Surviving an Affair: Healing Shifts

January 29, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Surviving an affair means a person will make internal shifts in the way one thinks about him/her self and the spouse.

Perspectives will change. This change may be an “aha” moment or may emerge over time.

These are often life-altering shifts that stay with a person for a lifetime and open new avenues of awareness, joy and personal productivity.

Here’s what one person says:

It (reading Break Free From the Affair) gave me a wider perspective on the problem, made me realize there was nothing wrong with me, personally, and allowed me to extract myself from the predictable and destructive cycle of questioning (seeing to punish and bolster my own confidence, rather than get to the real problem. Once I realized the problem and mistake were hers, it helped me get a grip on things and move forward. It also helped me to see that my marriage was something worth saving.

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Suviving the Affair: What it Takes

January 27, 2009 by 9 Comments

Surviving the affair often seems like a daunting task upon the first few days of discovery. And, it is.

The affair hits below the belt and we are shocked, confused, etc.

Read what these two people did to survive the affair:

It has now been 6 months. After the dust settled I asked all the questions I need answers to. We decided we wanted to stay married & sought counseling right away. I made certain rules for him to abide by. He became totally transparent. I had access to everything I needed, computer, cell phone, ALL credit & bank statements. He stayed home, unless I knew exactly where he was. This started to restore the trust I had lost. We opened up more & talked more. This started the healing process. We began having “dates” & doing more together as a couple. If anything, this whole earth shattering experience has made us closer, we appreciate each other more than we have in years. The pain remains, but gets better every day. There is hope and a way to survive.

It was a week before I gave birth to our first child when I found out. It was extremely painful and having a new baby to take care of was the only thing that kept me grounded and able to function.

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Recovery from the Affair: Dealing with Abuse

December 24, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Recovery from the affair often means dealing with abuse. Strangely as it may see, the offending spouse often “turns the table” and blames the spouse for his/her behavior. This is common in the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” affair.

Here are some questions I posed regarding this pattern and the responses:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

Case Study #1:

I believe my wife would say our marriage made her do it, and a little of I can’t say no to him with some revenge motive too. I guess I get no respect from her. She gives all her emotional support to him, shows me no affection, wants both worlds, have her cake and eat it too.

I haven’t learned how to charge neutral! I would blow up at times when I would here her talking with him, or when someone would tell me they saw them together. I’m not sure that anything has worked best for me,

Case Study #2:

Every time I make a remark about his affair his excuse is”well we had problems in our relationship so he blame’s it on me more than anything (you should have done something about your kids behavior ,make changes ) See i have a Daughter living with me that’s not his. We are not married but been together for more than 6 years .

I tell him” blame me it’s easy for you that way so you don’t have to feel bad or i just say to him well we have to work both on our problems not just one of us .Most the time we talk and try to see each other’s point of view .

Case Study #3:

Knowing the pain it causes me, my husband continues to talk to ‘her’ despite requests not to. he blames me for why he has ‘nothing to give’ to our relationship anymore because I put work first for a couple of years. Also my harsh personality made him feel defeated and he just ‘gave up’. he also now is turning anything I say around and twisting it to mean something to feed his guilt.

I haven’t quite figured that out. Anything I say or do hasn’t worked. It seems if I do the ‘neutral charge’ it helps and not stepping over anything. just trying it. but now he’s still in that pointing fingers game and is also affair #7 so to get close is really hard.

Filed Under: Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , ,
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