A Common Problem when Healing the Marriage

Couples who are trying to heal the marriage after an affair usually have so much problems and issues that they have to face.

There’s the affair itself, the trust and betrayal issues that come with the affair, and so many others.

One of the issues that couples have to address during this healing process is how their actions and words generate negativity within each other. This actually happens more than people think.

Most of the time, you may not see anything offending or bad about the things you say or do. But what you don’t know is that they may actually be affecting your husband or wife in a negative way. Your spouse could be insulted or hurt by something that will keep you from healing the marriage, and you may not even understand why that is so.

Here is an example:

During your affair, you made it a habit to your husband a present of some sort after every meeting you have with the other person, such as flowers or a new tie for example. Whether it is done consciously or unconsciously, this has become your practice. After your spouse discovers your affair, he or she realizes what those presents mean – a kind of guilty present for your affair. Your husband or wife will relate those presents with the betrayal of your affair from then on. So, even after you end your affair and begin to heal the marriage, whenever you give your husband or wife presents, he or she will look at a bouquet of flowers or a bottle of his favorite in a negative light.

That present, which is now a sign of your love and devotion to your spouse that you hope will help in healing the marriage, becomes a reminder of the pain and betrayal that he or she felt caused by your affair because he or she still sees it as the sign of guilt that it used to be.

What your spouse needs to do is to try to stop associating your giving of presents as a sign of guilt and accept them for what they are – as apologies. He or she needs to heal this part of him or her, and see how it is affecting your current relationship. Letting go of those feelings of betrayal, focusing on what you are trying to have now and accepting those presents will help more effectively in healing the marriage.

Of course, just forgetting about your affair won’t be easy at all for your husband or wife. What you can do, on your part, is to be a little more sensitive with regards to giving your spouse presents. If you know that he or she won’t have the response that you hope for, try to find other ways that you can express your love for him or her. Don’t force this kind of practice in your relationship because you know that it will only cause more harm than good. This way, you are helping each other heal the marriage.


  1. […] in situations that aren’t good, and allows you to grieve any kind of loss like if you are healing after divorce, be it physically or […]

Speak Your Mind