The Final Infidelity: Knowing When it’s Over

February 20, 2009 by Leave a Comment

The infidelity or blatant flaunting of the infidelity may be a marker that the marriage is over.

The act of infidelity or an affair is an act of disrespect, for self, for family and for spouse. It truly is a poor choice in attempting to meet personal needs or send a message to the spouse.

Most infidelity is a flailing attempt to deal with patterns in one’s life and strong unrecognized personal needs. Once an awareness emerges of those patterns or the person discovers that the flailing is in vain, they begin the learning and maturation process.

Some just don’t “get it.” And… it’s time to move on.

A scenario:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

Saying the affair is over, but also he is not giving up his friend. He sees no reason to give up his friend and she is also married. In fact, my husband, his mistress and her husband all work in the same office. My husband is the company head. Telling everyone else that there is nothing going on between them. Very defensive when I ask him to choose. Says I am giving ultimatums to which he does not subscribe. Says he is comfortable with the way his life is going and I should do whatever I want, because it would make no difference. Split up our bank account and said that I have to take care of myself from now on. Now that I am taking care of myself, he is now angry that I am doing so. Says that I am behaving that I can do without him. Mocks me when I try to have a discussion about about our marriage. Refuses to talk about what is bothering him. This has been going on for 4 years.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

I separated form him. He did not make any attempts to resolve the matter, so i filed for a divorce. I took back my life and I am now in graduate school, forging a new path for myself.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: , ,

Coping with Infidelity Means Putting Up With Less

February 18, 2009 by Leave a Comment

We tend to put up with or tolerate a great deal in life. Too much, in reality. And, part of creating a healthy life and life-style is putting up with and tolerating less.

When infidelity raises it’s head, tolerating raises to another level.

Healing from infidelity means putting up with less and less.

Here are some responses to my question…

1. What are the 5 top things you presently are tolerating or putting up with as you face infidelity?:

1) Sending text messages and then deleted them on her cell phone. 2) Don’t ask her whereabouts when she leaves while I’m at work to avoid arguments. 3) Avoid questioning to show her that I trusted her. 4) Using the O.P. birthday as password from her email. I got it from pc spy software. 5) She sends email messages and delete it from her SENT folder.

He (the cheater) is not nor can he see himself EVER being attracted to me. After 5 counseling sessions together, he feels that he is “cured” and and misses HER intensely. He seems consumed with his schedule to try and see her and be with her. She has snubbed him and is trying to move on and that makes him want her even more. I am only 3 months into the discovery of the affair. I have forgiven him and want our marriage to work. I feel that he is talking out of both sides of his mouth. He says he has no plans to move out or divorce me RIGHT now, but he would like to stay friends.I just don’t think 3 months of ending the affair and “trying” is enough time versus 16 years of marriage. We are not financially secure enough to separate. No kids involved. He turned 50 in March and is very selfish and narcissistic this year. I am 6 weeks post op hysterectomy. Two weeks ago our home was burglarized (took a 200 lb safe) came through the front doors in broad day light. Stole our identity. I have been the bread winner for the last 7 years. I am in a swirl of pain and my crystal ball is broken. I will turn 50 in a few months. I am trying to concentrate on self care, but my world has fallen apart.

the anger that arises when i ask him about the affair. his unwillingness to talk about it. the fact that he turns things around and makes them my fault. his inability or lack of willingness to comfort and reassure me of his feelings for me. the fact that “i said i love you” and “i’m here,aren’t i” isn’t what i would expect from someone who is supposedly truly sorry. not having the answers i need as to why he is still here-me, the kids, financial reasons-losing everything he’s worked for?

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: ,

Dealing with Infidelity Means Tolerating

February 14, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Dealing with infidelity often means tolerating a great deal of destructive, to the point of abusive, behavior.

The “letting go” – the healing, creating inner confidence and centeredness process often takes time.

And, as a person gathers his/her her resources and sorts out the crazy behavior with the hope of making an informed decision, yes, one does tolerate much s/he would not tolerate in other situations.

Read what readers say they tolerate in the midst of affair discovery:

He is living with her. He comes home to clean the driveway. He showers here. He talks to me when he wants but not when I want. He ignores me.

phone sms-ing, coming home late, leaving on weekends for a couple of hours to be with her, chatting on the internet.

Acting out husband who has on three occasions threatened suicide-once even bringing his (unloaded ) shotgun into the kitchen and threatening to end his life because I wouldn’t tell him I loved him after he had hugged and told me he loved me. Mood swings. Incredible neediness.He’s almost going overboard to try and please me. Too much touching,feeling,hugging ,holding hands behaviour-to the point that friends are noticing and remarking. Great difficulty talking about his affairs and giving me details.He claims affairs were 30+years ago ,so I should just forget and move on.I’ve obtained many of the details by calling on old friends and asking questions-eventually collecting enough data to confront my husband with.I still do not know the whole truth.

No closeness or sex. Lies about contacting other person. Depression No help with house chores Distance with kids

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: , ,
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