had been addicted to alcohol and prescription drugs for over 7 years. She recently had an incident that got her agree to go to rehab which is something both her therapist and myself have been trying to convince her to do for some time.

    After rehab, she starting talking to two people she met there regularly. I was under the guise that they were just friends who shared a life changing experience and they needed to support each other in their recovery. Well of course it was more than that. She started to visit one of them occasionally. I eventually discovered that they became physical.

    I freaked. Here I am, the devastated husband of an addict where my life has sucked for so long due to her addiction, and she replaces the high with an emotional and a physical affair happening at the same time.

    She is working her recovery and I’m working mine. It’s tough though knowing what happened. She is not ready to try to reconcile since her main focus is her sobriety (she is sober now for about 100 days).

    She was looking haggard when she was using. Now that she is healthy, she is the beautiful woman that I fell in love with and married 19 years ago. Mentally and emotionally she is simply still not there. I understand that this is part of early recovery but in the meantime I feel that my life is on hold.

    I go to Al-anon and see a therapist but each day is still a struggle.

    The contact with the people was getting out of hand. At the urging of her therapist, we had her cell and our home phone numbers changed. The contact appeared to have stopped. Two days ago, we got a call from one of them on the home phone which by the way is unlisted. I freaking again, fearfull that my wife will not be able to not answer the phone.

    I know life is not supposed to be easy but it’s hell right now.

  20. Dear Jim,
    A year ago, I wish that someone had said to me what I am about to say to you. Get Out! Get out now. Let her figure out her struggle on her own. Don’t be dragged down into the spiraling whirlpool with her. Move out or more her out. Don’t take her phone calls. Give yourself a break from the insanity that is her addiction. (She is now replacing sexual addiction for the previous drug addiction) Go somewhere else and begin to work on you. Maybe many months or years from now the two of you can reconcile, but now is not the time. You are a co-dependant and enabler. You need to fix you. Leave her alone in her own struggles and find something that makes you happy. Good luck and when you are going through hell, remember to just keep going.
    Gillian

  21. Just when you think you have everything figured out life takes you for another ride your not ready for. My husband had an affair with my best friend, who also was my maid of honor in our wedding. After we got married I stopped my friendship with her because, another friend of mine, who was also a bridesmaid in our wedding, told me that my maid of honor wanted my husband. I thought I don’t need this, that was 6 years ago. I meet up with my maid of honor the first of this year. She had gotten married and had a daughter and was the happiest she had ever been, yeah right! I asked her about what was said about her wanting my husband and she said it was all a lie. I trusted her, that was my first mistake!So our friendship coutinued and I trusted her with everything. About 3 or 4 months into our friendship I notice my husband pulling away from me and getting closer to her. I would questioned both of them about what I thought was going on, and she would tell me I was over reacting and that I was depressed and need on anti-depressent meds. While my husband would tell me how crazy I was for thinking he was screwing my best friend. Well come to find out the two of them meet up at the Holiday Inn in the same town she lives and I work in, how stupid was that. I found out and comforted him, and he tried to deny everything until I threw the receipt from the Holiday Inn at him. The first thing he wanted to do was call her and tell her I knew everything. Then he went on to tell me he has never been in love with me, that he loved me but was not in love with me. Whatever that means. So he calls her and she tells him that she will not leave her husband. Then all the sudden he wants to work things out. It has been about 7 months and we are still together, but he doesn’t want to talk about the affair and I have tons of questions. He says he hasn’t seen or talked to her since the day all hell broke lose. I want to believe him but I find it hard too. He gets alot of text messages and I never know who they are from. I’ve called and talk to her husband about this to watch the cell phone bills and text messages, but he just doesn’t get the chance to do this. I don’t understand that either. Things have been going good until here recently. I’ve read everybody advice and most of you say get out and leave him alone, but I can’t. I love him more than anything. To make things even harder is we have a son together and I can’t take his daddy away from him. I know if I ask him to leave, he will never come back and I can’t bear the thought of that. I feel like I have lost everything. I can’t talk to him about this stuff, and I lost what I thought was my best friend. I’m so alone right now and I don’t know my head from my asshole right now. He just gave our son the talk about how lying is so wrong and if you lie about the little stuff your’re going to lie about everything. I thought to myself, nothing like calling the kettle black. He lied to me for 4 or 5 months when he was having the affair. When does the pain go away and things get back to normal? When do I stop over thinking everything? I just want to be loved the way I love him. Is that possible? I’ve always been the type to be on guard, but now I find myself ever more guarded. I don’t like being that person. Like tonight he lied to me about a little thing and when I found the truth out I freaked out. If he is lying to me about this what else is he not telling me? He gets so defense when I question anything. He left to go coon hunting and when I called him a little bit ago I just asked where he was hunting and all he said was I’m just hunting that’s where I’m at, he wouldn’t tell me where. That scares me because thats the way he was when he was having the affair. He would never tell me where he was going. Thanks for letting me vent and if anybody has any advice I’m willing to listen, or I guess read. To Evan, I’ve read all your entries and I admire the way you have taken control of your life, and you sound like a great goodlooking guy, I hope you can find the love of your life again. You desire it! To Stephen, this really isn’t advice but I wish the op in my life would suddenly die. I know that sounds very harsh and I’m not that kind of person, but she has cause me so much anger and hate for her that at this point I don’t really care what happens to her. It takes a great person to even try to help your wife get over the op death. One other thing that is hard for me to understand is her and her husband drawn up their will and left their 3 year old daughter to me. I miss her so much. I loved her like my own daughter. I’m at an all time low in my life right now and the only time I have to get this on my chest is when my son is sleeping. I don’t want him to see how much pain I’m in and I don’t want to disappoint him. I just want things to be normal again, but I don’t even know what normal is anymore. I pray every night that if my husband is not being faithful to show me a sign so I can get on with my life. I just want some closure. I wish I had that magic crystal ball to see what the future holds, but if I had those kind of powers I wouldn’t be here. I’m so confused, any advice?

  22. Wow you people are amazing!!

    I see pain, hurt, faith, hope, Love and despair all rolled into 1.. The human spirit is an amazing thing, you all are truely amazing..

    Just like you guys, I got hurt too!!

    I hope I dont waffle and I apologise if I do..

    My story, I met my wife 14 yrs ago, she was 19yrs old, involved with a abusive man, she had a child to him, he was only a baby, we met and became friends, we used to talk all the time and we just became true friends, looking back now I think I did! The friendship was pure and platonic..

    I discovered that a couple of years before we met, she was living in the US and was raped, she never seeked help/therapy etc.. and now she was in an abusive relationship, he beat her n stuff!!

    I asked her to leave him and she was attached because of the child, they got married and we lost touch.. I recieved a phone call a few years later and she called me an she had a 2nd child but had finaly left him, we resumed our friendship and we fell in love, we got married and that was about 10yrs ago..

    I’m waffling I’m sorry, we have had a lot of problems, interfering families, pysch baggage, our eldest son was diagnosed witha form of “Mental Illness” I was bankrupt cause of the pressures of the illness and heaps of other things happened all the way… I took on the two kids as my own as the biological dad didnt want anything else to do with them..

    I absolutely adorred this girl/woman but we had a lot of hardships, I used to call them invisible demons etc… But I never gave up, lost the house I owned, lost the great job(s) I held, lost my family cause they didnt want me to be with her, I sacrificed so much, I would’ve lost 10 fold more, just so we could be together..

    My wife decided to go back to the US for a holiday, we live in Australia, where she met her childhood sweet heart, this was the guy she was dating prior to getting raped, she left the Us after the incident, never told him why etc etc..

    While she was there soul searching where her life is at etc.. She decided to sleep with him, I was back home looking after the kids (my 2 sons) Upon her return, I knew something was wrong, just not sure what, I work in IT and was setting up her Laptop she got from the US to Aussie standards, I found a letter she had written to him, it explained everything that had happened, I confronted her, I was hurt, I wasnt mean or angry, I was just hurt, we went thru so much over the last years, we were ment to be unbreakable..

    She said it was something she had to do, he was an untainted part of her life, and after she left the US she met her ex who abused her etc etc.. So he was the last person she feels she felt “whole” with.. she said it was a mistake and that we would work through our marriage and go back to basics, we were always the best of friends, and we wanted to start again, I was willing, anyway over the months, she kept recieving text messages via her Cell phone, and she would be on her email constantly, everytime I asked she would deny it, saying I’m sorting my self out etc..

    I hacked her computer cause I just couldnt handle it and I found correspondence of a sexual nature, and the affair was still going, I was so upset I said I would leave, I just felt for the kids as they love and adore me..

    I said I would hang around and help with the transition, so she wouldnt be left out in th lurch… but we have been spending a lot of time together as friends, and I am learning so much more about our history, she has a lot of demons she is carrying and she will commence therapy/councelling…

    She has asked for time, but she is still in touch with him, she says the relationship is not like it was before…he is somebody she has admitted she has feelings for but she says she loves me and wants us to work but right now she needs to sort herself out, What do I do

    E

  23. disillusioned says

    I am soooo sad. I have lost my friend of 15 yrs. How can this mean something to me and not to him. I devoted my life to being a good wife and mom. Now I question everything I do because I don’t want to be the proverbial doormat any longer. I still love him oh so much but he has hurt me and continues to hurt me by still seeing her. I spoke with her when I 1st found out about them 3mos. ago- she is vile. She told me they had unprotected sex and that she didn’t care about me or our children – just him.ok. Who says that to another female -who is truly hurt and was just blindsided by the affair. I cry everyday and I put on the happy face for everyone else to see. I have to be strong for our kids- he has pulled away from them and me and then reappears as if only to convince himself that we still care. I hate waking up in the morns. now. I hate the falseness. I hate feeling so bitter. I hate smiling when, I’m crying inside for someone to hold me and make it all better. I see friends all around me that haven’t given a dam about their children or their spouses only their own needs and their husbands adore them. I on the other hand catered to mine and look where I am now. I am the other woman now because he sneaks to be with her and he calls her but doesn’t call me. So you see she has him and I have lost. I know logically that he is not worth the time I am giving this but he has always been such a huge part of me. I loved spending time with him. I watch him as he walks through our home and I love him still. Some days I don’t think I can face another disappointment- it has changed who I am. I can’t hold my head up high or meet other peoples eye contact for fear that they will see my rau hurt. I have to go on for my boys but sometimes I think its all too hard. I feel like giving up…

  24. Disillusioned-So sorry about the way things are turning out for you. Share your hurt with your friends. You shouldn’t face it alone. The more you do for someone, the more you love them. You love him so much b/c you constantly did things for him. He on the other hand expected it, took you for granted and was self-centered. Don’t let him treat you that way! You don’t deserve it. you deserve better. You deserve someone who will treat you with love and respect. Don’t settle for anything less and make sure that you treat yourself with love and respect also. There’s a book out there call “love must be tough”. It basically says that you can’t be a doormat and the spouse won’t respect you if you don’t set boundaries. Let him go, in fact, boot him out. He’ll soon realize what he has and if he doesn’t, then you don’t need him. Good luck!

  25. I am a married MAN of 37 having 7 yr old daughter. I came into contact with my wife’s sister, 2years back, when she shifted to our residence for studying her computer engineering. her IQ and overall intelligence level is fairly high, and since am an Academic, mine matches with her.
    We used to keep distance in our relationship due to age difference and position difference also, almost for one year, we didnt come together. Once while discussing something truly technical, I solved her problems and she got very impressed on me, n gave me a Hug!!!
    I was also quite attracted to her, honestly and that action of hers began our relationship.
    We have both agreed to not CROSS the LINE but we often get engaged Physically, without having any intercourse. My wife seriously feels that her sister’s seduced me etc, where I have assured her that its nothing between us, we are just friends! Now am i a dilemma, whether this type of relationship,I mean Inhouse relationship shall be continued or not? Looking futurisric, my wife has expelled her sis from our home and now she lives in a Hostel.
    We both miss each other like HELL, we need each other’s company, so some time we meet outside, discuss, chat etc to feel good. The Problem is we cant part each others company, but we cant get married also. please suggest, advice please!

  26. I have been married 17yrs and I honestly thought that things were going pretty good..About 4 years ago I found out that my husband was cheating. I confronted him after getting some really hard and painful evidence. To say the least he was stunned,,if I hadn’t have caught him I still wonder if I would have ever known..When I did he immediately called me crazy and was extremley defensive, I don’t really think that he thought that I could prove it..He immediately decided to move out that night, which I think he wanted all along. Never once admitting to it and he also didn’t want to discuss the proof. He acted like I was a paranoid,CRAZY wife accussing the devoted husband,father and provider, it cracked me up that he was still claiming his innocence and somehow he was gonna show me by leaving, but it did just the opposite, it confirmed everything!! He did return a week later professing his love and wanted to come home. I told him that I had to know the details because that was the worst week for me and my 2 boys ever and I needed answers!! He told me who she was and that she too was married w/a child. I told him I needed some time to think and that he should do the same..he never left me alone though..He came over for Valentine’s Day a couple of weeks later and brought me some really beautiful flowers and left..Well I felt kind of ok, that he brought them to me but he didn’t stay,,well later that day I wondered why he wasn’t as pushy as every other day, so I looked at his cell records and there it was HER #..As soon as he dropped off those flowers he called her, not sure if he saw her or not that night??
    My next step was confronting him again, he said that he had called to her to tell her it was over. He eventually moved back in with us and things seemed to be going good but while we were at Walmart she called his cell,,he was loading groceries into the back while I started and cooled off the car..I answered it and she immediately hung up..needless to say we argued all the way home,,later that day he changed his cell number, probably to placate me but I thought it was time to confront her! I went to her work and in front of everyone I told her to leave my husband alone,,she ushered me outside and said that it wasn’t at all what I thought it was, how would she know what I thought it was? I simply said that if I found out she contacted him again I would let her husband know, yeah you guessed it she called him at work, which he actually told me..I proceeded to call her husband and tell him everything,,gave him my proof and he did some investigating of his own..He checked the nights he worked that they were both off together, phone calls to his cell, pager from his work, and he said that he actually had met my husband, and that he seemed to always be around this new group of friends she had..Come to find out(he told me)it turned her on to be with her husband at a restaurant/bar and have mine watch them(it prob. turned him on too, though he would never admit that). A couple of weeks later he called me and said that she confessed and he was divorcing her.. Sure enough as soon as her divorce was final she called him back at work and told him that her circumstances had changed and that if he wanted, she would be there.. I could have handled all of it but not knowing drove me insane. It was the imagining them together, and how much they spoke of me and her husband and if they ever laughed about it together.. I know that maybe that didn’t happen but its the not knowing that so bothered me!! This is the really UNBELIEVABLE part….I went to my gynocologist 2 years after the affair,,I had an abnornal papsmear,,they did some biopsys and blood tests,, and yes I am positive for displasia!! Which means that I contracted HPV from her..This was the most devestating thing for me and him to go thru.,I asked him if he had worn a condom and his reply was “we were safe, we are both married” I wonder if he really thought that he was the only one she cheated with,,so I not only had sex with my husband, but her, her husband and whoever they had cheated with..I just thought could he be this stupid?? Apparantly so!! Here I was having a talk with my teenage son about having safe sex and I should’ve been giving it his DADDY too!! The ending to this story is that we went through alot of therapy, and its been a long road but I think that we have built back alot of what was torn down..I don’t know if this would ever happen again but I can’t help but worry when I am out of town, or he is off with the guys, or if they still even communicate..But I have to have some faith in our love for each other..I know that he is very sorry, and he has told me that it had nothing to do with me, it was him wanting to see if he was still attractive to other women..If it was just that, after they had sex the first time that question should have been answered..I often wonder if he loved her,,I can’t imagine being intimate with someone for 2 yrs and not loving them.. So to all of you that are trying to make it work have faith in yourself and pull strength from your loved ones,,all you can do is follow your hearts(staying isn’t for all). Thats all I am doing, but if you have had enough god bless you and I wish the best for all of your broken hearts!! As for me it seems he has gotten past it, and I am wanting it to work out as well..I hate it that I have to doubt my marriage, and the only man I have ever loved..If its supposed to be it will but one false move and I am done that is the only sure thing I know!!!
    Take Care!!

  27. Floatingalong says

    Myspace, his picture appeared on my wifes friends list, then I saw the “Sweetie, how you doin” comments. I worried. I told her I worried. She said he was just a friend. Then Facebook. His picture reappears on her friends list. I note posts on each others walls as our marriage was extremely lacking. Then they met. Then I heard the “Im not sure I love you anymore”. Then I saw hundreds of txt msgs back and forth and it was all exposed then. Rather than suddenly wanting to make it work, she said she was done with both of us. Feels trapped. Feels stuck. Is going through a midlife crisis with new tattoos and piercings. For about a month things seemed okay between us, getting better. But then he txt messages her. How do I get her to see that he is not just a friend anymore? She refuses to realize the damage it has done. There are many other male friends we mutually have that she is not romantically interested in, but her interest in him has made that relationship damaging to us. I hope she comes to her senses. I love her deeply.

  28. I have spent all morning reading through these stories – mine of course is very similar. I suspected a year ago when he sent me a text meant for her – he brought her to my house and we sat and made small talk and had lunch together – at that time I found many other texts on her phone between them talking about hugging and kissing and I went demented – he moved out for a while and then came back – I suspected something was going on and he told me over and over that they had just kissed – there was nothing more. We started to go for couple’s counselling and the counsellor told him he had to come clean so he announced – five weeks back now that he had slept with her – in the car, in the grass on the side of the road – in a bed and breakfast on a Saturday morning when he told me that he was working – she is 10 years younger than me with 2 very young children – we have been together for 11 years (though the last year doesn’t really count) and he has helped me raise my wonderful boys who are 13 and 17. He is incredibly body conscious – to the point of obsession and she was much heavier than me – much – he told me every sordid and graphic detail of their liaisons – I wanted to know. He has now been out of the house for 5 weeks and we are still going to counselling and trying to work through this mess. The problem is that he won’t stop contact with this girl – I don’t believe the affair is continuing (on a physical level) but he does speak to her and bbm her regularly – she even knew that we were going away on holiday together with my kids. WTF?? The counsellor has told him time and time and time again that he needs to end all contact and he just won’t – says that I’m not to push him – he’ll do it in his own time – he won’t get rid of her as a friend on Facebook and she makes stupid comments like “yellow tulips” and “diamonds, diamonds, diamonds” – I never found out what those comments meant. I know I should chuck him out but it’s so hard and I love him so very much.

  29. My story is similar to the others here and gives me great comfort. About 4 years ago I was depressed from my career not going well,living with my mother in law, bills and pressures of trying to raise children. My wife was my beautiful queen, so innocent and caring. We started going out with her coworkers who at the time were mostly players and cheaters. We were always together though. She eventually wanted to go out more but the babysitting dried up and she still wanted to go out. I tried to be a supportive husband by watching the kids because I didn’t want her to feel stifled and I had the philosophy that I had to trust that she would make the right decisions. More and more she would go out without me until she was gone most days of the week and never invited me out anymore. Then about 2 years ago she was acting funny and constantly covering her laptop screen and staying up late. I would go on to eventually discover she was talking dirty to a guy she met on facebook. At the time I did not know the level of deceit that was there. She had an affair with the guy and I was devastated! I tried to convince her to comeback to me but I was so angry and hurt. She eventually did come back but only because he ended it because he felt guilty about betraying his wife. While I tried to recover from the betrayal, a few months later she began another affair. After a month I set a ultimatum and she begged me to come back. I thought everything was ok and I was trying to heal again but 2 weeks later I began to be suspicious. I used my phone as a tracking device and discovered she was at his house. i was hurt again! She had back issues and i nursed her to health, even to the point of helping her when she had to go to the bathroom. I stayed up to give her the medicine she needed on schedule. While she was still in pain and I was caring for her, the OP called her because he was drunk and needed a ride home. She was in pain but still did it and he wasn’t even where he was suppose to be. As she healed from back surgery, i had to go through the pain of her spending morning with him while I worked by butt off for her and the kids. He couldn’t hold a job for longer than 3 weeks and is an alcoholic who is possessive and controlling (tells her who she can be friends with and what clothes she is allowed to wear at work) but she still saw fit to by him his booze, smokes and food. Since we were not rich and one income less than usual it put a strain on my family financially. During that stretch our power was shut off for 2 days. My kids and I suffered but she didn’t because she just watched tv and showered over there. He always is drunk and treats her with disrespect. He would steal her cell phone and call me to gloat and harass me. With our relationship she would say I still love you and every time I try to walk out she would would beg me to stay and say she loves both of us. I have been dealing with this situation for 8 long months and both issues for 2 years. I’m so tired. At one point I became so depressed I was hospitalized for depression. She says she couldn’t visit me because she couldn’t get a sitter for the kids but she found time to visit him. I feel like such a fool! He always seems to do something really stupid and she keeps taking him back for whatever reason. I can’t understand it because I was always the type of husband I was there when she needed a shoulder to cry on or a ear to listen to how her day went? Currently she says she wants to make a decision and she is leaning towards coming back to me…just be patient with her but I have heard that many times before. Everyday is tearing me apart. She was my heart and soul but I feel like if I was so loved then why would you do that to me? She would even go as far as saying that I am the better man, which I already know because the guy is classless! Thanks for letting me vent!

    Jay

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