Archives for September 2008

I’m doing research on confronting the other person. Although this man did not confront the OP, he did confront his wife in a powerful way, and it seemed to work for him.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

After my W decided to separate I discovered few e-mails exchanged with her high school lover with whom she had a one night stand during their reunion and with whom she continued a long distance affair, even during our marriage therapy! To my shock I also discovered erotic messages exchanged with a co-worker and a message from a friend of hers telling “the hell with your H, go out and find somebody with whom you have chemistry and brings food on your table”. I was shocked, I vomited and I wanted to sort our problems under the same roof, w/o physical separation.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

My W turned white when I confronted her; said with the 1st lover it happened only once and with the co-worker is only a flirt and if I say something more about this guy she will go and “#$&% with him” the following day. When asked how she feel sleeping with her first lover she said she felt sorry for me finding out. Then turned nervous about me snooping through her e-mails. After a day she turned nice and was obsessed about what am I going to do with the evidence. She was afraid I will expose her affair to her boss.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Absolutely. If involved in affairs, cheaters will continue to lie, minimize their actions. I waited three excruciating days until I confronted my W, but I would stay longer, get more evidence, a backbone and definitely support. Do not beg, ask for another chance, cry. Set clear boundaries and if the cheating spouse is willing to repair the broken trust, relationship, marriage, state clear you want proof the OP is completely out of the picture. The impression you can stop the behavior by exposing the evidence is false, they will continue on the infidelity path until they hit rock bottom. When having suspicions about an affair going in your spouse life it is usually what is happening. Get info on cheating people behavior and not be fooled by lack of complaining and improved sex life; you are simply a body, used in the most dirty manner. Definitely, do not involve family, close friends about the affair. They mean the best either for you, your spouse, but they cannot make decisions for you.

Coach’s comments:

I give this man credit for thinking through his actions and for learning. It sounds like this was a tremendous learning experience for him. He did his homework. Set some goals. Stuck with them. And got the optimum result he wanted.

He describes a strategy that some call “tough Love.” Set some boundaries. Hold firm. Don’t give in.

This strategy works best for the “I Don’t Want to Say No” Affair. Her “turning white” was her humiliation for being found out and the fear of being exposed. Once he held his ground, and she knew he would NOT back down, she called off her threats.

There may be thrown in here a tad bit of “My Marriage Made Me Do It” and perhaps “I Need to Prove My Desirability.” There is an undercurrent of anger or outright hostility emerging from somewhere and she seems cut off from appropriate feelings toward her husband.

Do you have thoughts? I and others would appreciate your comments below.