Confronting the other person can bring about compassion, as illustrated in the case study below.
She no longer “paints pictures” in her mind of him/them. She sees the loneliness and emptiness and despair of those trying to find something in the wrong place.
Please understand that her movement to this state took place after months of attempting to cope with the affair and rebuild the marriage.
I observe that this movement toward compassion is extremely difficult in the beginning stages of infidelity in which much pain, fear, confusion and rage rules.
Read this case study:
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
2 years ago I found out about the affair. My husband stopped having all contacts with her on the day of my discovery. After a few horrible days and nights we started “working on” our marriage and our relationship. 2 years later we are at a point of “standstill”. I still have the problem with not trusting him, I still think he is not telling me the whole through, I still can not really pin-point the kind of affair it was, so I decided to go and see for myself where, what and who “made” my husband forget his promise to me, the children and to himself. I wanted to see the place and feel the atmosphere , I wanted to understand what was motivating him for 2 years to live a secret, double life and I wanted to see what kind of a person would knowingly hurt other people. I wanted to understand what does my husband really say when he tells me:”I was addicted, I was crazy, I was insane, I did not love her, sex was not great in fact it was terrible, I would never go out in public with her, I was unhappy and she knew exactly when which buttons to push …” The OP worked for me for a few years before and their affair started at that time , first by phone, SMSs and 3 years later became sexual (for 2 years) . So, when I stood in front of her door I did not need to introduce myself , in addition their affair ended 2 years ago, so she nearly fainted when out of the blue I stood there asking her if she remembers me. Well she did. She invited me in, gave me a coffee, composed herself quite quickly . I asked her if she loved him and she said “Yes” I asked her if she ever believed that he will leave me and marry her . She said “Yes”
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
My visit was 2 hours long. The apartment was dark, very small, behind the trees. A perfect place for secrets. There was a black cat, could be the sister of our black cat. I found out that it was. She talked quite freely, admitted that it took her many years to get him to sleep with her. She never thought that their affair was hurting other people, in fact, she never thought about me or children, she never asked him about us. After speaking with her , after seeing the place, I felt for the first time something like compassion for him and for her. I started to see that disturbed , unhappy and very confused man (my husband), I started to see that naive, quite selfish and very lonely woman and most of all, I started to see our marriage and our relationship for what it was then (before the affair) and for what it is now and what could have been and what can be, if…. if I allow myself to let go of the demons a little, became more realistic, less romantic, less superior, more open to be loved. I now believe that our marriage and our relationship can have a future.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
No, I would not do it differently. That visit made me see the reality. I don’t paint pictures anymore – about him, her, or myself. I have a choice. I feel free to make a choice. He is not perfect, I am not perfect. And she does not matter. What choice will I make? I do not know just now. What I know however is that, this time, my decision to stay or to go will be based on realistic reasons.