Keeping Secrets: Why They Can Ruin a Marriage

September 4, 2012 by 1 Comment

Is it alright for you to be keeping secrets from your partner? In what instances or situations is it okay to do so? And in when is it not? Read on to see why secrets in a marriage can break the trust you’ve worked hard to build, and what you can do to fix it.

Keeping secrets from your partner, no matter how little you think they are, can be very damaging to your relationship. Which means that you have to be very, very careful about this.

Most of the time, your partner will be able to sense that you are keeping secrets, or at least something, from him or her anyway, and although he or she may not ask you directly what it is, there could be hints that will be sent your way asking you to divulge whatever it is that you are hiding. And the more you avoid answering or divulging what it is, the more your partner will suspect you of doing something wrong, and he or she will start losing trust in you.

Usually in extramarital affairs, what hurts your partner most is the fact that you betrayed his or her trust, kept things from him or her and lied constantly to cover things up. These things — the keeping of secrets — more than the fact that you had sex with another person, is what is most damaging for relationships.

But this does not mean that you have to talk about every single detail of your affair with your partner, that you have to describe in full detail what you and the other person did, where, when and how. No, it does not mean that at all. Your partner may ask you to reveal some details of the affair but you don’t have to be very specific about it.

What you need to do, though, is to resolve these things and find a way to forgive yourself because it’s the first thing you need to do before you can really move forward with your relationship.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Marriage Makeover, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Common Problem when Healing the Marriage

August 14, 2012 by 1 Comment

Couples who are trying to heal the marriage after an affair usually have so much problems and issues that they have to face.

There’s the affair itself, the trust and betrayal issues that come with the affair, and so many others.

One of the issues that couples have to address during this healing process is how their actions and words generate negativity within each other. This actually happens more than people think.

Most of the time, you may not see anything offending or bad about the things you say or do. But what you don’t know is that they may actually be affecting your husband or wife in a negative way. Your spouse could be insulted or hurt by something that will keep you from healing the marriage, and you may not even understand why that is so.

Here is an example:

During your affair, you made it a habit to your husband a present of some sort after every meeting you have with the other person, such as flowers or a new tie for example. Whether it is done consciously or unconsciously, this has become your practice. After your spouse discovers your affair, he or she realizes what those presents mean – a kind of guilty present for your affair. Your husband or wife will relate those presents with the betrayal of your affair from then on. So, even after you end your affair and begin to heal the marriage, whenever you give your husband or wife presents, he or she will look at a bouquet of flowers or a bottle of his favorite in a negative light.

That present, which is now a sign of your love and devotion to your spouse that you hope will help in healing the marriage, becomes a reminder of the pain and betrayal that he or she felt caused by your affair because he or she still sees it as the sign of guilt that it used to be.

What your spouse needs to do is to try to stop associating your giving of presents as a sign of guilt and accept them for what they are – as apologies. He or she needs to heal this part of him or her, and see how it is affecting your current relationship. Letting go of those feelings of betrayal, focusing on what you are trying to have now and accepting those presents will help more effectively in healing the marriage.

Of course, just forgetting about your affair won’t be easy at all for your husband or wife. What you can do, on your part, is to be a little more sensitive with regards to giving your spouse presents. If you know that he or she won’t have the response that you hope for, try to find other ways that you can express your love for him or her. Don’t force this kind of practice in your relationship because you know that it will only cause more harm than good. This way, you are helping each other heal the marriage.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Humor, Infidelity Impact, Infidelity Quickie, Marriage Makeover, Personal stuff, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage, Stopping the Affair, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Recreating the Trust You Lost in Your Marriage After Infidelity

June 28, 2012 by 2 Comments

Probably one of the biggest issues that couples have to face once infidelity becomes a part of their relationship is how to rebuild the trust that they’ve lost in each other. So what can they do fix that?

Victims of infidelity ask if it’s possible for them to be able to trust their partners the way they used to before the affair, and they wonder if they will ever be able to just relax around their partners and not be suspicious or doubtful regarding their partners’ actions.

Rebuilding or restoring lost trust after infidelity is not an easy thing to do, but one of the things that could help you get through it is to change the things that you want to happen in your life post infidelity and how you see the situation that you are in apart from your partner.

What do you think would it take for you to trust your partner again? Or better yet, to trust him in a different way? Communicate these things to your partner and let him or her know what you are going through. If both of you decide that you want to stay in the relationship and try to make it work, then both of you should make a conscious effort to decide what it would take for both of you to rebuild the trust you lost.

During this time, it’s easy to focus on the negative things that have happened like the lying, betrayal and the actual cheating itself. And although these things shouldn’t be ignored, you shouldn’t concentrate all your energy on them and try to focus your thoughts on the things that are happening around you, the things that need to happen in your relationship, and the things that you want to happen for yourself as well.

It may seem like the hardest possible thing for you to do right now but it’s important that you do it to be aware of the reality of what is happening to you, your partner and your relationship at this very moment. What if you begin to feel that your partner may be having another affair? Will you be able to handle it is he or she is? And is this betrayal something that you can go through all over again? Are you going to tolerate this behavior from your partner?

Decide what you want for yourself and where you draw the line on things that you will put up with. Discuss with your partner the boundaries you need to have in your relationship and stand by the things you want and need for yourself.

It’s time that you think of the possibilities that you have in your life, and decide whether you want those possibilities or not.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Infidelity Testimonials, Marriage Makeover, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,
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