Infidelity Help: Remaining Calm

November 5, 2008 by 2 Comments

Here’s another example of charging neutral – the most powerful skill you can use in coping with infidelity and for confrontations of all varieties.

By the way, this scenario is very common once an affair is brought into the open. It is relevant to a couple of the types of affairs I outline in my e-book.

Thanks to Joanne (who gave me permission to share this) for her story about charging neutral.

Thank you for all your advise. I have been going through this since I found out about my spouses affair. Jan 2008. The other women called my teenage daughters and told them everything. I still to this day don’t know when it started with them, but phone records show it started in Aug of 2007. My spouse has never come clean, he says its over and that he wants to come home, but he is a jekyl and hyde and one minute I know him and the next minute I don’t. He is living with his mother and hates it. We have been married over 20 years and this was a total shock. The thing that really bothered me most is that he never made any attempt to make things right with my daughters or myself. Very self centered. Winter is coming now and I know that he wants to be back our house. I packed up all his winter clothes and took them over to his mothers house the other day. He went crazy, knowing that I didn’t want him back. He cried and told me he loved me, that it was over and that he wanted to come home. I told him we had to work on it, but I think his idea of working on it should be one more talk and then move back home. We decided to meet the to have a talk and for him to come clean. I guess this scared him, so he called me and said he didn’t want to get together. Thinking I was going to lose it, I just said to him ” I think your lies are hurting you more than they are hurting me.” Charged neutral. Hes been calling me constantly. I care about him deeply and worry about him, but I know that he has to be the person I knew and lived with for the last 20 years. I also have to consider the feelings of my daughters. He has been raging at me, telling me horrible things, accusing me of all the things he probably did. I read your book back in March of 2008, and had trouble understanding this “charging neutral” I finally understand it. I get it. I think it took me a long time to understand how I needed to approach the situation. I practiced, and I finally understand. I don’t know what the outcome will be and I hope it is good, but I finally have control of my own feelings, and wont let his mistakes control my feelings anymore. Thank you again, I continue to read your submissions. Joanne

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , ,

Infidelity confrontation: Calm and Centered

September 29, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Charging neutral, or being calm and centered when one confronts the other person is a wonderful gift. Read.. and leave comments below…

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I was in a position where I would be meeting her -my husband and I went to a function required for his job. At this point the affair had ended. I approached her and asked her if she would like to talk for a few minutes. She said yes, and we arranged to meet outside at a set time. She began the conversation by apologizing for any pain that she caused. She said that wasn’t her intention; she got “attached” to my husband and still had feelings for him. I did not response. I said very little. I went into this feeling calm and centered, and I believe this is KEY to “confronting”. It was essential to me that I keep my integrity, not divulge information about myself or my relationship with my husband. I would not have initiated this meeting if I had been feeling emotionally charged, angry, or “out of control” in any way. I feel I would have been empowering her/them if I had not been completely in control of myself. I said that I wished for someone available to come into her life, that my husband and I were committed to our marriage and our family. And that was all. I was not cold, just neutral.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

We both expressed to each other that we were glad to have had this short conversation. I came away feeling “done”; like I had done my part and had some closure.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Overall I am satisfied. More than learned, I got an opportunity to get a feel for who she is, and that was important to me.

Coach’s Comments:

She calls it feeling calm and centered. In my E-book, Break Free From the Affair, I call it charging neutral. It is a wonderful and POWERFUL place to be. And, it is highly effective in getting the exact outcome you want.

Part of confronting the other person involves boundaries. What am I going to share? What will I refuse to share? How much information needs to be passed back and forth. Setting in your mind, beforehand, what the boundaries will be, generates a feeling of being in “integrity.”

Confronting the other person brought closure – the feeling of being “done.” Often we need and must close this chapter, as best as we can at the moment, and open a new one.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , ,

Infidelity, Confrontation and Nonreactivity

September 24, 2008 by 1 Comment

What happens when you confront the other person?

How can you use it to your advantage.

In response to my survey:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I just wanted to know if my husband was telling the truth so I called her. Asked her if they are still seeing each other. Until now,I don’t think hubby knows that I called her.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Luckily,I had already read Dr. Huizenga’s Break-Free-From-The-Affair so I was charging neutral and it was a success.She confirmed what hubby said that he already ended it.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I learned and applied what I read from the e-book so I don’t think I’ll do it in any other way.

Coach’s comments:

Yes, charging neutral can be a powerful tool in maintaining one’s personal power in a confrontation.

Charging neutral is basically a refusal to react, internally and externally to the other person or your circumstances. You don’t flinch. You don’t react. You don’t give away your power. No one ruffles your feathers.

Easier said than done. But, when used, it often gets you exactly what you desire.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person, Infidelity Help Tagged With: , ,
« Previous Page