How to Survive the Affair: The Problem and Honesty

February 16, 2009 by 3 Comments

Whose problem is infidelity anyway? The “wounded spouse” often believes there is something intrinsically wrong with her or the marriage that resulted in a chearting spouse.

This is far from the truth. The problem, the patterns and themes in the cheating spouse, resulted in the affair. This reader says:

It (my ecourse) gave me some hope that I would be able to focus on myself and let go of him and his destructive choices. It helped me see that the problem was inside of him, that it was a fault in his coping/relational skills and not something that was caused by me not being the perfect wife (or the “wrong wife” as he liked to tell me for many years).

Now, this is often difficult: getting clarity about the status of the other relationship AND the level of connection or willingness to connect with the spouse.

This reader states:

At first I was shocked and yes very hurt. While I want my husband back in my life, I am looking at how he feels not only about me but how he feels about the op. During counseling he finally admitted the affair. Today when I asked where the affair stood. He asked that I not blame the op. I told him I could not have him back until he could be sure he was over her. I could not replace her. So he had to be sure. While I am still hurt I do not feel the anger I felt before. Right now I just want to be sure that he does really love me and wants to make a life with me.

Filed Under: Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , ,

Surviving the Affair: Emotions and Blame

February 3, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Surviving the affair after discovery means bumping into powerful, gut-wrenching feelings.

How does one cope with those feelings? From where does relief emerge?

I find the emotions stirred are often tied to the sense that “I am to blame for this. I am responsible for his/her affair. I didn’t do x y and z and now this.”

Moving through this myth helps decrease the pain of the feelings.

Read what some of my readers of “Break Free From the Affair” have to say:

It helped me understand my emotions and what decisions I needed to make to remove myself from the situation. It helped me stay away once I realized I was being blamed as the cause.

Well, I had no clue whatsoever about what to do, how to handle my emotions. The book has helped me to sort through my feelings and helped me to stop the mistakes I had already started to make. Am not sure if my marriage can be safe, but want to apply some points and see what happens. My husband is very much the category 7 and he is very proud….so I will see. I do not really want a divorce, but do know that things have to change, otherwise I do want a divorce!

I feel more empowered and less angry since figuring out what type of affair it is. It has allowed me to put strategies that work into effect as well as stop using destructive strategies.

I was able to exibit more self-control and do things that were potentially more helpful to rebuilding my marriage as oppose to hurting it.

Charging Neutral was a very helpful concept. Attempting to assess the type of affair(s) my husband might be in was also useful. I also participated in a completely unrelated work event around the same time that I was reading your material and was reminded that we each have the opportunity to rewrite our own script/story any time….and by rewriting my approach to my husband was able to renew our closeness enough to broach the subject of infidelity….so they worked hand in hand.

Filed Under: Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: ,

Surviving Infidelity: Knowing the Kind of Affair

January 31, 2009 by Leave a Comment

The shotgun approach or throw something against the wall to see what sticks are problem solving strategies that are problematic for facing infidelity.

For one thing, time is a premium. The intensity of the pain and agony cries out to be addressed right now. Stopping the affair is a priority right NOW!

So, where does one begin and what strategies should one use when discovering infidelity?

You save time, agony and confusion by knowing what your target is and what you must do to hit that specific target.

I’ve outlined 7 unique types of affairs and have specific strategies for each kind of affair. Blasting away won’t work. But, surgically approaching your spouse and the infidelity with a sharp scalpel (I’m not sure I like this metaphor.. but.. you get the point!) saves time and headaches.

Here’s what one reader said:

“It (Break Free From the Affair) made me realize that the steps I was now taking (after three years of ‘fighting’) were actually supported by your tips in this book. The categorization of the 7 kinds of affairs was extremely helpful. I have now given up on ‘techniques’ that do not work for this kind of affair and have intensified the other techniques. IT WORKS! And more important: I AM FEELING BETTER, regardless of where the affair or my marriage is going!”

Filed Under: Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , ,
« Previous Page
Next Page »