Infidelity Discovery: Like a Frog in Boiling Water

June 15, 2009 by 1 Comment

Discovering infidelity in one’s marriage can be a surreal experience.

This readers expresses her journey in coping with infidelity:

I have been the frog in water that doesn’t realize that the water is boiling until it is too late. I know that I can’t change him, but I also know the man he was before all of this started. He has been having the rage/revenge affair. She has lied to him over and over about me, because she was also my best friend. She is a widow and has two children to support. She has played on his sympathies. He doesn’t see the truth, and I can’t make him see the truth. I have been charging neutral ever since I read your book and it has helped tremendously. I made so many mistakes in the beginning, that I can’t even begin to count them. The pain of this double betrayal has been my undoing. It has put me in a position that I never could have ever imagined for my life and the life of my child. Ever since I stood up to him that night, there have been no more confrontations at all. I confronted him with proof positive and it shocked him to the core. I know that he continues to communicate with her, but not on the same level as before. There are other things that I did not tell you before either. She physically attacked me one night in our business because they were both drunk and I told them that it was time to go home. He defended her and tried to physically throw me out of here. I took a good beating. I should have called the police, but I felt sorry for my daughter and her kids. (My daughter witnessed the entire scene.) I left of my own accord, because I felt sorry for my daughter. I should have left then, but there is so much on the line because we have a business together and our property is on the market for quite a tidy sum. Attorneys have advised that I not leave until that is taken care of. In the mean time, I have learned to charge neutral. I also do not think that it is fair for my daughter to be uprooted from her school and home because he refuses to leave. In short, I can’t believe that this is my life, but I know in my heart that this is not my fault. It has everything to do with him and very little to do with me. I learned that from your book. Thank you so much for all you do. You have no idea how I wait every day in anitcipation for your emails. Your book helped me to take control of a very out of control situation!!

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , , , ,

Confronting the Other Person: Using a Script

March 13, 2009 by 1 Comment

Scripting what you will say is vitally important in confronting the other person.

A large percentage of my infidelity coaching with individuals is just that… developing a script that will say powerfully and without reactivity (charging neutral) the truth of the situation.

And, I firmly believe that that truth will set free and unclog the channels of deception, lies and secrets.

Now, the script that one forms, what is said, is dependent on the type of affair. The script crafts articulately that which will have the most power in the intervention.

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My purpose for confronting the other woman, after my husband’s earlier affair, was closure for myself. I had to show both her and myself that i could be the “bigger” person. I told her that what they did was wrong, extremely wounding to our family, but that I was going to stay with my husband, since he ended the affair and confessed to me, and learn what forgiveness meant. I also told her that I was going to forgive her FOR MYSELF, whether or not she deserved it.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I did just that, and did it well, although I must admit to feeling a little victory as I saw the surprise and a bit of fear on her face when she saw me walk into their office.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I learned that a script is a MUST for confrontation. (I had one.) The injured spouse’s motives for confrontation must be clear and the script must fit those motives. No attacking-that will just set the OP in his belief that you are all the bad things your betraying spouse said about you to the OP. I will not confront my husband’s current OW. He has chosen her over me, filed for divorce, and I see no use in confronting. I still have to work on forgiving them both, if only for my own sake, but there has been no expression of remorse or indication of a turn-around after two years involvement.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , ,

Infidelity and Charging Neutral: Your Emotional Energy

November 13, 2008 by 1 Comment

Charging neutral is all about your emotions. What are they? How do you express them? Where do you feel them? When do you begin to feel them? What do you do when you begin to feel them? What are the thoughts that accompany the feelings? What do you do with those thoughts? Is there another part of you that stands backs and knows your feelings are emerging? Can that part take action?

Aware of your emotional energy is vital in managing your feelings and fears, especially of being alone, when coping with infidelity.

Charging neutral is managing your emotions. Here’s an example:

1. Tell me your story. How have you used “Charging Neutral” and tell me exactly what happened?

I never knew that what I was doing was “charging neutral”. Thank you for putting a name to it and (very important) giving me more information about this. I never would have dreamed the implications of this behavior without your input. every time I read about this technique in your newsletters I am more and more empowered. My husband abandoned his affair a few months ago. The OP took a job 1000 km’s away. I think that this happened because I refused to react to their relationship. At the time she took the other job, the affair was already waning, but I think my calm stance (due to your ongoing advice, thank you) made her give up. There were many times I felt like confronting her or him, giving the affair my full-blown attention and all the emotional energy that goes along with a confrontation like that. Your emails stopped me. Thank you. It worked. My children were spared all the drama and upset., I was spared the sordidness of a fruitless confrontation. I know that i might have to face this at some other time, but charging neutral will help me through it again.

Filed Under: Infidelity Fears Tagged With: , ,
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