The Impact of an Affair

October 25, 2008 by 2 Comments

An affair dramatically alters one’s world. Thoughts, feelings, expectations and the issue of trust become paramount.

Read what some describe as the changes the affair has made in their life:

1. Preoccupation with comparing myself with others.
2. Spend time watching a computer tracking system looking for activities 3. Insecurity of being myself.
4. Fear of not doing what activities spouse wants to do worrying about what he’ll get into with my presence.
5. My husband had an affair with a woman who lives out of state, so much of their communication was via email and phone. Although he assures me that he has not heard from her since June, I still catch myself wondering about things when his cell phone rings or when he spends too much time on the computer.
6. Since the affair, I now feel that I am somehow in competition with “her” and with other women in general. I am sure most of it is in my head, but I hate feeling this way.
7. Because my husband told so many lies during the affair, I find myself constantly wondering if he is telling the truth now. Although I have no reason to think he is lying now, I guess once bitten twice shy. I really didn’t think I had anything to worry about back then either!
8. Since the affair, I have noticed one positive thing. Because I did spend 6 months on my own in an apartment, I know that I am more than capable of providing for myself and my two-year-old son. I no longer have that “dependency” on my husband that I felt just prior to our break-up.

Filed Under: Infidelity Impact Tagged With: , ,

Surviving Marital Infidelity: Shifts you Make

September 2, 2008 by 1 Comment

Surviving marital infidelity and extramarital affairs means you make shifts that move you away from that which doesn’t work and causes pain to that which works for you and your relationship and creates hope and positive feelings.

I’ve taken some responses from those who have used my E-course, “Killer Mistakes that Prolong the Affair and Your Agony,” and have made significant shifts to that enable them to survive the infidelity.

Here’s the question I ask:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

Used a powerful skill:

Honestly what I got out of the book was ” Charging neutral”. That has helped when I see my husband getting frustrated and angry!

gave me strategies that help me to move faster and start working on myself instead of trying to fix everything.

Was able to move on from a destructive relationship:

For the first time in 23yrs of my so called marriage , i have filed for divorce and know that i made the right decision.i feel good about myself and know what i want from a marriage.I feel i`m in control of my life and the e-course just pointed out all the mistakes i made ,by trying to fix and work on my marriage.It is tiring and been dealing with affairs since the start of my marriage.I now know i cannot change my husband who refuses to go for help,thinking providing is all he must do in the marriage.

Inner Strength:

This course had made me stronger

Realized I’m not alone:

that im not alone, that im not crazy, and that all the “common sense” responses i have are just not going to work.

It has helped to clarify things and let me know that what I’m going through , so many others are to. It helps to know that I’m not alone

It’s his problem:

I have realized that the affair was HIS problem not mine. No matter how I tried to pry before He always said HE was the problem not me. Now I understand he might be telling the truth and it took a load off my chest.

Filed Under: Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , ,

Infidelity: Confronting the Other Person

August 6, 2008 by Leave a Comment

We are researching questions related to confronting the other person. Should you? When? Under what conditions? Those sort of questions. I’ve asked for input from my readers with 3 specific questions.

Here are the answers to the three questions, in which this person found the confrontation very helpful to bring about closure. My comments follow:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

To bring closure for me and in a way i had hoped that she would reply with remorse and apologies. I e-mailed her as it made it less personal. I let my husband read the letter before i sent it and we both agreed for it to be sent.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She was incredibly sorry and apologetic. I got the feeling that she meant everything she said and her words and apologies were very heart-felt.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would do it just the same. For me the outcome was very conclusive. There were absolutely no harsh words from iether of us and in a strange way i felt an amazing connection with her after our correspondence.

Coach’s comment: I would guess this would be an “I Need to Prove my Desirability” affair or perhaps, “I Want to be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy. Note the lack of drama. Or perhaps there was drama, but all parties were able to stand back, make some shifts and growth and moved through their neediness. What do you think? Also note the mutual agreement by both spouses to send the letter. Sounds like they were both on the same page – which takes away much of the game playing.

Learn how to Break Free From the Affair.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , , , ,
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