Infidelity Help: People are Making it!

December 8, 2007 by 1 Comment

It’s good to know there is an end, is it not?

And, to reach the end, we need a beginning point.

Change can happen! Change does happen! Infidelity does not mean your world is forever crashed. Just the opposite.

A new world is being created for you.

Don’t take my word for it. Read these comments from those who began to feel the change and shift after reading “Break Free From the Affair.”

>>>My husband would not talk to me at all. I identified the type(s) of affair, used the suggested guidelines and he has started to communicate with me (slowly, but the wall is coming down).

>>>I began to feel more confident and more in control. I was able to really see how the affair is not my fault. I was also able to identify a pattern in my spouse which helps me to better deal with the situation. The book also gave me some hope that perhaps my spouse will come back and if not I know that I will be a better and stronger person regardless.

>>>Only just read it but feel slightly more hopeful. I can see that I am acting in a needy way and will now try to back off. I realise this is going to take time to come to terms with.

>>>Has reiterated what I have know for years. I know that he will never accept accountability for his actions. So I really need to learn how I can take care of me without the guilt

>>>Gave me validation & understanding of what was occurring.

>>>I was able to use the information to better understand how my husband avoided intimacy by having an affair

>>>It gave me the tools I needed to help me deal with the frustration and wide range of emotions that I was going through.

>>>Breaking Free helped me see that my situation was not hopeless! In fact, I now feel empowered to deal with my situation rather than feeling that situation was dealing with me! It has been a life saver.

>>>It gave me a good guide in what not to say or do when he comes around me. I was getting there on my own but the book gave me a few additional ideas to use.

>>>Charging neutral and understanding that it is not my fault has been very helpful.

>>>It encouraged & validated me. Also helped me understand that what I was experiencing was normal. It really explained what was occurring. Last gave me tools to cope. Thank you!

Filed Under: Infidelity Testimonials

Infidelity’s Wrath and Craziness: “My Marriage Made Me Do It”

November 30, 2007 by Leave a Comment

Where does this come from? – a common reaction to someone facing a “My Marriage Made Me Do It” affair. Please read Brenda’s comments as she reflects on her struggle with this kind of affair:

I do NOT read for pleasure – I am NOT a reader (only for requirements professionally and academically).

HOWEVER I did get through “Break Free From the Affair” in a day – wish I had it 2 years ago (or more).

Even the details of the timing and the ‘activity’ or ‘behaviour’ of me was bang on.

My ex left at Christmas in 2005 – I started seeing my psychologist within about 1-2 months.

He heard a very detailed story like Affair #1 – My marriage made me do it – and he mentioned at the time that he never had a patient so clearly describe the downward spiral of a marriage, the emotional and verbal abuse, etc. (and the magical thinking that occured – especially after he left)

Your book, in combination of another one (can’t remember the specific name – I think … “not just friends’), whereby it specifically talks about the spouse feeling like they are betraying their ’emotional affair person or OP” when they are intimate with their spouse – BUT did NOT feel that their emotional affair was betraying the spouse was amazing!!

With fewer than 1/2 dozen instances of physical intimacy per year over the last 3-4 years of the marriage (while their emotional affair built up – because he fostered her through her divorce for 2 years), the vile hatred and contempt that my ex expressed/directed at me was unbelievable and always within an hour of that encounter – that knowledge years ago might have been nice! :-) and you are right REGARDLESS of what I did, offered to do, and complied with his requests to make changes in my behaviours or actions, he became worse.

I was finally glad to read the statistics from (ahh, can’t remember the female docs name) regarding the 4,100 male executives and only 3% of them having affairs married their affaired partner / mistress (and the work / details of Dr. Pittman’s work revealing / detailing the 5 factors that caused those couples that marry, when it started in an affair – WHY their relationship ultimately ends) BUT your book seemed a bit ‘more promising for them’ ….. (meaning well more than a 3% chance that they will marry)

That while the OP is the SAVIOUR, that ‘perfect world and perfect relationship’ actually does deteriorate.

Just wish I had all these details, facts (I love statistics) and the reasoning as to WHY (just like you knew the marraige was 8-9 likely to end), when people do this it doesn’t work so well (and the life they thought would be so much better IF it just weren’t because their life was ruined by their spouse – and had they only met their saviour earlier in life – their life would have been perfect because of this perfect soul mate).

I have a hard time believing that it breaks down the same way – when this person starts out as a ‘perfect saviour’ – it must have a somewhat different course (especially because the affair starts in a lie, while the marriage was NOT based upon ‘secretive and or forbidden meetings’ like theirs).

I would very much appreciate getting the more specific details of the ‘course of the affaired relationship’ HOW and in what timeframe does that relationship start to fray ????

Most sincerely, and THANK YOU

Brenda

Filed Under: Extramarital Affair Types

Infidelity Fears: The Fear of Being Alone

November 23, 2007 by 8 Comments

Overcoming and recovering from infidelity often means facing our personal ghosts.

And, believe it, facing those personal ghosts is usually THE best, most powerful, subtle, yet to-the-point strategy to stop the affair dead in its tracks.

Guaranteed? No, much depends on the kind of affair facing you and a few other factors.

But, believe me, it’s your best shot.

And here’s the kicker. YOU become the HUGE winner, regardless of what s/he does or the road the two of them take.

You CANNOT lose when you grab yourself by the shoulders, look into your eyes and declare to yourself and the world: “We’re gonna face this! Look out! Here we come! I will NEVER be the same!”

So, what do you face? What fear do you face?

Here’s one: the fear of the unknown.

Infidelity trashes your dreams and hopes for your future, the future of your family and relationship. You are left with a possibility – strong possibility – of being alone.

And you are not absolutely sure what that will look like.

Your future, perhaps alone, is unknown and it scares the bejeebies out of you.

I can’t state this more powerfully.

But, listen to one of my subscribers. Please.

What she says may change the flow of your life, the affair and your marriage.

Here’s her fear and how she stared it down:

I’ve wondered why I couldn’t handle the thought of my husband leaving me for “the other woman”. After all, why was I still in love with him after such a betrayal? I only knew that I couldn’t stand the thought of throwing away 22 years of marriage over something that started in a bar with one too many drinks in both of them.

Here’s what I know to be true of me. I don’t like change. I’m loyal to a fault and will fight to the bitter end if it’s something or someone I believe in.

I guess I believed in my husband. It took a year and eight months for him to come around, even though he ended it with the other woman after two and a half months. My fear of losing him made me bend over backwards to make him happy. My fears kept me from making him move out.

I blamed myself for not being “enough” for him. I finally woke up one day after him telling me for the hundredth time that he didn’t think he loved me and I left with our youngest child and the family dog.

Finally the fear of the unknown was less scary to me than living the rest of my life with someone who said he didn’t love me. I could no longer bear it and the stress of that roller coaster (it would be good for two months and then he’d say he didn’t love me again) was going to kill me!

I found out it’s what I should have done from the start. I was too afraid if I kicked him out, it would drive him right into her arms.(They also worked out of town together and stayed at the same Motel which I felt made it very easy to keep it going)

In the end, leaving took away the confusion for him and he realized he didn’t want to lose me or our family as a solid unit. Before I always sensed he had one foot out the door, but now I can tell he’s one hundred percent recommitted to me and our family.

He still works with the other woman, but I no longer fear that. I know it’s me he truly loves. So in closing, my fear of the unknown and my insecurity almost lost me my marriage.

When I developed a backbone, my husband realized he could no longer take me for granted and he finally came to see that he also had to bend over backwards for me!

Our marriage has been transformed and we have both learned that in order to have a great relationship, you have to put your partner first, even ahead of your children.

One thing I would suggest to couples dealing with infidelity is to read as many books on the subject as you can as well as books about how to have a better relationship, even if they don’t discuss infidelity. They are all a great help and you can learn something new in every book.

Filed Under: Infidelity Fears
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