Confronting the Other Man: Protecting the Wife

June 2, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Understanding the nature of your marriage and the coping pattern(s) of your spouse may offer a clue as to whether or not to confront the other person. It also may be predictive in terms of the kind of response you might encounter.

Consider the case study below. I would guess that the cheating wife was engaged in a “I Need to Prove My Desirability” type of affair.” These people are often very vulnerable to a sexual predator or narcissistic personality.

The husband seemed to have some knowledge of her underlying pattern, as indicated by accepting with calm the response of the other person. The husband was at some level determined to protect his wife and the bond between the two of them.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I thought they were just phoning each other but I wanted to know the inside story so I called him.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

He told me ” I f….d her.” He tried to create that wedge between us. It did not work. I knew it was he who sought after her due to the numerous incoming calls and the fact she called me several times afterwards due to guilt. Our relationship is stronger now. I am going to stop working away from home and stay home to watch for these predators. He wanted to move in and take over my home.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Yes. I would stay home and work in our area and pay more attention to her activities and callers. She was just curious and found out there are vast numbers of cheaters out their who prey on lonely women.

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Confronting the Other Person is Not Confronting an Adult

May 24, 2009 by 5 Comments

An unfortunate assumption is that two adults have affairs.

Actually, this is far from the truth. Infidelity is not about a relationship of two adults.

Adults live their lives with joy, passion, according to internalized standards, with respect and acceptance of others, by the values that give and sustain life, transparent to themselves and others, with predictability and consistency and with an overarching concern for the welfare and well-being of others, as well as themselves.

Infidelity is more about a parent-child relationship bound by deceit, strong unresolved personal needs that are consistently sought after, a confusion about standards and values and a desire to live life in the shadows.

Or, infidelity follows the triangle pattern which states that a person is bound (unconsciously) by strictly held roles of either rescuer, persecutor or victim. Much drama and pain in those roles.

So, when confronting the other person, do not expect adult-like responses.

This case illustrates the point:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

10 months after my husband claimed all contact had ended, he gave me access to his business phone bill and saw that they had constant contact during our reconciliation. I wanted to know what they talked about, but he refuses to tell me. I called her cell phone to see if she still had the same number and left a calm message inviting her to call me back. I figured we are all adults who were supposedly hurt and could now talk in a calm manner about the two most devastating years of my life. She was supposedly trying to attain a degree in family counseling and had said all the “right” things during the crazy days of first discovery: “Be kind to yourself and to your wife;” “You obviously love her. Go and make it right with her;” and “I miss you too (to him, in a text I discovered initially) but having been in the same situation I could never inflict the pain on others I experienced in my first marriage.”

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She did NOT Call me back, but rather tracked my husband to his new office and said flatly, “Your wife called my cell phone. She was also parked in my driveway once.” THAT NEVER happened. So much for my thinking that she was a mature adult who could handle a mature, calm conversation, many, many months after the affair ended and all contact stopped.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No, I don’t think so. It reformed my opinion of her. Initially, I felt only empathy towards her, a lonely single mom. Now, I realize she was an immature drama queen, who spoke a good game whether it be for money, gifts, or weekends away she could not afford on her own. I now have some compassion for my husband. I think in a low time in our lives and our marriage, he was played for the price of admiration and flattery. How sad it all is, not only for me and my children, but for him as well. We still have so much more work to do.

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Confronting the Other Women: Drama X 3

May 22, 2009 by 2 Comments

Don’t need this juice in my life… read this Case Study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My purpose was to tell all 3….that I found out about their affairs with my husband, and to let them know what I think of them…sluts. And never to contact him again, or they will have to deal with me.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

One just walked away from me angry, and has avoided me and my husband every since whenever we unfortunately would run into her, and on one occasion, she spit on the ground after my husband walked by…I was behind him walking and saw it. The second one we had a decent 2 hour phone conversation, but she tried contacting him again on his cell phone, as she is one of his clients, and said she was inquiring about some work being done at her house, and said she wasn’t getting any answers from his staff, so went directly to him. I sent her an email, reminding her that we (my husband and I) had sent her a text message from his phone saying never to contact him again, to deal with his staff instead…in my email I also said if she still has a problem with the staff, to either go above my husband to the owner, and I gave her his cell phone number, or, contact me and I will make sure her work gets done, and gave her my cell number, and I also told her if she is still not satisfied, then I suggest she find herself another company to do her work, there are plenty of them out there hungry for the work. With the third one, I showed up at a bar that she and my husband were at, I had found out, and told her to get out, and never contact my husband again. Both of them were very angry at me, too bad. Tough nuggies and all of that. She turned on her heel and left. She called the next day to talk to my husband again on his cell phone, about the previous night confrontation, so I called her back that night when I found out about her phone call from my husband….I called on his cell phone so that she would pick up, and I spelled out specifically that she is to never contact him again, that he has been trying to get rid of her (he told me this himself), and am I making myself perfectly clear, or do I have to go to her house or work (I knew where both were), and tell her in person? She said nothing, and hung up. Never heard from them again since. Also, on the third one, my husband said he was actually glad I showed up at the bar because that ended it…he had “no idea” how to end it with her, and I did the trick. I am sick of this. I feel like his mother. I have my own boyfriends now, that he is too stupid to stumble upon, as I was too smart to stumble upon his 3, maybe their are or have been more, though, I don’t know…yet, anyway.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I wouldn’t do it again because I did it 3 times, 3 times too many…I am not putting up with any more of his affairs again…if I find out, I don’t care anymore…I have my own “friends” now…I would just keep it to myself…or divorce him…but, he has alot of money, so, why? I have a great life otherwise, with our children too, don’t have to worry about money thank God and live in a beautiful house in a beautiful area…and am a very good looking woman, so, now, I don’t turn down any advances anymore…it ain’t too bad! I’ve lost all love for him after finding out about these affairs, so, what does it matter anymore…who cares.

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