Suviving the Affair: What it Takes

January 27, 2009 by 9 Comments

Surviving the affair often seems like a daunting task upon the first few days of discovery. And, it is.

The affair hits below the belt and we are shocked, confused, etc.

Read what these two people did to survive the affair:

It has now been 6 months. After the dust settled I asked all the questions I need answers to. We decided we wanted to stay married & sought counseling right away. I made certain rules for him to abide by. He became totally transparent. I had access to everything I needed, computer, cell phone, ALL credit & bank statements. He stayed home, unless I knew exactly where he was. This started to restore the trust I had lost. We opened up more & talked more. This started the healing process. We began having “dates” & doing more together as a couple. If anything, this whole earth shattering experience has made us closer, we appreciate each other more than we have in years. The pain remains, but gets better every day. There is hope and a way to survive.

It was a week before I gave birth to our first child when I found out. It was extremely painful and having a new baby to take care of was the only thing that kept me grounded and able to function.

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Surviving and Thriving Through Infidelity

November 6, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Yes, You can survive infidelity. And, you can use your infidelity crisis as a springboard for change and growth – becoming who you truly are.

Here are comments from someone on the journey:

1. What kind of affair faced you?

I HAVE CHEATED ON MY HUSBAND AND HE HAS CHEATED ON ME SO I GUESS IT IS GETTING BACK AT EACH OTHER.

2. What are 2-3 resources that helped you survive and cope with the infidelity?

1. READING YOUR BOOKS AND OTHER RELATED BOOKS ON RESTORATION OF MARRIAGES.
2. HAVING STRONG SPIRITUAL PEOPLE AROUND ME TO HELP ME AND GUIDE ME.
3. BECOMING AWARE THAT I NEEDED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF FIRST AND BECOMING THE BEST ME I CAN BE. PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY.

3. Describe 2-3 break-through moments or events that helped you see the affair from a different perspective, provided healing or helped make a decision?

1. READING YOUR BOOKS HAS HELPED ME BEGIN TO LOOK AS TO WHAT I WANTED OUT OF LIFE AND WHAT KIND OF LIFE I WANTED IN MY FUTURE. I BECAME AWARE AFTER I FILED FOR DIVORCE THAT I DID NOT WANT A DIVORCE BUT I NEEDED TO SEEK TO RENEW A BETTER RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND OF 18 YEARS. WE WERE BOTH HURTING EACH OTHER AND DOING THE BLAME GAME. I REALIZED THAT ONE OF US HAD TO EXTEND A HAND I I CHOOSE TO DO SUCH. IT IS NOT QUITE THERE BUT I HAVE A VISION OF US BECOMING CLOSER IN TIME. I KNOW THAT IT WILL NOT BE A QUICK DEAL BUT I AM WILLING TO DO THE HARD WORK TO MAKE IT WORK FOR US.

4. What have you learned about yourself as a result of the infidelity?

THAT I NEEDED TO TRUST MY HUSBAND MORE AND NOT DECIDE AND CHOOSE WHAT INFORMATION IS IMPORTANT FOR HIM TO KNOW. I HID WHAT WAS REALLY HAPPENING TO ME INSTEAD OF LETTING HIM KNOW THE TRUTH. I ALSO SEE THE NEED FOR OPEN COMMUNICATION AND BECOMING TRANSPARENT. THAT I SHOULD NOT JUMP TO ASSUMPTIONS BECAUSE THERE ARE ALWAYS THREE SIDES TO SOMETHING. MY SIDE HIS SIDE AND THE TRUTH. THE TRUTH WILL ONLY COME OUT WITH OPEN COMMUNICATION

5. What have you to offer others who experience infidelity?

THAT THEY ARE NOT ALONE. THAT WE ALL HAVE A HUMAN SIDE TO US. WE CANNOT KEEP BLAMING OURSELVES OR OTHERS BUT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR PART AND CHEATING IS NEVER THE WAY TO DEAL WITH ISSUES.WE ALL HAVE CHOICES BUT SOMETIMES WE MAKE BAD CHOICES BUT IT DOES NOT MAKE US A BAD PERSON JUST BAD CHOICES AT SOME POINT IN OUR LIFE. WE NEED TO LEARN TO KNOW WHAT WE WANT BECAUSE IF WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT WE WANT WE WILL ACCEPT ANYTHING ANYONE GIVE US.

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Surviving infidelity: The Empathy Challenged Cheating Spouse

October 24, 2008 by Leave a Comment

I receive emails daily from spouses whose partner is cheating and having an affair.

A Common complaint is, bottom line, they don’t seem to care or they just don get it (me.)

This, I observe is the result of being with a partner who who lacks empathy and the capacity to enter the world of another person.

After all, this is a primary reason for someone having an affair… they lack this capacity, are truly looking for intimacy, but believe it can only be found “out there” after failing to have the necessary resources, skills, aptitude, insight to get it in relationship with their spouse.

(This is not a put-down. We ALL are challenged in ways in creating intimacy! But, some of us choose not to use an affair to mend our problem.)

Here are some common complaints from the cheated upon spouse about the cut-off and distance:

>>>>>He thinks because the affair has supposedly stopped, I should immediately believe him and never challenge his word.
>>>>>He treats my likes and dislikes as bad, if they differ from his, instead of just different.
>>>>>It is always his way or the highway, never any compromise.
>>>>>He criticizes me “for my own good.”
>>>>>He refuses to give me valid reasons for why I cannot go with him on “business” trips.
>>>>>Talks on cell in car with the other person
>>>>>Comes home late
>>>>>Shares business Emails daily with the other person
>>>>>Gives me his bad side
>>>>>Them working together Their continued “friendship”
>>>>>His confrontation that I perpetuate the anguish because I continue to receive e-mails from self-help

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