Is Keeping your Infidelity a Secret Really the Best Decision?

September 20, 2012 by 1 Comment

A problem that people who have had affairs always have to face is making the decision whether to keep their infidelity a secret or tell their spouses about it.

No matter how many of their friends or family or anyone else they ask advice from regarding this, the only person who can make the decision is themselves. But what are the things that you need to consider before deciding whether or not they should continue to keep infidelity a secret?

Of course, everyone is aware of the obvious and potential consequences that could happen once an extramarital affair is revealed. But there are some things that could happen that you need to consider if you’re thinking of keeping your infidelity a secret from your spouse.

You may think that it would be easier to keep your infidelity a secret from your spouse, but in relationships where secrets are kept from one another, especially for a long period of time, certain changes occur that would degrade the relationship.

Communication, for example, would become limited to the topics that you are comfortable with because you will do anything to try to avoid getting discovered. And even when you think you are doing a good job of keeping your infidelity a secret, your spouse will know that something is going on.

When this happens, the relationship becomes swallowed in this hole of deception and lies that will not be easy to get out of. And it is more likely that all the lying and mistrust that will develop in your relationship will cause its demise, rather than the extramarital affair itself. So whether or not you reveal or keep your infidelity a secret from your partner, there is still a very big possibility that you will both end up hurting each other.

You have to remember that it’s not always the obvious things that can hurt a relationship. Sometimes – most of the time, actually – a strain in communication is enough to cause major problems, especially if it happens for a long time.

So before deciding not to reveal your infidelity, you have to make sure that you will actually be able to hide it from your spouse for the rest of your life. Otherwise, it would be a much wiser choice to come clean and accept the consequences of your actions rather than to continue keeping your infidelity a secret.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Marriage Makeover, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage, Stopping the Affair, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sexual Addiction: How Does it Cause Extramarital Affairs? Part 2

September 13, 2012 by Leave a Comment

In this second part of the two-part series on sexual addiction and infidelity, we will continue to list down more things you need to watch out for from your partner, or anyone else you know, to be able to identify whether or not his or her infidelity is caused by sexual addiction.

Here are a few more insights and observations on sexual addiction and infidelity:

1. Sex for someone who is sexually addicted is actually tied very closely with fear. He or she is afraid, most of all, of getting caught or discovered. This person is afraid of being faced with the consequences of his or her infidelity. He or she does not want to be looked down on, to lose the respect of the people around him. He or she does not want to alienate himself, and lose his family and his friends.

2. Because of this fear, he or she develops a different view of the world. This person begins to rationalize his or her actions and behaviors, and convinces himself that there is nothing wrong with the things he or she is doing. He or she will also be able to hide his or her addiction from those around, and convince them that there is nothing wrong. He or she will be able to lead a kind of double life – one where his or her addiction exists, and one where it doesn’t.

3. There is also a cycle of making and breaking promises, and failing to keep his or her word when it comes to sexual activities. Usually, after a bout of infidelity, that guilt persists and this person makes promises to not do it again either to himself or his or her partner. This promise usually only lasts until the next time he or she feels the urge to act out on his or her addiction again, in which case he or she will most likely will. And the cycle continues.

If you see any of these on anyone you know, encourage them to get help as soon as possible. It won’t be easy, of course, because no one would admit right away that they are sexually addicted. But try to convince him or her that living without this addiction will create much better relationships with other people, especially with his or her partner. And that he or she should explore and discover the world without sexual addiction.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Marriage Makeover, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage, Stopping the Affair, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Keeping Secrets: Why They Can Ruin a Marriage

September 4, 2012 by 1 Comment

Is it alright for you to be keeping secrets from your partner? In what instances or situations is it okay to do so? And in when is it not? Read on to see why secrets in a marriage can break the trust you’ve worked hard to build, and what you can do to fix it.

Keeping secrets from your partner, no matter how little you think they are, can be very damaging to your relationship. Which means that you have to be very, very careful about this.

Most of the time, your partner will be able to sense that you are keeping secrets, or at least something, from him or her anyway, and although he or she may not ask you directly what it is, there could be hints that will be sent your way asking you to divulge whatever it is that you are hiding. And the more you avoid answering or divulging what it is, the more your partner will suspect you of doing something wrong, and he or she will start losing trust in you.

Usually in extramarital affairs, what hurts your partner most is the fact that you betrayed his or her trust, kept things from him or her and lied constantly to cover things up. These things — the keeping of secrets — more than the fact that you had sex with another person, is what is most damaging for relationships.

But this does not mean that you have to talk about every single detail of your affair with your partner, that you have to describe in full detail what you and the other person did, where, when and how. No, it does not mean that at all. Your partner may ask you to reveal some details of the affair but you don’t have to be very specific about it.

What you need to do, though, is to resolve these things and find a way to forgive yourself because it’s the first thing you need to do before you can really move forward with your relationship.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Marriage Makeover, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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