Why Are You Really Staying in the Marriage?

August 21, 2012 by 2 Comments

When you discover that your spouse is having an affair, what would be your reasons for staying in the marriage?

A lot of people tend to be confused about what their next step should be when they find out that their partners have been involved in extramarital affairs. There’s the pain and confusion of being betrayed by someone you loved who you thought you could trust. But there is also the hope that everything you worked for and everything you believed was true can still be saved. This is the cause of the internal struggle you experience with infidelity crises — are you leaving or staying in the marriage?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having doubts, and everyone has their reasons for doing so. But if staying in the marriage after the affair is the decision you choose, are you sure that you are doing it for the proper reasons?

The following are some reasons that have come up in some cases. Read through them and find out if you really want to save the marriage or…?

1. Are you tired of confronting your partner and fighting about his or her actions and behavior all the time? Are you tired of always being the one bringing up the conflict in your relationship? Have you decided that it’s much easier staying in the marriage and letting him be rather than fight?

2. Are you hanging onto your religious and moral beliefs of making your marriage work no matter what? Do you feel like you will be judged or ridiculed by your friends or family if you don’t stay in your marriage?

3. Are you only staying together for the kids? Do you think that your kids need you and your partner to be together, even when he or she isn’t behaving the best way? Or that they wouldn’t be able to cope if you weren’t together?

4. Are you afraid of being on your own and starting over without your partner by your side? Does the thought of making decisions on your own and living a new life without your partner scare you?

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Marriage Makeover, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

A Common Problem when Healing the Marriage

August 14, 2012 by 1 Comment

Couples who are trying to heal the marriage after an affair usually have so much problems and issues that they have to face.

There’s the affair itself, the trust and betrayal issues that come with the affair, and so many others.

One of the issues that couples have to address during this healing process is how their actions and words generate negativity within each other. This actually happens more than people think.

Most of the time, you may not see anything offending or bad about the things you say or do. But what you don’t know is that they may actually be affecting your husband or wife in a negative way. Your spouse could be insulted or hurt by something that will keep you from healing the marriage, and you may not even understand why that is so.

Here is an example:

During your affair, you made it a habit to your husband a present of some sort after every meeting you have with the other person, such as flowers or a new tie for example. Whether it is done consciously or unconsciously, this has become your practice. After your spouse discovers your affair, he or she realizes what those presents mean – a kind of guilty present for your affair. Your husband or wife will relate those presents with the betrayal of your affair from then on. So, even after you end your affair and begin to heal the marriage, whenever you give your husband or wife presents, he or she will look at a bouquet of flowers or a bottle of his favorite in a negative light.

That present, which is now a sign of your love and devotion to your spouse that you hope will help in healing the marriage, becomes a reminder of the pain and betrayal that he or she felt caused by your affair because he or she still sees it as the sign of guilt that it used to be.

What your spouse needs to do is to try to stop associating your giving of presents as a sign of guilt and accept them for what they are – as apologies. He or she needs to heal this part of him or her, and see how it is affecting your current relationship. Letting go of those feelings of betrayal, focusing on what you are trying to have now and accepting those presents will help more effectively in healing the marriage.

Of course, just forgetting about your affair won’t be easy at all for your husband or wife. What you can do, on your part, is to be a little more sensitive with regards to giving your spouse presents. If you know that he or she won’t have the response that you hope for, try to find other ways that you can express your love for him or her. Don’t force this kind of practice in your relationship because you know that it will only cause more harm than good. This way, you are helping each other heal the marriage.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Humor, Infidelity Impact, Infidelity Quickie, Marriage Makeover, Personal stuff, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage, Stopping the Affair, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Common Barriers Faced When Working on the Marriage

August 7, 2012 by 1 Comment

What do you need to prepare for when you decide on working on the marriage after infidelity?

Couples who decide on working on the marriage after a bout of infidelity, especially those who are in a “polarized” relationship – where one is open about talking things through, and the other wants to forget about it and move on – usually find themselves stuck at one point or another from moving forward in their relationship.

Here are a few possible issues you might encounter if you are working on the marriage after infidelity:

1. Rebuilding and working on the marriage after infidelity usually implies that each individual is required to act, feel and think in a specific manner in order to achieve their goal of fixing the marriage. Whether it is out in the open or not, there is a certain kind of pressure on both parties not to do anything that will cause a halt to the progress they are making. And this pressure makes you act or behave in ways that you don’t necessarily want to act or behave.

2. You also feel kind of forced to be nice to each other and to put your best foot forward because you see conflict of any kind as the worst possible thing that could happen in your already rocky relationship. You try to keep things positive, but avoiding conflict means ignoring and hiding from your problems and issues that you need to address, which will only add to the issues that already exist in your relationship.

3. Most couples try to find a middle ground – a common factor – that will hold them together, and become frustrated when they discover that there is little or nothing there. But this lack of common ground between the two of you doesn’t have to be a bad thing. On the contrary, it could be just the thing you need to develop something new that could make your relationship stronger and better. Discovering each other and learning new things from each other may very well be one of the best things that could happen to you while you are working on the marriage.

People who are working on the marriage tend to become very cautious and careful versions of themselves, and this should never be the case. The more open, honest and clear you are about who you are, what you want from your partner and what you want from your relationship, the better it will be when you are working on the marriage.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Marriage Makeover, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
« Previous Page
Next Page »