Suviving the Affair: What it Takes

Surviving the affair often seems like a daunting task upon the first few days of discovery. And, it is.

The affair hits below the belt and we are shocked, confused, etc.

Read what these two people did to survive the affair:

It has now been 6 months. After the dust settled I asked all the questions I need answers to. We decided we wanted to stay married & sought counseling right away. I made certain rules for him to abide by. He became totally transparent. I had access to everything I needed, computer, cell phone, ALL credit & bank statements. He stayed home, unless I knew exactly where he was. This started to restore the trust I had lost. We opened up more & talked more. This started the healing process. We began having “dates” & doing more together as a couple. If anything, this whole earth shattering experience has made us closer, we appreciate each other more than we have in years. The pain remains, but gets better every day. There is hope and a way to survive.

It was a week before I gave birth to our first child when I found out. It was extremely painful and having a new baby to take care of was the only thing that kept me grounded and able to function.


  1. The first case here does not really show trust.
    If the wife wants to be able to check on her husband by having access to his cell-phone and computer etc., she obviously doesn’t trust him.
    How does he feel about this set-up?
    I can understand that the marriage has improved in some respects but I’m not sure about the “trust” aspect.
    An interesting post.

  2. I agree…although I have been tempted to check out of curiosity AND fear, I have not. WHen I decided to forgive I decided to trust. I surely ask questions even after 6 months have passes, but now, we talk and when we are done talking we love. And I trust again. It’s been quite a journey. One filled with learning for both of us. There is truth to the statement that love conquers all and all things. That’s where we are right now…open and honest and trusting.

  3. my boyfriend an i broke up after my 25th birthday and i found about my pregnancy with our third baby. why we broke up i couldn’t understand, but as it turns out he began dating someone else shortly thereafter. a couple months later he came back and begged me to forgive him and being pregnant with two kids already i relented. i think he knew i always would. but there was little trust and we had a lot of problems to work out. i had become independent and was used to doing most things on my own. but other than that nothing had changed much about him except the constant apologies. it had been two months since our reconsiliation last saturday when he went out with friends. i hadn’t seen him all day and i finally drove by his house (as we were living seperately still while working on things) and his car was parked outside. i knocked on the door and didn’t get an answer, so i stepped inside. i heard his belt jangling and i thought he was in the washroom but instead he was in the bedroom. i had gotten to the door when he came out and i was able to see a set of nakes legs on his bed before he shut the door. i was devestated. he began to cry and apologize and immediately sent her home. he says he just met her and didn’t even know her last name, and that nothing happened but that’s only because i had stepped in. he got her naked and that’s when he heard the door open. if he had been sending her home on his own i might be able to get over it, but i know if i hadn’t stepped in he would have gone all the way. i wanted to seperate again but he begged me to stay w him and said he was only happy w me. i went home but he arrived and when our son saw him i knew i couldn’t send him out. my problem is that my little boy had such a terrible time when he left and even though i feel that i need to seperate and move on, i don’t know if i can make the baby go through that all over again. will i ever be able to close my eyes and not see her? can i ever learn to trust? i don’t want to be the kind of girl to make him live by unreasonable rules, but i lost all respect, trust and there is very little love left for him. will this hate ever pass?

  4. Susie…I think you made a very important statement in your post…”there is very little love left for him…”
    I hope you can work through all of this but I have to say what’s really importatnt here is do you love him? Enough to work through all of this? I couldn’t have forgiven what I did without a deep seeded love for my husband. AS for closing your eyes and not seeing her…I don’t think that ever goes away. But you sort of find a way to keep it tucked away so it doesn’t steal any of your time. I hope you can work all of this out. And I hope he comes to see you and your little boy as the most important things in his life.

  5. thanks debbie. it’s been a little over a week and i feel that i need answers but i don’t really want to know the answers. i don’t blame myself for any of this, because i know that i was trying, i just didn’t know i was trying all by myself. i am working on the anger i feel and it’s obvious that i did have feelings for him because it did hurt a lot. but i also told him that i wasn’t going to get over this right away and that if it turns out i could never get over this then i want the break-up to be as pain free for the kids as possible, which meant he would have to be there for them as much as i am (when we first broke up he rarely spent time with them and i struggled with deciding to either pay bills or buy food). he still wants to try, and i said that i didn’t owe it to him, but i did owe it to my children, but he would have to deal with me as i am and that someday i might need the truth about the whole thing. as it is, i was about to close my file with my local legal aid that i had filed to recieve full custody and child support thinking we were working on our problems but instead chose to keep it open for the time being. hopefully i can get past this betrayal and find the man i fell in love with 7 1/2 years ago, if he’s still there, or at least end it after the initial anger subsides so it’s not a violent, bitter ending that hurts our children.

  6. Susie…I wish you the very best with all of this. One thing…when I was going through my bout with my husbands infidelity, a close friend told me to be sure NOT to lose me. I worked really hard at that and after all these months I am so glad I did. Don’t lose you, Susie. Try to find the things that make you happy. Don’t ever lose those things. And always remember, you aren’t alone. Although so many people that reached out to me were total strangers, they all helped me know that I wasn’t alone.

  7. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We had a very rocky time for a few months last fall. After a lot of trouble with his business, he had been borrowing money from me for several months and finally he asked to move in with me as he couldn’t afford a place for he and his three children. We had talked about moving in together before but both agreed it was a big decision due to kids. We both wanted to make certain it was good and healthy and the right time for all. When he initially asked last fall, I expressed my concern about not being ready yet. He said it would be temporary. His financial state got worse and worse although he was working hard on getting a new career going. I became stressed as supporting four extra people became difficult. We fought a lot, talked a lot and tried to express our feelings about the situation.I finally suggested in November to call/make our living together permanent. Since we were doing it anyway I thought if he and his kids had all of their stuff here then everyone would be more comfortable. I thought by December we were figuring things out. Although he never moved much more ‘stuff’ in. Over the holidays I heard a rumor that he was dating and even in love with another woman – in a city he was now frequenting in his new business quest. We were in different cities for the holidays but I asked him about it over the phone and he said it wasn’t true that everything is the same as it was. He was in our relationship for the long haul. After a few horrible days on my own I decided to believe him. He returned and we’ve had an amazing month together – I’m not sweating the small stuff, he’s not being defensive or needy. I told him that I didn’t believe the rumors and I trust him. We talked about our future, home, marriage, even a baby someday. He recently left again for work. The first week he sent sweet emails about how he misses and loves me and knows how strong his feelings are for me. While he’s away I discovered an email (never looked at email before) that confirmed that the rumors weren’t false. I don’t know the exact extent of the affair or if it’s still going on. I’m a mess with uncertainty and confusion. I don’t know how or if I tell him I know. He’s still away and we speak every day. He’s flirting with me over text and calls but not deep emotional words like the week prior. I don’t know what to do. I want our relationship to work. I have an extremely deep love for him. But I don’t know what is true and real.

  8. My opinion? I think you need to ask him…and let him know that you have seen the email. Calm and steady…no accusing…just asking. If he knows you’ve seen the emails, hopefully he’ll come clean. At that point, you’ll have to decide if you love him enough to weather the storm that will be approaching. When I found out, it was important for me to know the details. And even now, 7 months later, through conversation with my husband, I often get more details. There’s a big difference now though. Now when we talk, it’s about my healing and he knows that sometimes I just need to have things answered. If you love him and he loves you then there might be something well worth saving if you are both willing to do the work. Tell him what you know.
    I hope all works out for you. Don’t give up hope on love. Often times it’s what gets us through the most toughest of times.

  9. I straight out asked him but I did not say I saw the email. I said I heard more details and need to calmly discuss what is going on and why there are rumors, if he’s seeing another woman, etc. He denies everything. Says I’m the only woman in his life – that he would not cheat – and we have a great relationship that will last. He talks about our future still. Makes plans for months down the road. I just don’t understand what is true. I suppose I want to believe him so badly, but I have the twinge in my gut sometimes that makes me worried that he’s had and is still having an affair. Am I a fool who wants to be blind? We’ve been having such an amazing time together hanging out, being with his kids, in our sex life. Is it that he’s guilty or is it that he is fulfilled a missing part by another woman? A big part of me wants to just drop it and start fresh and hope that he is going to be honest and faithful. Can I live with this secret and move forward never knowing if he’s totally telling me the truth? I feel that if he admits an affair than we will have to break up – I’m not certain he can be with me, knowing I know his mistake. I could be prepared to work through it. He’s always been so vocal and strongly against cheaters and cheating since I’ve known him (his ex-wife cheated on him). What am I not seeing? Is he telling the truth?

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