You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole.
Trying to influence the direction of an affair with strategies and tactics that are appropriate and designed for another type of affair is worse than futile. You efforts may cause more harm than good.
Confronting the Other Man: Protecting the Wife
June 2, 2009 by Leave a Comment
Understanding the nature of your marriage and the coping pattern(s) of your spouse may offer a clue as to whether or not to confront the other person. It also may be predictive in terms of the kind of response you might encounter.
Consider the case study below. I would guess that the cheating wife was engaged in a “I Need to Prove My Desirability” type of affair.” These people are often very vulnerable to a sexual predator or narcissistic personality.
The husband seemed to have some knowledge of her underlying pattern, as indicated by accepting with calm the response of the other person. The husband was at some level determined to protect his wife and the bond between the two of them.
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
I thought they were just phoning each other but I wanted to know the inside story so I called him.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
He told me ” I f….d her.” He tried to create that wedge between us. It did not work. I knew it was he who sought after her due to the numerous incoming calls and the fact she called me several times afterwards due to guilt. Our relationship is stronger now. I am going to stop working away from home and stay home to watch for these predators. He wanted to move in and take over my home.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
Yes. I would stay home and work in our area and pay more attention to her activities and callers. She was just curious and found out there are vast numbers of cheaters out their who prey on lonely women.
The Final Infidelity: Knowing When it’s Over
February 20, 2009 by Leave a Comment
The infidelity or blatant flaunting of the infidelity may be a marker that the marriage is over.
The act of infidelity or an affair is an act of disrespect, for self, for family and for spouse. It truly is a poor choice in attempting to meet personal needs or send a message to the spouse.
Most infidelity is a flailing attempt to deal with patterns in one’s life and strong unrecognized personal needs. Once an awareness emerges of those patterns or the person discovers that the flailing is in vain, they begin the learning and maturation process.
Some just don’t “get it.” And… it’s time to move on.
A scenario:
1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?
Saying the affair is over, but also he is not giving up his friend. He sees no reason to give up his friend and she is also married. In fact, my husband, his mistress and her husband all work in the same office. My husband is the company head. Telling everyone else that there is nothing going on between them. Very defensive when I ask him to choose. Says I am giving ultimatums to which he does not subscribe. Says he is comfortable with the way his life is going and I should do whatever I want, because it would make no difference. Split up our bank account and said that I have to take care of myself from now on. Now that I am taking care of myself, he is now angry that I am doing so. Says that I am behaving that I can do without him. Mocks me when I try to have a discussion about about our marriage. Refuses to talk about what is bothering him. This has been going on for 4 years.
2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?
I separated form him. He did not make any attempts to resolve the matter, so i filed for a divorce. I took back my life and I am now in graduate school, forging a new path for myself.