Here is a very insightful e-mail from someone who has poured over my material, and probably the material of many others. She describes a powerful dilemma, if not expressed by others, at least felt by others. Here is her e-mail:

It strikes me that you’re sending something of a double-bind message in these materials. On the one hand, I’m by no means to consider any of this to be my fault, but on the other, I should set about improving myself, perhaps with the underlying intention of “winning him/her back.”

And as I embark on my “improvement” program I find myself in competition with the OP (other person.) Now, how can I “win” that? She gets the candlelight, conversations and sexual excitement of dimly lit hotel rooms. I get the harsh and utterly unforgiving light of day-to-day reality.

Quite right that I need to be fit and happy for myself, but some of this seems like a game to me… a game I seemingly can’t win. I’m tired of the game.

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My Response:

Gosh, you hit the nail on the head! THE dilemma: Do I need to play the game better? Or, How do I extricate myself from the game and still care about him?

After all, an affair is a game, initiated usually by someone who is developmentally arrested (most did not “do” adolescence very well), has a character disorder (loves “the game”), Struggles with addictions or suffers from feelings of inadequacy (needs to prove their adequacy or migrates to those familiar feelings of being inadequate).

Because he/she plays the game doesn’t mean that you have to. It also means you can (eventually, perhaps) care and “connect” with him/her.

Yes, The affair in NOT your fault. Did you make mistakes? Well, I would assume so! Who doesn’t? And really, you don’t carry the power to control the behavior of others! :)

Yes, the “improvements” are subtly conveyed as those things we need to do to win the game or get the guy. And, of course, they don’t work, or if they work, we get the guy and say, “Hmmmm, is this all there is!?” And, if we pursue these “improvements” to win him/her back we are merely playing the game, and feel this lack of personal integrity.

Not playing the game means standing back, learning about you, seeing the affair for what it REALLY is, and connecting to your partner by making comments “about” him/her, the situation and/or yourself.

For example, you assume this other person is getting something special – and our media does a number on us with their portrayal of “romantic love.” It may appear so, but affair relationships have a terribly horrible track record. I get a number of emails from those involved in an affair who feel trapped or on a course of self-destruction. And, usually those relationships self-destruct in very messy ways.

Learning about yourself is very different from “making improvements” you described. You don’t have to improve! You need not “get better!” You are ok. But, you do want to grow and create a richer more whole life for yourself and those you touch. This goes beyond a hard body, although a hard body might feel good and be what you want also. But, you want it for you, not to strut and seduce him (although sometimes that is fun!).

Here are some questions you may ask, to move you in the direction of self awareness and away from the game playing:

1. What am I tolerating? What am I willing to tolerate? How and what can I stop tolerating?

2. How can I simplify my life – getting rid of all the relational and physical clutter – so I live from a center of peace (well, sometimes at least)?

3. How do I clear my mind of all the thoughts of what I should’ve, could’ve or would’ve done? How do I throw off the baggage I carry?

4. How do I become a person of extreme integrity – doing that which is right/healthy FOR ME?

5. How do I speak my personal needs in a way that others naturally want to respond, “yes, let me know how I can help you.” How do you get beyond your neediness?

6. What do I need to do right now to manage my life (finances, children, body, work, etc.) in a way that gives a sense of well being, where I can say, “This is good!”

7. What boundaries need to surround me to protect my soul, heart and mind from the slings and arrows of toxic people and situations?

8. What are the standards in my life? How can I double my standards to be more fully me?

9. How can I create reserves of time, space, money, energy, opportunity, love, information, wisdom, self and integrity in my life – getting beyond my neediness so I may live bound by purpose?

10. How can I live RIGHT NOW rather than regretting the past or fearing the future?

11. How can I surround me with people I want and who are good for me and me for them?

12. How do I protect what is vitally important for me?

13. How do I orient my life around my values so I feel truly fulfilled by the goals I set and met?

As you move through these questions (and you won’t complete this in a couple days, or weeks, or months) declare your thoughts and findings to him/her. Act on tolerating less, let him/her know your boundaries, state your standards, live out your values in his/her presence.

And, feel free to make comments regarding what you observe, or don’t observe in his/her life.

Don’t compete. Don’t try to measure up. Be you. And, be curious about him/her.

I know – easier said than done. But here is a game plan that puts you above the “game.”

Never in a million years did you expect this! Never in a million years did family, friends, neighbors, social, work and church acquaintances expect this! Never! Everyone is in shock. No can believe s/he is doing this. An affair – not in anyone’s wildest imaginations.

S/he was a truly good, caring person. S/he was reliable and responsible. A good parent. A good spouse. A good partner. S/he was liked by most and got along with people. Always accommodating. Always considerate. Willing to go the extra mile. The two were often referred to as the “perfect couple.”

White picket fence. Mini-van always on the go. A typical happy family. Seemingly having it all!

And now it’s discovered that s/he is having an affair. What in the world is going on???

Actually, this is a fairly common scenario. At least, I, as an infidelity coach, run into this pattern on a frequent basis.

Here are some observations on this extramarital affair pattern:

1. Such infidelity is often with someone of a “lower social class.” The OP (other person) is thought of by many as a “loser.” The OP may have a history of unstable relationships. Often substance abuse is in the picture. The two of them together certainly, to most, seem to be a gigantic miss-match.

2. The feelings and emotional tug and pull of the affair is for him/her extremely powerful. S/he may say that for the first time s/he is “in love.” S/he may say to the spouse, “I love you, but am not ‘in love’ with you.” One is reminded of affair #4 in Break Free From the Affair, “I fell in love…and just love being in love.” S/he cannot or chooses not to explain the affair in any other terms other than “I’m in love.”

3. S/he seems to live in two worlds. To others s/he does an amazing job of moving from one world to another. S/he continues to parent, work and fulfill responsibilities, although at times it seems as if s/he is not really “there.”

4. S/he may express anger, especially at the partner or spouse, although it may be rather indirect. It emerges typically as affair #1: “The Marriage Made me Do it.” The spouse may be incredulous as s/he hears him/her saying, “The marriage was lousy. You never paid attention to me. You did this. You did that.” Etc. Most of these “issues” were not previously addressed.

5. If there is a degree of awareness on his/her part, s/he may disclose: “I need to find out who I really am. And, I feel like I can be myself with the OP.” S/he is, in reality, devoid of an inner core or self. S/he spent most of her/his energy accommodating others, basing his/her actions on what s/he thought others or society expected. Bottom line: s/he gives tremendous power to others, especially those of the opposite sex to define who s/he is, especially as a psycho-sexual being. S/he lacks an internal compass.

6. S/he is on a path of self-destruction. This is obvious to everyone but him/her. Again, if there is a degree of awareness, s/he may admit: “Yes, I know this might not work out, but I can’t help it.”

7. S/he may express little remorse. This comes as a huge surprise and shock to those who know him/her best. S/he is compelled to continue contact with the OP and a part of her/him is convinced this is something s/he MUST do. Damn the torpedoes. Straight ahead. And, s/he spends insignificant time apologizing.

So, what gives in this kind of affair?

In talking to probably hundreds of people facing this scenario and inquiring about their history and his/her history a persistent theme emerges.

S/he at one point in his/her life experienced some form of abuse. Often it was sexual in nature, such as rape, incest at worst and great confusion regarding sexuality at a minimum.

S/he spent tremendous energy compartmentalizing this experience(s). S/he with great determination tried to “put it away.” S/he worked hard trying to be “normal.”

S/he watched others and listened closely to what society ideally expects so s/he could become a “good person.” (A basic tenet of abuse: the victim comes to believe “there is something wrong with me. I must be defective”)

The spouse/partner perhaps knew of the abuse but s/he relayed the story in an off-hand manner. The emotional intensity was camouflaged.

And now the hidden and minimized emotional intensity spews forth and now s/he must cope along with family, friends, spouse.