Infidelity Q&A #5: Do I Confront the Other Person?

March 15, 2010 by 2 Comments

I had over 300 people write me with their stories about confronting the other
person, and to be honest, I was quite surprised by the results.

I thought that confronting the other person would be a disaster in most cases.

That’s not what I found to be true. Many people found confronting the other person
to be very, very helpful. Now maybe those that experienced it as a disaster didn’t
write or didn’t respond to me, but I doubt that that’s true.

So let’s take a look: Should you confront the other person?

I found that when a person who’s very nice, accommodating, a pleasant person to be
around – first discovers infidelity, that person may feel a terrible sense of
victimization and helplessness.

And instead of holding back, which may be typical for them, they confronted the
other person. They let it fly, and let it fly in very powerful ways.

They didn’t say very nice things. They didn’t hold back what they were thinking.
They didn’t break the law and didn’t hurt anybody, but they at least confronted the
other person very strongly.

And most people reported that they walked away from that confrontation feeling
empowered. Not much was accomplished, but they felt better about themselves. And
they moved from this sense of being a victim to: “I have a little influence here,
and it feels good.”

There are those who typically are reactive, are blunt, are bold, and who want to get
in there and confront the other person initially. If that’s a personality trait or
personality pattern – I suggest you hold back.

Be reluctant to use that pattern on the other person. What that may do – if you
confront the other person with your directness and your power – is fuel the flames
of the affair. You become the person that he and she talk about and move them closer
together.

Here’s another tip: Don’t expect help from the other person. The other person is not
probably going to be accommodating or be truthful. Because after all, an affair is
based upon “mis-truth,” so why should you expect the other person to be truthful or
to be helpful? That probably is not going to happen.

The exception to that rule is in the kind of affair I call “I Don’t Want to Say No.”
Now, if you confront the other person in that kind of affair, the other person maybe
shocked and may start sharing stories of how your cheating spouse also conned or
manipulated that person. And in some cases, the other person and the person that’s
been cheated upon become good friends over a period of time.

If there’s an impasse, if the affair has been going on for a long time and there
doesn’t seem to be any movement, sometimes it’s helpful to intervene by confronting
the other person. The confrontation generates movement.

This is especially true for the Affair #4: “I Fell Out of Love and Just Love Being
in Love.” That kind of affair is based on a lot of juice, and secrets generate the
juice that keeps that relationship sparked.

By confronting the other person in the “I Fell Out of Love and Just Love Being in
Love” kind of affair, you may take away the juice. You take away the secret, and the
power of that affair is diminished at that particular point in time.

So if you face that kind of affair that becomes an option for you. And often, it’s a
helpful option in terms of breaking up the secrecy and the power of that type of
affair.

I highly recommend – with the “I Need to Prove My Desirability” kind of affair –
that you be reluctant to confront the other person. I don’t think it’s that helpful
in that kind of affair. As a matter of fact, it may be harmful, and there are
reasons for that that I don’t want to get into at this moment.

If you want to confront the other person, make it a plan.

Rehearse what you’re going to say in your mind; maybe practice with someone else. Be
prepared. Imagine the different scenarios that might emerge.

Go into the confrontation with an open mind, and be able to hold yourself by using
“charging neutral.” That probably will give you the best results.

Video: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?s=confront+the+other+person

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person, Infidelity Q&A

Infidelity: Taking Away the Juice

March 11, 2010 by Leave a Comment

Charging neutral takes place when you refuse to play any games. You refuse to buy into the old patterns that created confusion, angst and destruction. This is often what is taught in marriage counseling.
In the case study below, note how charging neutral took away the “juice” that his spouse and the other person were obviously receiving from his participation in the triangle. As well, the man, in attempting to deal with his cheating wife, rediscovered his personal power.

Case Study #2:

I have just had a recent conversation with my wife, and although she currently lives with another man we are trying to get through this infidelity after 24 years of marriage. She filed for Divorce soon after leaving and moving in with her new lover. We are trying to settle our legal matters and I am informed by “him” that they are in love, and plan to get engaged and marry as soon as they get the divorce decree. Instead of ranting or raving or getting excited, I charged neutral and said “Well, that’s nice.”, in a calm tone, “maybe it will work for you.” I felt a silence at the other end that I felt surprisingly seemed to empower me. I said “I let go of her, you can have her now.” This seemed to take some of “his” power away; he didn’t know what to do with this because he thought being with my wife really bothered me, so the more I fussed the more it powered him, so I’ve learned a new technique. When I spoke with her I said, “So we should finish up and sign the Divorce papers so you can move on and get married” in a calm, confident tone. Again, there was a moment of silence. It was although she was expecting something else, for me to make a big fuss about it…..and…I didn’t. Then she tried to tell me what a great sex life they have together, great sex every night! I said, “That’s nice, good for you, maybe it’s what you needed.” So to me this felt more empowering, by taking away their power over me, to think it would tear me apart and hurt me more, but I wouldn’t let that happen. So although this is a work in progress, “Charging Neutral” can be very powerful when used at the right time. It will be interesting to see how long a “re-bound” marriage can last without giving time to heal from a previous one. I like to view it as he will be marrying “Mrs. Sampsonite”, because he’ll be carrying her baggage for a long time.

Charging neutral can be a powerful and empowering tool whether you know of the infidelity or only see signs of infidelity.

And, charging neutral is not a tool only used when facing infidelity or an extramarital affair. It can be used with tremendous benefits in all realms of life that tend to set us on edge.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , ,

Do You Need Proof?

December 1, 2009 by 1 Comment

Here’s the situation.

A person faces a #7 affair, ” I want to be close to someone.. but can’t stand intimacy.”

The cheater in this case is often a controlled, controlling person who lives close to the vest, rarely self discloses important aspects of his/her life.

The spouse senses that something is not right in the relationship, but is fearful of confronting the cheating spouse with his/her inklings.

The cheating spouse had an affair 3 years previously and when confronted, denied and minimized the concern. The spouse who was confronting began to doubt his/her concerns and felt a little crazy for even bringing it up.

This time it’s three years later and the spouse wants ammunition before confronting her husband, who is involved again with the same person. She’s read love text messages and has viewed phone records but believes she needs more “proof” before confronting him.

This may be a viable strategy considering the history and type of affair.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , ,
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