Putting up with the Affair: How Far?

March 3, 2009 by 1 Comment

How much do you put up with? How much do you tolerate?

Most are willing and somewhat able to tolerate or put up with a great deal when the affair or infidelity is first discovered. And, the reasons usually have some validity: want to spare the children, not ready to start a new life, determined to keep the family together, hoping this affair will blow over, and more.

But, at some point (or points) what one tolerates or puts up with becomes too much and decisions are made. Please understand this may be a fairly lengthy (months) and painful process.

So what do people tolerate? These readers give you some idea:

****simultaneous chatting with his affairs, sending them gifts, going out for the weekends (while telling me he was working hard), expending the money we need for paying bills,keeping his laptop and important papers hidden

****FB-flirting Text messages to lovers Blaming me to be the source of troubles Blaming me of being jealous and possessive Ignoring my pain

****His not wanting to talk about The other woman at the same workplace still Old flirting behaviors are still there (with any other woman) Seems to not keep his cell phone in the open, but when I ask, he is quite willing to hand it to me. When I start hurting his comment is “oh here we go again”

****He continues to see her every day at work. He talks/messages her on his cell phone. She blames me for their affair. He doesn’t come straight home from work.

****1) He still takes her phone calls every day, saying if he doesn’t answer she’ll just keep calling and calling 2) He says it is “completely over”, although he sees her at work and talks to her on the phone often (they work in a big hospital) 3) He refuses to acknowledge my conufsed/hurt feelings that she is completely still in his life, despite his words that they “are done” 4) He gets angry at me quickly and says that I need to “rise above”, be the better person and get over it – even though SHE can’t let go of him! (he defends her saying she’s weak and is struggling to let go of him and that it will probably take her time) 5) She still calls in the middle of the night sometimes – our home phone, his cell phone – AND EVEN MY CELL PHONE! …again, he says she’s struggling and eventually it will end

****lack of affection lack of consideration constant text messages with other woman hanging out with friends and not being included selfishness

****We are separated due to his affair with the secretary, they are working together, and I could not continue with him because it was impossible to trust him with this woman, still I am suffering knowing that they are together and he is not present in our son’s life because of her, I am putting up with a lots of anger, and hate but do not hate him , I still love him and care about him but seeing my son in fatherless sutuation just kills me, I have to put up with a lots of problems that he creat us under his mistress influence. I like to be in peace and live in love like before I had great family, full of love But I just do not know what happened, I ask every day question, what went wrong . it is very difficult. I just want to end this sufferring situation.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: ,

Overcoming Infidelity: Another Chance

March 1, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Overcoming infidelity takes time. I often say 2-4 years if a person on couple wants to work through the impact of infidelity effectively and design a new life and relationship.

How to cope with infidelity when the cheating spouse “comes back home” is addressed below. Note the difficulty the children and family as a whole has in “adjusting” to the reconfigured family.

This tendency to slide back into old patterns and habits, ways of feeling and thinking is typical when another chance is given, especially if the couple bury or minimize the past damage done by the infidelity.

1. What are the 5 top things you presently are tolerating or putting up with in your home?

1.no one giving 2 craps about the concept of it being their home too…others not taking responsibility for themselves (feeling like im the only maid in the house)2. since back with spouse, kids think that the rules in place are not longer valid (certain chores, responsibilities each day) 3. being the only one to daily remind or hound kids and spouse to do what they are responsible for.(husband will not take initiative to enforce or continue rules while i am not there)4.seeing bad habits creep back in and rules being broken ( the old “now that things seem back to normal, we can all go back to what was comfortable and dysfunctional”; boundaries trying to be overstepped by others) 5.others, mainly spouse, trying to de-sensitize or un-impotantize my boundaries- trying to get me to back down on some of my decisions that im committed to…now that we are back together and the affair has been over for a year…he doesn’t get it that i have a standard in life that will be forever apart of me and never again to be jeopardized or changed.. rules i have for myself and children that must be there for the safely and health and well-being of my family as a whole….basically him wanting me to “back-off” a little…of which is way too soon at this point in my life. only can that be done when i feel safe and the Lord Jesus Christ allows for more change to take place. im sure you figured out im the one who was cheated on.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: , , ,

How to Recover From Infidelity

February 27, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Below are a couple of examples of those who struggling to recover from infidelity dealing specifically with the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” type of affair. There are 6 other types of affairs, but this post focuses on the “Marriage Made Me Do It” type.

This type of affair is especially difficult to recover from since the cheating spouse assumes no or very little responsibility for his/her actions. In this type of affair the theme for him/her, “if only you would be different, my life would be different.”

Of, course most of this is a rationalization to get what s/he thinks s/he wants.

How to recover from infidelity of this affair type means at first, tolerating or at least devising a strategy to cope with the blame and disrespect.

Listen to the evolving strategies of these wounded people as they recover from infidelity:

Person #1:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

1. My husband is blaming me for spending money and wasting it, when in fact I have picked up more of the financial burden in the household that he used to share. 2. He goes out with other woman every Friday night and knows I know, he always invents a lie but he knows I know as I have told him, given him evidence and still he goes in spite of the hurt it causes our relationship. 3. He is now saying accept it, or leave. 4. He takes other woman to school dances, games and other school activities. He is an administrator. I know many of the people he works with and he works at my alma mater (high school). 4. Blames me for any and everything, even his work atmosphere; he seems to take all his frustrations out on me, saying I don’t know how tough he has it, with never asking how I am or what is going on with me. 5. My husband tells me after 4 1/2 years of the ongoing affair, I should be used to it by now. What’s the big deal!

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

1. What has stopped him lashing out at me is to distance myself from him when he starts the mouthing, blaming, not arguing or trying to convince him, but backing off and letting him deal with his frustration on his own. 2. Educating myself and learning what causes many of his behaviors, has helped me internalize many of his actions. Before I thought everything was directed at me and a statement about our relationship. I have learned that most of what he does has nothing to do with me. But the hurt is immense anyway. 3. Giving him more space and stopping working on the marriage and working on me instead has helped him “level out” with me and also has helped me put some of his actions into perspective. 4. Still with the affair ongoing, it is hard to deal with everyday; every instance of betrayal cuts like a knife.

Person #2:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

The mistakes I made in the relationship prior (getting angry, bickering, etc. (no cheating)) is the cause of the affair. If I wouldn’t have taken her for granted we wouldn’t be in this mess so I have to deal with it because of that.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

I continually stick to my guns on: 1. I freely admit my mistakes and take responsibility for them. 2. These mistakes are a separate issue from the affair. 3. The mistakes caused difficulty in our relationship but are not the cause of the affair. 4. The affair has made it much more difficult for us to move past both of our mistakes and heal. 5. Continually charge neutral in all these areas by stating: A. I know it’s difficult to see the difference between getting what you want out of our relationship and the OP. B. I can understand how difficult it is to get past your own guilt and conflict and why that would cause you to be angry with me and yourself. C. I understand that after 7 years with me how exciting it would be to have something new but that eventually all new things get old too. Which old do you think you’ll want in the end. 6. I listen to her upsets from the past and acknowledge them but I stay in the present. Just listening to her has made her less destructive and hurtful.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: , ,
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